The time I felt silenced by a person in power. (And why it's taken me two years to speak up.)

Over the weekend, a story came out about Jennifer Hawkins not speaking up about Donald Trump's derogatory comments towards her on stage at an event. I have to be honest and admit I haven't been following the US Presidential Election closely, other than the odd headline revealing what a dangerous man Donald Trump is.     

My editor put a call out in our Facebook writer's group, asking if anyone wanted to cover the Jennifer Hawkins and Donald Trump story. A colleague pitched an angle, and it inspired me to share my own experience of being silenced because I was afraid of someone in power. I sent off my experience to my editor, and Jenna Price wrote this article for Daily Life with a few of my quotes.
 

I think it might be pretty common for women to experience harassment or uncomfortable comments from a manager or senior member in the organisation and not speak up because of the ramifications to their career. It's happened to me, a number of times. I wanted to share the whole story with you, so here it is.     

I put so much of myself into my writing, and so readers - and editors - come to know me very well. Perhaps they feel my candid writing about my disability gives them permission to enquire, or joke about it, more than a stranger.     

I was at a conference, hanging out with fellow writers. I always love seeing my writing friends in person - they just get the industry, and we talk so much online it's nice to see them in real life. It had been quite a successful time for me - winning several writing awards and being published across many networks.    

One editor, who, along with their team, gave me such a great opportunity, made a few comments about my skin.     

"I wanted to slap you on the bum but I didn't know if it would hurt you", they said as they greeted me while I checked into the hotel. I laughed it off, air kissing them back.  Did I hear right?

I dropped my bags in my room, and then headed down to the hotel bar. A number of us chatted over cocktails and snacks, talking a mile a minute. It was truly great to see everyone at this annual conference.     

An hour, one cocktail and lots of selfies later, I got up to leave, saying I wanted to have a shower and get some rest before that evening's event. "Don't leave your skin in the shower", my editor laughed.     
I waved everyone off, cheeks burning. When I got to my room, I told my friend who was sharing with me what was said. My roommate agreed it was strange, but we agreed it was just a joke, not meant with malice.    

It was such a personal, odd thing to say. My editor hadn't commented on anyone else's personal attributes as they had mine, not that my writer friends had any obvious disabilities that I knew of.

A few months earlier, I had written a long post on Facebook (later inserted into a blog) about how my fears of staying in shared accommodation while traveling were conquered when I was forced to shower in a hostel. Fellow travelers had to see me first thing in the morning - face unwashed, dry skin - and I came to be comfortable with that. Perhaps my editor had read it? Of course, I was - and still am - conscious of leaving my skin behind, so my editor's comment made be burn up in front of my colleagues and friends. What if I did gross out my roommate by leaving skin behind in the shower? (I later vowed not to apologise about my skin.)    

We glammed up for the evening. My friend and I were five minutes fashionably late - she looked so fabulous by the time she put on her makeup and curled her hair.  The lift to the bar was full - and my editor was in there. We squeezed in. My editor spoke up: "what took you so long ladies? Did Carly spend ages getting the skin on her face ready?", they asked.     

I was mortified, but quick. I said  "No, Liz* spent ages putting her makeup on. I don't need makeup."    
The lift was silent. I got no apology. This third time frustrated me.     

My writer friends drank and chatted the night away. Of course my editor's comments were not enough to make me worry about my appearance, but I did worry I was giving so much about myself in my writing that it made readers comfortable to say really awkward things.    

When we returned to our hotel room after the event, my roommate and I discussed what happened in the lift, at the bar and at reception. We couldn't quite believe it. (When I called her about mentioning her in this article, two years on, she still agreed it was weird.) I said those things have stuck with me for years and I didn't want to speak up. I worried about my career.     

While perhaps my editor was so familiar with my work, and sees me comfortably making jokes about my skin, they felt it gave them  permission to make a joke too.     

But here's the thing. They were in power of me - at the time I had a writing contract with that publication. It was good money and I didn't want to jeopardise the contract or my reputation with my editor and their team.     

But as an employee and contractor with a disability, insensitive or discriminatory comments about my disability from my superiors can be difficult to manage. Who do I tell when the person making them is the boss? What if, by being assertive and saying these comments make me feel uncomfortable, I am breaking a code of conduct.     

Perhaps this is why Jennifer Hawkins didn't speak up about Donald Trump's belittling comments. He publicly made comments about lying about her intelligence, and suggested Jennifer "came and came and came". She avoided his kiss on the lips by turning her head.    

On the weekend. Jennifer Hawkins said "I've said it before, he has treated me with respect, and so has his family. Beyond that, what else am I going to comment on," she said. She said she didn't want to get involved in making a political comment."    

He has given her many opportunities as Miss Universe. At one stage he was her boss. My editor gave me many opportunities too. But it's comments made from people in power who stop us speaking up. And it shouldn't.     

These sorts of comments because of familiarity would never happen in my regular day job as I don't "put myself out there" as much as in my writing. But how does that excuse the comments from my editor? It was really easy to blame myself because as online writers, we are constantly on the receiving end of justifications for negative and abusive comments. And perhaps Jennifer Hawkins (and the public) felt like she should have just laughed Donald Trump off because she's in an industry that focuses on physical beauty. It still doesn't make it right, though.     

I've never spoken to anyone other than my hotel roommate about how I felt when my editor made comments about my skin. I excused them because I felt I invited them by making readers comfortable enough to feel they can have a joke with me. Just like readers ask how sore I am, because I wrote about it. But I never asked for it. My editor held the payment and writing opportunities over me - but they also made me feel more self conscious than I needed to. All for a byline.     

