tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post5900242964132770066..comments2024-01-16T01:42:41.699+11:00Comments on Tune into Radio Carly: I don't want to be someone's heroic choice or the person they were too afraid of getting to know.Carly Findlayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01368145710452826385noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-8373435572412002392013-10-22T11:41:27.177+11:002013-10-22T11:41:27.177+11:00No, people do not have a filter between their pea ...No, people do not have a filter between their pea brains and their mouths. Mind you, these days it seems to be completely acceptable to talk about someone's appearance openly and critically, hence this guy's lack of awareness of the hurt he was causing. It's concerning that everyone thinks they're going to date a model and if they're not they are somehow big for 'seeing beyond' appearance. <br /><br />All those xxxx's and oooo's would have had me running for the hills anyway... xMaxabellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15761220164069379437noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-42738806572341488162013-10-21T12:57:27.638+11:002013-10-21T12:57:27.638+11:00Yeah I sort of thought the guy was just being real...Yeah I sort of thought the guy was just being really honest, which personally, I kind of like. We all have unconscious bias. He's acknowledging his....Lynnetehttp://www.beyondthemap.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-29631751204152683352013-10-20T00:08:48.813+11:002013-10-20T00:08:48.813+11:00Remember we all bring some form of imperfection t...Remember we all bring some form of imperfection to a relationship but it is in the larger picture we find the goodness that helps us to improve in each other those traits. I'm glad you are taking the chance as this man seems like his big picture might not be so bad. Go into the meeting with a clean slate and see what picture emerges. Above all be yourself as you do well, laugh and have fun <br />www.travellingmacs.wordpress.comKerry-Annehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11670710148877916571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-82877230143840576612013-10-19T22:36:38.446+11:002013-10-19T22:36:38.446+11:00He sounds pretty 'ugly' on the inside to m...He sounds pretty 'ugly' on the inside to me. You're a star. The right person will see this. xHousewife in Heelshttp://www.housewifeinheels.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-10022802425723884132013-10-18T14:42:07.384+11:002013-10-18T14:42:07.384+11:00Thanks for this post. I would never want to dismis...Thanks for this post. I would never want to dismiss the depth of hurt that this man's comment caused you (though it seems unintentional). At the same time, as someone who is prone to "foot in mouth disease", even with the very best intentions, it is lovely to hear you are giving this man a second chance.Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11079013668348426944noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-9572693194568690842013-10-18T13:51:26.520+11:002013-10-18T13:51:26.520+11:00A guy once told me that when he first saw me naked...A guy once told me that when he first saw me naked my stretchmarks were a problem for him but he got over it because the rest of me was beautiful. I guess he was being honest but I once I knew that I could not get past it. I met my husband online six years ago and I don't think he has ever noticed my stretchmarks.. to him there is no 'rest of me', he thinks the whole of me is beautiful. That's the type of person I hope you find. So glad I found your blog through Maxabella. Your attitude to life and the universe is admirable.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14839024984118135715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-59284990105217542062013-10-17T23:36:49.925+11:002013-10-17T23:36:49.925+11:00Hey Carly... sorry, I shouldn't have been dism...Hey Carly... sorry, I shouldn't have been dismissive of your inbuilt bullsh*t radar... you have the experience of years behind you (thousands of years, you feel like an old soul...) and your perspective and intuition is what makes you who you are. At the very least I hope you have a new friend and who is more aware of the power of words. At the most... well, there is no most. Sky's the limit.FunMumx3noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-564088541377252502013-10-17T22:21:17.210+11:002013-10-17T22:21:17.210+11:00I realy like that your giving him a go and you sho...I realy like that your giving him a go and you should think that he meant it in a nice way. I think he didn't mean any harm with his comments but was just being honest. I like that he's read your post and still willing to give it a go. :-)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-87275741274584572542013-10-17T09:29:39.973+11:002013-10-17T09:29:39.973+11:00You need to install Disqus so I can "like&quo...You need to install Disqus so I can "like" comments Carly! :)<br /><br />I'm really glad he's read the post and that you guys are giving it a go... all the best! xxAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-12350644400311925952013-10-17T07:21:40.035+11:002013-10-17T07:21:40.035+11:00Hello everyone
