Mamamia, here we go again!

Last week I was published on Mamamia! If you missed it, you can read it here.

There are so many lovely comments on it - a great debate generated. I also received lovely comments from Mia Freedman and Lisa Wilkinson on Twitter.

Thanks for publishing me, Mia :)

If you can't say anything nice...

I was recently at an event with my parents, not knowing many other guests there, surrounded by pretty young things wearing gorgeous dresses. I glammed up for the occasion too - my pink Cinderella skirt from St Frock, and my silver jacket and floral top that I wore to the AusBlogCon (though I always seem to feel really overdressed due to the amount of layers I need to wear!).

While I was talking in hushed tones with my Mum about how beautifully dressed some of the girls were, it turned out some of those beautifully dressed girls were talking in hushed tones about me too.

Later on in the night, after a few wines, I went to the toilet, and got talking to a girl I met on the way. We talked through the toilet walls, small talk - that we liked the food, that the event was a great one, that our shoes were killing us.

Then, out under the fluorescent lights as we washed our hands, the girl turned to me, looked closely, and said "so what happened?". What happened to my face, she meant? "I was born this way", I told her. "And what happened", she asked again. Drunk people can be hard to reason with. "I was born like this, that's what happened", I told her, again.

She asked me if it was a skin condition, I said yes, and I told her the name. Drunk people are also quite honest. "I thought it was a skin condition", she said. And then she added "The people I am with were arguing about whether it was a burn, or sunburn all day".

Right. So while I was probably complimenting some of those girls, they were discussing my appearance.

I know this happens. People ask me all the time. People stare. People ask friends or family or colleagues what is "wrong" with me. it's curiosity. But I didn't even think people would be spending more than a few seconds thinking or commenting about my appearance or discussing appearance in general in a negative way. Certainly not when there's so much beauty and fabulous personalities and wonderful acts of kindness to compliment. And I thought about the shallowness of being so image focused.

I went back into the room happily laughing with the girl I met in the toilet. We went on to discuss the cute boys in the room, arms linked like old friends. She wasn't meaning harm. But it our toilet discussion left me feeling a little self conscious, and got me thinking.

Is it ever appropriate to negatively comment on someone's appearance (how they look or dress, or their race or disability)?

When I think about my own behaviour, I can guiltily admit that there has been times when I've said quietly to a friend "what is she wearing??", or even made a comment about someone's weight. I know. I shouldn't. But it is rare. And the comments never turn into a conversation. It's an instant reaction, and I wouldn't then give their appearance a second thought. And I'd certainly never make judgment about someone's face, disability or race. Never.

My Twitter friends gave me their opinion about the appropriateness of commenting on appearance (and their opinions made me proud):
@mscurlypops: my motto is that if you can't say something nice then say nothing at all!

@KITsDad: No. Unless they're a hipster, then go for it.

@keepcatebusy: don't undrstd why any1 would ever want 2 say something nasty abt some1 else. Ppl only do that 2 make themselves feel superior
 
@_jaime_: when they're wearing socks and thongs -yes. :)

@rhiannoncra: No. Have your opinion, but don't voice it - if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!

@Aneets1: Never. It seems a lot of people lack basic manners. x

@pomegranitaa: If their fly is undone or tag hanging out = yes. If you don't like their shoes or think they look slutty = no.

@Denwise1: never appropriate. Ever. "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all is old maxim" So hope not 2 u

I tweeted to Sydney Shop Girl "Seriously, when did negatively discussing someone's appearance outside of gossip mags become a valid topic of conversation??"

Glossy mags thrive on the way celebrities look. They criticise, point out 'flaws' and persuade readers to aspire to an ideal. Too thin, too fat, too much cellulite, acne scars, best diets, beauty treatments are the secret to happiness. Hell, even my appearance was (positively) highlighted in a women's mag. Image sells.

