"I'm thinking about you wearing a bikini" and more online dating disasters

(source)

If only online dating was as cute as sauce characters on cheese toast. 

A few months ago, I wrote a post called 'Does your disability stop you from sucking cock? and other online dating disasters'. A charming post, detailing the sweet men that I've come across on the online dating site Oasis. Would they kiss their mother with a mouth like that?

I went on a hideous date with a man who told me he uses prostitutes in October. And for a few months I stopped using the site altogether. It was a good feeling. No longer wading through the generic (insincere) profiles, and knowing the impolite and soul destroying people would not enter my home - I'd only find them on the street. Recently though, for some reason I logged on again, and gave it a go. Maybe the men of Oasis had matured and they were reformed and polite, just waiting to sweep me off my feet? Wishful thinking.

(A few weeks ago I did have a date of sorts - with a nice, good looking, intelligent and funny man, who although a little bit racist and not afraid to voice his dislike for The Living End, almost cried when I explained the pain my ichthyosis causes me. After he'd calmed his nerves, our conversation flowed well - he was really interesting and genuine. He told me up front he was not after a relationship - despite his profile description - and was just looking to make friends. I don't know if we will be friends, but he did invite me to text him anytime.

I have also come across some pretty sad, lonely and troubled men on the site - who I feel for - but if their highlight of their day is going for a walk to the shops, and their highlight of the subsequent day is that too, they're not for me.)

This time around I had better luck attracting men. They seemed to want to get to know me. But like many of the men I've attracted away from the site, they came with their issues. It seems men on Oasis (and perhaps other dating sites) think it's acceptable to introduce the idea of sex up front. No small talk, just thinking and speaking (typing) with their dicks. And it's not even like I lead them to that conversation.

It seems, unlike a few years ago with online dating, there is no time for getting to know people before meeting them or talking about sex. They can barely get past hello without their pants bulging, champing at the bit to tell girls how big they are. And I'm not talking about teenage boys. The men I've spoken to online have been 28 and over. Some older than me - older than 30.

It's not like I don't want sex, but I want to get so know someone and feel safe and not pressured to talk about it or have it. I don't want a man who talks about sex to every woman he meets online. And I have been drawn to bad boys, but these types online aren't like the bad boys I've known and loved. The bad boys I've been drawn to have often had a heart of gold under their tough exterior.

I started chatting to a guy on Oasis who had a disability. He pounced on me, spilling out his whole life story (which I'd already read in his profile), gave me his phone number and said 'where to from here?' in the first two minutes of chatting. I said I'd like to get to know him better, and then he told me that's all there was to know about him. I said 'surely there's more', and proceeded to ask him about the music he likes. 'Pink Floyd, U2, Cold Chisel, I have a big sex drive'.

Men on Oasis. Dropping "I have a big sex drive" into the sentence where you're telling me the music you love is dumb. I know they're not a band. I let that one slide, chatted to him for a few more minutes, and told him I was going to bed. Bear in mind we had only been chatting for about five minutes. 'The things I'd like to do to you in bed', he said. It turns out his disability was not respectfully developing a rapport with me. And so I told him things won't work out because he was too impolite. Delete.

There was a guy who wanted to meet me - not have dinner with me, just meet me in a park, decide if he wants to kiss me or not, and if he did, he'd follow me back to my place to sit on my couch and kiss. I said no, I'd prefer to meet him in a public place and get to know him better first. I mentioned something about safety. His response: "Oh for fucks sake, I'm not a rapist", and then asked me if I had previously been raped. Delete.

The next one I thought had quite good conversation skills, we both appreciated music and his ex girlfriend had some sort of disability. We talked on and off for about a week. He asked me if we could meet up, he could come to my place. I suggested we meet at a pub in the city, maybe see a band. He didn't know any, he said, only heavy metal venues. I then suggested lunch. He said he couldn't afford lunch. But he came right out and said "I don't want a one night stand. I just want to hang out with you at your place and have sex every weekend". He told me I have a nice figure and he is 'thinking of me' wearing a bikini. Charmer. He gave me his number, hoping I'd call. I didn't.

Something else interesting happened - a man was regularly viewing my profile (Oasis tells you when people are checking you out). I sent him a contact request early on, and he declined, yet continued to view my profile. There was no way of getting in contact with him other than a further contact request - but I wanted to ask him why he was so intent on looking at what I had to offer (or not). I got visions of him looking at my profile and showing it to his mates, ridiculing me. So I blocked him. 

