23 April 2012

Need.

"I've stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I've always been in
But I've watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don't see you change, you're always at meltdown

Yeah I've been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you've drunk too much
But I can't survive, with you by my side
See I'll never get laid, while I'm running your life"

~Sia, The girl you lost to cocaine

I finished my bottle of Frangelico now. I've had it in my cupboard for 18 months. There was no other alcohol in the house and I wanted a wind down drink at the end of the week.
The bottle's lid has got his teeth marks in it - from when he opened it for me. It was the bottle he bought me after he drank most of the first one I bought for myself. He drank about three quarters of it straight, after around 15 bottles of beer. Well that's how many I counted when I put them in the recycling the next afternoon, right before he started on 10 more bottles. That Frangelico was from the last time since. Since everything. It carries too many memories for me. I never get that nostalgic when I have a glass of Frangelico, lemonade and lime at the pub.

I never noticed how drunk he was. I had drunk a lot on our first night too - a bottle of wine and a quarter of the first bottle of Frangelico - though I was still in control. I guess it was nerve calming, passion fueling, confidence boosting. We were both as shy as each other. The amount of drink he consumed alarmed me, but his behaviour didn't seem seem extreme. Not even when he stepped back and fell on the heater as we were making the bed. I reached out to pull him up, worried he had hurt himself on the grill. He didn't feel it. He was most proud he'd fallen with his beer upright. In the morning, I showed him the burn marks on his ribs. He didn't remember the fall. I guessed he had a high tolerance to alcohol.

When he told me he had gone to rehab last year, and then to psychiatric care, he said he was determined to give up the alcohol. He wanted to change his life. He did with the help of counseling and medication and some temperamental willpower. It was hard reading his words. There were so many of them and I was hurting for him. He'd tell me his darkest thoughts. But there was progress too.

When I spoke to him at his most desperate, he'd been drinking again after six weeks of abstinence. He sounded so desperate, so sad. He got some proper help, again.

His medication kicked in. We continued to send long messages to eachother about everything. Mainly about how he was feeling, and how pleased I was about his progress, and sometimes he told me about how he regretted losing me for a while. I liked this 'new' person. The gold I saw shining from him since I first came to know him again was shining the brightest then. I loved him again. I hadn't stopped loving him. And he needed me again. The written word between us was as powerful as our embrace.

I told the counselor that I felt guilty about wanting to feel needed by him, and feeling useful, especially at his most vulnerable. The counselor told me that the desire to feel needed is natural and if I felt I was getting something from this relationship, then it was ok. My second greatest fear was that one day he'd no longer need me.

And then it all fell apart. He met her and things couldn't be the same between us. Of course we won't still be friends. Or whatever the hell we were. I was no longer needed.

I said to my mum that one of the things that upset me most was that I never spoke to him on the phone or in person sober. That really hurt. Especially knowing how happy he was, sober, loving his new life and love, and knowing that I couldn't share in that.

The situation changed so quickly that I experienced grief. Gone were the long emails and texts. Gone were the moments he made me smile and cry at the same time. From then it was just tears. He had used me in one of the worst ways possible.

I worried that I was as addicted to contact with him as he was to drugs and alcohol. Was I? Was I experiencing the same depression as him, if not for a brief period?

We are still in contact, sort of. If you count him liking my Facebook statuses and me silently questioning his maturity. I see he's drinking again now. I'm so disappointed. Hurt even. All those hours and messages and suicide threats and tears of worry were for what? Another girl can deal with that now. It doesn't mean I don't still wonder and worry. But I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, or who doesn't want me.

I received the most amazing email from a friend, confirming my worth and congratulating me on my success. My friend told me he had tears at 2.30 am just thinking about what I've achieved. I realised that I'd been receiving validation from the wrong person for far too long. I've been wanting to be needed by someone who doesn't deserve me.

I haven't been remembering him as vividly lately. I guess I haven't been actively thinking about things. As I poured that last glass of Frangelico, I realised I had washed away a story. I didn't feel pain, in fact, I breathed a sigh of relief and said "it's gone". Ironic that I had drank it away. There were two drinks left in the bottle, 13 less than the beers he'd had on our first night together. I felt in control. Not sad. My eyes have stayed dry as I've typed this story, and that Frangelico helped me tell it.