I was thinking about the way we encourage positive body image in the media. The National Body Image Advisory Group, chaired by Mia Freedman, is an Australian Government initiative, "committed to tackling negative body image from a national perspective, by helping young Australians to build confidence and resilience against the body image pressures that they face.”. The group recently launched new initiatives to promote healthy body image in Australia. These initiatives include the establishment of a voluntary code of conduct for the fashion, media and advertising industries.

The discussion of my appearance at this event made me wonder how far the media has come with portraying a diverse range of people realistically. And wondered whether the media is still giving the public permission to discuss and criticise peoples' flaws. Like the colour of my skin.

It's never ok to negatively comment on the way someone looks. Even telling someone they look tired may be taken as criticism. If you are going to comment on someone's appearance, tell them they look beautiful. Compliments are fare nicer to give people. And I think it's about time the media starts paying more compliments to celebrities' appearances, instead of criticising them. Perhaps this act by the media will mean every day people will be less critical of those who look different.

Hello my name is Carly and I'm a shopaholic.

I was reading a post on Mamamia that I completely identified with. It was about shopping hangovers. Lana, Mia Freedman's assistant, wrote:

The shops like individual gambling tables or slot machines, each one offering the promise of a big win, something new and exciting. Something that will improve my life and make me look and feel better.

I walk into the shops and I just know that I am going to win….

I replied to the post:

Agreed! I often shop to a) reward myself after an achievement and b) to make myself feel better.

Sometimes I dream over the clothes I see in shops, and need to go back to buy them, thinking they’ll complete me somehow. They don’t. The jeans don’t enhance that great piece of writing I am rewarding myself for. And that pretty dress does not compensate for the boy that I long for.

Recently I have shopped because I’ve been sad, and bought SO many things. When I bring the haul home, I realise, I have heaps of clothes, on my spare bed, my floordrobe, on the clothes horse and in my two wardrobes. And I consider whether I even needed the clothes I just bought.

There is a sense of security in a shopping mall and also a sense of guilt like with gambling or drinking. It feels good at the time, but when you realise you should have saved that money for something more important then the regret sets in.

To clarify: I am no longer a shopper where my spending compromised payment of more important things. I've learnt that lesson. I have had a good savings plan for a couple of years now, and I can (sometimes) see progress. I only use my credit card to pay for concert tickets and occasional travel (and pay it back by the next pay day). I have Visa/Mastercard debit cards for online shopping.

Shopping makes me feel good. I list it as a hobby, along with writing, cooking, seeing live bands and eating cheese. I love shopping centres. I love a suburban shopping strip. I love a cute boutique store. I love a (tasteful) craft market. I love browsing online stores. I love reading magazines. I love fashion blogs. And the Vogue Forum. Hell, I even love doing groceries. The only thing I really resent with shopping is when I have to spend around $100 on a chemist visit. Oh, and I don't really like buying shoes.

Considering my sprawling love for all things retail, I manage to control myself quite well. I don't buy everything I see (and I see A LOT in my retail browsing!). I am not influenced by friends' shopping habits. I buy many sale items. I am not a designer label lover. I use layby. But still, I find myself shopping. And buying more stuff. If there was a shopping Olympics, I'd win Gold, Silver and Bronze.

Shopping makes me happy. I don't know how long the post shopping happiness continues. There is probably a mathematical equation to measure this. The clothes I buy make me happy.

I don't drown my sorrows with booze. Actually, when this happens, it's generally booze under $10 (I had $6 wine the other week - UNDRINKABLE!) because I've already spent my pennies drowning my sorrows shopping.

The giant pile of clothes on my spare room bed because they won't fit in my wardrobe, and my floordrobe just looks messy, does not make me happy. (I was going to take a photo and post it here, but I feared Faux Fuschia with her impeccable wardrobe organisation skills may disown me as a friend!)

I need to stop shopping.

I don't need more stuff.

Except for a new bra and possibly new shoes for the ball next week.

I have bought more things in addition to the beautiful things I bought on the beautiful day with Sydney Shop Girl last week, and lots more in the weeks before our morning out.