Writing this piece felt cathartic. I might be risking my reputation in the media industry by speaking out (just as I've been told that I might be overreacting or too sensitive when I've spoken up about bullying in my day job), but I don't want my silence to be complicit anymore.   

(*Name has been changed.) Did you like this post? Did it help you or make you think? Please consider buying me a drink!

Lads' mags and nude films. A lesson in appearance diversity.

Part one

This isn't a piece to examine or to criticise the intent, it's writing out my feelings. It's exploring why I feel this way. I've sought permission from Adam to run this post. It also contains a little nudity.

I don't believe women's bodies should be objectified, and I don't believe men's should be either. I stopped buying women's magazines years ago because there was too much direction of the reader to be something they're not. Get thinner, wear this, make sure you're having sex five times a week to keep your boyfriend, you won't get a boyfriend looking like that, don't eat this, aspire to be like that celebrity. I just wasn't that person women's mags were targeting.

And so I was surprised when I got home to see Zoo Magazine sitting on the coffee table. A bright yellow cover featuring a young woman in a skimpy bikini and maybe a truck and some shouty headlines. I don't know, I didn't look that hard.

"Why is Zoo Magazine here?" I asked.

"I'm going to read it", he said. If I had proper eyebrows, I would have raised them.

"But not for that stuff", he added.

You mean you can read those mags?, I wondered.

I stormed off to the kitchen, giving him the silent treatment while I went to make a potato bake. With cheese and bacon. Clearly to ensure I will never feature on the cover or inside the magazine.

I thought about why I'm angry that there was a Zoo Magazine sitting on our table. Sure he's a man and can watch or read porn if he chooses - perhaps on his own electronic device, away from my eyes. And so can I. But it's confronting to see it sitting on my table among magazines filled with food and journalism and wedding ideas. It's literary snobbery I know. And it felt like an invasion of my space - even though we live together now. But this is mostly about my appearance activism work. And also, my own appearance. I can't be strong all the time.

I want people of all appearances to feel good about themselves, and I want there to be more diversity in the media. These types of magazines aren't representative of diversity.

Zoo Magazine and others goes against everything I believe in. It contains near naked women, airbrushed, posing and portraying a sense of ideal perfection.

Didn't he want to look at me anymore? Why did he need women in a magazine like that?

He's looking at women that I'll never be - taut stomachs, smooth tanned skins, long hair, bikini clad bodies and cosmetically enhanced faces. For a minute I was reminded of that - I didn't feel normal enough. I didn't feel good enough.

And I wondered if my activism work has been enough.

Paper ladies can hurt.

I realise that I'd come across as controlling and slightly overreactive, and perhaps held misinformed prejudice because I really did judge a book (using that term loosely) by its cover, but I wasn't expecting the feeling I'd have when I saw that magazine in my house, bought by my fiancé. Adam and I talked about the Zoo Magazine later that night. His intent was not to disrespect me or other women.

Part two

Fast forward about a month later and I was invited to see Exposed at the Girls on Film Festival. Exposed is a documentary about eight burlesque performers. It's a story of appearance diversity, self acceptance and celebrating difference. It was so good!

I took Adam along, and a few other friends were there - including the director and the publicist of the festival who warned us there was LOTS of nudity and body parts at different angles. I joked to Adam and those around us that this is our first nude film, and I hoped that the winner of the ticket giveaway on my Facebook page would enjoy the film and not hold bad feelings towards me if she was scarred by the content (she loved it! Phew!).

The film contained so much nudity and swinging around of breasts and penises. It was certainly eye opening. However, the burlesque performers in Exposed were not on stage for the male gaze, rather for the universal gaze. They'd created characters that they feel comfortable with, exploring issues wider than just a naked body on stage.

Mat Fraser - an English performer who has a show called The Arms (because of his short arms due to the effects of thalidomide) - spoke about how he is able to push out a political statement by being funny and pushing boundaries of conformity. For years he didn't feel in - until he became a disability activist and then a performer. He said "I became normal by highlighting my difference". And you know, I feel this way too. I feel a part of some incredible communities (the blogging community and the disability community) because of the way I've told my story and highlighted my difference on my own terms.

The World Famous *BOB* (above) - a female drag queen who, for years, identified as a gay male, also spoke about being proud and highlighting difference. She said that women ask her how to conceal cellulite. "How do you hide cellulite? Cover it in glitter and shine a fucking spotlight on it", she said. I love this!

I realised that I was so much more comfortable watching these bodies and sexuality with Adam because the subjects in the film are in control of their appearance. They're proud and empowered and showcase their self professed imperfections - which I call diverse beauty. It was easier to watch than reading the lads magazine due to the diversity within.

Even though more graphic to watch than the content of Zoo Magazine. these people had a purpose of showing off their bodies proudly - even though they didn't fit the mould of perfection. Exposed showed representations of diverse bodies - non normative and non conforming. There was no airbrushing. The performers were in their natural state - laughing, educating and being vulnerable.

While watching Exposed, I was furiously taking notes, thinking back to the day I found the Zoo Magazine. This isn't about who's more of a real woman or degrading their employment choices. The women on those pages must be every bit of in control of their appearance as the burlesque performers. Yet for me, there was something much more powerful seeing the performers in Exposed really owning and loving their image, bringing their identities to life in a three dimensional way, and giving people who don't fit the perceived beauty ideal permission to do the same. I felt connected to these performers, knowing that I'd have a place on 'Misfit Island' (as Exposed performer, Tigger called it) if I wanted, too. I could never be in Zoo Magazine.

* I promised Adam that I owe him a movie of his choice after watching Exposed. His choice. I will sit through anything!