13 October 2010

Finding clarity and trying to let go

I went on my trip not expecting anything other than friendship. But I also needed to sort out affairs of the heart. I needed to know whether my feelings of love were sustainable. I was seeking clarity, and have found clarity. We can only be friends.

I spent 72 hours with one of the most beautiful men ever. At times I couldn't believe it was happening. I haven't given myself permission to study the playback in my mind. Some amazing things happened, and I fear if I revel in the memories too much I'll be prolonging the love that I need to let go of. I'm not ready to cry. It is hard not to love someone when they've asked you not to.

Currently I feel a bit sad and empty, and miss him, but feel so proud I took the risk and came to know him better. And to know myself better.

I used to have strong beliefs about love. My beliefs have shifted.

I discovered that you can't love everything about someone, and that's ok. You've just got to hold onto the ways they make you happy and feel loved.


  1. i used to have strong beliefs about love too. except your beliefs are shaped by experience and therefore, you cannot experience a meaningful relationship with anyone without it altering your understanding of love to some extent.

    i think this is a positive thing in the majority of relationships people encounter, even if it takes them a while to realise it.

  2. Anouska - how very true. It's like you're trying to find an ideal and when you can't reach it, you realise something about yourself and that love can't be what you want or think it to be.

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