There was the man with English as his second language. He was hoping to find his wife on Oasis. "I am a one women [sic] man. Will you be my women?", he asked. Ummm. "I want one women whose pants I go in every night". I'd love a man like that too, but perhaps someone less brazen. And someone who knows the difference between single and plural - woman vs women.

Another guy contacted me and we had quite a good chat. He actually worked at my work, in another state, before moving to Melbourne. He told me he was really keen on a relationship, and then asked me if I wanted a picture of his abs, and requested a "naughty little something" from me. All in the first 10 minutes. No thanks. I don't want to feature in his wank bank, no matter how flattering that may be for some. He asked me if we could build a bit of sexual tension. Again, I'd rather get to know him first. He told me I am hot, and proceeded to explain what sort of positions he'd like to do me. Delete.

And these are just some of the men that I managed to screen shot conversations of before deleting. 

While these conversations make for funny (and cringeworthy) blog material, there is a more serious issue at heart. Now, perhaps I am keeping my legs and mind closed too tightly when approaching this online dating malarky. Maybe I need to be more open minded and just go with the flow. But I wouldn't go with the flow if a man in a bar came up to me to tell me he has been thinking about me in my bikini and requested a nude picture.

The privacy policy on Oasis does not extend to harassment from other members, but the help section does state you can report members who are being offensive. A few years ago when I wrote a story about online dating and deception for a university assignment I had a lot of trouble contacting online dating sites about the darker side of online dating - I contacted about five sites and no response from any of them. I wonder just how many people are reported and reprimanded due to their offensive behaviour on these sites?

I also wonder whether any of these men using dating sites would talk to women ‘in real life’ like they do online, or are they being brave behind a computer screen? And if these things were said/done in real life would it be sexual assault? The behaviour of some of these men is appalling.

Is it a behavioural problem that takes them online? Are they socially impaired to the point of having difficulty meeting women in person, and so they use dating sites - bringing their social impairment with them? (Having said that, one may suggest that I too may be socially impaired, because of my use of dating sites. I assure you that I am quite capable of polite conversations and adhering to social norms, on and offline.)

And perhaps this sort of behaviour comes from them reading men’s magazines. I was reading an article on Mamamia about how the content of men's magazines is very similar to some of the things convicted rapists have said about women. Objectifying women, believing women are 'asking for it', and criticising women for being 'dick teasers'. I got this vibe from talking to some of the men on Oasis. I get the impression that if women don't play along with men on dating sites (and vice versa in some cases), men consider the women to be at best, wasting their time, and at worse, dick teasers who are asking for it, and so they continue their lewd advances.

The semi anonymous and fully unaccountable nature of online dating means people can say what they want, with little consequence. They can say things that leave others feeling uncomfortable, unsafe and repulsed in their own environments. This sort of fear would no doubt translate to encounters in public places, completely away from online dating.

So where to now for me? I am going to give online dating a rest. Honestly, my heart still feels fragile. And I am quite busy. I'd prefer to meet someone in person so I can form a better opinion of them. And hopefully that may prove that not all men are rude and immature. I'd like to believe my Prince Charming is out there, or at least a polite and friendly guy who doesn't intimidate me by speaking through his penis.

I saw this tweet by P!nk. Sums it up perfectly. "Remember when the world had manners? Me neither... Can we bring some back? Please:) and thank you:)"

Music I've been missing - late 90s bands - Fuel and The Goo Goo Dolls

There's something about late 90s music that I love. Some songs I can listen to today in 2010, with fresh ears, with the feeling of the magic I get just hearing a song for the first time.

Like:
Tal Bachman's She's So High.
Anything Savage Garden (of course).
Natalie Imbruglia.
The Verve's Bitter Sweet Symphony.
Oasis.
Alanis Morissette.
Matchbox Twenty.
U2.
Silverchair.
Tonic.
Train's Drops of Jupiter.
The Wallflowers.

I think I'll have to do Music I've Been Missing entries on a number of the bands listed above.

Yesterday's flight home was eased by my iPod playlist, which had a couple of late 90s bands on it. Fuel and The Goo Goo Dolls.

I realised late 90s bands is the music I've been missing.

