Music I've been missing - You Am I, Heavy Heart

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone I love.

My family.
My friends.
My colleagues,
The handful of celebrities I adore.
My (sometimes unrequited) loves, past and present. 

(source)

Valentine's Day isn't my thing. But I'm sure it would be if I was coupled up.

I think it's over commercialised. All cutesy animals, bears, hearts, and errr, sex toys. But I would of course gush at the act of a bunch of flowers and a giant bear being delivered to me.

I have often used Valentine's Day to tell those who I love my feelings. I guess it seems like an appropriate day to do so. I've given a few cards to two or three boys. And I once gave a pink elephant and a card with the message 'you have a beautiful smile' and my phone number to someone I worked with. The stockroom boys found out it was my number, teased me by calling me Mrs Hisname, and then when my Valentine recipient finally thanked me for the card and told me how honoured he was and brave I was, I ran to the toilet and squealed like a girl.

I have also waited outside Savage Garden's hotel for eight hours on Valentine's Day 1998. I did not meet my dream, my wish or my fantasy that day.

The day after that, I received a large package in the mail from a boy I was penpalling with. He sent me a heart shaped box with a teddy bear inside. And a love letter sprayed with his Lynx deodorant. Romantic.

And that heart shaped box was the only Valentine's Day action I've received.

I did once receive flowers at work. The courier came in, asked if I was Carly, and placed a huge box of flowers on my desk. Everyone said 'ooooh' and I wondered who they were from. And then I looked at the card. It was addressed to Kylie. I got up and placed them on Kylie's desk - she sat next to me. Everyone said 'awww' to me and 'ooohed' at Kylie. Disappointment.

Today will be spent at work, and then with one of my best work friends in the audience of the filming of Adam Hills in Gordon Street Tonight - look out for it airing on ABC 1 this Wednesday. It will be just another day.

Of course I'll be thinking of the one I love - like I do every day. I have realised that even though you know you're both not suited to a relationship with each other, you can't help loving them. I never thought it'd come to this, and now that it has, it really sucks. I miss him a lot.

And here is my anti-Valentine's Day song, for me and everyone else who feels like me. You Am I - Heavy Heart. It's melancholy and heartfelt, and saves me from doing the drinking. It's the music I've been missing.

'Someone will come along one day'

It's been hard to title this blog. I want catchy, but I don't want pity (self pity, or your pity). I want honesty. I want it to reflect what this blog entry is about. Humour won't really do. Or will it?

'The struggles of finding love when you have a chronic illness'. This sounded too university assignment-like.

'You didn't tell me you were THAT red'. Yes, that's been said to me before.

'Someone will come along one day'. I think this suits. Affirming and something that's been said to me numerously.

I was reading an interesting blog that I identified with over the weekend.

Todd over at Thoughts of a Frustrated Visionary writes about the challenge of the difficulties of being disabled and finding romance. While my own experiences are different to his, I completely agreed and empathised with this.

'Well then imagine what it is like [the difficulties ] for you or someone you know to find a partner, then add a physical disability into the mix'.

Lots of people say to me 'you'll find a boyfriend, you've just got to give it time'. Or 'someone will come along and love you for the person you really are'. Sigh.

This all may be true, and very kind, but in reality, it's difficult for some people (boys) I meet to get over my appearance.

I'm not saying that about everyone I meet because the majority of people I meet do look past my appearance. I've got wonderful friends and colleagues who treat me like a 'normal' person, which I am forever grateful for.

But finding a partner can be hard. And it can make me sad.

This isn't a woe is me blog entry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I simply wanted to write about this topic because Todd reminded me of how it feels to have the challenge of having a disability (or chronic illness, in my case) and finding love.

It's not too bad being single. I don't have to share or compromise. But sometimes I just want to share my life with someone. To go to the movies. To cook dinner for. To feel loved just knowing they're in my life.

And it's not like I do much about fixing my singledom. I don't look at the odd online dating site kiss or message I receive these days, because honestly, they are probably '36, average and looking for a bit of sexy'. I am not out at nightclubs on a Saturday night - I am at home drinking moscato in my pyjamas, watching Love Actually and reading magazines, eating cheese. And I don't belong to Rotary or a chess club. Nope, I'm not putting myself out there.

