The time I met Dooce (and what she taught me about handling criticism).

Last Friday I saw Heather B Armstrong (Dooce) speak at Problogger. She spoke about the criticism she has received over 14 years of blogging. (She started blogging in 2001, "right after I hopped of my dinosaur"). As her session began, a recording played over the AV - her reading out the hate-mail she received. Things about her looking anorexic and people saying they hope she gets cancer and dies. She looked visibly upset, hardened from the abuse. She said she can't go to a play date with her children in case someone writes about her online. It was heartbreaking. The criticism on top of life's regular challenges can be unbearable.

Heather said the people who leave awful feedback are more deserving of our compassion than those who send praise. She believes blog critics have unprocessed pain all through their lives.mthey do not think bloggers are human. They are hurting.

It's easy to shake it off once, she said, but "until you run into criticism again, you're going to have to shake it off more". It escalated exponentially as her profile has risen. She advises against being defensive about the criticism - "There is no use for that emotion or energy whatsoever", she said. Being defensive never prepared her for the next wave of criticism.

She spoke of the lack of understanding from people who don't blog - they don't understand why criticism upsets us. It upsets us because we write from the heart - especially those of us who are personal bloggers. Our lives are on the line.

But we have to continue to tell our stories (and I believe only our stories as personal bloggers) - to make a difference to the world, to help othersMans to help ourselves. We have to write bravely. And readers need to respect that.

She seems like one of those writers whose entire body is impacted by the writing process - words tumbling out like she is running the race of her life, wiping her brow with relief when the final full stop is placed. "Courage is telling our story not being immune to criticism. If it didn't sting I wouldn't be able to tell the story."

Heather referenced one of my favourite writers Lindy West - recalling the story of when Lindy confronted her troll. I admire the strength of both these women, so when they tweeted me, I fangirled. Tellingly, as soon as Heather responded, a troll came out to play. Ugh.

I really liked how she told readers how to deliver constructive criticism: "constructive criticism is saying 'here's how you could have handled this better' so we can be self aware in righting wrongs". She encouraged readers to leave constructive criticism to do it politely, tactfully and kindly.

She also monetised the hate - taking the hate-mail and creating a blog and covering it in advertising. She made $10,000. What a way to benefit from a horrible situation. Here's that blog.

She ended by giving bloggers permission to shut down the criticism, to not give them airtime. "No one gets to come into your living room and take a poo on your floor. Delete negative comments." She also doesn't advise that we seek out negative comments about us (or for our friends to let us know we are being discussed). (She actually said 'poop' but I hate that word so I shortened it!)

I had goosebumps after her talk. So vulnerable, courageous and wise. It is hard to switch off as an online writer, and while the level of criticism and hate I've received has been small compared to others, it's there. And it can be frightening, and every harsh message makes me question my ability and place as a writer. Yesterday I posted something on Facebook about petroleum products and I saw the messages coming through and was terrified I'd be attacked for using paraffin for my skin. Because it's happened before.

While I think her talk might have scared new bloggers off, I don't think we should give up writing because of these critics. I think we need to look after ourselves, seek help when we need it, keep talking about ourexperiences to our blogging friends and colleagues and taking time away occasionally. It's so important these haters don't take over our esteem and talent. We need to cushion the blows as best as we can.

I snuck up the back of the room with a friend to meet Heather. I told her that I knew of her, but hadn't read her blog so had no preconceptions. She was grateful for that.

I told her about Reddit, and how I turned the hateful conversation around. I was so thankful - finally I heard from someone who knew a little of what I went through because of Reddit.

You can't switch off. These haters are hurting - while we are living our lives, they are so miserable in theirs, they bring others down. But we don't have to let them in. Thank you Heather Armstrong. I needed you in December 2013.

There's a lot more I have to share about her talks at Problogger - especially about her beliefs about personal blogging. Stay tuned.

 

How I achieved my goal after a blog conference (and a cute printable for you!).

This week is #PBEvent - the annual Problogger conference! I am so excited! Blog conferences are SO inspiring. Every session I’ve been to has taught me something, and more often than not, the speakers’ stories have given me the incentive to do more. Write more, develop a product, create an event, be a better person. I leave blog conferences so energised and full of creativity (and also a little exhausted due to said energy and creativity!)

