19 November 2011

Happy, nearly.

I went to speak of you, yesterday, as though you are still part of my life. The words were on the tip of my tongue. Then I remembered, you're not a part of my life now. Not outside of my mind, anyway. And so I remained silent. But I kept thinking about what I was about to say, and how things have changed between us and how there's no reason to drop you in conversation any more. It's eleven weeks since things changed, again. And I don't even know what they changed from. Nor do you, it seems.
A friend asked me how I am doing now. If I still think of you every day. Yes. More than every day, I answered. I think of you so much. Too much. I can count the weeks and months since. I can remember how I felt when. Even writing this brings tears. It is more about me bringing the sadness on myself now, through thoughts alone, instead of your (lack of) words and actions.

But things are getting easier. Great stuff has happened lately. I realised happiness because of you is not the only happiness I'll ever feel. I'm not as sad. I'm not as resentful. I'm still sad and hurt your happiness has come at the cost of mine. But I'm glad that your life is on track, and you've found love and maybe even love yourself. I'm happy, nearly.
There's someone else now who loves me. They've told me this. I don't know how to feel, other than thankful and avoiding the situation. I'm not ready. Even though it's been so long since the first time I loved you, and a little while since the last time. I don't think the time between has stopped, actually. It's all just one continuum. And sometimes I can't wait for the end of the week/year/time. Because I have hope that soon I'll feel differently about you. You might become somebody I think of and smile, or somebody I don't think of at all. Time probably heals.
I miss you, I love you.


  1. Yes, time does heal. Just remember to take that time. Don't rush ahead like a speeding train, don't jump in feet first, all those cliches, which mean nothing more than don't love too hard too fast. Again. Try to let things develop more slowly.
    I'm glad your happiness is returning.

  2. Wow Carly! this an amazing powerful piece of writing!

  3. Oh wow. What an amazing piece of writing.
    You have such a beautiful heart.

  4. Thank you so much everyone, especially for the compliments on my writing. It's funny how the admired pieces of writing have often come just from me texting my thoughts into my notes function on my phone and uploading it via email with little editing!
    I feel better for writing things down and giving it to the world to read.

  5. You said there was someone else who loved you,why not give them a go.Just small steps at first.I feel like you really need a new distraction because moping around after this old guy who didn't/doesn't want you seems old and not at all healthy.No offence,I'm not trying to tell you how to feel or be harsh but you need to be a more proactive in your recovery,does he even still think about you?Probably not or only in passing.You still seem to devote a lot of time into someone who (although I don't know the full story) doesn't necessarily seem worthy of it.The person who does love might be worthy of your energy, in time,if you're prepared to give it a go.Give it a go.

  6. I fantastic boss/friend of mine and I both got our hearts broken within weeks of each other a few years ago. Properly broken, stomped on, shattered. I remember driving with her a few months later as we went past the street where her ex lived and she told me how every time she would approach that street she would tell herself not to look down it. Not to look if she could see him, or his car. But every time she would look. I was the same. If I saw my ex's type of car as I was driving I had to check if it was him. I didn't want to, but I did. And just the same it took an awfully long time before he didn't randomly pop into my head. Before I stopped having pretend conversations with him where he would actually listen and understand.

    When you have thought of someone every day, it takes time till you don't think any more, just like it takes time till you can drive past that street and not look. We hardwire the feelings and actions into our brains, and unwiring them takes time. But it happens, ever so slowely.

    I do occassionally think of him now, but more when he is mentioned by other mutual friends. My heart doesn't hurt, it doesn't do anything, I've moved on. But it took quite some time.

    So take your time. Don't rush into something new if it isn't the right thing for you. But if it is, then that is fate saying that time has moved on.

    Ok, I will stop my gigantic reply now (and my boring use of the word time ;P), but I will just add that this post was a stunning piece of writing.

  7. Hi Carly! This is my first comment on here, but I just wanted to say what an expressive post this is - you manage to get your emotions into words so well.

    Hopefully in time you will stop thinking of him so often, and you will stop missing him as much, and the hurt will fade.

    Hang in there! :)

  8. Thanks for all your comments. And welcome Cat!

    Anon, it's not like I set aside time to think of him each day. Thinking about him just happens. I don't want to dive into something so soon as when my heart still feels broken, it wouldn't be fair.


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