07 September 2010

You've already won me over.

I wrote this around 10.20 pm last night. I don't know whether things have changed at all. I've woken up wishing our text message exchange had never happened. I know he wishes that too. How did things so complicated? It seems simple to me - I like him, he likes me. I feel sad but I'll be ok.

I have been teetering on the edge of doubt and heartbreak for about 10 days. Sometimes there were several consecutive hours of utter happiness thrown in. I'd fallen deep in like. Very fast. And so had he, it seemed.

I never thought this blog would come to this. The kind of he loves me/he loves me not, he said/she said, lovefest teenage angst melodramatic shit that adults with their life together should refrain from expressing in public. I never wanted to write a post akin to, or titled from, an Alanis Morissette song. But today marks the day.

I'd had a crush for a while. Then as I got to know him better, I was in like. He was intriguing. Troubled yet intriguing. I like boys like that. I don't know what draws me to these types. The types that mess with my head and still steal my heart.

I think the degree of like I felt was exacerbated because of our online/telephone/text contact. You know the deal. You build up this amazing idea of what someone is like because they say the right things. They say the wrong things too, and if they said these things to you in person, in real life, you'd probably see them for the arse they are but instead you are convinced they've got a good side because two hours into their last phone call, they said something that melted your heart. That was the deal.

I was 'awesome to infinity.' Maybe I still am?

I felt a deep sense of trust and comfort. The type I don't find often. We talked for hours. We talked about the future. I liked his honesty, even if it had me scared sometimes. I put his self destructive nature out of my mind. I felt like I was on the cusp of a mature relationship.

Until a few hours ago I felt deep in like. Secure. Happy.

Now I am considering how to respond to the extremely long text message he's sent me. The one that inferred it's him, not me. The one before his apology. The one that read 'I'm the sort of cunt who would break something off with a text message, like now.'

And all I can do to respond is write this blog entry. I don't feel anger. I am sort of impressed with his honesty and ability to recognise his flaws and refrain from hurting me further. I just wish he realised the same sense of worth he's helped to instill in me.

I guess I wanted to show him I'm worthy of him believing in himself. I saw so much good in him. Despite so much doubt.

I wonder if I would have hurt more if I felt love, not this deep sense of like? Because the hurt feels pretty bad now.


  1. I think we have this belief that life will stop being so complicated when we grow up (whenever that may be), but it never seems to turn into reality. It's not fair at all.

  2. Dear Carly,
    I feel for you and am sorry for your hurt. I have to say it though it is probably the mark of the man that he ended your hopes in a text message. That's not cool, and certainly you deserve so much better.
    You need to work out what want in a realationhip not who you want. This guy isn't what you need. You'll sort it out and you will find someone who is right for you.

  3. I like it when guys are assholes like this, early on. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. It saves months/years of heartbreak when you really love them, but they really are asses to you.

    I know that doesn't help right now.

    Katie was spot on though: Growing Up doesn't make a love life any less 'teenage' or complicated. If you take the dive into lust (or love) with a cool, level head, you miss out on the giddyness, which is the best bit of a new relationship. Just listen to your Adult mind when it's time to ditch him.

    And you never know, maybe it was moving too fast for him so he got scared and backed down? I wouldn't shut down the lines of communication right away, but I would put him in the 'friend' zone and get on with life until he decides where he really wants to be. Easier said than done, I know!!

    (BTW: my spam filter word was 'canopica'. Doesn't that sound like a fruity alcoholic drink somewhere warm and sandy? Yum!)

  4. My 1st comment got eaten dammit. Hang in there. You are awesome. Breakups suck. I've had about 8. They never get easier. Stay strong, take care of yourself, surround yourself with friends, stay busy, cry if you feel like it. When someone tells you the truth about themselves Carls, believe them. I hope you feel a bit better xxxxx

  5. Apparently Phil Collins broke up with his wife by a fax. His WIFE!!! Some men are nasty. I feel for you. Stay away from romantic comedies and instead get out some epic movies on DVD (Gandhi for example helps keep your mind off things). Try some new recipes. Organise your photos and get some happy ones printed out to put around your room. Keep busy and take care of yourself. Remember you are awesome and keep blogging - we are all here for you!!!!!

  6. Hi! I stumbled on your blog randomly yesterday... Everyone goes through what you are going through. Doesn't make it any easier nor will this probably make you feel better.

    I am glad you found out sooner then later about this guy's character. Sometimes we try and make excuses for why people behave the way they do... they lead us on, perhaps manipulate us, know how to say things to make us feel special and then they kinda break us... speaking from experience.

    But we can choose to put the pieces of our heart back together again and choose to learn from it and not let the negativity and confusion take over us. Sometimes it is what it is and you can't beat yourself up by rehashing every conversation and scenario.

    Hope you feel better soon and I sincerely can't wait to read more of your blog!

    From a thiry-year old Melbourne gal!

  7. I'm no good at love and advice, so just sending you some warm virtual vibes and hugs! It can only get better when you're at the bottom. x

  8. Hey everyone
    thanks for your comforting and supporting words. I am ok. Still sad - it's been a disappointing week with this and other things happening.
    This guy did and said stupid things but I can see so much good in him too. I still hold some hope. What that means for my heart, I don't know.
    Thanks again xx

  9. Massive *hugs* Carly - I am so sad to read this. Breakups are the absolute pits, and usually leave us bleeding and a little bit broken.
    I really hope things look up for you soon xoxo


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