Self doubt

Lately I've been experiencing self doubt. I need to shake this off and make like the frog and the message above*. I need to realise my ability and be more confident. I think it might all come down to to the fact I am seven months before I turn 30. And I think I really just need to drink a cup of concrete and harden the fuck up. Or write it all down. Don't fancy the taste of concrete.

Turning 30. I am a renter. Earning an average wage. My bank account, unlike me, can't keep a healthy weight. Single. Childless. Nothing on the horizon to change these things.

In this past week I've had two friends get married (to each other), two friends announce their pregnancies, three friends go on or due to go on maternity leave, and one friend had a baby. I have two, maybe three wedding invites for this year. I am so happy for my friends, no doubt about it. It's exciting times in their lives. But I can't help thinking that I won't settle down and get married and have kids. It's not that I even want kids if they are badly behaved. I said to my Mum that I am reaching the age when she had me. She said she often thought she wouldn't find anyone either.  She reminded me that as I wrote once, someone will come along one day. And then I reminded her that she is normal. End of conversation.

I wonder what it'd be like to be in a long term relationship, with someone who has their shit together. Someone who loves me as much as, or even more than I love them. Regular sex. Mundane stuff. Letting myself go. I wonder if I will ever plan my wedding day outside of my head. I wonder whether I will be a parent - or even have a choice about whether I want to. Silly thoughts, I know.

He's been in contact again. When the initial text came through, while in Brisbane with my colleagues, none of which knew about him, before the all you can eat seafood buffet, I went white and a bit shaky. It came out of the blue. Earlier this week he gave me some encouraging words and told me he still... er...thinks of me. A friend recently gave me some wise words - 'you wouldn't be friends with someone who broke your arm, so why would you be friends with someone who broke your heart?'. And in between the late night texts between him and I, I thought of my friend's wisdom, and I continued to text.

I've been in a career slump too. My morale and motivation has taken a beating. I just don't think I am getting anywhere. And of course I have been doubting my best ability - my writing. I've had to have two tough conversations at work - tears were involved. I rarely get nervous but before these conversations I felt so anxious. Stomach in knots, shaking, tears welling up. This never happens to me. Fortunately now I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. And deep down I wish I had more time to follow my passions and dreams - to write more, do more TV work, and become a motivational speaker.

Sometimes I worry that my talents are only recognised because of my chronic illness. Would I be able to influence people with my writing without ichthyosis? Would people still find my stories interesting? I worry that I am not a good ambassador for the disability community because I don't have a severe enough disability or feel as strongly about political change as I do about social acceptance and inclusion. Sometimes I don't want to limit myself to just writing about disability, because in that field, all I have is my own experience. I have two Ramp Up drafts in progress, but I don't feel like I can take them far as the subjects are so close to my heart - and then I fear the subjects have already been covered by other writers.

I often wish I didn't have to explain why I look this way to strangers. Who else has to justify their appearance to others? I shouldn't have to pretend I don't hear kids' remarks about my red face so I won't offend their parents by answering back. My friends shouldn't get tired of the stares and comments that I no longer notice being thrown in my direction. I do feel privileged to be able to share so much of myself with strangers, but God, I do tire of looking this way. Sometimes I just want to get on with my day.

I know there are people out there doing it much tougher than me. I know I have a great life. And I've had success, and been given so many opportunities. And it won't be all doom and gloom for me. But I also know that I can come to my blog and write posts like this and feel much better - even before I receive comments. And to the person who googled 'carly findlay is a beautiful lady! you go girl! xx' - thank you :)

*picture was on Bern Morley's Facebook this morning.

Clothes make me happy

Clothes make me happy.

This first one was worn to a vintage clothes market - Round She Goes. It was so much fun! I went to the market with three lovely new friends I met at high tea. There were two rooms packed with vintage and modern treasures. I bought a number of dresses and a skirt, all in great condition and at great prices. The sizes were difficult. My petite yet curvy figure made the tiny size 12 waistband feel like a size six.

The outfit I wore featured a pre-loved skirt from a friend - it is so beautiful - lots of material and a tulle underskirt and a cute poodle appliqued on the front, and appliqued scattered hearts. I am also wearing my Stella McCartney for Target silk blouse from a few years ago, a Mimco headband, ballet flats and giant Diva cocktail ring.

