14 October 2013

I don't want to be someone's heroic choice or the person they were too afraid of getting to know.

A friend told me that looking different is a pretty good dickhead filter. I've also found that barriers for people who look different or with disabilities are as much about other people's attitudes as a lack of ramps, captioning and sign language.

Last week I got a message via my online dating profile. I never actively seek out men on OkCupid, because I'm never quite what they expect ("you didn't tell me you were THAT red"), and there were those hideous experiences a couple of years ago, and the men who find me are always a little too unemployed or anti-social for my liking. But occasionally I get a message from someone. Very occasionally.

It was a nice first message, with many xs and os. He's a bit younger than me, and for a minute I felt very Samantha from Sex and the City. I made small talk with this guy - telling him I like writing, eating, seeing live music and travel. He asked me what I like to write - I sent him the link to my blog. And so he could read all about me, including why I look the way I do.

He replied: "I liked learning about your genetic disease, he told me. I still want to meet you."

Two things crossed my mind. I've been given a hesitant chance, and god, well meaning people can be condescending. He went on to say:

"I was hesistant but since i've gotten to know you, you seem like a very nice person. I can see why some people would be turned away but not me, i see your inner beauty. Well i was hesitant about sending you that first message. It took me a while to send the first message but i'm glad i did as i can see that you are a wonderful person inside and out."

While some parts of his message are very complimentary, it feels like a backhanded compliment. Having someone tell me they were hesitant of contacting me because of the way I look, that's not unexpected, but is quite confronting. And "I can see why someone would be turned away" by how I look - that is too. I experience this sort of stuff all the time, and while I'm used to it, doesn't mean it gets easier.

It felt as though he put his big girl panties on, and plucked up the courage to click on my profile, and then felt good about doing it. When he's realised I'm normal, just like everyone else (god I hate that phrase) he seemed to change his mind about what's worthy of love. And he didn't even understand why this comversation was hurtful.

While I dont think he meant to cause upset or offence, the conversation I had with this guy proved, once again, the limited awareness and poor perception of people who look different. And perhaps overall, a person who says this is a good person. But if they hesitate to say hello because of appearance, then maybe they're not the person for me.

Friends have experienced similar. Lauren, a friend who was overweight for a long time and has recently lost a considerable amount of weight, told me:

"When I lost weight I had a guy I used to see contact me and tell me 'gee I am spewing I dated you whilst you were fat especially now you are hot'" - adding "seriously do people have a filter between their pea brains and their mouths?".

Gina, who wrote for Ichthyosis Awareness Month, said:

"It's really weird to be made to feel like that. It's like, "Thanks but... No thanks." I have spent the better part of my life telling myself I am not much different in appearence from everyone else but that I am accepting of the fact that I do actually have drier skin than everyone else. And to have someone tell me that they basically had to look past my appearence to see how 'beautiful' I am is a not just a backhanded compliment, but a backhanded compliment that feels like a backhand in the face!"

I don't have a problem with talking about my condition - as you know I'm quite comfortable with it. What I do have a problem with is people being hesitant to start up a conversation with me because I look different, and when they do, feeling almost heroic for doing a good deed. I'm not keen on the "but you're normal like everyone else", nor people being curious enough to launch into a conversation about my appearance without the basic courtesy of saying hello.

Regarding the "looking past appearance" expression - this guy said to me that he was hesitant about my appearance but now he's looked past it, as though it's something that shouldn't be a part of my identity. As though it is something to actually look past - like you look past bad table manners and the price of airport food.

And on inner beauty - I'm a believer in inner beauty. It's about being a good person. But I don't think it should be a substitute for outer appearances when people don't quite know what to make of visible differences. Inner beauty is like normal is like just like everybody else.

It's ok for me to be proud of my identity and not to want to change how I look, and it's safe for others to come to get to know me. Tolerance and looking past disability seems like other expressions of not quite being comfortable with people with disabilities. (For more on "looking past", read Stella Young's wonderful letter to her younger self.) It's even ok for someone else to be proud of how I look, and not worry what others might think of them if they were to find someone who looks different attractive.

I don't want to be someone's second best, someone's heroic choice or the person they were too afraid of getting to know. Clicking on my online dating profile is not brave or doing a good deed.

 

30 comments:

  1. I've had some awful comments directed at me when I first started dating my hubby from his parents. Very backhanded ones mainly directed at my weight which was a normal size 10 at the time. The funniest was when I went for 2nd bowl of salad because fat females (aka me) that dine at the inlaws are given half sized serves and I was super starving. My father in-law (who isn't exactly Mr Trim) made a huge point of telling me it wasn't all about the cheesecake. If there had of been any cheesecake in the house I would have possibly thrown it at him. lol

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  2. I can't disagree with anything you say, but I also need to say that I think you're giving this guy a hard time...

    Dating is difficult... people are shy and nervous and awkward... and like you say, I'm sure this bloke didn't mean to cause offence... he definitely chose the wrong words, but if you're not someone who is aware of the issues relating to self-image and visible differences or disabilities, then I think it's going to be difficult to find the appropriate words...

