16 October 2010

The big empty

I haven't felt this empty in a long time. I have so many things to do - a radio segment, eat, uni stuff, groceries, my tax, washing - but all I want to do is stay under the covers and cry.

In the last day, I have had a couple of emails for advice about how to deal with ichthyosis. I will answer them soon - but right now I can't articulate what I am feeling, and so I don't think I can be the best role model.

People have said to me that soon I'll find someone else who will love me. I've written about it before. These words are encouraging, but not realistic. When you're me - red, chronically ill, noticeable and often ignored or bombarded with questions because of my appearance, it's not easy to simply go out and have someone find me attractive and want to take me home and hopefully fall in love with me.

I'm not what you'd call 'easy'. I guess not being easy comes by default - I can't be easy when advances aren't forthcoming. So when advances are made, I tend to show a greater sense of caution and trust, because I know that the person making the advances must be looking past my red face and taking care not to hurt me, physically and emotionally. And even when someone is completely wrong for me, the fact they appreciated me as a person, and appreciated my body, I find it hard to detach myself from them. Even when they've asked me to. And especially because the attribute I love in them is that they accept me wholly.

This afternoon I am doing a radio segment about dating and disabilities. I will have a lot to say.

I didn't think it would be so hard. I want to feel happiness again.


  1. ou are looking for the happiness to come to you from someone else. You are looking for someone else to affirm whether you are good enough. That will never work. The affirmation must be from within you. It is hard for a long time but once you learn that you are good enough all on your own then your personality becomes easier for others to accept too. The gentler, more assured person is more attractive to the right sort of person and then you will find the love you want rather than need. Hope this does not come accross in any way as a criticism of you because I think you are a very brave, intelligent person already. Cherrie

  2. Hi Willywagtail
    Thanks for commenting. I can see your perspective - but I also believe I have a high sense of self esteem and don't always need others to make me feel validated. It is hard to explain to others about the difficulties of finding love when you have a highly visible chronic illness or disability - because no matter how good/confident you feel about yourself, it isn't going to instantly remove the physical exterior that people find so confronting.
    I will feel happiness again, I know it. It may take a while to get over this, but I know that I have happiness in many other areas of my life.

  3. Hi Carly.
    I don't know that I have the right thing to say ... I could say all of the old lines like "don't worry I am sure the guy if your dreams is just around the corner" or "there is someone perfect for you it just takes time" but I think the best thing I can say is that I hope you are feeling less ... well, crappy and that you are heading out tonight with great friends who make you laugh. Thinking of you!

  4. Carly, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so empty at the moment :( I have been reading your blog after seeing your article on Mama Mia and just thought I'd leave a comment to let you know how much I enjoy your writing style- I wish I was half as talented as you are! You are such an incredible, inspiring, beautiful person! THANK YOU for sharing your wonderful insights through this blog.

  5. Awww, Carly :-(

    Hope I can cheer you up a little tomorrow!

    SSG xxx

  6. Carly,

    I can't pretend to understand what it means to be looking for love whilst carrying the burden of a physical disability however,I do feel that your struggle isn't that foreign to a great mass of the population.Finding Love is hard and often brutal even for those of us 'normal' looking types.There is a reason there are so many websites/newspaper sections and professionals dedicated to helping others obtain love.Loneliness has become an epidemic.You're not alone..it's everywhere.It's a stuggle we shall all overcome.

  7. Oh Carly... I truly hope you feel better soon. I agree with the anon post above. Even us so called "normal" looking people feel exactlyyyyyyy the same as you are feeling at the moment. It sucks and when you get heartbroken you have good days and days where you just want to spend analysing the what ifs and drowning your sorrows. Then you go through the cycle of its not fair (well I do) but you MUST keep reminding yourself to put things into perspective and STOP yourself from thinking about the one that broke your heart... its too consuming and really a waste of time. I am not going to harp on the cliches but you just need to be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. Oh and whatever you do break off all contact with that guy... COMPLETELY! It's hard but it's for the best

  8. Carly I hope you feel more positive soon. Although I know you're feeling empty I think it's great that you're going on the radio to help others :)

  9. Carly, I only know you through your blog but I don't think I can be mistaken in believing that you are a generous, smart & funny person who is completely deserving of an equally generous, smart & funny person.


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