I hate my memory. It is too good. And some of my saddest and loveliest moments are lodged in there, like jam in the indents of its jar. Never quite leaving me. Sticky and hard to reach, hard to remove.
It is a month since this. I wrote:
"And so when he announced a huge milestone in his life, I realised it’s no longer fair for either of us to be in contact. These words twisted my stomach. He’s miles away, but too close for comfort. With sadness, I said all that I’ve wanted to say to him, in a carefully crafted letter of course, and held my breath as I hit the unfriend button. A chapter closed. I’ve let go. I ended the letter with “I’ll leave you be, remembering you with fondness, sadness and love. I am glad I played a part in saving your life”. And I am. Now I can breathe".
I've not thought about it too much. The pain was no where near as bad as last year's. Maybe the heart can only break once. But although I feel a weight lifted, I feel a sense of loneliness from being emotionally distanced from. him. But I am not lonely. I just want to share things with him like we did before. Because we were good at that.
He's gone from my life. Yet he still remains. Will he always? I am trying not to remember that today is two years since I took that leap of faith and flew interstate to meet him again. Two years. I fell in love. I fell apart. And I have grown. Ten feet tall.
I have been living such a good life lately that in this week or so of down time (which has unfortunately coincided with sore time) I find myself worrying what if I don't find life as enjoyable when the good life isn't happening? Will I have to keep going at full speed to continually feeling this adrenaline rush? Is the good life that I am leading like a drug?
The Darren Hayes fanclub announced it is winding up next year. Darren has no immediate plans. He has given us beautiful music for 16 years now - I still remember the first time I saw him on TV. He is taking a break. I wrote this to him via his Facebook:
"Darren - thank you for being one of the biggest influences in my life. You mean so much to me, only fans will understand that feeling. I hope you have a well deserved rest, and I hope that you will let us know what has been happening in your life every so often. Thank you for writing music that has given me confidence, created friendships and enabled me to meet you. Thank you for making me feel so special. Much love x"
This was taken in London. Even his posters make me so incredibly happy.
I never expected a popstar to have so much continual influence on me for half my life. He's amazing. It's a break, not retirement. The cessation of the fanclub seems so final. I hope it's not goodbye.
My attention span has become poor. Is this a symptom of the internet? Is yours poor too? I have books I want to read, but there is always something else to look at. I eat my lunch at work, phone in hand, scrolling through social media, while reading the newspaper. Is your attention span suffering too?
I have had two crushes in a very short amount of time recently. Maybe three. I found myself having purely an intellectual crush. You know when you admire someone for their intelligence, passion, and purpose? And they make you feel so good about yourself. That. And then there's the other crush. He is kind, funny, intelligent, and very cute. I don't know what this is. It is probably nothing between us. (And this paragaph has probably jinxed everything forever.) But, still, I smile. Gosh I like him.
"It's been a while. But I still remember the smile you kept for me".
~ October Grey, The Screaming Jets