Being surrounded by people who just *get* me and being driven to do more at the conference makes it hard for re-entry into the ‘real world’ – where some people think blogging and social media is frivolous, or at worse, dangerous. (I’ve seen a lot of posts from my American friends about how hard re-entry has been post BlogHer. Arnebya, who I met at BlogHer’12 said when she returns to work after BlogHer, the things that hit her the hardest are “the lack of lanyards, tiny desserts, and howling laughter that make her stomach muscles scream”.)

So it’s important to keep the momentum from the blog conference going long after it ends. You can keep that momentum going by setting a goal.

Your goal might be just to write more each day. Or create a content schedule. Or connect with a new exciting person on social media once a week. Or to keep in contact with some of the awesome people you met at the conference. Or if you are like me (overly ambitious), your goal might be elephant sized. Like creating a real-life meet. Or writing a book. Or developing a blog course. (I don’t want to brag but I’ve done two of those since PBEvent14!)



I was inspired to create the Australian Ichthyosis Meet at last year’s conference. And so I did (with a lot of hard work and a few tears). Community and social good was a big theme of the 2014 Problogger Event.

Darren Rowse (Problogger) talked a lot about community at the event. I saw a video of Chantelle from Fat Mum Slim meeting with her blog readers and I wanted to do that. And Pat Flynn encouraged bloggers to create an opportunity for our community to meet with each other.

These messages were what kept me going from September 2014 to May 2015.

I planned my goal from the day I got home (hurrah for an annual leave day!). And here’s how I did it. (This isn’t about how I planned the event – that post will be coming soon!)

I wrote down my goal.

That kept me accountable. I wrote it in a notebook and on the internet – I was publicly accountable.

I told someone the intricacies of my goal.

I learnt to only tell someone who would nurture my idea as much as I did. I didn’t need anyone telling me that I couldn’t or shouldn’t make this happen. (The people who didn’t nurture my goal suggested I should stop being proud of creating this event. Hence why I learnt only to tell people who would nurture my goals in future.)

I set a timeline.

I consulted with people who were interested in attending the Australian Ichthyosis Meet and gave them a few options of when and where it would be held. And when consensus was provided, I worked to that date. The meet took nine months planning. My baby. 

I connected with people who could help me.

• I connected with brands at blogging events and via email and phone calls. It was so cool to work with Random House, Mad Man Entertainment, MooGoo, Olympus and more!
• I asked people who know how to do things that I didn't. Adam made the chalk board! (And for this post, I got someone awesome to make my printable - Robyna May!) 
• I asked some blogging friends to assist on the day – Nathalie from Easy Peasy Kids was the kids’ coordinator, and Nicole from Champagne and Chips helped with bag organisation and meeting and greeting guests.
• While I could have written my media release, a friend wrote it for me as I didn’t have time. 
• Years ago I met a lovely lady in the green room at No Limits. She and her partner were the event facilitators. 
• I crowd funded the event. 

I broke my big goal down into little goals.

There are lots of steps in achieving a goal. These are all little goals. Working on them and achieving each of these makes a big goal more manageable. My main little goals were booking a venue, raising funds, collecting donations for giveaways, promoting the event so people would come, developing an agenda, briefing the medical team and putting together the goodie bags for the day. Phew!

Do you want to write a book? Make your first goal to create an ebook so you get into the practice of writing and have something to pitch. Then get a literary agent. Then write 1000 words a day. Then organise your book into chapters. Although - what do I know?! I haven't written a book yet - but I'd like to!

I knew my weaknesses.

I’m no good at arty and numerical stuff, so I get others to help me. I am getting better at graphics but I still ask for help.

Maybe you need help with events planning or coding. You can ask others to do these things (DELEGATE!) or you can skill yourself up in them (if you have time!). Take a short course (or check out free ones on MOOC) or ask someone in this field if you can intern with them to learn stuff. 

I played on my strengths and used my networks.

I am really lucky to have been working as an events planner and communicator for many years in my day job, so these skills helped me plan my event.

I also collaborated with some brands for my events – brands who I’d met through blogging. I wrote them email pitches (explaining my event, asking for products, telling them how I would promote them) and showcased their donations on social media. I went outside of my comfort zone, attending a parenting-bloggers’ event, because my new audience for this event was parents.

You build so many skills as a blogger. Writing, photography, marketing, social media… use them! And connect with the people you meet along the way!

I was prepared for hurdles.

Fortunately not much went wrong with achieving this goal. There were a few hiccups but nothing that I couldn’t handle. I had my Mum and Adam to vent to. I couldn’t adjust the timeframe, but I could scale down the event if needed. 

