06 February 2012

"I'm thinking about you wearing a bikini" and more online dating disasters

If only online dating was as cute as sauce characters on cheese toast. 

A few months ago, I wrote a post called 'Does your disability stop you from sucking cock? and other online dating disasters'. A charming post, detailing the sweet men that I've come across on the online dating site Oasis. Would they kiss their mother with a mouth like that?

I went on a hideous date with a man who told me he uses prostitutes in October. And for a few months I stopped using the site altogether. It was a good feeling. No longer wading through the generic (insincere) profiles, and knowing the impolite and soul destroying people would not enter my home - I'd only find them on the street. Recently though, for some reason I logged on again, and gave it a go. Maybe the men of Oasis had matured and they were reformed and polite, just waiting to sweep me off my feet? Wishful thinking.

(A few weeks ago I did have a date of sorts - with a nice, good looking, intelligent and funny man, who although a little bit racist and not afraid to voice his dislike for The Living End, almost cried when I explained the pain my ichthyosis causes me. After he'd calmed his nerves, our conversation flowed well - he was really interesting and genuine. He told me up front he was not after a relationship - despite his profile description - and was just looking to make friends. I don't know if we will be friends, but he did invite me to text him anytime.

I have also come across some pretty sad, lonely and troubled men on the site - who I feel for - but if their highlight of their day is going for a walk to the shops, and their highlight of the subsequent day is that too, they're not for me.)

This time around I had better luck attracting men. They seemed to want to get to know me. But like many of the men I've attracted away from the site, they came with their issues. It seems men on Oasis (and perhaps other dating sites) think it's acceptable to introduce the idea of sex up front. No small talk, just thinking and speaking (typing) with their dicks. And it's not even like I lead them to that conversation.

It seems, unlike a few years ago with online dating, there is no time for getting to know people before meeting them or talking about sex. They can barely get past hello without their pants bulging, champing at the bit to tell girls how big they are. And I'm not talking about teenage boys. The men I've spoken to online have been 28 and over. Some older than me - older than 30.

It's not like I don't want sex, but I want to get so know someone and feel safe and not pressured to talk about it or have it. I don't want a man who talks about sex to every woman he meets online. And I have been drawn to bad boys, but these types online aren't like the bad boys I've known and loved. The bad boys I've been drawn to have often had a heart of gold under their tough exterior.

I started chatting to a guy on Oasis who had a disability. He pounced on me, spilling out his whole life story (which I'd already read in his profile), gave me his phone number and said 'where to from here?' in the first two minutes of chatting. I said I'd like to get to know him better, and then he told me that's all there was to know about him. I said 'surely there's more', and proceeded to ask him about the music he likes. 'Pink Floyd, U2, Cold Chisel, I have a big sex drive'.

Men on Oasis. Dropping "I have a big sex drive" into the sentence where you're telling me the music you love is dumb. I know they're not a band. I let that one slide, chatted to him for a few more minutes, and told him I was going to bed. Bear in mind we had only been chatting for about five minutes. 'The things I'd like to do to you in bed', he said. It turns out his disability was not respectfully developing a rapport with me. And so I told him things won't work out because he was too impolite. Delete.

There was a guy who wanted to meet me - not have dinner with me, just meet me in a park, decide if he wants to kiss me or not, and if he did, he'd follow me back to my place to sit on my couch and kiss. I said no, I'd prefer to meet him in a public place and get to know him better first. I mentioned something about safety. His response: "Oh for fucks sake, I'm not a rapist", and then asked me if I had previously been raped. Delete.

The next one I thought had quite good conversation skills, we both appreciated music and his ex girlfriend had some sort of disability. We talked on and off for about a week. He asked me if we could meet up, he could come to my place. I suggested we meet at a pub in the city, maybe see a band. He didn't know any, he said, only heavy metal venues. I then suggested lunch. He said he couldn't afford lunch. But he came right out and said "I don't want a one night stand. I just want to hang out with you at your place and have sex every weekend". He told me I have a nice figure and he is 'thinking of me' wearing a bikini. Charmer. He gave me his number, hoping I'd call. I didn't.

Something else interesting happened - a man was regularly viewing my profile (Oasis tells you when people are checking you out). I sent him a contact request early on, and he declined, yet continued to view my profile. There was no way of getting in contact with him other than a further contact request - but I wanted to ask him why he was so intent on looking at what I had to offer (or not). I got visions of him looking at my profile and showing it to his mates, ridiculing me. So I blocked him. 

There was the man with English as his second language. He was hoping to find his wife on Oasis. "I am a one women [sic] man. Will you be my women?", he asked. Ummm. "I want one women whose pants I go in every night". I'd love a man like that too, but perhaps someone less brazen. And someone who knows the difference between single and plural - woman vs women.

