15 January 2010

Here I go again, I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today*

So 14 January passed. And I thought of him. Like I said in this blog post, I get sentimental around this time of year.

And I will continue to be a bit sentimental until 23 January.

Then I won't think of him for much more than five times a year.


It's weird. Because I know he won't be thinking of me.

I guess I am a hoarder - of possessions, and of memories. Sometimes I can remember things in such detail it scares me. I shouldn't look to the past so much and dwell, but I'm doing much better in living in the moment and setting goals for the future.

I have put other people out of my mind. But there's two, sometimes three, I can't shake. And sometimes I close my eyes and concentrate deeply to remember things that I'm scared I may forget. Incase I never find it again.

It'd be nice to find love again. Sometimes I worry that I am going to be a catless spinster (I don't particularly like cats, hence catless).

It's very difficult meeting someone when one looks as visually different as I do. In no way am I putting myself down, but realistically, it's hard for people to look past the physical exterior.

People say to me, 'of course you'll find someone'. Hmmm...sometimes that's an easy consolation. Finding someone may be easier when you don't have a chronic illness or disability.

Although I didn't really like the movie version of My Sister's Keeper, it warmed my heart to see Kate and Taylor meeting in the chemotherapy ward. The scenes of their relationship were beautiful. They had their cancer in common, and of course a mutual understanding of their special needs.

I once went on a date with a guy who sent me an email post date to tell me he didn't want to pursue a relationship because he couldn't handle my illness - it would place too much pressue on him. Yep. Not that it places any pressure or restrictions on me. Anyhoo.

Sometimes I wonder whether it would be more viable for me to build networks and possible relationships to potentially find love in the disability community, but then I feel a pang of guilt when I think 'I'm better than that' - but what I really mean is, I'm good enough to find love in all parts of society. Gosh I hope that didn't come across as being condescending, politcally incorrect or insensitive. Because that wasn't my intention.

I'm 28 and what if I get to 35, 57, 83 or 106 and have no one except for the memories I keep now?

Gosh I didn't mean to bring the usually uplifting tone of this blog down.

Finding love is not the be all and end all of life, right? There is so much in my life now - great job and colleagues, great friends, wondefully supportive family, study, volunteer work...

But every girl dreams of finding her Prince (or Princess) Charming, right? So I'll be dreaming.

*The opening line to The Lover After Me by Savage Garden


  1. xxx Carly xxx
    You don't sound condescending at all. I hope I don't when I say this, but in some ways, I can sympathise. Being a single mum...guys can't handle that, so I convince myself that I am content this way.
    Everyone tells me too that love will come. I'll meet that special someone, someday, and he'll accept me for who I am, kids and all. I often want to punch them in the face for it.
    I believe that we have to surround ourselves with loving friends and family, and accomplish the things we can do on our own. When a person exudes confidence and acceptance in themselves, then others take notice...not that I am any good at following my own advice.
    I too am a dreamer.
    Just think of that little kitten, clinging to a tree branch, and hang in there. Don't settle for anything that you know is beneath you - but don't pass up the opportunity to meet any potential soul mate!

  2. Hey Kelly
    So glad you can relate. It seems difficult for you too. People label others, and being a single mum, or having an illness or a disability may immediately prevent someone from considering that person as relationship material.
    It's easy for those who just fall into relationships to provide throwaway consolations - because it IS easy for them to say based on their experiences.
    Thanks for the advice too. :) Good luck with your search!

  3. Very good read it was. Very emotional too but I did enjoy reading it.

  4. Hi Carly,

    I do believe that you are GOOD enough to find love in all parts of society. And also you need to believe in that to succeed. I have seen even the most beautiful woman failing to find love because of self-esteem problems - she didn't believe she was good enough. Believing in yourself is a very important step.

    I enjoyed reading My Sister's Keeper as well. I haven't watched the movie yet. It made me smile when Kate met Taylor but I got a bit upset when Taylor passed away. I think that Kate's very brave for her age.

    It is one of those moments where I want to say something but I don't really know what to say because what you have been through is incredibly life-altering.

    Thanks for this post. You are a role model - very brave.

  5. Thanks for reading, Mum.
    Although I'm expressing these feelings and memories through this blog, it doesn't mean I haven't moved on. I guess there are some memories that were really influential and confidence building for me and that is why I remember them.

  6. Hey Bowsnhearts - thank you for your kind words :) i have a lot of belief in myself apart from finding love, hehe. Maybe 2010 is the year I grow some wings and soar?
    I think My Sisters Keeper is a wonderful book. And a few other Jodie Picoult books are astounding.

  7. I just read this post... I wish I could tell you I understand your shit position, but I don't. I am a nurse and I look after a LOT of cancer patients (neurosciences ward, lots of brain tumours..)and there are people out there that have the same SHIT battles as you. ♥ It's NOT easy and it consumes you, but it also makes you stronger than anyone can comprehend.


    I want to see your Nirvana tshirt costume!!!

    Thank you so much for the lovely comment on my blog, adding you to my list.

  8. Hey Mez thanks for your comment.

    I can't imagine what it'd be like to have cancer or another life threatening illness but I've known people who have had it and my heart goes out to all who suffer the cruelty of these illnesses. Bravery and courage comes to mind when I think of people and families of people with such serious illnesses.

    I agree - these shit situations of illness makes us stronger and gives perspective.

    The nirvana tshirt costume is a bit of a secret - all will be revealed at camp on Wednesday and revealed here when I return! Can't wait to put it altogether and explain it!

    I've added you to my reading list too :)

    keep in touch

  9. One thing, a very important thing, that I learnt at uni is 'person first, disability second'. We had a subject called 'Diverse learners' which incorporated everything. Mental, physical, emotional, environmental etc. They are all people FIRST and whatever their condition, we shouldn't define them by it.
    You're raising awareness & letting people get to know you at the same time. Keep up the good work!!

  10. Kelly i totally agree. Person first, disability second.

    Someone once asked me what's wrong with a disabled/ill friend of mine. I said nothings WRONG with them and that I think it's important not to use the term 'wrong' maybe consider asking what condition do they have. (gosh at times I must sound holier than thou...)

    That subject sounds great by the way. When I'm done with my masters I'm thinking of doing something related to community work or disability.

  11. I think you have expressed yourself perfectly in this post. You are special and different and the way you handle your extra issues is with great integrity and eloquence. I'm not going to tell you love will find you one day, some day...although I believe it's true. Not because of the little girl dream of a shining prince, but because if you go on being you and being such a kind and intelligent person then people will keep noticing...and just maybe 'he'll' be one of them ;P

    Great post, Carly!! xx

  12. Don't put people with disabilities down. Don't even put then in another classification. They are just as good as the other people in society that you would prefer to date.


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