28 September 2011

'Does your disability stop you from sucking c-ck?' and other online dating disasters

This post contains many instances of the word fuck. And cock too. They're not my words, only quotes. If this sort of language offends you, don't read on. But I suggest you do for a laugh and a cringe.

We no longer have to audition for a reality TV show to be rejected, ridiculed and harassed. We can get the experience using an online dating site. Who knew this sort of humiliation and superficiality would come so easily?

So I reinstated my online dating profile. As a friend told me, the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone. Or on top. Whatever you prefer. I signed up to a free site - hell, it's well and truly justified why I won't pay for this experience. Maybe that's what I am doing wrong. Maybe I should pay for better members?

I'll say this up front. I haven't actually been on any dates. I nearly had one. We texted for two weeks. He was nice. And then nothing. With most of them, I just can't seem to get past their ridiculous online nature.

In the online dating world, words have double meanings. Fun means sex. Looking after yourself means slim and probably hair free. Easy going means lazy. Laid back means apathetic. And accepting usually means they're not. And people are VERY bad spellers.

I have stated that I have a disability on my profile. I have used my picture. Not photoshopped. The real me. This often results in instant rejection. I am not their type. But it's usually when I manage to be 'accepted' by another member that the problems arise.

Here is my profile

Never judge a book by its cover. Or a girl by her disability. If you take the time to get to know me, you will find out I am one of the most fabulous, fun and interesting people you will ever meet. I am a stylish, kind hearted and outgoing writer and TV presenter seeking friendship, romance and love.

I am a friendly, outgoing woman living in Melbourne and enjoy good food, cooking, comedy, seeing live bands, movies and fashion. I love to write - I keep a blog where I review concerts and restaurants.

I work full time as an events planner, and am a freelance writer and community TV presenter on the side. I am passionate about making a difference in the disability community.

I am very happy in life and am seeking that special someone to share it with. I am not your average girl.

Just by the by - I saw and avoided two members who had interesting profiles. One wrote "Are you retarded because you look pretty special to me?'. And  another was called 'Gspotstimulator'. Classy.

While I have managed to filter through some nasties to chat to some quite nice men (usually the more alternative types), the majority have just been weird. The ones that initially seem ok often are socially inept, isolated or unemployed. And the confident ones...wow.

I have  had two members tell me they want to marry me. They don't want a girlfriend. Just want a wife.

And the rudeness. Wow. I am astounded. It's like the site gives people permission to behave like complete pricks. Of course, they are thinking with their penis. And so all manners are left in the 'real world'. If these men were saying the things they do online in the 'real world', they'd be up for sexual harassment, or perhaps assault. It is appalling. And sometimes laughable. Men are throwing myself at me. Not in a good way. None are my Prince charming.

Most members are just after sex. Or 'fun'. And so this desire gives them licence to ask whether I masturbate, whether they are the hottest man I've ever seen, whether they can show me themselves on webcam ("you make me sad :(" when I said no.), whether they can meet me between 7-9 to discuss sex or marriage, and whether my disability still means I can suck cock. Yep. All true stories. And yes, I have deleted and blocked all of those members.

The conversation that takes the cake was this one. A rather cute guy said he liked my profile. Good start, I thought.

I told him what I do. My day job. That I am a writer and a TV presenter. He said, probably ignoring what I told him, "are you interested in meeting up for some sex?". No. 

Then he said "I may want a relationship in the future, but for starters, I just wanna fuck you".

Wow. Flattering. Forward. Gross.

He asked me what I did again. I told him again. A writer and a TV presenter.

"Now I really wanna fuck u" he said. "I have never fucked a TV presenter before. That would be fucken mad as".


And then he asked for my number, and said "I have seriously never fucked anyone famous".

Charmer.  Be still my beating heart.

Share your online dating horror stories with me. 


  1. Horrifying. I actually find it hard to believe that this is all true (of course I know it is, but, wow)... What makes people think it is ok to say these things to people?! It isn't!!
    Heidi xo

  2. Oh

    You're a stronger woman than I am. I'd feel so disheartened being treated like meat like that. Um hello, women are more than just a 'moist hole'!

    So sorry to hear you've copped such comments. Fingers crossed there's some descent blokes around the corner for you, Carly x

  3. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaaaa that is hilarious and horrifying at the same time!!!!

    My cousin met her husband on RSVP, so there are happy stories. Mind you she had to endure some very, very interesting dates to find him.

    I hope a gorgeous man sweeps you off your feet Carly.


  4. sadly, men in cyber world or the 'real world' act like we are just possessions STILL... from lisa... p.s. but i thoroughly enjoyed your blog...

  5. Wow, frickin scary stuff.

    I've 'dabbled' in the world of online dating, and nothing good has come of it. Most men try to cope with my heart problems, but in the end are scared off by them. It's always disappointing.

    I've never encountered those kinds of responses though - those blokes are rather rude!

    Great post though - highly entertaining and amusing! ( :

  6. Wow, what an amazing read. I totally agree that if you were in a face-to-face scenario it would constitute harrassment. Frightening to think how many f-heads there are out there.

    Because you have been so honest I will be too...I found my soon-to-be husband online. It's true! I dated some total shitheads (god I was naive) and quickly realised what 'fun' means. The rudeness is astounding - I had one guy tell me that my hair looked like I had been run over by a lawnmower and then kept contacting me for a date - what a douche!

    I only hope after you have finished picking through the inevitable trash just the right person will come out of the blue. Good luck, you're a catch!


  7. Are you allowed to write 'No dipshit, ego driven assholes need not apply' on your profile or would half of those men find that to just be a challenge?