Thank you all so much for your com...Hello everyone <br />Thank you all so much for your comments. I really love the mixed opinions and how none are disrespectful. <br />Maybe I was too harsh on this guy, maybe I shouldn't have publicised it here, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to judge. But when you do look different, it's easy to read tome, as this sort of language/response is encountered quite frequently, in many forms. <br />The guy has read this blog and has a greater understanding of how his behaviour could impact. We are going out next week. Carly Findlayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01368145710452826385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-78221020645407150322013-10-16T19:49:21.634+11:002013-10-16T19:49:21.634+11:00When I read what the dating site guy had written, ...When I read what the dating site guy had written, I thought, although not well said, he was really trying. Not for a second did I think he thought of himself as a hero or that he was condescending. Just a nervous online dating candidate trying to communicate with you. It is a shame what he has said is now here on your blog as you know he knows of this blog. I hope he doesn't read it. He was really trying.<br /><br />As someone with disabilities myself, I am only too aware of the implications of my own misconceptions. I think I missed many opportunities to connect with men simply because I had a wall up, thinking 'who would love me'. Turns out, someone could and does love me, but I gave him a hard time trying to convince me I wasn't just a charity case! And I was very lucky I didn't 't push him away, that I gave him a chance. He is my husband now.<br /><br />I hope you do find someone to give a chance, before judging them by their written words and blogging about it. Those initial words reaching out to someone on a dating site must be nerve wrecking to send. Give them a chance next time.<br /><br />KateAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-10958553155596944452013-10-16T11:09:57.939+11:002013-10-16T11:09:57.939+11:00Interesting. I think as human beings we are condit...Interesting. I think as human beings we are conditioned to think that appearance is and in some cases should be were attraction starts, I don't agree with this. Like you Carly I am a great believer that personality should always count when choosing a partner but I'm not naïve enough to pretend that the majority of people I meet or fall in love with will believe this the moment we meet.<br /><br />I think Internet dating is a tricky thing, people treat it like checking off a list e.g I want this, this and this in a prospective mate and if I can't get it I'll order something else off the menu. All you have to go on are a few pictures and a few lines about yourself to try and snare a date.<br /><br />You've said in previous posts that you are very honest on your profile and make sure to post pictures that are fully representative of who you are, most people are going to be curious and much more blunt then they would be in real life. Where he said "I was hesitant but since i've gotten to know you, you seem like a very nice person. I can see why some people would be turned away but not me.." Poor choice of words but I feel like he has basically said what you already know, and have voiced on your blog many times when it comes to internet dating. But it does suck that he started with that, but at the same time he didn't seem to want to offend, clearly he has not been blessed with tact. I guess people want to know how your condition would impact on their life or their life with you.<br /><br />Women of ethnic minorities are also having a hard time as well, apparently Internet dating brings out all the racists. Thought you might enjoy this article: <br /><br /> www.theroot.com/buzz/todays-non-news-man-wont-date-black-womenAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-56983126643673601852013-10-16T03:15:32.135+11:002013-10-16T03:15:32.135+11:00I agree with @johnjames . I don't think his gu...I agree with @johnjames . I don't think his guy meant to offend.Carly you are very honest about the challenges you face and dating sights are tricky when all you have are pictures and a few messages, as opposed to face to face conversations/flirtation.I just don't believe this guy sees you as a consolation or an act of braveryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-20894558263672310422013-10-16T00:14:02.042+11:002013-10-16T00:14:02.042+11:00Was just a tad surprised at how this post turned o...Was just a tad surprised at how this post turned out... feels like the taylor swift song of blog posts where the whole world knows about the break up? Seems the dude is "outed" in front of your blog world. That being said, I'm sorry that his choice of words was hurtful, or careless, thoughtless, or perpetuating of stereotypes. I hope you're OK.<br /><br />I've never done the online dating thing so no expert here but isn't it a given that until you've met in person you can't be sure that the words are true, accurate and honest? And if so, we all know that it is SO HARD to write the exact thing you are feeling especially when not blessed with the writing gift (as you are Carly). Written words are often missing the nuance, colour, tone, the opportunity to re-think or re-state one word or change the emphasis in a sentence. If you like everything about this guy but felt that those comments were a fumble, perhaps it's worth pursuing to find out more?FunMumx3noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-6384629733384148792013-10-15T09:39:41.741+11:002013-10-15T09:39:41.741+11:00I am late to comment but have just seen your websi...I am late to comment but have just seen your website and read your poignant, eloquent post and had to respond. I hate qualified compliments and just wish that people (adults and kids) would think twice before uttering them. My motto in the classroom is: "If that comment won't make the recipient feel good, then don't say it"... I understand why you're unimpressed by that condescending, insensitive bloke but I do think John James makes a good point :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10485336856648562197noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-5026762435236218262013-10-15T09:35:16.886+11:002013-10-15T09:35:16.886+11:00I am very late to comment but have just read your ...I am very late to comment but have just read your poignant, eloquent post (and website) and had to respond. Qualified compliments are horrible and I just wish people (and kids) would think first before uttering them. My motto in the classroom is - "Don't say it if the recipient won't feel good hearing it"... I understand why you'd want to dismiss this insensitive, condescending bloke outright, but I do think John James makes a good point :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10485336856648562197noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-32100921740781670262013-10-14T22:21:41.951+11:002013-10-14T22:21:41.951+11:00Excellent point, Anon, wish I'd appreciated th...Excellent point, Anon, wish I'd appreciated that when I did the online thing.