“I am famous for my generosity
They say I am the kindest
But it is easier to
Give than receive love”~ Darkness, Darren Hayes
“You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same...I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you”
~ The Lover After Me, Savage Garden
I wrote most of this on Tuesday. I still feel the same. Maybe worse. I wish I didn't feel so much. I wish I didn't love so much. So much sadness. So many tears. Violent crying. I don't do things to receive return gestures. I wish nothing but happiness. But I wish I could make him happy. I am so angry at myself. And then I go get all fucking Tumblr/Darren Hayes lyric, and realise I might be feeling just like every other emo teen half my age. I am never more dramatic than when my heart is in pain. I have been drinking on an empty stomach. Blogging under the influence.
I knew I shouldn't fall again. I told myself I wouldn't. I told my friends. Unconvincing. Even though my love had changed, I still fell. Hard. Like the first time. And I kept thinking, what's the future, what's in it for me? Everything and nothing. I knew the outcome.
And yet I couldn't help it. I loved the ideal created by our words. I love this new him. The distance created an immense closeness. There's a danger in distance. We know each other in the form of pixels and data transfer and 3G. Flesh and touch and expression was fleeting. It was all an ideal. I can't make someone love me.
There should have been a sign and roadblocks. Slow down. Danger. Heartbreak ahead.
And when my heart broke the second time, a blow by far gentler words than the first time, I wondered why this pain felt worse.
Today I burnt my hand. It was a steam and hot food burn. I had to go to hospital - the second time today.
I cried so much. My hand hurt from the burn and my heart hurt from the break. Sometimes one pain cancels out the other. Not today.
I haven't lost much in the scheme of things. But I've lost the routine. The hope. The permission to love him. And being needed. The loss I feared so much.
I've never fallen for someone twice before, until now. I don't want to again. I am scared to give so much of myself to someone else. What hurts more: getting your heart broken, or still loving someone, even though you know they don't want you anymore?