24 comments:

  1. Oh Carly. What a beautiful post. I felt the weight getting lighter as I read it.
    You are worht being loved and needed. It will come, I promise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Miss Pink. And if it doesn't happen yet that's ok too

      Delete
  2. Wow, what a hard situation to get through, but it does seem that your got through it. Finishing the Frangelico after the end of the relationship has a very strong sense of closure. Some relationship come around just to teach us more about ourselves. Sounds like this was one of those...

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    Replies
    1. I definitely learnt a lot about myself
      And thank you

      Delete
  3. Great post Carly...some people live on in our hearts - but are no longer in our lives. It's often best that way.

    Annalisa x

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  4. You have an amazing way of touching people through writing. Great post. Rachel x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Rachel, its so nice you were moved by this.

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  5. Oh Carly, I'm so glad you have got here. It is such a difficult thing to describe, that gradual letting go, changing thought patterns, getting to a place where you are ok. I knew you would make it there just fine and I'm so happy for you that you have. And thank you for sharing your story in such a moving way.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Lisa. I've had this idea for a while, the idea to write about need. And then after the last of the Frangelico it all came together. I wrote the whiole post on my phone actually and edited it on the computer.

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  6. I am so happy for you right now.The wonderful thing here is you have come to see You Deserve More.
    Thank goodness for your beautiful friend with the tears of happiness for your achievements.It is people like that who you need and deserve to have in your life.To lift you up and not drag you down.To help shine your light and be happy for you as that light gets brighter.
    Things will only get better from here as you have freed yourself of the past and have found the gift of knowing your worth.You deserve nothing less than the best.xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I don't know if this is the last time I'll write about him here, but it feels better not to think about him So much
      Thanks for your kind words x

      Delete
  7. Oh sweets, you won't believe me, I know you wont. But you deserve better. Better is around the corner. You gave everything, and that is the only way to live, but sometimes it means we get burnt, our hearts break and it feels so horrid.

    But you my dear, you is gonna be ok.

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  8. I cannot change what this man did or did not do. I cannot replace your tears nor save you from the sobs which once wracked your body. But Carly, know this; The world needs you. The time is going to come, I do not know when. Perhaps today, next week, next month, a year. But the time is going to come when you meet a man who is as beautiful and wonderful as you. And he will be sober and brilliant, for he will want to experience your beauty with the complete clarity that you so deserve. His disease was not because of you. It was there so very long before. The only mistake you ever made was be human; we all have to be needed Carly. And there is a man out there who desperately needs you Carly, and when you meet, you will need him equally. There will be no regrets, and no fears, and you will fill one another with so much love and light that the need for one another is forever ingrained on your hearts, and what this man did will be but a distant memory. But in the mean time; we need you. And we always will. Jess xxx

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    Replies
    1. Oh Jess, the consideration for others and insight you have is perfect. Thank you.
      I love that writing has brought us closer xx

      Delete
  9. Wow Carly. It's a powerful place to be where you are now - to know you made good decisions for yourself and to know you deserve so much more. You are so valid. You don't even need us to tell you (but we will - quite willingly!). Because it's even more powerful coming from yourself. x

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    Replies
    1. Thank yu Deb :) I noticed you're following me on twitter too, so welcome!

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  10. You are a wonderful, beautiful person inside and out Carly. You DO deserve better then what happened here. But people come into our lives for all kinds of reasons, and maybe he needed to come into your life at that time. I'll tell you one thing though, he doesn't need to be there any more. I'm glad you've washed him away. No sadness. No regrets. The man who deserves you will arrive in ways you least expect it.

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    Replies
    1. Katie thank you so much x
      Can't wait to meet you in NYC :)

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  11. Replies
    1. Thanks Dorothy. I really liked your post about bullying too. Not that it happened to you, but you used the experience to write something so beautiful.

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  12. Hi Carly, I have been following you on twitter for a while now and today we are both on ivillage's iFriday. I loved this post for its sincerity and honesty. I have had people in my life which I now refer to as toxic, which made me question myself. I have also had other people in my life (who I love dearly) who have alcohol related issues and I have too felt angry that they have returned to their old ways after I invested in their well being. Thanks for sharing. Erin @ Bookgirloz

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