I have had boyfriends in the past. Four in fact. These have all been fine about my skin condition. Even the yucky everyday stuff. One boy was so fine he marvelled at an ant carrying a piece of my skin across the hardwood floor and was fascinated by this so much that he watched it for five minutes. He also told me that one day my skin cells won't have anything to renew anymore and that I'll spontaneously combust. Sometimes he was so fine about it that it became more about my skin than me. But he meant well :)

I've even pashed the odd (in nature!!) guy at a pub. A great boost to the self esteem (once I became mature enough to know that it wouldn't eventuate to more than a pash).

I sometimes think that certain people don't expect someone like myself to have a boyfriend. Once, I changed my Facebook information from single to a blank relationship status, and it then said 'Carly is no longer single'. Even when I was still single. Lots of friends 'liked' this, but one person from school commented 'It's about time'. It may have been good natured, but I wondered whether she thought I've been waiting for love all my life.

Most of my loves have been unrequited. The crush can be fun, for a while. But moves are made (usually on my part – did you know I've given three valentines cards and presents?! - and sometimes on theirs) and then I am left feeling a little bit devastated that I love them more than they like me. The positive letdowns have been quite flattering, and a bit too gentle, really:

'You were brave to tell me how you feel'.
'That made my day'.
'You're too fucking special'.

Sigh.

With these ones, I know they looked past my appearance because they were good people.

But then I wonder how long it will take for me to admit my feelings for someone and they reply 'you're a great girl, yes, we should go out sometime, I'd love to get to know you better'.

I'm not a jealous person. Sometimes I wish my life was a bit more like others, where I didn't have to worry about my skin getting in the way of doing things like going out or wearing certain clothes, or even going to work, as I have mentioned before. But there are times where I have seen people with disabilities in relationships and wonder why I can't be like them. In a relationship AND with a chronic illness? Loved my a partner unconditionally. I feel bad for thinking this. Everyone deserves to be in a loving relationship.

I think I'll know when I meet the man of my dreams because he would have taken the time to get to know me under my exterior.

Movie and shopping - the I Love Me date

As mentioned earlier, I spent today at the cinema and then shopping it upat the local massive mall.

I LOVED the film Valentine's Day. It didn't take much brain power, and it was really sappy in parts, but it was a great escape and it made me laugh and feel warm and fuzzy.

I did notice it was a lot like Love Actually, even though Valentine's Day was directed by Barry Marshall and Love Actually was directed by Richard Curtis. The part that reminded me the most of Love Actually was the little boy with the crush on his teacher. I don't love it as much as Love Actually, I don't think I could give my heart fully to another movie, but I will be watching again, if not buying it on DVD.

Another thing I thought about the film was most of the female actresses had high cheekbones and thin lips or narrow faces. Julia Roberts. Jessica Biel. Anne Hathaway. Jennifer Garner.

I recommend seeing the film at the cinema. It is nice. Boys may be bored, but there are enough female characters to distract them from the plot.

I think my favourite part was the Julia Roberts blooper at the end of the film in the credits - she's been down Rodeo Drive before.

After the film, I shopped. I have done some serious walking, enough to believe it's fine not to go to pilates tonight.

I believe shopping is my true love.

If shopping was a man, I would marry him. I love shopping.

I love finding bargains. I enjoy buying a few cheapish things on a shopping trip, but then I see something in Country Road or Cue and wish I had not spent my money on three items from ValleyGirl. I try not to spend too much.

Today I went shopping with the gift vouchers from my birthday and Christmas.

I really wanted to buy some CDs and DVDs from JB HiFi as I had a voucher to burn there. But there was simply TOO MUCH CHOICE! And being the bargain hunter I am, I didn't want to spend $30 on the Julie and Julia DVD when in a month or so it will be half that price. (Why are the prices of CDs and DVDs constantly fluctuating?) I picked up Bertie Blackman's Secrets and Lies, The Frames and the Swell Season, and Little Miss Sunshine. And I really wanted to buy Taylor Swift's CD but I was scared I'd regret it.

I was shocked to see Natalie Imbriglia's classic 1997 album (IMO) Left of the Middle for $4.99. Shocked! It is worth SO MUCH MORE THAN $4.99.

I walked around the store with the CDs and DVDs for a while. And I walked out with NOTHING. Too much choice means I can't make up my mind and so I leave empty handed, only to suffer non-buyer's remorse when I arrive home.

