'Does your disability stop you from sucking c-ck?' and other online dating disasters

This post contains many instances of the word fuck. And cock too. They're not my words, only quotes. If this sort of language offends you, don't read on. But I suggest you do for a laugh and a cringe.

We no longer have to audition for a reality TV show to be rejected, ridiculed and harassed. We can get the experience using an online dating site. Who knew this sort of humiliation and superficiality would come so easily?

So I reinstated my online dating profile. As a friend told me, the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone. Or on top. Whatever you prefer. I signed up to a free site - hell, it's well and truly justified why I won't pay for this experience. Maybe that's what I am doing wrong. Maybe I should pay for better members?

I'll say this up front. I haven't actually been on any dates. I nearly had one. We texted for two weeks. He was nice. And then nothing. With most of them, I just can't seem to get past their ridiculous online nature.

In the online dating world, words have double meanings. Fun means sex. Looking after yourself means slim and probably hair free. Easy going means lazy. Laid back means apathetic. And accepting usually means they're not. And people are VERY bad spellers.

I have stated that I have a disability on my profile. I have used my picture. Not photoshopped. The real me. This often results in instant rejection. I am not their type. But it's usually when I manage to be 'accepted' by another member that the problems arise.

Here is my profile

Never judge a book by its cover. Or a girl by her disability. If you take the time to get to know me, you will find out I am one of the most fabulous, fun and interesting people you will ever meet. I am a stylish, kind hearted and outgoing writer and TV presenter seeking friendship, romance and love.

I am a friendly, outgoing woman living in Melbourne and enjoy good food, cooking, comedy, seeing live bands, movies and fashion. I love to write - I keep a blog where I review concerts and restaurants.

I work full time as an events planner, and am a freelance writer and community TV presenter on the side. I am passionate about making a difference in the disability community.

I am very happy in life and am seeking that special someone to share it with. I am not your average girl.

Just by the by - I saw and avoided two members who had interesting profiles. One wrote "Are you retarded because you look pretty special to me?'. And  another was called 'Gspotstimulator'. Classy.

While I have managed to filter through some nasties to chat to some quite nice men (usually the more alternative types), the majority have just been weird. The ones that initially seem ok often are socially inept, isolated or unemployed. And the confident ones...wow.

I have  had two members tell me they want to marry me. They don't want a girlfriend. Just want a wife.

And the rudeness. Wow. I am astounded. It's like the site gives people permission to behave like complete pricks. Of course, they are thinking with their penis. And so all manners are left in the 'real world'. If these men were saying the things they do online in the 'real world', they'd be up for sexual harassment, or perhaps assault. It is appalling. And sometimes laughable. Men are throwing myself at me. Not in a good way. None are my Prince charming.

Most members are just after sex. Or 'fun'. And so this desire gives them licence to ask whether I masturbate, whether they are the hottest man I've ever seen, whether they can show me themselves on webcam ("you make me sad :(" when I said no.), whether they can meet me between 7-9 to discuss sex or marriage, and whether my disability still means I can suck cock. Yep. All true stories. And yes, I have deleted and blocked all of those members.

The conversation that takes the cake was this one. A rather cute guy said he liked my profile. Good start, I thought.

I told him what I do. My day job. That I am a writer and a TV presenter. He said, probably ignoring what I told him, "are you interested in meeting up for some sex?". No. 

Then he said "I may want a relationship in the future, but for starters, I just wanna fuck you".

Wow. Flattering. Forward. Gross.

He asked me what I did again. I told him again. A writer and a TV presenter.

"Now I really wanna fuck u" he said. "I have never fucked a TV presenter before. That would be fucken mad as".

OMG.

And then he asked for my number, and said "I have seriously never fucked anyone famous".

Charmer.  Be still my beating heart.

Share your online dating horror stories with me.