"I'm thinking about you wearing a bikini" and more online dating disasters

(source)

If only online dating was as cute as sauce characters on cheese toast. 

A few months ago, I wrote a post called 'Does your disability stop you from sucking cock? and other online dating disasters'. A charming post, detailing the sweet men that I've come across on the online dating site Oasis. Would they kiss their mother with a mouth like that?

I went on a hideous date with a man who told me he uses prostitutes in October. And for a few months I stopped using the site altogether. It was a good feeling. No longer wading through the generic (insincere) profiles, and knowing the impolite and soul destroying people would not enter my home - I'd only find them on the street. Recently though, for some reason I logged on again, and gave it a go. Maybe the men of Oasis had matured and they were reformed and polite, just waiting to sweep me off my feet? Wishful thinking.

(A few weeks ago I did have a date of sorts - with a nice, good looking, intelligent and funny man, who although a little bit racist and not afraid to voice his dislike for The Living End, almost cried when I explained the pain my ichthyosis causes me. After he'd calmed his nerves, our conversation flowed well - he was really interesting and genuine. He told me up front he was not after a relationship - despite his profile description - and was just looking to make friends. I don't know if we will be friends, but he did invite me to text him anytime.

I have also come across some pretty sad, lonely and troubled men on the site - who I feel for - but if their highlight of their day is going for a walk to the shops, and their highlight of the subsequent day is that too, they're not for me.)

This time around I had better luck attracting men. They seemed to want to get to know me. But like many of the men I've attracted away from the site, they came with their issues. It seems men on Oasis (and perhaps other dating sites) think it's acceptable to introduce the idea of sex up front. No small talk, just thinking and speaking (typing) with their dicks. And it's not even like I lead them to that conversation.

It seems, unlike a few years ago with online dating, there is no time for getting to know people before meeting them or talking about sex. They can barely get past hello without their pants bulging, champing at the bit to tell girls how big they are. And I'm not talking about teenage boys. The men I've spoken to online have been 28 and over. Some older than me - older than 30.

It's not like I don't want sex, but I want to get so know someone and feel safe and not pressured to talk about it or have it. I don't want a man who talks about sex to every woman he meets online. And I have been drawn to bad boys, but these types online aren't like the bad boys I've known and loved. The bad boys I've been drawn to have often had a heart of gold under their tough exterior.

I started chatting to a guy on Oasis who had a disability. He pounced on me, spilling out his whole life story (which I'd already read in his profile), gave me his phone number and said 'where to from here?' in the first two minutes of chatting. I said I'd like to get to know him better, and then he told me that's all there was to know about him. I said 'surely there's more', and proceeded to ask him about the music he likes. 'Pink Floyd, U2, Cold Chisel, I have a big sex drive'.

Men on Oasis. Dropping "I have a big sex drive" into the sentence where you're telling me the music you love is dumb. I know they're not a band. I let that one slide, chatted to him for a few more minutes, and told him I was going to bed. Bear in mind we had only been chatting for about five minutes. 'The things I'd like to do to you in bed', he said. It turns out his disability was not respectfully developing a rapport with me. And so I told him things won't work out because he was too impolite. Delete.

There was a guy who wanted to meet me - not have dinner with me, just meet me in a park, decide if he wants to kiss me or not, and if he did, he'd follow me back to my place to sit on my couch and kiss. I said no, I'd prefer to meet him in a public place and get to know him better first. I mentioned something about safety. His response: "Oh for fucks sake, I'm not a rapist", and then asked me if I had previously been raped. Delete.

The next one I thought had quite good conversation skills, we both appreciated music and his ex girlfriend had some sort of disability. We talked on and off for about a week. He asked me if we could meet up, he could come to my place. I suggested we meet at a pub in the city, maybe see a band. He didn't know any, he said, only heavy metal venues. I then suggested lunch. He said he couldn't afford lunch. But he came right out and said "I don't want a one night stand. I just want to hang out with you at your place and have sex every weekend". He told me I have a nice figure and he is 'thinking of me' wearing a bikini. Charmer. He gave me his number, hoping I'd call. I didn't.