I did have luck with buying clothing though. My lovely managers gave me a massive mall gift voucher for my birthday and it could be used at most of the stores. I spent it in Temt and another cheapie shop. I looked in my FAVOURITE STORE OF ALL TIME, Cue, but everything on sale is really 80s looking and everything that I adore is well out of my price range. So I satisificed (a word I learned a few minutes ago in the Sunday Life magazine supplement with the Sunday Age = satisfied X sufficed) with buying from cheapie shops.

This is what I bought with the voucher plus only a little of my own money.

A pleather jacket from Temt. I wanted a jacket I can wear over a dress as well as with jeans. I like this one.

A sundress from I'm not sure where. I've been eyeing it off for a while now.

I adore the print.

A silver and cream top from Temt. I love silver.


I like how you can buy things for $10 that don't look $10. I enjoy the hunt for expensive looking cheap things.

Last night a friend came over and I cooked us a massive lasagne, full of vegies. It was delicious and there is lots left over for tonight and tomorrow's lunch.

I had a nice weekend. Hope you did, too.

My quest for a Valentine's Date continues...

So you know yesterday I challenged you readers to find me a date for Valentine's Day.

I have received so many compliments from lots of lovely readers, and some help from tweeters through passing my message on.

One lovely reader, Clementine, said if I was gay she'd take me out on a date. I am so flattered by this :) Thank you, thank you.

I also emailed Snitch at the Sunday Age Melbourne Magazine, telling them about my quest to get a date. The reporter wrote back expressing her adoration for me, and saying Snitch would love to help me out but the magazine has gone to print today so they'll be in touch next week. Squeeee!

Exciting times!

Please spread the word about my quest for romance. Drop the line that I was ALMOST a supermodel!

In unrelated matters, my bear jacket has not arrived from Ebay (China) and the superhero party is on Friday. Not sure what to do. Eeek. Maybe I will go as myself.

Find me a date for Valentine's Day

So it's cutting it fine, given it's Tuesday and Valentine's Day is on Sunday. But I was talking with the boys at work and I said I want to get a date for Valentine's Day.

A movie would be nice.

A dinner.

Hell, just a flirtatious wink may constitute as a date in my opinion!

I don't even believe in Valentine's day. Despite that fact I've given three Valentines to three boys throughout my life.

I've been single for a very long time. Most loves of mine have been unrequited. The other loves have turned out to be idiots (putting it mildly).

So, given that between now and Sunday my opportunities to meet boys will be

1) though work
2) at the gym
3) at a costume party
4) at belly dance
(and I think there's only one opportunity there that could be even a little promising).

I challenge you, reader, to find me a date for Valentine's day.

My only requisites is that he must be in Melbourne (live in Melbourne, or travelling through Melbourne on Sunday - we can't do a Skype date), non smoker, compassionate, and good sense of humour.

Oh, and he has to know that I'm red. Maybe you could recommend him a paint swatch that I compare to. Postbox red, or on a good day, Chippolata. Or take him a pink lady apple.

Tell him about me.

-I am employed full time as an events planner and writer and personal assistant and general provider of workplace fun.

-I have tertiary qualifications, soon to have a Master of Communication.

-I volunteer at a children's charity.

(The above qualities show I have stability, ambition and drive, and good with young people.)

-I am a great cook.

-I love food.

-If the money wasn't less than my current salary and the hours weren't more, I'd consider being a chef.

(This means I am not a fussy eater. He can take me anywhere.)

-I enjoy seeing bands and listening to music.

-I like movies.

-I have come to enjoy exercise, even if it's just pilates and bellydance.

(The above things we can do together.)

-I am not superficial.

-I am not afraid to take the piss out of myself. Obviously apparent through merely putting this call out!

-I am broad-minded and have a good sense of perspective.

-I enjoy helping people.

-I have a strong opposition to bullying, discrimination and exclusion.

-And I am happy with my looks, have an alright figure and great smile.

See the following examples.


This is me eating Vietnamese. Dressed well. Smiling.


This is an example of my smile.


I look great in black and white. But the lucky boy will get to see me in full colour.


I won this dress. It makes me look tall. And enhances my assets.

So, my challenge is for you to spread the word, and find me a date for Valentine's Day.

I'm open to your suggestions.

Thank you!

EDIT: I forgot ONE IMPORTANT THING! I was almost a supermodel. Last year when I entered Fox Fm's Real Beauty contest. Yep. Almost a supermodel, boys.