02 September 2010

On falling (in like)

I fall in love too easily. Well, it's not even love, just a small amount of liking above the friendship level. The type where you get excited about an incoming text message. Yes, I think that's my current level of falling. Text message related. The type where even the strangest compliment can make you feel special. And it seems the way I fall is through conversation.

I always seem to love a boy more than they've loved me. Unless I've got some secret admirers out there, in which case I invite them to make themselves known. A proverb I once read said to always marry someone who loves you more than you love them. I can't recall who said this, but thinking back now, I may have read it in an interview with a Hollywood starlet in a trashy magazine. Darren Hayes, my own romantic prophet, once sang 'it is easier to give than receive love'. Agreed. It is easier to give than receive love. How do you make someone love you?

In my 28 years I've truly loved three boys. Seven boys if you count my unrealistic obsession love for Jack Jones, Shane Warne, Darren Hayes and Callan Mulvey. (And if you throw Hamish Blake into the mix, that is eight.) Two boys if you take away the one I felt unrequited love for over about three years. That leaves two relationships (if you can call them that) where (I think) there was reciprocal love. I didn't feel love in my other two relationships (or maybe it was only one – one could be classified as 'seeing someone', the other was seven months spent by the both of us trying to get a word in edgeways – we both had a lot to say). And there you go, I've just done some very complicated maths about the boys in my life. Maths was never my strong point, and nor is love.

It's strange because my life was going along pretty well. I didn't think I needed love. Ok, truthfully, I was always guy spotting. And I see friends and strangers in secure, loving relationships and know that I want that for myself. But I have resigned myself to the fact that I probably will be a catless spinster. (Maybe I'll have a dog if I ever own my own home and have enough time to devote to it.) Because it's really hard finding someone who can accept the way I look. And I think I'm mostly happy with that. Maybe happy is the wrong word. Accepting of that, then. Because I got family, friends, work, life outside work, and education and lots of interests. (Secretly I hope once I'm on Channel 31 I will get some fan mail from men asking me to be their wife – ok, so it's not such a far-fetched idea...is it?)

When someone came into my life, only last week, and I discover we have things in common, he can make me laugh, and make me feel special, my tummy does butterflies. I haven't felt this comfortable talking to someone in years. I feel like I can tell him anything. And he said I'm pretty awesome to talk to. And then, on the flipside, something else is said, and life feels mopey. Even though all those other great things I've mentioned are still there. It's odd how life can be going along pretty well and then you feel these spectrum of emotions because of one person. Life goes from the soundtrack to Love Actually to some ironed fringed, fingerless glove and black tshirt wearing emo song.

I rarely receive any signals from people showing interest. The last text message that I received that I felt the need to keep forever was 'there's a Carly in my mind stealing my heart', and that was six years ago, back when I had a simple Nokia. A little after that, there was this weird situation, which deserves a blog entry of its own, where someone sent me a picture of his penis. That was showing interest, I guess...

So this week, when I received a text message with quite direct words expressing feelings towards me, I workshopped it with girlfriends, thinking maybe the words were true. There was some excitement brewing, and I held out hope. And then I decided that he's probably just not that into me, because that's how it always is. And now I guess he's just not that into me.

It's like one day everything is going along fine, the next day you can't stop thinking about someone, and wham, life gets complicated.

Maybe the reason I don't often write about romance on this blog (other than there not being any to report on) is so I don't jinx myself. So I don't share my feelings with the world and open myself up to heartbreak.

It's probably because I'm currently really sore that I'm feeling this introspective. I marvel at how I can be in control, calm, sensible and professional, and then turn into a forlorn girl at the drop of a hat. I was talking to a friend about this and we both agree the best way to feel good about ourselves in times like these is to fawn over pictures of us with our celebrity loves. She said 'keep looking at the Rush cast pictures and remember your prince is out there somewhere'. I hope so.

Post script, heard when watching Rush:

'I suppose that's half the battle right? Finding someone that is into you' - Stella and Michael from Rush. Too true.


  1. OMG Carly I shed a tear in that.

    It's beautifully written and sums up how so many of us 20 somethings feel.

    I also love that I am kind of quoted.

    Remember every frog is one step closer to that prince and god he better be worth the wait xx

  2. I agree with kyls. As a twenty something, I often have thoughts like these too. You have expressed them far better than I could though.

    I too am finding myself falling (in somehting) at the moment. It is a strange and overbearing feeling at times.

    Hope your soreness feels better soon :-)

    Oh and I would keep that text message forever too. If only I was texted things like that - as opposed to pictures of cats and tables!

  3. That is so beautiful Carly. I used to feel the EXACT same way before I met V, and when I did it was just like, huh, ok so that's what it *really* feels like to fall in love, not in like. Corny, but gosh its magical when it happens. And I truly believe that will happen for you too hun - someone just as amazing as you is waiting for you out there :)
    Hope you feel better soon

  4. Sadly it isn't just twenty-somethings who feel this. I'm in my late 30's and still feel this way - but then it wouldn't be as meaningful if it didn't lift our spirits and give us hope (as well as crush them down again from time to time).

    Everyone always has wise words such as it will happen when you are not looking etc. But really whatever happens you should be happy. Relationships can be great, but being in the first few months of love involves intoxicating highs with moments of fear, insecurity & worry (but no-one ever talks about them). And then even when you settle into something calmer you may be very much in love, but you can still feel terribly lonely and much more vulnerable after a fight. And there are times when you just really crave your own space, but you have to put the relationship first even if it is hard. So either way, the grass on the other side has flashes of green.

    If you can be happy in yourself and content with your life, you will be happy whether you are in falling in love, settling into love or falling out of love. Just remember that anyone who loves you is very very lucky to have you in their life, and they should treat you accordingly. If they don't then the choice is easy. If they do, well that is absolutely what you deserve.

    Take care Carly - I really love your blog.

    A friend

  5. A beautiful post, Carly!

    You know what? There are issues in my life that I can substitute for your cast of gorgeous men. Only mine aren't as easy on the eye.

    Take care and much love.

    SSG xxx

  6. I loved this post too - I can really relate. I'm pretty much the only one of my friends who is single so it can be frustrating always feeling like the odd one out. I consider myself a very smart, successful, self-sufficient woman as well, but it doesn't mean I don't feel lonely and long to have a partner to share my life with. Everyone wants that. It's part of being human. And everybody tells me I'll meet someone when the time is right/when I'm not looking, blah blah blah, and that's what I could say to you but I'm sure you're maybe like me and get sick of hearing it! Cynicism aside though, I do think that if you go through life with a positive attitude and take care of yourself that you will be more likely to find the right person for you. And even if you don't, you will still have a happy and healthy life because you'd be living it for you and no one else. *hug from Canada*

  7. Thanks for such an honest and courageous post, Carly, I am sure that a lot of people can relate to these feelings, even if they can't completely understand what it is like for you, personally. I remember feeling like this after making it all the way to my 20s without a guy ever even showing interest in me. Thankfully, though, I only had to meet one and six years later, it is still working. I wish you much happiness and success in life, gorgeous, including finding that one prince charming that will sweep you off your feet!!

  8. Hi Carly
    Lovely post as always...
    Finding someone to love is always hard...

    Good luck!



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