I'm a rational person with plenty of willpower. I think I can read people quite well. I think things through logically and I can keep a block of dark chocolate in my pantry without scoffing the lot. I can drive calmly through city traffic and I can go for weeks, even months without seeing friends, and know our friendship is still very strong. I know people are busy. I think I'm smart. I'm educated and know about stuff. I am an adult and in less than a decade I'll be 40.
But then I get to like a boy and my rationality and willpower dissolve into a puddle of teenage girl. And it's usually got to do with communication via mobile phones. I try to foresee the future in 160 characters.
There's been no contact from him for five days. There's no future for us.
That wink in his text means he was flirting. Wasn't he? Or maybe his finger slipped? Probably.
It's better to be wishy washy with my feelings than just say what I really think. Even if I look needy.
Texting is the done thing now. People are afraid of speaking on the phone. I can't call him.
He's not updated Facebook in ages. He must have deleted me as a friend.
He's so beautiful I'm punching above my weight and I may as well concede defeat now.
And then I hear from him. It's brief but it's something. My heart feels full and my world fills with a colouring book scene of rainbows and hearts and lambs frolicking in a paddock. I run out of the room to squee! And I tell my best friends. I'm still in with a chance. Gosh I like him.
I'm stupid. Not the queen of playing it cool. I am both the king of wishful and over thinking. But I'm trying to change my ways. One text at a time.
He came to visit me in hospital today. He was lovely and funny and cute and then said "I've met this girl recently..."
My heart landed in my mouth. I cried into my pillow. I told the nurse my skin is sore and I'm a bit sad too.
Maybe I've got to fight harder for what I want. Should have told him. Saying he's awesome and I'm glad we met wasn't enough.
He's a great guy. One of the best. But he's not mine.