02 September 2011

The second fall. The second break

“I am famous for my generosity
They say I am the kindest
But it is easier to
Give than receive love”
~ Darkness, Darren Hayes

“You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same...
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you”
~ The Lover After Me, Savage Garden

I wrote most of this on Tuesday. I still feel the same. Maybe worse. I wish I didn't feel so much. I wish I didn't love so much. So much sadness. So many tears. Violent crying. I don't do things to receive return gestures. I wish nothing but happiness. But I wish I could make him happy. I am so angry at myself. And then I go get all fucking Tumblr/Darren Hayes lyric, and realise I might be feeling just like every other emo teen half my age. I am never more dramatic than when my heart is in pain. I have been drinking on an empty stomach. Blogging under the influence.
I knew I shouldn't fall again. I told myself I wouldn't. I told my friends. Unconvincing. Even though my love had changed, I still fell. Hard. Like the first time. And I kept thinking, what's the future, what's in it for me? Everything and nothing. I knew the outcome.
And yet I couldn't help it. I loved the ideal created by our words. I love this new him. The distance created an immense closeness. There's a danger in distance. We know each other in the form of pixels and data transfer and 3G. Flesh and touch and expression was fleeting. It was all an ideal. I can't make someone love me.
There should have been a sign and roadblocks. Slow down. Danger. Heartbreak ahead.
There probably was. But I didn't see. I was too worried if he was ok. Rather than worrying if  I was ok. And I'm not. Not ok. I hate being so invested in this.
And when my heart broke the second time, a blow by far gentler words than the first time, I wondered why this pain felt worse.
Today I burnt my hand. It was a steam and hot food burn. I had to go to hospital - the second time today.
I cried so much. My hand hurt from the burn and my heart hurt from the break. Sometimes one pain cancels out the other. Not today.
I haven't lost much in the scheme of things. But I've lost the routine. The hope. The permission to love him. And being needed. The loss I feared so much.
I've never fallen for someone twice before, until now. I don't want to again. I am scared to give so much of myself to someone else. What hurts more: getting your heart broken, or still loving someone, even though you know they don't want you anymore?


  1. Heart break is the worst. I have no advice. You will meet someone else. You will. You probably won't/don't believe me. But really, you will.

  2. Carly, you will met someone who is right for you one day. It may be someone else who has earned their stripes too. I think people who have faced genuine hardship in their lives are a special type. Be kind to yourself. Don't stop believing in yourself and your right for happiness. xxxx

  3. I don't feel qualified to give you advice, Carly. I will only say this - you are loved, by all of us here. I know it's not the same, but maybe for now it can soften the fall...

  4. I know how you feel. I do. I was in love and the man decided...we were just too different. Wanted to many different things. So there it was. But on facebook I could still see him. Still follow his posts. Still see his pictures. Still see that he was single and searching. Still wishing that search would have ended with me. And then one day I logged on and ... he had defriended me. The final sign that it's over. At least these days. He no longer wants me to see what he's up to and he doesn't care what I'm up to. And it hurt because he said he loved me. Maybe he defriended me as a favor. So I could get over him. still hurts.

  5. There is no pain worse than heartbreak. I've been there, had my heart stamped on, even though he still owned mine. All I can say, in hindsight is a saying I read once "no man is worth your tears, but the one who is wont make you cry" xxx

  6. Oh Carly. Should I send tissues? Chocolate?
    Virtual hugs don't seem enough.

  7. Carly I am so sorry you had to go through this!! What pain you are in, it breaks my heart. Sending you strength and hope for the future. Healthy and happy and without this hurt, and with all the love in the world. I am so sorry, my friend.
    Heidi xo

  8. I hope your hand is okay, and I hope your heart will heal soon. I think the quote Donna mentioned is one to print off and keep close - it's absolutely true x

  9. I wish I had something just 'right' to say, to help. I don't. I just know you're on my mind a lot. You and your beautiful soul didn't take long to weave their way under my skin and into my heart. I think one day that's how it's going to happen for you and someone else. They're going to really see you. The you we all see. And simply find themselves with you under their skin.

    It's how it happened for Joel and I. Falling in love wasn't our plan. We were happy the way we were. I was shocked. I resisted it. I was an idiot. He was way smarter than me.

    The one you're in love with now. He doesn't deserve you. And while you know that, I"m sure, intellectually, I know that will take time for your heart to believe. In the meantime,write through it.


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