And then  event happened! I remember thinking, I can't believe it's here! I can't believe people came and believed in me! 

Whether you go to #PBEvent or another conference, I know you'll be inspired to do something awesome. Whether it's a big event for lots of people like I organised, or a smaller personal event, I wish you luck! I hope my tips help!

Here’s a cute printable for you to use when creating your goal after a blog conference (or after it comes to you anywhere really – my goal to write this post about goals came to me while I was in the loo!)

And here is a link to the PDF. 

Have you got any tips for goal setting?

Tips for meeting people at blog conferences.

It’s three weeks until the ProBlogger Event (#PBEvent). I cannot wait. I’ll be in my element, learning about all things blogging and being surrounded by likeminded people, and I’m also glad for the warmth of Queensland.

Blogging conferences leave me inspired and drained. It’s exhausting learning, networking and socialising. (And drinking.)

I seem to be an extrovert, but I really do like my alone time. At times, I feel socially awkward, not knowing what to say or who to talk to. I have had to work really hard to put myself out there after so many years of feeling alone. I do get overwhelmed - especially because I am easily recognisable but don't recognise others very well – and I hope that my vagueness doesn’t make me seem unapproachable. If I don't recognise you, say hello and let me know who you are!

Kelly Exeter wrote a great post on kicking arse at a blog conference as an introvert, and Talking Frankly wrote one about the difficulties of being an extrovert (I admit to being intimidated by her when she told me she would out-tweet me last year!). The aim of my post is to provide some advice about meeting people at blogging conferences - whether you're an introvert or extrovert.

Bloggers are people too.

There are no celebrity bloggers. No blogger is better than you just because they’ve been around for longer or won an award or belong to a really cool group. They are just bloggers who are people too. Thinking like that can lead to disappointment!

Remember that blogger you place on a pedestal was also once starting out as a blogger.

Don’t think that someone doesn't want to speak to you. They might be dealing with their own anxiety or networking with a brand or catching up with a friend they've not seen in ages. As mentioned, I was on the receiving end of someone being disappointed when they met me – and that hurt.

Go up and say hello!

A blogger recently told me they sat at the same table as me for a day-long event but was too shy to talk to me. So I didn’t get to discover how awesome she is, and she told me she left regretting not saying hi.

Don't be too shy to talk to someone you admire online in person- just go up and say hi. It makes me sad when other bloggers tell me they were too scared to talk to me – because I genuinely want to meet so many wonderful people. Speaking of, I caught up with Clare recently - I love this lady and don't see her often enough!

Make time to catch up.
If you really want to catch up with someone there (and not sure if you will get time or be confident walking up saying hello), send them a tweet or PM beforehand saying 'I love what you do and hope to see you at Problogger, fancy a coffee at 8 am?'. They’ll probably be really flattered and love to spend time with you. Catching up might lead to opportunities like guest posting or collaboration on exciting projects!

I have this personal motto that might seem a little up myself – but it’s something I try to follow at conferences. ‘Make myself known to those who need to know me.’ So, if there’s an editor I want to pitch myself to, or a brand representative that I’d love to work with, I’ll go chat with them, give them my business card and tell them I really like their work.

Don’t be haunted by the comparison thief.
It’s easy to feel like everyone’s doing so much more than you! Blog conferences showcase speakers who have had oodles of success – making a full time wage, getting a book deal, speaking at amazing international events, partnering with global brands, getting ten thousand hits a day, nailing SEO… You might leave feeling deflated. Or you could leave feeling inspired. I just want you to leave feeling that you and your blog are enough. If 100 people read your blog a week, that’s enough. If someone has written to you to tell you you’ve helped them, that makes blogging worthwhile.

Take some time out for you.

Blogging conferences can be overwhelming. So many people! So much information and advice to take in. And I’ve felt a real sense of evangelism being surrounded by people who just it. They just get blogging and personal branding and social media for social good. I also tend to live tweet every session I attend, which makes me concentrate really hard. By 3.00 pm, I feel burnt out.

So it’s nice to retreat to my hotel room, spend some time at the bar or pool with a friend, or even taking a few deep breaths in the toilet (even if it means being discovered by a fangirl – which is REALLY flattering, seriously!).

Don’t try to do it all at a blogging conference. Skip a session each day. Zone out on the plane before and after the event. Get some good food into you. Order room service. Hug a friend. Be yourself.

