The big empty

I haven't felt this empty in a long time. I have so many things to do - a radio segment, eat, uni stuff, groceries, my tax, washing - but all I want to do is stay under the covers and cry.

In the last day, I have had a couple of emails for advice about how to deal with ichthyosis. I will answer them soon - but right now I can't articulate what I am feeling, and so I don't think I can be the best role model.

People have said to me that soon I'll find someone else who will love me. I've written about it before. These words are encouraging, but not realistic. When you're me - red, chronically ill, noticeable and often ignored or bombarded with questions because of my appearance, it's not easy to simply go out and have someone find me attractive and want to take me home and hopefully fall in love with me.

I'm not what you'd call 'easy'. I guess not being easy comes by default - I can't be easy when advances aren't forthcoming. So when advances are made, I tend to show a greater sense of caution and trust, because I know that the person making the advances must be looking past my red face and taking care not to hurt me, physically and emotionally. And even when someone is completely wrong for me, the fact they appreciated me as a person, and appreciated my body, I find it hard to detach myself from them. Even when they've asked me to. And especially because the attribute I love in them is that they accept me wholly.

This afternoon I am doing a radio segment about dating and disabilities. I will have a lot to say.

I didn't think it would be so hard. I want to feel happiness again.

Finding clarity and trying to let go

I went on my trip not expecting anything other than friendship. But I also needed to sort out affairs of the heart. I needed to know whether my feelings of love were sustainable. I was seeking clarity, and have found clarity. We can only be friends.

I spent 72 hours with one of the most beautiful men ever. At times I couldn't believe it was happening. I haven't given myself permission to study the playback in my mind. Some amazing things happened, and I fear if I revel in the memories too much I'll be prolonging the love that I need to let go of. I'm not ready to cry. It is hard not to love someone when they've asked you not to.

Currently I feel a bit sad and empty, and miss him, but feel so proud I took the risk and came to know him better. And to know myself better.

I used to have strong beliefs about love. My beliefs have shifted.

I discovered that you can't love everything about someone, and that's ok. You've just got to hold onto the ways they make you happy and feel loved.

More of all the things that I've done

I went on a weekend-long trip to Canberra, Australia's capital.

A lot of time was spent drinking.

And eating. And listening to music.

And doing touristy things. It was a fun trip. I laughed a lot.

I went to the National Zoo. Here is some of what I saw.

That blue is too good to be true

Two snakes. Each snake can weigh up to 210 kg!

Iguana

Sun bear

Otters. Despite me wanting an otter last week, now I've seen them, I've decided they are not entertaining.

A lion sleeps up to 20 hours a day!

A gazelle like creature. Possibly related to a unicorn. Duocorn?

These zebras were in with the duocorns.

I am envious of the giraffe's eyelashes.

The giraffe's two back horns are electrodes that emit signals to space.
The front horn is a handlebar*.
(*Not a scientific fact. More like a harebrained theory.)

I was so envious of the giraffe's eyelashes I took another photo.
And then discovered, while watching Bathurst, Mark Skaife has similar eyelashes. Others agreed. That was the only thing I contributed to the Bathurst conversation.

The giraffe and Skaife must use the same beautician.

At this angle, the eyelashes are a little Kylie Minogue. 

The eyeshadow makes me think the giraffe is one of those Kyle impersonators.

Meerkats are feisty.

We wanted the meerkat to grab onto the guy's ankles.
The most action at the zoo was when the meerkat growled. Seriously.

 

Sleepy koala. Kind of looking like the hats the guards at Buckingham Palace wear.
Or maybe a guard at Parliament House in Australia?

I love fairy penguins!!!

Me hanging with the penguins.

This emu was far too close for my liking.

Evil looking emu.

The Lesser Spotted Chair. A rare and dangerous find in the wild.
Watch out for its protruding legs which spear its prey without notice.
The Lesser Spotted Chair can often be found alongside a candy stripe stick.
Apparently the best part of the zoo.

