We all have wings but some of us don't know why

I am not a religious person, but thanks to some strong support from great friends, and a spiritual analogy, I did some thinking, and I've come to this:

For a while there it felt like it was too big to be a part of. I felt out of my depth in a big adult world. I had some lyrics from a yet to be released Darren Hayes song in my head - “I want to run away from this, but I won't leave a sinking ship”. I wanted to run away at times, but I didn't. I am not that type of person. For a little while I became very important to someone.

I've now gone from being very important to someone, to nothing. Intense, regular contact to nothing. No more text or email alerts. Nothing. Now I feel broken and heavy hearted, and a keeper of dark secrets. I wondered whether it was healthy having so much contact and being so open with each other, when it was always in the back of my mind that one day he wouldn't need me anymore. That day came. And I am devastated. Heartbroken.

For the past two and a bit weeks, I've been so sad. And angry. Fragile. Like a second choice. Left wondering. Feeling used. Worthless. Replaced. I struggle to believe my feelings are valid, because I don't think I've lost anything tangible. What was between us is so hard to define. I guess we both made each other feel good. 

When I am alone it hurts. When I am with people, doing important things at work, my mind wanders to places it shouldn't. My eyes regularly well with tears and my head throbs on the verge of crying. I've questioned my usual fierce independence, wondering if I too have some sort of dependency disorder.

I go to sleep, so tired with unexplained grief foreign to me until now, hoping that when I wake I won't think of him as much as the day before. And then I wake up, body heavy, and my everything is sad, knowing that I'm not on his mind anymore.

I gave so much of myself, and I don't know if I can ever do that again. While just loving him was enough for me, and wishing him happiness, it really hurts when it's at the cost of my own happiness.

I've thought for hours, cried so much, and come to no conclusion. I don't feel like I deserve to feel like this when I was just being a good person. The comfort I have found has come through some surprising spiritual enlightenment.

My Mum told me I can be proud that I helped to save a life. My friend told me I played such an important role in helping to get his life back on track. “Maybe that's why you came to know each other”, she said. “and as hard as it is for you, perhaps that's what you're relationship with him was - you're like an angel that came into his life just at the right time”.

Maybe he came into my life for a reason too. It's been complicated from the start. But knowing him has taught me about human suffering. Reaffirmed my own values. And shown me what loving someone unconditionally feels like. 

And maybe that is what I was. Some sort of angel. If it can make me see some positivity in all of this sadness, just for a few minutes a day, then maybe I'll believe the angel analogy.

“I got nothing’ darling

All I’ve got are broken wings

A little love means everything”

~ Hand Me Downs - Bob Evans

Post script - I saw this poem online, I think it relates to the situation very well.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.