I’m booking a manicure this year. I just want to be pampered.

Are you going to Problogger? Any tips? Please say hello!

Click here for more blogging tips.

A friend indeed. Internet friends are the same as real life friends.

I had written 1000 words on online friendship, and then I lost it. The app crashed. Which doesn't represent the nature of online friendships in my experience. (Salvaged words are never as good as original words, even when they come with double the thinking. But they'll do.)

The friends you meet online are real. The boundaries of "in real life" and on the Internet are broken. The relationships formed online are just as strong as those I've formed at university or the workplace or at a band. And the loss of an Internet friend can hurt just as much as a break up with a friend you've spent years with. Some people don't believe in the validity of online friendships. They're just an avatar. Do you know what they're really like? But I believe in them.

Even though someone I met online and loved for more years than it was worth lied to me about his entire life for six years, I'm not afraid to meet a friend from the Internet. It's not a great unknown anymore.

The Internet allows me many types of friendships. I communicate with people who I see in person on a regular basis. I keep in touch with those I don't see so often. Internet friends have become real life friends. Some real life friends don't set finger or cast an eye on the Internet. And there are many friends I've never met but talk to online most days. And just because I've never met someone in person, doesn't mean I don't value them as much as the ones I've spent years with. Online friends are always there. And they understand the nature of online friendships, never dismissing them.

The gorgeous Nathalie from Easy Peasy Kids - who I've met at various blogging events and talk to online - sent me a beautiful bunch of flowers and a purple unicorn the other day. Such a surprise that brought me happy tears. It's pretty special to get a hand delivered gift from an online friend. Thank you Nathalie :)

Many friends I've met online are friends I now see on a regular basis. My best friends. Like Cam and Tash - our meetings ALWAYS involve food. Guaranteed.

I met Yvonne in Bristol just before my Appearance Matters talk. She and I have been Facebook friends for a couple of years, but before then, I only knew her through the Christmas cards she'd send each year. The best thing is that my Dad and Yvonne are massive Liverpool fans and they used to go to Liverpool matches together in the UK in the 1970s. Dad hasn't seen Yvonne since 1976 - and this year they'll be meeting for the first time in nearly 40 years when Liverpool play Melbourne Victory! So excited for them - and so pleased we connected online.

Some friends I've met in my day job, through working in virtual teams across the country. We call each other for work advice, to debrief and chat on our messenger system. Dane is one of those friends - I had to call him as a part of my day job six or seven years ago, we've kept in touch ever since, and we finally met in real life in March. He is the loveliest.

I also met Tamsin in real life that night - she's the editor of Kiki and Tea - also a colleague if you like. We met initially on Mamamia as commenters and then our friendship flourished on Twitter. Again, she was so lovely in real life. Dane also walked Tamsin back to her bus and they had quite the conversation which she blogged about. :)

One windy Wednesday I met Friday (confused?!) who happened to be in Melbourne from Brisbane. She's a blogger and disability activist, doing wonderful things in her No Permit No Park initiative. Though our time together was only a lunch hour, we talked non stop and still chat most days on Twitter.

Last year a blogger friend Linda messaged me telling me she'd bought tickets to see The Living End in Melbourne on a whim (she's from Perth - and TLE's biggest fan ever) and asked if I wanted to come. We dined at Movida and Fonda, and watched The Living End Play. We also met earlier this year when she came to Melbourne to chase a band again (I LOVE her fandom!). Linda is an amazing writer, and we've bonded over blogging, Darren Hayes and our visible differences. I'm so glad I met this lady!

I was 100% myself when meeting these Internet friends in real life. Unlike some of the awkward Internet dating experiences, I didn't ever feel the need to explain myself or apologise for myself in any way. They already got to know me in great depth online.

I understand the apprehension people may have meeting friends from the Internet in real life. Here's my advice:

• Meet in a public place or in a group the first time you meet.
• While I don't think you should lower your expectations, I do think you need to be mindful that your friend may be a little different in person to what they are online. They may be quieter or louder or just the same. That's ok.
• Be yourself. Isn't that what brought you together as friends in the first place? If you feel stuck for words, chat about the things you chat about online. I swear it's more fun when you can laugh together.

If there's an online friend you want to meet in real life, I encourage you to do it. In most experiences I've had, the real life meeting has strengthened the friendship.

