07 December 2011

You live, you learn.


Walking back to the city with a friend after a rock concert, I saw him. Bumped into him in a dispersed but still strong crowd. What are the chances? It was our first meeting in four years. I wondered if he felt as awkward as I did. It felt strange to see the man I used to love after so long.

The last time I saw him was not a nice time. I left feeling very unwanted. The time before that was when we kissed.

We've talked a lot more in recent months. But I don't think of him so much nowadays. And I still doubt. I didn't notice the thoughts and feelings evaporate. They just went. They went without warning, probably the best way - no time for me to resist and hold on to pieces of nothing. The feelings that have passed certainly give me hope for my current situation.

We have had safety in distance for years now.That seems a common theme for me. And unrequited love despite something between us. Something. A spark. Not enough to start a fire. But I could easily be drawn in again. Easily. There's a danger in distance too.

That night, when my ears were buzzing from the noise of the concert, body pounding from the rush of the music, my heart jumped when I saw him. He looked good. As good as I remember him.

We made small talk. The band was great. He was drinking. I'm the local, so where is the nearest pub? Was there really just water in my cup?

And then my heart sank. I wondered if he sensed it. He disappointed me. Again. With no apology. No consequence. Again. Should I have expected anything different?

I realised things haven't changed, except in my life. This time, while I was still hurt and angry, it was not the same hurt and anger I felt when I loved him those 3-4-5 years ago. And that gives me hope.
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I still think of him. The recent him. The one I still love. I haven't heard from him recently. Not that I hear from him really, except a few 'likes' and that one confronting text message merely asking how I am, but his online presence has gone for for a while.

Maybe he's so happy he's not there - he no longer needs to be. Maybe he's so unhappy he's not here. I worry. I want to ask him 'are you ok?'.

I could call, text or email. But I don't. I don't ask. It is the most self control I've shown regarding him, ever.

If I do ask him I fear I'll care too much again. I'll care about a response, I'll care about not receiving a response.That responsibility feels too much of a burden for me to repeat.The heart breaks more than once. I've had enough breaks for now. My recent breaks are healing slowly but surely.
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It's the last day of my twenties today. The last day of the decade where I learnt so much. Things are easier to deal with when you've learnt from the past. Maybe this is what growing up feels like.

"I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone."
~ You Learn, Alanis Morissette


8 comments:

  1. I know someone who has never had her heart broken. Her first real relationship was it for her. Met at 18, married at 28 and they still are and probably always will be. She has never felt that loss. But you know what she said to me "I don't know if I will ever value my husband the way you will when you find the right person because I've never experienced the pain".

    I think she is right in a way. You grow so much from every major life experience and knowing that pain but still choosing to love another person is huge. Alanis Morissette is so right. I remember hearing that lyric after my heart had been broken the first time and realising how powerful and true it is.

    I think you know in yourself that the pain you are feeling now will fade in time. And you will be stronger for it. If I was you, I wouldn't call him. You want to do it for all the right reasons, but you have been there, you have offered everything before. Now you need to take care of you.

    But that is my perspective. You will know what is right for you. If it was a friend in the same situation, what would you tell them to do?

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  2. I am so happy that you feel you have learnt from your twenties and I hope having your heart broken helps you in some way.I had my heart broken 23 years ago when I found out two months before my wedding that my fiance was having an affair with my little sister.The pain is still there.I dont know what lesson I was supposed to learn from it.I have since married another and had a beautiful child but there is always that little part of me that can not heal no matter what.I wish I could erase the memory.I know everything happens for a reason and wish I knew what that reason was.Life goes on and I try not to let the past into my present but its not easy.
    I wish you a very Happy Birthday for tomorrow and my wish for you is that the hurt you have experienced doesnt follow you into your thirties but helps you and leads you to a wonderful and happy life.Big hug x

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  3. Isn't it nice when you can run into them and not walk away feeling like an emotional mess? good work on the self control.
    I love your blog by the way x

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  4. very poignant post, my lady. beautifully written. Cheers to thirty - what a full-on experience your twenties are, full of growth.
    Heidi xo

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  5. You'll love your 30s!

    I ran into my ex from 10 years ago last week. I was relieved I had had a baby and moved lightyears on emotionally.

    It was a bad breakup and then when I saw him he looked old and grey and I felt nothing. it was brilliant!

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  6. Carly,
    The 30s are amazing and well worth the effort :-P

    I agree with the wise FF. There will come a point in the future when you will bump into the one who was and now isn't - and you will feel liberated.

    I promise.

    SSG xxx

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  7. Fantastic bloody post. Sorry I'm so slack when it comes to reading and commenting. I hope you had a wonderful birthday Carles. I truly believe these are fantastic years. You will get the relationship you deserve - don't compromise. Love Ya. Bern

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  8. Hi sweety:)

    Nice to see you again....
    Hope everything is well....?

    Have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete

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