This outfit was worn to Jebediah on Friday night. I don't know if such a dainty outfit was conducive to the rough moshpit complete with beer showers, but it survived the experience, albeit smelling like a brewery. The dress is my favourite one I bought at Round She Goes. It's a gorgeous peach floral with a cowel neck and gathered waist. I also wore a swing coat from Valley Girl - it's metallic cream - and my merino jumper and opaques and ballet flats.

And this one was worn to work and a lunch with friends. Excuse the gaping waist - there really should be an extra button. I am wearing a dress from Cue (it's green and mustard) and pleather jacket from Temt. My boots are from London Rebel.

What have you worn lately? Post your outfit links and descriptions below :)

Hitting the big time.

This was published a few days ago but Blogger broke and so the post was removed (by Blogger, not me). I received a number of supportive comments on the initial post - thank you - but these have gone too. I will try to repost them below when I get time. I also saw a number of Google searches in my Stat Counter that stated I am a narciccist and a red Teletubbie. Thank you, too, for thinking of me. Onwards and upwards. Here's the post.

I think I can say that last week I hit the big time. Or at least I hit the big time online. Maybe it's premature of me to say this, or vain, but I think I have. You can disagree ;)

While I didn't win the Best Australian Blogs competition (and being nominated as a finalist was in fact hitting the big time) - but a big congrats to those who did win -  a couple of things have happened to validate my thoughts. It also got me thinking about my ability as a writer to critique performances, and also be critiqued myself.

It started when I received a response via Twitter from Megan Washington following my critical review of her concert at the Forum.

That was a pretty big moment for me. Having the singer I just wrote about, that I was unimpressed with, writing back. Thanks Washington!

Wow - it's pretty flattering that she took the time to read my review and tell me her (brief) opinion. I enjoy how the internet brings everyone closer and allows for a rather immediate interaction between fans and celebrities. I received lots of great feedback from friends and strangers on my blog and Facebook - thanks so much. I was quite nervous in writing and publishing the review. But I am glad I did - I am glad I provided an alternative, balanced and honest opinion. I have always doubted my ability as a music reviewer - I don't believe I know enough about music - but after this, maybe I am not so bad after all.

The other thing that has happened has been a series of questionable Google searches. I have had strange ones in the past - 'why does Carly Findlay wear vaseline?' was funny - if the googler knew me, why not ask me personally? But these recent ones take the cake.

'Carly Findlay nude'. 'Carly Findlay bra'. 

'Carly Findlay breasts'. They're great. And I don't blame anyone for ogling googling them :P

And Hayley alerted me to 'Carly Finlay (sic) I am a slut'. Hmmmm. Really?

My initial reaction after the first Google sighting was a lot of laughter and to share the news on Facebook:

I checked my blog stats and someone googled me twice: 'Carly Findlay nude' and 'Carly Findlay bra'. Does this mean I've really made it? 

And

It is a bit creepy. But on the upside... Hahah I've always wanted my body to be admired. Next time someone comments on my appearance for being red or ugly etc I can say 'there are people out there searching for what I look like naked'!

I was finding it quite amusing. Ok, equal parts creepy and amusing. And the searches may not even be me. (But I'd secretly like to think the searches were!)

And then I received this response from a contact on Facebook:

I pray, for your sake, that it's not someone with a fetish for people with skin conditions/disorders/diseases. Or a stalker. Because that would be really creepy indeed. Maybe you have a secret admirer.

I was mightily pissed off. The person that wrote this was a contact I'd made through a mutual appreciation of a singer. I told her I was very annoyed. Hurt actually. While there was some slight concern there, I was hurt that she'd thought that people would want to see me nude to ridicule/fetishise over my skin, especially when I receive so much support from friends and strangers about my appearance. Brain. Fingers. Disengaged. I deleted and blocked her from all my social networking sites shortly after. She'd said a few questionable things so this event was good justification to delete and block.

The search for 'Carly Finlay I am a slut' baffled me. Firstly, my surname is spelled wrong. And I haven't opened my legs for a man for quite some time. I could tell you the exact date, but I am not that kind of girl. Hell, I haven't even shown off some cleavage in the hope to draw peoples' eyes from my 'sunburn' to my boobs in recent months. Really. I am that content with my life right now.