These are some of the things I've bought recently (in the last six weeks). Pay attention to my justifications for purchase:

♥ Cupcakes for colleagues and I. (I did receive payment for two cupcakes, though). They were delicious. I had the croquembouche one - on the right. I accidentally left one in the fridge at work. Colleagues reading this, please don't eat my cupcake!

♥ Magazines. Did I really need four of them? I only bought Grazia because it had a Mimco voucher. I bought Instyle to read on the plane almost two weeks ago, but only got around to reading half of it in the hospital waiting room last Wednesday. The other two haven't yet been read.

Kings of Leon Come Around Sundown CD. It's growing on me.

♥ Mimco hair accessories. A clip and a headband. I've worn the clip and the headband is for the ball next week. That Mimco voucher made me spend a lot more than the voucher was worth. Clever marketing.

♥ Floral dress. From Harris Scarfe. A very unexpected place for me to buy clothes from. The dress had me at hello.

♥ Hot pink dress from Sportsgirl. Because I have a skirt in the same material and I love it and have worn it about four times in the six weeks I've had it. And the dress was $23.95 from $129. Practically free. And I plan to wear it under the cropped silver and white tee shirt that I have had, unworn, for six months.

♥ Pyjamas from Sussan. Because I love their pyjamas and I have a weakness for them. And they were on sale. And I needed them for my trip away.

♥ Pyjama shorts from Sussan. Because they were hanging near to the pyjamas above. And they were also on sale.

♥ Pyjamas from Temt. Who knew Temt sold pyjamas? These were pretty. And a bit sexy. I rarely wear pyjamas at home, and (without being the bearer of too much information) found I didn't need pyjamas for my trip away.

♥ My giant bag. I loved the colour. I loved the style. I had to have it.

Unfortunately I did not check its size to my height ratio before I bought it. My bag means I get an influx of boys offering to carry it. (There's been two boys offer, and I've taken two offers for carrying my bag.) And I can never find anything in it. So it's beautiful but a little annoying.

Phew!

I have also bought two presents - three Sia CDs and a Ben Cousins DVD.

Ok, so I feel a little sick, and guilty for showcasing my recent purchases. My justifications for purchase seem so silly. Just like Lana in the Mamamia blog post, it's a shopping hangover.

There always seems to be an excuse for shopping:
'Retail therapy.'
'An event to attend.'
'A reward.'
Rewarding myself for NOT shopping!'
'Sadness.'
'Happiness.'
'I just might need that item one day.'
'It was cheap.'
'It was onsale, 75% off.'
'It looked great in the magazine/in store.'
'If I don't like it, you can give it away as a present.'
'It IS a present.'
And the old 'there's always someone I know who shops more than me, so my shopping is just a blip on the retail radar.'

It's time I stopped these excuses. I don't need more stuff. I should be content with the stuff I have. I have great clothes. It'll be fun to mix and match my existing wardrobe/floordrobe/bedrobe. I should save for a rainy day. Because hell, my hot pink silk Sportsgirl dress isn't going to keep me dry.

Hello, my name is Carly and I'm a shopaholic. And it's time I reduce my intake. Not cold turkey, just buy less stuff.

Tell me your shopping confessions. So I don't feel so bad about mine.

(PS: this is my 300th blog entry! This blog has come a long way, baby.)

My feature on Mia Freedman's website

I told you something exciting was going to happen.

And today it has!

I have been featured and published on Mia Freedman's blog, Mamamia.

The article was originally written for DiVine. Mia Freedman assisted me with finding a contact for the article, and she read the finished article and asked me if she could reproduce it in an edited form on her blog.

For those of you who are not aware, Mia used to be an editor for Cosmopolitan magazine, and now writes for Fairfax and is a member of the National Body Image Advisory Group in Australia.

I am really proud of this article, especially for it to have received such prolific coverage.

You can see me on Mamamia here.

Thanks for reading!