05 October 2012

October Grey

I hate my memory. It is too good. And some of my saddest and loveliest moments are lodged in there, like jam in the indents of its jar. Never quite leaving me. Sticky and hard to reach, hard to remove.

It is a month since this. I wrote:

"And so when he announced a huge milestone in his life, I realised it’s no longer fair for either of us to be in contact. These words twisted my stomach. He’s miles away, but too close for comfort. With sadness, I said all that I’ve wanted to say to him, in a carefully crafted letter of course, and held my breath as I hit the unfriend button. A chapter closed. I’ve let go. I ended the letter with “I’ll leave you be, remembering you with fondness, sadness and love. I am glad I played a part in saving your life”. And I am. Now I can breathe".

I've not thought about it too much. The pain was no where near as bad as last year's. Maybe the heart can only break once. But although I feel a weight lifted, I feel a sense of loneliness from being emotionally distanced from. him. But I am not lonely. I just want to share things with him like we did before. Because we were good at that.

He's gone from my life. Yet he still remains. Will he always? I am trying not to remember that today is two years since I took that leap of faith and flew interstate to meet him again. Two years. I fell in love. I fell apart. And I have grown. Ten feet tall.


I have been living such a good life lately that in this week or so of down time (which has unfortunately coincided with sore time) I find myself worrying what if I don't find life as enjoyable when the good life isn't happening? Will I have to keep going at full speed to continually feeling this adrenaline rush? Is the good life that I am leading like a drug?


The Darren Hayes fanclub announced it is winding up next year. Darren has no immediate plans. He has given us beautiful music for 16 years now - I still remember the first time I saw him on TV. He is taking a break. I wrote this to him via his Facebook:

"Darren - thank you for being one of the biggest influences in my life. You mean so much to me, only fans will understand that feeling. I hope you have a well deserved rest, and I hope that you will let us know what has been happening in your life every so often. Thank you for writing music that has given me confidence, created friendships and enabled me to meet you. Thank you for making me feel so special. Much love x"

This was taken in London. Even his posters make me so incredibly happy.

I never expected a popstar to have so much continual influence on me for half my life. He's amazing. It's a break, not retirement. The cessation of the fanclub seems so final. I hope it's not goodbye.


My attention span has become poor. Is this a symptom of the internet? Is yours poor too? I have books I want to read, but there is always something else to look at. I eat my lunch at work, phone in hand, scrolling through social media, while reading the newspaper. Is your attention span suffering too?


I have had two crushes in a very short amount of time recently. Maybe three. I found myself having purely an intellectual crush. You know when you admire someone for their intelligence, passion, and purpose? And they make you feel so good about yourself. That. And then there's the other crush. He is kind, funny, intelligent, and very cute. I don't know what this is. It is probably nothing between us. (And this paragaph has probably jinxed everything forever.) But, still, I smile. Gosh I like him.


"It's been a while. But I still remember the smile you kept for me".
~ October Grey, The Screaming Jets


  1. I believe once you fall in love, a part of your heart will always hold that love. Over time the pain will subside but the love will remain.

    Occasionally the pain will resurface but for me, to have felt that love for someone once, it's a feeling I'd always want to hold onto regardless of the depth.

    Re the attention span, me too of late. I have a stack of books to read that I just can't get into because I'm struggling to hold my attention to any one thing.

    1. I have so may books from NYC that I want to read and cook from, but I find it's too essyntomread online. Terrible habit now :(

  2. Me three. There's so much more content online than you can find within the pages of any one book. Yup, the internet has a strange hold over me. There's Facebook, now Twitter, various blogs, and news stories that are covered more in-depth than in any one newspaper.

    At my age I don't get crushes; yes, when I was much younger, but not now. But I don't miss it. Sometimes it's good to be an old lady.

    1. I think online content can creat narrowmindedness though - we only read what we search for. It's a concept called homophily

  3. I'm a real person - not spam. promise :)

    Intellectual crushes are wonderful. I've had a few of those.

    Attention span - what's that again? I can't seem to stay focussed on anything at the moment... but that is more a sign of my anxiety being ramped up more then anything else.

    love and light xxx

  4. I think it's important to reflect on those big moments of our lives, good or bad and think about just how far you've come since. Octobers of the past have been difficult for me and I'm planning to review my feelings and how life has changed in the next little while.

    With you on the attention span.

    SSG xxx

  5. I forgot how well you write :) Hugs.
    Heidi xo
    p.s. what a time these past few months have been - huge comedown, no doubt.

  6. Beautiful post, as always. I will miss Darren so much.

    Crushes are generally extremely frustrating for me, I hate having them. :/

    Much love, Carly xoxo

  7. I've had a nasty cold this week, and my boyfriend is away for work. I've spent too much time alone, pondering on what ifs and I've ended up down. I don't think I need to always be busy, but I do know when I'm not, and I'm sick, I end up a bit down and grey. Thank goodness I have a party to go to on the weekend.

  8. What beautiful words from your heart you have written here.
    I believe once someone has touched us deeply they will always have a special place in our hearts.So though it has been two years it is only natural for you to feel something.
    You knowing you have grown ten feet tall since is such a good thing as thats what should come from our life experiences...we should grow.
    I love how you embrace life and all it has to offer and write so honestly about your feelings and experiences.
    Im sure your words help many who visit your space.
    Thankyou for sharing so warmly and may life still be wonderful for you when not going at full speed.xx

    1. Thanks for your continued support Debbie - much appreciated x

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