Maybe this search wasn't about me. But it sure made me laugh and say 'what the fuck?' - indeed. What the fuck? about this search and about what fuck(s) I've been getting for someone to think I am a slut. Hold on... on re-reading the search term, maybe they're declaring to me they're a slut and want me to come running?? Again, WTF???, and maybe this search wasn't about me.

I get it. Weird things happen because of the internet. And there are weird people on the internet. I get recognised from my blog and TV work. Someone on the train interrupted a conversation to tell me he recognised me from a picture on the internet. My friend and I laughed and laughed, and thought it was a real novelty. I am not freaked out by these Google searches. They are a little weird but I don't feel threatened or unsafe. I put myself out there on the internet and accept I am going to encounter a few questionable reactions and responses. Fortunately I have only only received one yucky comment about my appearance and that's a feat considering how many posts I've written, and also how many people I encounter in real life and online.

These events that made me think that I've hit the big time show me a few things:

That other people are just as curious about me as I am about celebrities.

That celebrities value critical opinion.

Not to take the internet too seriously.

And that by me putting my opinion and life out there for all to read means I am just as vulnerable to criticism, curiousity and weird online behaviour as the celebrities. (I am not thinking or saying I am one, it's just made me think realise I am more identifiable now.)

I think it's really interesting that the opportunities I've created for myself online allows a dialogue with so many people - celebrities, and people who may or may not be thinking about what I look like naked.

Big tough boots

 

I have been receiving so many compliments on my new boots. My big tough boots. I love them! When Westfield's online store offered me a free pair of shoes, of course I said yes! I don't fancy shoe shopping as my feet are teeny tiny, and so I thought shoe shopping online would be tricky. The safe option for me was to choose these boots. They are a perfect fit and are so comfy and warm. And the buckles are adjustable to the fat and skinny parts of my legs.

It was three degrees when I woke up yesterday, and only reached the mid teens. So I put together a snuggly outfit for work. Really proud of my effort considering I was tired, cold and had to navigate my floordrobe in semi darkness. My new Jag jumper I bought in Brisbane after seeing it feature in Shop til You Drop mag, old faithful herringbone pleated skirt from Jay Jays circa 2004, old and not often worn floral linen shirt, a scarf given to me by a friend, and my warm hooded jacket from Target. A Mimco headband, and a rabbit brooch. And my new big tough boots.

 If you'd like some for yourself, they are Novo brand in Baldwin style.

Thanks Westfield, I'll be wearing them all winter!

 (Yes this was a sponsored blog post but you'd do one too if you got free boots as kick arse as mine.)

Very Hungry Carlypillar skirts

A few weeks ago I wrote about the Very Hungry Carlypillar skirts Bec was making me. On Sunday I went to her place to pick them up. I LOVE them :)

This one features the fruit the caterpillar ate through. The healthy skirt.

I love the different coloured fruit against the blue spots.

 So pretty. And very versatile.

 The next one is my favourite of the two. It's the unhealthy skirt.

 

 I really like how the pale blue material matches the foods so well especially the lollypop and cupcake.

 And I love that the blouse I wore went well with the skirt.

Thank you Bec - I am so proud to have these skirts that no one else will! And I am so glad you enjoyed sewing them.

Bec also sewed me the Ikea dress but it needed some alteration (it was too big for me - a nice problem to have!). Here's a sneak peek.

The dress is divine. So elegant and a lovely floral. A girl I work with did tell me she has the bedspread on her bed now!!

Crowd surfing + beer showers - Jebediah at the Corner Hotel

I saw Jebediah play live on Friday night. Thanks to their latest release She's Like a Comet, and of course, Bob Evans, I have come to like their back catalogue that I missed during my teens (of course I was listening to Savage Garden and Jebediah were too scary for me). My friend R was down to stay and we met C and S there (who I first met last year when I saw Bob Evans at the Tote). It was a great night.

We arrived really early and positioned ourselves front row centre against the temporary mosh barrier. I kept having flashbacks to the times when I was in the mosh at Placebo, Screaming Jets and Kings of Leon (60 % awful, 40 % awesome), and realised being in a Jebediah mosh was not sensible for my health. I couldn't risk overheating and being pounded by a strong crowd. I was proud to brave three songs and a beer shower, and then made a difficult sideways exit. Some people were worried about how red I was and let me past, so that was beneficial. I managed to take three close up photos while front row, including this one.