Monkeys!

 

 Overall the National Zoo was not as interesting as Melbourne Zoo. It was a bit unkempt in some places (see the chair picture). But some of the animals were so close to view, which was exciting. Overall it took less than two hours to sit and eat and walk around the zoo.

 I also went to the war memorial. It was really interesting, very well put together and I learnt a lot.

And here is what I wore on my outing.

Jeanswest tee over Glassons merino jumper, Sportsgirl skirt,
Big W 'fauxverse' sneakers, Wiyomu necklace, Mimco headband.

All the things I've done

I have been away, doing stuff. Here's a look at what's been happening in my life lately.

Filming an educational DVD

The lovely crew at Grit Media asked me to 'act' in an educational DVD about different forms of abuse. It was filmed at my place last Friday. It will be out in December.

I prepared by reading a script.
I was mic-ed up and eating lunch. The sound guy said he heard me chewing from the other room.

The boys were crammed into my living room shooting my piece.

The iPad clapper board app. Coolest app ever.

Big thanks to Jordan Prosser and friends for a fun shoot!

Cousin Rachel's visit

My lovely English cousin Rachel came to stay on Sunday. I picked her up from the airport and we had a nice roadtrip to my parents' house in the country. The weather was mostly perfect during our stay. Blue skies and warm days.

Rachel is incredibly funny, and so nice. We got along very well.

We fed Cutlet the lamb.

He is nine weeks now, and very cute and silly.

Aside from drinking milk, he likes eating trees and snow peas and gambolling. He does this funny side kick run thing which is very cute.

We saw touristy things.

The Murray River/Hume Dam

Ettamogah Pub

We went to Milawa Cheese Factory.

We sampled heaps of cheese.

Milawa cheese bag.

Goat's cheese camenbert, Milawa white and King River Gold

Our picnic lunch - cheese, salami, fig roll and crusty bread.

I bought lovely toys from Beechworth.

These say it all about my love for housework.

Funny cards

A beautiful plate from Beechworth pottery store.

A super cute pendant made of leather, silver and jade.
It has so much detail - this photo does not do it justice

We saw Sarah Blasko in Albury. Before the show, there was a massive downpour, apparently a flash flood, and Rachel and I got soaked! We spent a long time drying ourselves under the hand dryers in the ladies'. I was standing against the dryer with my dress up, willing it to dry!

We were very close to the stage - in the second row. I only got two photos of the show - security were strict.

Sarah wore an interesting dress. She was very funny on stage,

I got the setlist! My concert challenge.

My highlight was Flame Trees. It was haunting. Best cover ever. This tour will be the last time she plays it too.

The support act was called Seja.

Seja are a three piece from Brisbane. They were fantastic. A bit electronic, a bit rock, a bit softly female.

Cousin Rachel kindly bought me the Seja CD. Can't wait to listen to it.

I am not very familiar with all of Sarah Blasko's songs but seeing her live made me appreciate her songwriting and extensive vocal skills. She's pretty amazing!

Other things that happened:

• I got my airconditioner in my car re-gassed. A life saver for summer
• I met one of my blog readers, Anni Sugar, at her place of work.
• I watched merely an hour of TV which was really nice.
• I drank a lot of wine.
• We ate great food!
  
  

Today we dropped Rachel off at the Albury airport and two exciting things happened.

I got randomly swabbed for explosives when I visited the departure lounge, even though I wasn't travelling on a plane. I found this exciting as Albury airport has recently increased its security to capital city proportions. Albury airport, how you've grown up~

I also saw the head of my organisation. The Commissioner. He remembered me from the events we have both been at. We had a nice chat. Good to see him!

It was a lovely few days away. I loved spending time with Mum and Dad, and getting to know Rachel better. Lots of laughs were had by all.

Mum and I near the Hume Weir

Tomorrow I head off on another trip for the weekend. More to come when I return.

I have missed blogging!