    Yes, this guy has caused you offence, but he did so through ignorance, not spite... and maybe he's guilty of over-sharing what he was feeling... but, on the other hand, he was also being honest about his feelings, and even though his choice of words were insensitive, I think his honesty is a good sign... he was trying to show some empathy for you, but expressed it awkwardly...

    Don't get me wrong - I think you were justified in feeling some offence - and this post is another great example of how you are educating the general public about self-image - but as a shy guy who used to struggle on the dating scene, there's a part of me that wants to cut the guy some slack... :)

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    1. Yeah I sort of thought the guy was just being really honest, which personally, I kind of like. We all have unconscious bias. He's acknowledging his....

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  3. I first got to move with visually impaired friends when I got to the University. I learnt so much about my friends. Most people assume a disability means an inability. Till this day, I find myself explaining why visually impaired friends aren't different. You are an inspiration!!

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  4. Yeh. *sigh*. All people ever see is my weight. The sad part is...it's become my protection from the world :-/

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  5. I love this line "that looking different is a pretty good dickhead filter"!

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  6. No matter what you look like, online dating is a challenge... and men can be jerks. Thanks for telling your story. Nevertheless, I am 5'3, petite and blonde. What people don't know is that I'm fiercely independent and sassy. I tend to attract shallow or insecure assholes who can't handle me being a strong woman (it weeds them out VERY quickly)- I own my own house, have a career in marketing and manage a style blog. I like myself- who I am, not the person someone wants me to be.

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  7. I can identify with what you are saying but also agree with John James.
    The online dating world is cold for the majority of people. There are fifty shades of dickhead.

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  8. I definitely had to "overlook" something about Tyler when he asked me out which was the huge age difference. It was actually hard to get past that because I had to deal with all the rubbish in my head that I'd let society tell me about which people belong together. Maybe this guy is at the early and insensitive stages of coming to grips with those assumptions, he's learning that he doesn't believe them but doesn't quite have the experience or language to discard all the notions of what a person should be in order to be valuable?
    I'm not sure this is coming across well, but hopefully for him it's an opportunity to grow?
    And for you it's the opportunity to reinforce to the universe that you will accept no less than you deserve, someone who adores you for all of you and not in spite of their perceptions of normal.
    The right guy is out there but maybe he's just learning how to be good enough for all of your awesomeness or he's young and not on your radar yet ;)

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    1. Yep - my partner is 17 years older than me - when we first got together 20 years ago, I had to be patient and let her come to terms with the age-difference before she felt comfortable about her feelings for me... sometimes you need to let people work through stuff like this, because society sets up so many barriers to what is acceptable and what isn't...

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    2. Especially when it's the woman that is older or at least that's how it's seemed in my experience!

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  9. I've always felt funny about the word "tolerance", I find it used frequently when discussing things like people's beliefs or nationality. "Tolerance" gives the impression of an annoyance that you put up with for the sake of not causing a fuss. It's got that awful, holier than thou, noblesse oblige feeling about it. You're doing someone a favour by not outrightly ostracising them? Gimme a break. No, if you truly believe diversity is what makes the world an amazing, interesting place, difference is not to be tolerated, it is to be celebrated.

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  10. I agree with John James and i also think you should give this other guy another chance. Yeah, he should have worded things differently, but i think he sounds kinda sweet and not condescending at all. Good luck :)

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  11. Good call Carly. The baseline in dating should be don't tolerate anything from a date that you would not tolerate from a regular friend.

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    1. Excellent point, Anon, wish I'd appreciated that when I did the online thing.

      Carly, It might be good to write down what it is you want in a fella. Exactly what it is. I did that, a couple of years back. I smile when I read it now, thinking of my lovely fella.

      Keep it to yourself, but it is out there in the ether...you never know.

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  12. I am very late to comment but have just read your poignant, eloquent post (and website) and had to respond. Qualified compliments are horrible and I just wish people (and kids) would think first before uttering them. My motto in the classroom is - "Don't say it if the recipient won't feel good hearing it"... I understand why you'd want to dismiss this insensitive, condescending bloke outright, but I do think John James makes a good point :)

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  13. I am late to comment but have just seen your website and read your poignant, eloquent post and had to respond. I hate qualified compliments and just wish that people (adults and kids) would think twice before uttering them. My motto in the classroom is: "If that comment won't make the recipient feel good, then don't say it"... I understand why you're unimpressed by that condescending, insensitive bloke but I do think John James makes a good point :)

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  14. Was just a tad surprised at how this post turned out... feels like the taylor swift song of blog posts where the whole world knows about the break up? Seems the dude is "outed" in front of your blog world. That being said, I'm sorry that his choice of words was hurtful, or careless, thoughtless, or perpetuating of stereotypes. I hope you're OK.

    I've never done the online dating thing so no expert here but isn't it a given that until you've met in person you can't be sure that the words are true, accurate and honest? And if so, we all know that it is SO HARD to write the exact thing you are feeling especially when not blessed with the writing gift (as you are Carly). Written words are often missing the nuance, colour, tone, the opportunity to re-think or re-state one word or change the emphasis in a sentence. If you like everything about this guy but felt that those comments were a fumble, perhaps it's worth pursuing to find out more?