<br /><br />Carly, It might be good to write down what it is you want in a fella. Exactly what it is. I did that, a couple of years back. I smile when I read it now, thinking of my lovely fella.<br /><br />Keep it to yourself, but it is out there in the ether...you never know.cilosophyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10733313024890630138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-91929328734615840292013-10-14T21:31:32.945+11:002013-10-14T21:31:32.945+11:00Good call Carly. The baseline in dating should be ...Good call Carly. The baseline in dating should be don't tolerate anything from a date that you would not tolerate from a regular friend. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-19095258855640823632013-10-14T20:04:14.308+11:002013-10-14T20:04:14.308+11:00Especially when it's the woman that is older o...Especially when it's the woman that is older or at least that's how it's seemed in my experience!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-26094823171804517612013-10-14T16:36:04.965+11:002013-10-14T16:36:04.965+11:00I agree with John James and i also think you shoul...I agree with John James and i also think you should give this other guy another chance. Yeah, he should have worded things differently, but i think he sounds kinda sweet and not condescending at all. Good luck :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-51207903366745777732013-10-14T16:06:10.413+11:002013-10-14T16:06:10.413+11:00Yep - my partner is 17 years older than me - when ...Yep - my partner is 17 years older than me - when we first got together 20 years ago, I had to be patient and let her come to terms with the age-difference before she felt comfortable about her feelings for me... sometimes you need to let people work through stuff like this, because society sets up so many barriers to what is acceptable and what isn't...John Jameshttp://johnanthonyjames.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-18703208434498996952013-10-14T14:48:24.685+11:002013-10-14T14:48:24.685+11:00I've always felt funny about the word "to...I've always felt funny about the word "tolerance", I find it used frequently when discussing things like people's beliefs or nationality. "Tolerance" gives the impression of an annoyance that you put up with for the sake of not causing a fuss. It's got that awful, holier than thou, noblesse oblige feeling about it. You're doing someone a favour by not outrightly ostracising them? Gimme a break. No, if you truly believe diversity is what makes the world an amazing, interesting place, difference is not to be tolerated, it is to be celebrated.Roninoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-28183276241332539092013-10-14T13:06:57.822+11:002013-10-14T13:06:57.822+11:00I definitely had to "overlook" something...I definitely had to "overlook" something about Tyler when he asked me out which was the huge age difference. It was actually hard to get past that because I had to deal with all the rubbish in my head that I'd let society tell me about which people belong together. Maybe this guy is at the early and insensitive stages of coming to grips with those assumptions, he's learning that he doesn't believe them but doesn't quite have the experience or language to discard all the notions of what a person should be in order to be valuable?<br />I'm not sure this is coming across well, but hopefully for him it's an opportunity to grow? <br />And for you it's the opportunity to reinforce to the universe that you will accept no less than you deserve, someone who adores you for all of you and not in spite of their perceptions of normal.<br />The right guy is out there but maybe he's just learning how to be good enough for all of your awesomeness or he's young and not on your radar yet ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-92223917370396589592013-10-14T12:27:47.238+11:002013-10-14T12:27:47.238+11:00I can identify with what you are saying but also a...I can identify with what you are saying but also agree with John James. <br />The online dating world is cold for the majority of people. There are fifty shades of dickhead. <br /><br />cilosophyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10733313024890630138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-59175756151574043712013-10-14T10:40:35.797+11:002013-10-14T10:40:35.797+11:00No matter what you look like, online dating is a c...No matter what you look like, online dating is a challenge... and men can be jerks. Thanks for telling your story. Nevertheless, I am 5'3, petite and blonde. What people don't know is that I'm fiercely independent and sassy. I tend to attract shallow or insecure assholes who can't handle me being a strong woman (it weeds them out VERY quickly)- I own my own house, have a career in marketing and manage a style blog. I like myself- who I am, not the person someone wants me to be.Kristin Fehrmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11351121396646413423noreply@blogger.com