Another guy contacted me and we had quite a good chat. He actually worked at my work, in another state, before moving to Melbourne. He told me he was really keen on a relationship, and then asked me if I wanted a picture of his abs, and requested a "naughty little something" from me. All in the first 10 minutes. No thanks. I don't want to feature in his wank bank, no matter how flattering that may be for some. He asked me if we could build a bit of sexual tension. Again, I'd rather get to know him first. He told me I am hot, and proceeded to explain what sort of positions he'd like to do me. Delete.

And these are just some of the men that I managed to screen shot conversations of before deleting. 

While these conversations make for funny (and cringeworthy) blog material, there is a more serious issue at heart. Now, perhaps I am keeping my legs and mind closed too tightly when approaching this online dating malarky. Maybe I need to be more open minded and just go with the flow. But I wouldn't go with the flow if a man in a bar came up to me to tell me he has been thinking about me in my bikini and requested a nude picture.

The privacy policy on Oasis does not extend to harassment from other members, but the help section does state you can report members who are being offensive. A few years ago when I wrote a story about online dating and deception for a university assignment I had a lot of trouble contacting online dating sites about the darker side of online dating - I contacted about five sites and no response from any of them. I wonder just how many people are reported and reprimanded due to their offensive behaviour on these sites?

I also wonder whether any of these men using dating sites would talk to women ‘in real life’ like they do online, or are they being brave behind a computer screen? And if these things were said/done in real life would it be sexual assault? The behaviour of some of these men is appalling.

Is it a behavioural problem that takes them online? Are they socially impaired to the point of having difficulty meeting women in person, and so they use dating sites - bringing their social impairment with them? (Having said that, one may suggest that I too may be socially impaired, because of my use of dating sites. I assure you that I am quite capable of polite conversations and adhering to social norms, on and offline.)

And perhaps this sort of behaviour comes from them reading men’s magazines. I was reading an article on Mamamia about how the content of men's magazines is very similar to some of the things convicted rapists have said about women. Objectifying women, believing women are 'asking for it', and criticising women for being 'dick teasers'. I got this vibe from talking to some of the men on Oasis. I get the impression that if women don't play along with men on dating sites (and vice versa in some cases), men consider the women to be at best, wasting their time, and at worse, dick teasers who are asking for it, and so they continue their lewd advances.

The semi anonymous and fully unaccountable nature of online dating means people can say what they want, with little consequence. They can say things that leave others feeling uncomfortable, unsafe and repulsed in their own environments. This sort of fear would no doubt translate to encounters in public places, completely away from online dating.

So where to now for me? I am going to give online dating a rest. Honestly, my heart still feels fragile. And I am quite busy. I'd prefer to meet someone in person so I can form a better opinion of them. And hopefully that may prove that not all men are rude and immature. I'd like to believe my Prince Charming is out there, or at least a polite and friendly guy who doesn't intimidate me by speaking through his penis.

I saw this tweet by P!nk. Sums it up perfectly. "Remember when the world had manners? Me neither... Can we bring some back? Please:) and thank you:)"


  1. Oh Carly, what a well-written and honest read on the sucky situation of online dating. The number of times married friends of mine have said, "well if I was single, I'd totally be using online dating!" have NO idea. I'll be sharing this post. X

  2. Wow, amazing insight into a world I have on clue about. I think you're right to give it a rest - you're too busy for ridiculous people. I do believe goodness will come to you if you radiate love. Easy to say...but I do believe it's true.
    Heidi xo

  3. I met my now hubby on RSVP many years ago. I noticed that for every decent, genuine guy on there, there was about 20 guys only looking for sex or just plain weird/creepy! Guess I was one of the lucky ones to get someone decent. Chin up Carly, your a great girl and a great guy will come along when you least expect it....

  4. Hey Carly- is there a reason why you're using Oasis in particular? Sorry if you've mentioned this elsewhere. My understanding is there is a bit of a heirarchy in the online sites and Oasis is trending towards the lower end. The cheaper they are, the more sleazeballs etc. I'm on another site where you pay a premium and you still have the interesting characters, and I have some funny stories (like the guy who cried about a passage from Harry Potter on the FIRST DATE!)but not one person has ever raised the topic of s*x with me and I've been on several first and second dates. They are polite and the crass factor is low.

    A friend made an interesting point to me yesterday. While online dating is very common these days and doesn't have the associated stigmas it once had, there still doesn't seem to be many men that we know and like who use online dating. A lot of our female friends do, but less men. Which suggests the men that do use it mix in other social circles that aren't necessarily structured in a similar way as our own.