I love how the Internet allows us to meet people with common interests through search terms, blog posts, mutual friends and conversations. I also love how it enables us to meet people we may never stumble across in our daily lives. How often do you chat to the man sitting across from you on the train? How often do you make friends with a stranger on the Internet?

Have you met your Internet friends in person? Did you become closer? What advice would you give people wanting to meet their friends from the Internet?

-

Yesterday Essential Baby picked up one of my Ichthyosis Awareness Month stories - my Mum's story. I made it into a Two of Us type feature. So proud that we are published together on Fairfax. Read it here.

Also, I'm over on iVillage today.

Thanks for having me :)

Happy Friday! It's my first work from home day today - I've got a list and I'm going to get stuff done.

 

Warning: the following pictures may evoke food envy. Dessert feast.

I never thought one of my most pleasurable experiences would be in a cafe in Windsor with a group of women. My senses are now yearning for those moments of spooning. Spooning luscious mouthfuls of high quality desserts, resulting in moaning and climaxing in a sugar hangover.

Everything about our Dessert Feast at Windsor Deli last Friday night was perfect. The company (a group of lovely Melbourne bloggers, organised by Kate),, the host (Katrina Higham), the drinks (prosecco, and beautiful softdrinks of elderflower, pineapple and ginger), the serving ware (jars, vintage cutlery, paper straws) and the table settings. Oh the table settings! Look at these flowers. I didn't care about my hayfever, my itchy eyes and sniffles were brought on by the beauty of these dainty posies.

I took two photos of bloggers. My priority was taking photos of the food and flowers. I apologise. I sat next to the gorgeous Kirrily from Sunny Side Up.

And across from Renee (About a Bugg), Suz (Sergovia Suz) and Sharon (Twitchy Corner).

Naomi (Under the Yardarm) and Sandra ($120 Food Challenge) were also at my table. We laughed and sighed and talked and sighed some more over the food.

Pastry chef extraordinaire Matthew Forbes put together a special degustation menu for us. Comprising only dessert. We were in sugary, dairy heaven. I hadn't seen elaborate pastry cheffery in action before, and so it was a treat to witness Matt's talents. So clever, so delicious.

I still couldn't stop admiring the flowers. When I grow up and become a better housekeeper, this is what I want to do.

The only savoury course was a palate cleanser - a jar of verjus sorbet with cucumber - think of a fancy cucumber raita you get with Indian takeaway. Tangy, creamy and crunchy. I heard Naomi say "is there any more" as she scraped her spoon at the bottom of the jar. Yum!!

Next up was sorrel and celery creamy whats its (I can't descibe them any better than that) with sheep's yoghurt and honeycomb. And clover. Too pretty to eat. But we ate it. So good. I liked the savoury, grassy aspect of the sorel, celery and clover. It was a bit like having a green smoothie for dessert.

Now this was my favourite course. Ladies at our table sighed, moaned and exclaimed "I don't want this to end". I do believe it was better than...

It was a bowl of tangy rhubarb salad (stewed and raw grated), white chocolate cream (thich and dense, lining the bowl), milk cookie crumbles, and Sechzuan icecream (tasted white peppery). Oh my god. I can't even. This was as good as the Momofuku dessert, if not better.

Matt and his assistant took great care in preparingnthe last main course, while us bloggers reveled in the delight of having just dessert for dinner.

This was a share plate (a wedge of slate) that looked amazing. We all busily took photos before tucking in. It was chocolate ganache quenelles, licorice icecream quenelles, pear, choclate crumb, meringue and fennel. See that silvery sponge looking stuff? That was silver meringue!!

Look at the detail! Mini Christmas trees!

Our after dinner chocolate was salted caramel and cardamom truffles, served on grated dark chocolate. The truffles were oozy and rich and salty and their goodness may have made grown women cry.

Finally, a nightcap of white chocolate and malt milkshake. Really subtle but so delicious. I did not expect to like this one given I don't drink plain milk but I wanted more!

I had such a wonderful night - I was not able to talk to all the bloggers due to time limits, but after dinner I had lovely chats with Pip, Jody, Cherie and Jane.

I love dessert and I love blogging and I came away from the feast so happy blogging has enabled me to do fun stuff like this and especially make all these new friends. It was a good end to a tough week.

If you go on Instagram and Twitter and search the hashtag #dessertfeast, you can see more photos and commentary.

Thanks Matt, Katrina, Kate and the other wonderful bloggers. What a beautiful night :)

Note: I was not paid to write this post. I paid for my own meal, great value at $45.