My friends were the real heroes of the night - they braved the biffo, bottles to the head, beer showers and crowd surfers, and held their places in the front and centre for all of Jebediah's set. Well done girls.

Meanwhile, I positioned myself in a much safer spot next to the security guard at the front of the stage. I received a couple of thumps to my body from the very excited guys near me jumping around - and also a grazed forehead after one of the guys gave me a bristley hug to console me from him stepping on my foot. But overall I was pleased to have a comfortable spot with a great view.

Jebediah played a number of songs from their new album. But it was a mostly nostalgic show that took the crowd back to the late 90s. It was energetic, sweaty, rocking fuzzpop. I could barely recognise the sweet country voice I am used to hearing from Kevin Mitchell. But I did love his nasal sounds on Friday.

There were a lot of crowd surfers. Another reason I am glad I did not stay at the front. Though I was kind of envious of their (drunken?) bravery and trust in the crowd.

I took lots of photos. This one is my favourite.

I also took a video of Harpoon. I die.

I am so glad I've discovered this awesome music - many years after it was released. Thanks Jebediah for a great show!

And the boys go on and on. Part 5. The Prince Harry edition.

The lovely Bec sent me that picture. I love it. Since the Royal Wedding I've set my sights had my mind  on Prince Harry and his fortunes.

He has charisma. A full head of hair. And he runs a charity.

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And that smile makes me melt. Sigh. I'd make a good royal.

My trip to Brisbane - meeting Faux Fuchsia, Willow + Lotus, and excessive consumption of the breakfast buffet

Last week I went to Brisbane for work for three days. It was a grand event. Two things I noticed about Brisbane - the humidity made my curls look good, and the temperature is a really warm type of cool. Weird. It was a nice bed in my hotel, but there was no doona. Just a blanket covered by a sheet. I was cold and I missed having a doona.

Let's not beat around the bush. The jeans I wore to dinner at Treasury Casino on Wednesday night did not fit me on Friday night. I ate too much.  I ate four plates of seafood,

 Some ribs and sweet potato...

 And a plate of desserts...

 

And the breakfast buffet where at 7.15 am I ate a plate of camenbert and swiss cheese, cold meat and fruit

 And some jars of lychee rice pudding (ok I had two jars) plus lavender fruit salad...

 And eggs royale to celebrate the Royal wedding.

I was longing for some maternity style jeans to fit the foodbaby in my tummy.

I was invited to a glamourous jewellery launch at The Tribune Brisbane. The Tribune is located in a funky warehouse style building and it stocks high end and emerging designers. All the glamourous people were there.

There was some coloured cuffed pant action.

And some citrus jewels mixing it with some citrus fruit.

The launch was for Red Phoenix Emporium's Dolce Vita Collection. It's inspired by Italian fashion and food. There was gelati to match the jewels.

I loved it all.

I especially loved the long necklaces.

Here I am with Red Phoenix Emporium's beautiful designers, Lotus and Willow.

Their Dad was there too, very proud and taking pictures. He also has a blog. He took this one of Lotus and I. Mandatory dress shot...

And a shot to make us look taller.

I bought a Red Phoenix Emporium brooch. I love the light and shade it reflects.

 And it came with a cute pouch!

 

I also admired the art of Andy Geppert, who illustrated these postcards and the invite for the launch.

 I also bought two pretty cards Andy designed.

The most anticipated moment of my Brisbane trip was meeting Faux Fuchsia at the Tribune. She is so friendly, funny, lovely and beautiful. She was radiant. And her clothes sparkled.

And Baby Faux Fuchsia is as cute as a little designer frock button. I had a long cuddle and he didn't cry. Perfect baby! He wore a cardi that matched red cuffed pant man's.

I had a wonderful night. I loved meeting Willow, Lotus and FF's friends, and another blog reader Anne-Marie and her daughter Kate. Thanks for the invite, it was so very special. The Red Phoenix Emporium blog even lists me as a celebrity!

On my way back home I captured two rainbows.

I arrived home exhausted because a lot of work was done in between social engagements, but I was so happy because I had a nice time.