I had to ensure that my woe is me post wasn't front and centre for a week. I didn't want visitors - or god forbid - people who know me - to think I am always sad. Because I am not. But I think emotions can falter, and hell, my strength is part of what got me into this mess.
So I've been looking for meaning in everything. Star signs. Calendars. The awful thoughts when I am alone. I feel like songs were just written about me. Or by me in another life.
There's the obvious and current Gotye which sort of applies:
"But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing"
And then there's this gem, the track after the obvious. Gotye's Eyes Wide Open.
The chorus makes me think about what I've done. Knowing the outcome and danger of the situation and doing it anyway. And I think of the well intentioned advice received, and how I was headstrong. I never convinced myself I was fearless. I was shit scared of the reality. Gotye sums it up well: "And the saddest thing is all of it could have been avoided."
I walked the plank with my eyes wide open.
"So this is the end of the story
Everything we had, everything we did
Is buried in dust
And this dust is all that's left of us
And only a few ever worried
While the signs were clear
They had no idea
You just get used to living in fear
Or give up
When you can't even picture your future
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open we
(walk the plank with our eyes wide open we)
Yeah we walk the plank with our eyes wide open we
(walk the plank with our eyes wide open we)
Some people offered up answers
We made out like we heard
They were only words
They didn't add up
To a change in the way we were living
And the saddest thing
Is all of it could have been avoided
But it was like to stop consuming's to stop being human
And why'd I make a change if you won't?
We're all in the same boat
Staying afloat for the moment
We walk the plank with our eyes wide open
(walk the plank with our eyes wide open we)
And we walk the plank with our eyes wide open we
(walk the plank with our eyes wide open we)
With our eyes wide open we
We walk the plank, we walk the plank
"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness" ~ Somebody that I used to know, Gotye feat Kimbra
When I did my Hack interview a couple of weeks ago, I told journalist Alex Mann that I prepared myself for talking about love by listening to the saddest love songs I had on my iPod that morning. Songs by Angus and Julia Stone mostly. Alex said it's funny how when we think of love we don't immediately go for the happiest love songs.
Despite how sad the lyrics are, they can lift me up. Listening to sad
love songs is a form of empathy. It's reassuring to know that someone as
popular, talented and good looking as my musical idols have experienced
some of the heartbreak and longing I have. And there's also the
fleeting moment of me thinking 'he's single, I'm single, we've both been
hurt by love, we can be soulmates...' Um. No.
We discussed how it's like the lyrics of sad songs were written to fit our exact situations. Like this one:
"Here I go.
I'd tell you,
but you already know.
If you love me, with all of your heart.
If you love me, I would make you a star in my universe.
you'll never have to go to work.
you'll spend everyday, shining your light my way." ~ For You, Angus and Julia Stone
Or this one:
"How many days am I gonna regret you?
How many nights till I forget you?
Have I been wasting all those years
Held down by these tears
How many dreams have I left deserted?
How many hopes have been diverted?
Have I been buried in the dirt
Held down by this hurt
And how many lows did I let you highjack
How many ways can I study the playback
How did I end up lying here
Crying underneath a Dublin sky?" ~ Dublin Sky, Darren Hayes
Alex and I also talked about what my ideal romance would be like. Dates at concerts and laughing and cuddles and happiness I guess. I told him that I often idealise the thought of love, rather than the relationship itself. That I tend to create this illusion of what he might really be like in my mind, and in reality, he's not. And I said I am a bit like the Seeker Lover Keeper song:
"I love you
more when I’m missing you...
I think I was born to be
in a state of longing
Born to be wanting wanting
I put in a
letter for you
I love the danger in distance..." ~ Even though I'm a Woman, Seeker Lover Keeper
I quite like missing someone. And I thought I was the only one. But I stand in good company with singer-songwriters Blasko, Seltmann and Throsby with being content with yearning.
This week I discovered the beautiful song, Somebody that I Used to Know by Gotye feat Kimbra. Gotye is the music I've been missing. I don't know how it escaped my radar, but hearing Somebody that I Used to Know reminded me of Gotye's 2006 gem Heart's A Mess. Its dramatic moans, eery bleeps and bleeding lyrics mirrored my heart
back then. I'd play it on repeat, pining for my (yet again) unrequited love, never making a move. I'd drive home from his house in the dark hours, analysing every move that nearly happened, singing my lungs out. I am never as dramatic as when I am yearning for a boy.
Somebody that I Used to Know has similar sentiments. It'd be good to play after a breakup. Perhaps this is the quiet man's You Oughta Know? A few lyrics resonate with me, not that I am in that broken up place now, but my heart does ache, and I am both yearning to be loved and for everything to be ok (heavily weighted to the latter).
"Now and then I think of when we were
together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
(Somebody)
I used to know
(Somebody)
Somebody that I used to know
(Somebody)
I used to know
(Somebody)
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
I used to know
That I used to know
I used to know
Somebody"