    Seriously, there are better men out there on dating sites. "Got to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince"

  8. Horrendous stories Carly, but I have so much respect for you for being so out there about your disability on what is such a shallow and cutthroat site (I recognise the app in the screenshots)

    I have some horror stories of my own here.http://fully-fashioned.blogspot.com/2010/08/digital-love-affair-we-just-didnt-click.html


  9. Oh this made me laugh, cringe and sit open mouthed in wonder. People actually fucking say this kind of thing?

    Keep on keeping on and I like whoever that friend is that said the best way to get over someone is under someone. Perfect. Should be a bumper sticker xx

  10. Every once in a while I think about going back to online dating...and then I remember experiences like yours and run away from it screaming. The lack of normal social graces online just makes me want to puke.

  11. Wow, I can't believe some of those comments! Stunning. I've done online dating and had fairly good success with it. Yes, NO ONE can spell (what's up with that, seriously?), but I only strike up conversation with someone who has taken the time to fill out their profile and who seems like they're looking for something serious (in my age range, it seems a lot of men are).

    I've heard such mixed things about online dating. I think the site itself matters a lot. A free site is going to attract the wierdos. I paid site will attract people who are serious about finding someone (and who have a job).

    Good for you for putting yourself out there. Good luck!

  12. Dear god. To be honest this doesn't surprise me though bc I had the same experience on online sites for a long time! There really are a lot of guys on there just looking for sex, or that have no social skills. I had so many messages just looking for "fun" and went out with a bunch of guys like that. A bunch I thought were actually going somewhere just fell off the face of the earth one day, never called me again. It really sucks dude, but hang in there! I met my current bf on a dating site and we have been together almost a year - he's a gem. Sometimes it takes time - it did for me - but don't give up on it right away, you never know when someone is going to come along!

  13. Oh my freakin' god! This is hilarious and disturbing stuff!

    I have been single for a few years now and friends are often trying to get me to start online dating. This has confirmed my stance that it is totally not for me.

    Yikes! I think I'll just get a cat instead!

  14. Hi Carly, I've come across your blog after your recent post on Mamamia. Loved this post about online dating. Soooo true about the guys.... My view is that there are many more intelligent, fun and genuinely decent single women in their 20s/30s out there than there are men of a similar calibre... unfortunately....

  15. OMG the online dating world. Yes, I have been there and had those experiences. I did meet some really nice guys, but the tossers out there are amazing! Of the many things that have made me cringe these are some of the best lines I remember:

    "I guess you have potential"
    "I need to see a picture of your body before we can meet"
    "I don't talk on the phone or email first, you just have to meet me to get me"

    Oh that world opened up my eyes to just how many creepy people there are out there.

  16. Lol I can so relate to this! I suffered through some 'interesting' guys before meeting my current boyfriend online. My personal faves are the guy who was so high he could barely string a sentence together and the guy who tracked me down IN PERSON after I repeatedly declined his friend requests. I pretty much gave up on meeting anyone normal on the site but stuck around cos I got some hilarious stories out of it. And then I met my bf, it is probably the most normal, non-angsty, know where I stand relationship I've ever had. Thanks Oasis!

  17. Online dating sucks.Tried it once will NEVER try it again.

    On a side note:Please don't take offence Carly but I have to say that for someone who writes a lot and always goes on about spelling and Grammar,your punctuation (ie.overuse or under use of full stops and commas) is hit and miss and there are always a few spelling mistakes e.g 'Isolatated'.

    All things aside,I do enjoy your blog.It always gives me something to think about.


  18. Oh my gosh, some people are scumbags. I can't believe some of the crazy, horrible things that people say.

  19. I cannot believe how unbelievable rude some people are!!! That said, seems the sites you pay for can have nicer/more serious people.

    Have you considered speed dating? You can instantly eliminate the psychos/stalkers/perverts and you might meet someone great (I met my current man at speed dating so I'm something of a convert - unfortunately, I nearly ran out before meeting him when one of the other guys joked about chopping up his dates in the boot of his car ... at least, I hope he was joking ...)

  20. Unfortunately these kinds of losers are everywhere... online dating, nightclubs, pubs, you name it. But there are nice ones too amongst these idiots it just takes time and patience to find them. Or at least this is what I'm hoping lol

  21. Off topic, I was searching for a picture of someone wearing a particular mimco necklace and when I went to google image, literally 90% of the images are of you!

    Made me smile.

  22. Somehow, I missed this post in my feed. Jeebus, the things we go through to find love.
    I'm not into online dating (at this point) and after *severely* dysfunctional, ill-advised relationships based on physical attraction rather than character or compatibility, right up to two years ago, I made a conscious decision to be single until I sort myself out. Am still sorting myself out. I shudder to think what awaits me when I "get back on the market" so to speak. I'm kind of learning about the online dating world from you and wow, is it off-putting.
    Having said that, I have heard some good stories about sites like e-Harmony that match on personality, values, etc. I'm not sure if that's who you're going with at the moment. If not maybe give it a try. Good luck.

  23. There was the guy who asked me over our first coffee if I liked golden showers. Sweet!

  24. Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.

  25. Wow Carly, what idiots you have stumbled across! And I can just picture them thinking they are all that! Lol at some of the stories you shared - you were right about it making good blog fodder. You can only hope there's a decent guy just like you on the site, wading through the bullshit, making his way to you :)

  26. Haha, Carly, you've turned some awful situations into a hilarious blog post. I applaud you!

  27. A recent one before I met my current boyfriend : I'll buy you anything you want for dinner if you'll suck my c--k first, charming.

  28. I can see how most of this would be offensive, but how is wanting marriage/commitment offensive? I don't get that at all.

    1. Because they were so up front, saying they wanted marriage without even going on a date.

      Wanting marriage is not offensive at all. But being so up front about it, not taking the time to get to know someone, that is quite overwhelming.


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