I bought Fuel's Sunburn album when I was about 18, young and impressionable (read - when anything that wasn't Savage Garden was a risk). I thought having the album would make me cool. Someone I knew who was cool had it. I found it difficult to listen to because it was heavy and thrashy and I couldn't hear the words over the heaviness and thrashiness. (I'm sure if I gave it a go today it may sound less heavy and thrashy).

Then I bought the Cold Live at the Chapel CD after hearing it played in the store I worked in, around 2000. I was a huge fan of the Cold Live at the Chapel series on TV. 'Cold' related to the Carlton Cold beer. Since 2000, it's been sponsored by a number of brands including Vodafone and Kia, so you may not know it as Cold Live at the Chapel. Its was a TV show featuring live recordings of bands, some Australian and some international, filmed at the Chapel off Chapel. Chapel off Chapel is a converted church in little Chapel Street, Prahan (Melbourne). It's beautifully ornate.

In 2006 I won tickets to see Bob Evans play there (for Vodafone Live at the Chapel). That was the best music weekend ever - Make Poverty History concert on Friday, Live at the Chapel on Saturday and U2 on Sunday! The Live at the Chapel show was amazing. It was the first time I'd seen Bob Evans live.We were given drinks and nibbles, sang along to the lyrics and got to meet the band afterward. I recorded a few songs on my dodgy camera. And took some photos too.

This one is dodgy and blurry, or arty, depending on which way you look at it.


Here is me meeting Bob Evans. I'm rarely (openly) self critical of my appearance in photos, but what's with my slouch!?! The stray hand is S's.


Anyhow, the Cold Live at the Chapel CD I bought in 2000 had acoustic songs by The Foo Fighters, Killing Heidi, Tonic Paul Kelly and Fuel, among others. It is an awesome CD and I listened to it a lot, back in the day.

It was through listening to this CD that I really appreciated Fuel. Because I was able to hear the singer's voice. Fuel's songs on the CD were Shimmer and Bittersweet.

Here is Bittersweet.



I could never really understand the (meaning and pronunciation of) lyrics, but I enjoyed the gruff voice.

While I cannot find a link to the Cold Live at the Chapel version of Shimmer, here is a VH1 Storytellers one which is similar.



I really like the verse:

'She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterfliess, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools that fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend'

It reminds me of the song My Favourite Things from The Sound of Music. Only sung by a straggly-haired, gravelly voiced rock and roll singer.

In my research for this blog entry, I have seen that the original singer Brett Scallions left Fuel in 2006 and has been replaced by a new singer, Toryn Green. Who knew? You Tube videos demonstrate the two singers sound very similar.

Next on my playlist was the Goo Goo Dolls' Slide and Black Balloon from their album Dizzy Up the Girl.

When I was about 16 I bought the City of Angels soundtrack for The Goo Goo Dolls' Iris and Alanis Morissette's song Uninvited. I thought the rest of the album (bar Sarah McLachlan's song) was boring. BORING! And dull. And then I think Alanis's song was available on her difficult second album, Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie anyway.

I thought the movie was boring too. Nic Cage was a chronic mumbler. The redeeming feature of City of Angels was Meg Ryan's hair. Though my hair is short and curly, I wished it looked as great as Meg Ryan's:


I would listen to Iris on repeat. I was in love with the drama, melancholy and love within the song. And I was probably yearning for some unattainable boy, singing 'I'd give up forever to touch you' in my head and thinking of how my surname would look hyphenated with his.

Then I heard Slide. I was in love with this song too.



I liked this song even more than Iris. I bought Dizzy Up The Girl, maybe in 1999, but similarly to with the Fuel album, it was too heavy for my precious ears and closed mind! In recent years I've appreciated it more and think I overreacted to the supposed heaviness of the CD. It's not heavy at all. And contains another gravelly voiced rockstar which I like so much.

I have wondered whether Slide was about forbidden love, or someone's girlfriend having an abortion and considering the option/pressure to get married (in both situations). It's hard to tell - the lyrics aren't as blunt as the Ben Folds Five song Brick (another great late 90s song). I haven't googled the meaning the lyrics to Slide, because I am content making up my own meaning to the song, but please share your interpretations of the song lyrics.

This was a very convoluted blog entry to write, and I hope it doesn't read in a convoluted way, but in writing it, my memory has been jogged with other fantastic late 90s bands.