    It's a jungle out there and it sounds like you're really giving it a crack. As a friend of mine says "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got", which means you just need to keep mixing it up, keeping things interesting and getting out there. All the best!

  5. Haha! This post made me laugh, and I could relate to it a lot. My best friend and I used to use Oasis to see what was out there, and the stories we could tell! It turned out to be a bit of a laugh, really.

    I guess being a free site, it is easy for men to go on there to use it for whatever they like, and it doesn't cost them a cent! Perhaps the quality of paid dating sites may be a little better, because they've had to fork out some cash for them?

    It seems like the sleazebags who used to try and crack onto girls in the clubs now can do it from the comfort of their own homes, and not even have to get changed or do their hair thanks to sites like Oasis!

    Having said that, although a majority of the guys on there are loonies, there are random good men on there! I have made a few good friends from the site, and unexpectedly met my match on there :) I was only looking for friends, but then along came this man who was a perfect gentleman (rare in this day and age!) and swept me off my feet. For as many bad experiences as I had on that site, each and every one was worth it to eventually find him! :)

    Chin up, and I hope that your Prince Charming comes along soon. Like the above comment has said, he'll come along when you least expect it! xx

  6. I'm going to show this to my mother the next time she suggests I try online dating... ;)

  7. I did a bit of online dating - RSVP was my platform of choice. When I started chatting right up front I would say I'm not meeting you until we have been chatting and emailing for long enough for me to be comfortable with who you are. Then I would remind them that we live in Canberra which has a whole 2 degrees of separation. That usually sorted out the chancers. That said, the full on sex talk thing didn't really happen, so maybe if you are going to give it another go, try a different platform.

    That said, the Internet is a strange place. I had some uni tutorials online and the things people would say were astonishing, particularly given we would all be in the same room the next day. Personally I regard anything I put online, even if it is under a pseudonym, to be a reflection of me and something I would say to someone in real life - and that goes for dating too.

  8. I hear you, Carly. I was on a dating site for a couple of weeks and had to shut down my profile because I was losing all hope in men and humanity in general. It might work for some people, but it's definitely not for me, I really need to meet people in person and get to know them without that pressure and expectation.

    I do agree with Jess, I think Oasis is one of the worst. Have you tried eHarmony? I think that one's got a pretty good idea with the personality tests they do.

  9. Oh Carly, what a terrible experience and one that I had no idea goes on. Positive thoughts your way in finding a 'regular' guy soon. Love your writing style!

  10. That sounds awful. You really shouldn't have to put up with that. If nothing else, you're just having your time wasted. I hope you have better luck with a different site if decide to keep trying.

  11. Oh . my . goodness - sorry, but I laughed so loud with some of the cockless men you mentioned. I think they watch way too much porn and believe that all women want to be banged in such a manner. Shan xo - kiss and hug to you.

  12. Wow...Reading this I don't know whether to laugh or cry.Is this what I have to look forward to when I get back into dating? Luckily for me I've been preoccupied with work and my Masters degree,so I've had an excuse to not be bothered with men.Wow...

    As for the guy who was ' a little bit racist?' (is there even such a thing as a little bit racist?) Why would you want to be friends with him?Racism and ignorance aren't acceptable in any form whether his bigotry applies to you or not.

    And the guy whose second language was English..I think you were a bit harsh.I agree with you about the sex talk but bitching about him not knowing the difference between single and plural for a foreign speaker seems a bit low.You try learning a second language,it's damn hard and sometimes confusing.

    What about speed dating?My friends have tried it,one actually got a boyfriend out of it.That way you get to meet the guys face to face,in a safe environment where everyone is on their best behaviour or is that too 2002?

  13. Hi Carly,
    Unfortunately this post sounded very familiar to me, as I have friends who have been on Oasis and had the same experiences. There seems to be an expectation that if you're on the site, you will automatically want them, and be happy to skip to the last base!
    It scares me as to the type of men we have out here. I wonder how much is to do with the rise in use of porn, which warps men's attitudes towards women, and making them think of us as just sex objects.
    Good idea to meet in a public place Carly. My friends have met with guys who tried to trick them into going to their apartment, have received unwanted physical attention in their cars etc.

  14. :( I'm sorry you've met all these weirdos, sometimes people are just so crass. I'm sure you will meet a lovely guy who doesn't want to wave his wand around and magic your clothes off. As for the rest, they can get punched in the face! x

  15. I will email you the poem I put on my RSVP site.
    I used RSVP. Met some very nice guys.
    Only one complete tool
    No crass encounters.
    And I will say that the online dating is something you must do only when feeling strong.
    Big hugs, carly, catch up soon?
    Cilla (sassydrcil


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