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  15. I agree with @johnjames . I don't think his guy meant to offend.Carly you are very honest about the challenges you face and dating sights are tricky when all you have are pictures and a few messages, as opposed to face to face conversations/flirtation.I just don't believe this guy sees you as a consolation or an act of bravery

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  16. Interesting. I think as human beings we are conditioned to think that appearance is and in some cases should be were attraction starts, I don't agree with this. Like you Carly I am a great believer that personality should always count when choosing a partner but I'm not naïve enough to pretend that the majority of people I meet or fall in love with will believe this the moment we meet.

    I think Internet dating is a tricky thing, people treat it like checking off a list e.g I want this, this and this in a prospective mate and if I can't get it I'll order something else off the menu. All you have to go on are a few pictures and a few lines about yourself to try and snare a date.

    You've said in previous posts that you are very honest on your profile and make sure to post pictures that are fully representative of who you are, most people are going to be curious and much more blunt then they would be in real life. Where he said "I was hesitant but since i've gotten to know you, you seem like a very nice person. I can see why some people would be turned away but not me.." Poor choice of words but I feel like he has basically said what you already know, and have voiced on your blog many times when it comes to internet dating. But it does suck that he started with that, but at the same time he didn't seem to want to offend, clearly he has not been blessed with tact. I guess people want to know how your condition would impact on their life or their life with you.

    Women of ethnic minorities are also having a hard time as well, apparently Internet dating brings out all the racists. Thought you might enjoy this article:

    www.theroot.com/buzz/todays-non-news-man-wont-date-black-women

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  17. When I read what the dating site guy had written, I thought, although not well said, he was really trying. Not for a second did I think he thought of himself as a hero or that he was condescending. Just a nervous online dating candidate trying to communicate with you. It is a shame what he has said is now here on your blog as you know he knows of this blog. I hope he doesn't read it. He was really trying.

    As someone with disabilities myself, I am only too aware of the implications of my own misconceptions. I think I missed many opportunities to connect with men simply because I had a wall up, thinking 'who would love me'. Turns out, someone could and does love me, but I gave him a hard time trying to convince me I wasn't just a charity case! And I was very lucky I didn't 't push him away, that I gave him a chance. He is my husband now.

    I hope you do find someone to give a chance, before judging them by their written words and blogging about it. Those initial words reaching out to someone on a dating site must be nerve wrecking to send. Give them a chance next time.

    Kate

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  18. Hello everyone
    Thank you all so much for your comments. I really love the mixed opinions and how none are disrespectful.
    Maybe I was too harsh on this guy, maybe I shouldn't have publicised it here, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to judge. But when you do look different, it's easy to read tome, as this sort of language/response is encountered quite frequently, in many forms.
    The guy has read this blog and has a greater understanding of how his behaviour could impact. We are going out next week.

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    1. You need to install Disqus so I can "like" comments Carly! :)

      I'm really glad he's read the post and that you guys are giving it a go... all the best! xx

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  19. I realy like that your giving him a go and you should think that he meant it in a nice way. I think he didn't mean any harm with his comments but was just being honest. I like that he's read your post and still willing to give it a go. :-)

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  20. Hey Carly... sorry, I shouldn't have been dismissive of your inbuilt bullsh*t radar... you have the experience of years behind you (thousands of years, you feel like an old soul...) and your perspective and intuition is what makes you who you are. At the very least I hope you have a new friend and who is more aware of the power of words. At the most... well, there is no most. Sky's the limit.

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  21. A guy once told me that when he first saw me naked my stretchmarks were a problem for him but he got over it because the rest of me was beautiful. I guess he was being honest but I once I knew that I could not get past it. I met my husband online six years ago and I don't think he has ever noticed my stretchmarks.. to him there is no 'rest of me', he thinks the whole of me is beautiful. That's the type of person I hope you find. So glad I found your blog through Maxabella. Your attitude to life and the universe is admirable.

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  22. Thanks for this post. I would never want to dismiss the depth of hurt that this man's comment caused you (though it seems unintentional). At the same time, as someone who is prone to "foot in mouth disease", even with the very best intentions, it is lovely to hear you are giving this man a second chance.

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  23. He sounds pretty 'ugly' on the inside to me. You're a star. The right person will see this. x

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  24. Remember we all bring some form of imperfection to a relationship but it is in the larger picture we find the goodness that helps us to improve in each other those traits. I'm glad you are taking the chance as this man seems like his big picture might not be so bad. Go into the meeting with a clean slate and see what picture emerges. Above all be yourself as you do well, laugh and have fun
    www.travellingmacs.wordpress.com

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  25. No, people do not have a filter between their pea brains and their mouths. Mind you, these days it seems to be completely acceptable to talk about someone's appearance openly and critically, hence this guy's lack of awareness of the hurt he was causing. It's concerning that everyone thinks they're going to date a model and if they're not they are somehow big for 'seeing beyond' appearance.

    All those xxxx's and oooo's would have had me running for the hills anyway... x

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