Something else interesting happened - a man was regularly viewing my profile (Oasis tells you when people are checking you out). I sent him a contact request early on, and he declined, yet continued to view my profile. There was no way of getting in contact with him other than a further contact request - but I wanted to ask him why he was so intent on looking at what I had to offer (or not). I got visions of him looking at my profile and showing it to his mates, ridiculing me. So I blocked him. 

There was the man with English as his second language. He was hoping to find his wife on Oasis. "I am a one women [sic] man. Will you be my women?", he asked. Ummm. "I want one women whose pants I go in every night". I'd love a man like that too, but perhaps someone less brazen. And someone who knows the difference between single and plural - woman vs women.

Another guy contacted me and we had quite a good chat. He actually worked at my work, in another state, before moving to Melbourne. He told me he was really keen on a relationship, and then asked me if I wanted a picture of his abs, and requested a "naughty little something" from me. All in the first 10 minutes. No thanks. I don't want to feature in his wank bank, no matter how flattering that may be for some. He asked me if we could build a bit of sexual tension. Again, I'd rather get to know him first. He told me I am hot, and proceeded to explain what sort of positions he'd like to do me. Delete.

And these are just some of the men that I managed to screen shot conversations of before deleting. 

While these conversations make for funny (and cringeworthy) blog material, there is a more serious issue at heart. Now, perhaps I am keeping my legs and mind closed too tightly when approaching this online dating malarky. Maybe I need to be more open minded and just go with the flow. But I wouldn't go with the flow if a man in a bar came up to me to tell me he has been thinking about me in my bikini and requested a nude picture.

The privacy policy on Oasis does not extend to harassment from other members, but the help section does state you can report members who are being offensive. A few years ago when I wrote a story about online dating and deception for a university assignment I had a lot of trouble contacting online dating sites about the darker side of online dating - I contacted about five sites and no response from any of them. I wonder just how many people are reported and reprimanded due to their offensive behaviour on these sites?

I also wonder whether any of these men using dating sites would talk to women ‘in real life’ like they do online, or are they being brave behind a computer screen? And if these things were said/done in real life would it be sexual assault? The behaviour of some of these men is appalling.

Is it a behavioural problem that takes them online? Are they socially impaired to the point of having difficulty meeting women in person, and so they use dating sites - bringing their social impairment with them? (Having said that, one may suggest that I too may be socially impaired, because of my use of dating sites. I assure you that I am quite capable of polite conversations and adhering to social norms, on and offline.)

And perhaps this sort of behaviour comes from them reading men’s magazines. I was reading an article on Mamamia about how the content of men's magazines is very similar to some of the things convicted rapists have said about women. Objectifying women, believing women are 'asking for it', and criticising women for being 'dick teasers'. I got this vibe from talking to some of the men on Oasis. I get the impression that if women don't play along with men on dating sites (and vice versa in some cases), men consider the women to be at best, wasting their time, and at worse, dick teasers who are asking for it, and so they continue their lewd advances.

The semi anonymous and fully unaccountable nature of online dating means people can say what they want, with little consequence. They can say things that leave others feeling uncomfortable, unsafe and repulsed in their own environments. This sort of fear would no doubt translate to encounters in public places, completely away from online dating.

So where to now for me? I am going to give online dating a rest. Honestly, my heart still feels fragile. And I am quite busy. I'd prefer to meet someone in person so I can form a better opinion of them. And hopefully that may prove that not all men are rude and immature. I'd like to believe my Prince Charming is out there, or at least a polite and friendly guy who doesn't intimidate me by speaking through his penis.

I saw this tweet by P!nk. Sums it up perfectly. "Remember when the world had manners? Me neither... Can we bring some back? Please:) and thank you:)"