~ Lauren King
I feel like I'm just not working hard enough. That I'm not someone's ideal. That I want the chance to prove myself, more than the constraints allowed me to. Look at me, I'm worthy. I'm giving you all my circus tricks. No ok, you don't see what I see in me. I wish I hadn't tried.
When things are going really well, I have a fear of failure. I talk myself out of doing something because rejection may ruin the flow of good things. Footballer Cristiano Ronaldo once said “I'm living a dream I never want to wake up from." And I am loving life right now. I don't want to ruin this. I don't want disappointment to cloud my sunshine. I want to be buoyant and brightly shining. I am not one of those people styling their life for social media, but I am aware that by having created this good life, I could easily throw something in the mix that sours life. Is that too self absorbed? Unrealistic? Too safe? Too fearful? Probably.
Us creative types, maybe we are our own worst enemy. You can't measure perfection from creativity. It's not like being a mathematician or a scientist where there is a formula for the perfect answer. Creativity doesn't happen with a formula. And we are the worst of all our critics.
I don't ask someone to do something because they may say no. I hesitate about applying for a job because I worry I won't get an interview or the job. I procrastinate on starting a piece of writing (usually for elsewhere, not here) because I fear it won't move people. I don't look at my bank balance until I go to pay my rent because I believe I should have my shit together by now (but the coins are finally stacking up!). I don't tell someone I love them in case they don't love me back.
Which I guess means I don't want to step outside of my comfort zone. Which is silly, because to get where I am at this very moment, I have stepped out of my comfort zone. Like a dog chasing its tail. Seeking perfection when I should always aim for excellence.
Eventually I do start, but it's usually with trepidation. And then I realise I can, it wasn't that bad, it wasn't that hard, I am not a failure.
I know I will never fit a mould. It just comes with being different. And I know I shouldn't try force myself into these moulds. I can run my own race, even if it's not the race outsiders think should be run. Climbing the hierarchy in a pressed suit is not for me, and leadership isn't only a six figure salary, no matter how much I try to convince myself.
But I want to be good at everything. I want the things I do to be perfect. And sometimes that is torturous.
I wrote down all my achievements on paper. They came to 3000 words and then some. They may not have been perfect for the purpose, but they're perfect for where I want to be. And they're excellent for where I am.
I believe in me. It's time to take this self belief and turn these dreams into plans.