That I would be good

I've written about this here before. My blog is like my personal brand. I try my hardest to be myself, but I also self censor because I want people who read it to get a good impression of me. Namely potential employers, family and potential boys. I am careful about not blogging too much about work, or volunteer work at the hospital, or my (lack of) love life. Even if these real and self imposed restraints weren't there, I think I'd always self censor.

My blog has become a little impersonal over the last week or so. I wrote a long entry about a boy, then edited it due to him not actually running me down in a public place, and I didn't think the caring comments I received supporting me were fair on him. Plus I was published on Mamamia and I didn't want visitors to think I was a sappy, lovesick girl. I've been stressed (and progressing of sorts) in other areas of life, but have refrained from venting, instead filling this blog with songs that I enjoy and small snippets that don't give away much to the reader, but mean a lot to me.

Right now I am on a 2.5 week break from work. I have plans to be productive. I NEED to be productive. But currently I am lying on my bed, in clean pyjamas, writing things that I need to say. It may seem a bit ambiguous, and quotes paraphrased, though. Again, always the need to self censor… And again, an Alanis Morissette song title fits. She is versatile, and relevant.

At this moment, I feel like I am always going to be good, but never good enough. I came to this conclusion in the shower after I was thinking about some of the crappy (and happy) things over these past few weeks.

My life's going along pretty damn well. Truthfully, 2010 may well be the best year of my time in Melbourne. I have achieved SO MUCH. I've achieved one of my life-long dreams - to become a paid writer. I've set goals. Saved money. Built networks. Made some awesome new friends. Become a TV presenter. Am toying with the idea of becoming a motivational speaker. Life's great!

But things are missing. And that's when I get the feeling that I'm destined to be good but never good enough in some areas. And I don't think I can deal with any more rejection!

I love my 9-5 job. I think I'm quite good at it. Others do too. It is challenging but rewarding. I get a lot of satisfaction from it, intrinsic rewards and am recognised and valued by the people I want to be recognised and valued by. Recently I was chosen to give a presentation at an important meeting. I was one of the most junior staff there, and certainly the most junior presenter at the meeting. But I was so honoured to be chosen to speak about my role and its importance to the organisation and its importance to me. This is an example of me knowing my worth. That I am good, and good enough.

Last week at filming, I had three people approach me to tell me what a difference my panel discussion made to them. That what I had to say was good. This was lovely. And in the past 12 hours, I've received two emails from strangers telling me they have read this blog and my stories have made a difference to them or family members suffering with ichthyosis.

It's nice to receive praise. I know life isn't always about praise, but I do my damned hardest to do a good job in everything I take on, without expecting praise, but always honoured when I receive it.

I have recently applied for promotions. For the experience of applying, and also because I think I have the skills to do these jobs. I have had semi success with one - found suitable and may be called upon - but no luck with the others. That is ok, these things take time. The feedback I've been given is that I need to develop my skills more. Get more experience. How can I do this when I am already getting lots of experience at work, and so much more in life outside of work? Here, I can't help feeling like I'm good, but not good enough. And how much will it take for me to become good enough? How much will I have to push myself before I run myself down and get sick?

Something else I've had on my mind recently is not feeling valued in another area of my life. 'We think you're a great asset to the program, but want to give others a chance too'. I am pretty disappointed by this, given the amount of time and personal experience I share. This is a really vague example, but I don't feel I can write the actual situation at this time. Ok, so I have not been chosen to be a volunteer at camp. While it's apparently not a personal reflection on me or my actions, it doesn't mean that I took the decision any less personally.

Lastly, there's the 'I think you're wonderful, the best thing in my life, but I just want to be friends' thing. Fuck! (Or, no fucking, as in this case.) When will I be good enough to be someone's girl? When will my love, personality, humour and commitment be enough? When will I be more than 'beautiful', but desired, too?

2010 is a great year. I know I will get past these small hurdles. Small hurdles always seem huge when fantastic things are happening in life.

These past five weeks have possibly been the most emotionally challenging weeks of my year. They've also been physically challenging - I've been so sore to the point of not being able to have blankets on me comfortably. I have opened up to someone like I've not done in a while - really putting myself out there. It's not often I am sad, but I've been pretty sad and disappointed about things recently. Maybe there are more challenging days or weeks to come. I know there are a few days I am looking forward to but also viewing with trepidation. I'll have to take the days as they come, I guess. I am the queen of wanting things to run smoothly, and that comes from being an events planner, so I'm going to have to prepare myself for more hurdles, but hopefully happiness.

I also have to remember that I am GREAT at many areas of life, and good at others. I want to be the best at everything though.