New touch. Life after skin hunger.

I've been experiencing new touch. I realise I'm far from experiencing skin hunger now. I can't even remember what it's like to yearn for touch after doing so for years. It's like this frequent touch has erased all loneliness.

He holds me so tight I might burst. My love is so willing and eager to touch me - day and night. Sometimes I've pushed him away, because I'm not in the mood - and then I feel guilty because of just how unreserved he is, and remember how much I wanted this touch.

My boy has been touching my face. He makes my ear tickle - I only know what it feels like to have skin removed from outside and in my ear. That's clinical touch, never pleasurable touch. (Except for the surgical removal of skin - that feels amazing! I joked to him that having my ears cleaned out at the hospital feels so good that we might have to introduce a surgical ear vacuum into the bedroom.)

He feels the contrast of an oily face in the day and a dry rough and flaky face in the morning. There are a few hours in the evening when my face is at an equilibrium - relaxed enough to be paler and supple, and the cream is soaked in.He caresses my face with the same tenderness - no matter how my skin feels or looks. He says I'm most beautiful in the morning before a shower. I still don't believe him.

If only we could see ourselves as our partners do, hey?

-

Abu Dhabi airport was a caring experience. I had a brief stop there on my flight home from London.

After going through security upon arrival, I was ushered silently to a seating area where I was gestured to wait. I was so worried, not sure why I placed in a holding area, and really wanted to have a shower in the two hour stop between flights. Finally a senior security officer called the doctor for me, to see if I was ok after the flight from London. I told him I didn't need one and that I'm always red. He thanked me and smiled and let me go. While it was initially a little scary and I envisaged all sorts of tabloid border security TV show type situations happening to me.

I had a shower. The lovely cleaner attending the bathroom said she had a 12 hour shift ahead of her. She works 12 hour days in that toilet block with only one day off a month. We chatted and she told me she was from Uganda, working at the airport and thinks of her family back home every minute of the day. She asked me if I was going to dry my hair, and then ushered me to sit on her chair under the hand dryer. She then - without hesitation - dried my hair with her hands, so gently and thoroughly. What a wonderful woman. I hope she gets home to see her family soon.

It was so nice. I know that I must seem to always be banging on about how people perceive my skin/appearance, but when something like this happens - when a stranger touches me with no hesitation or questions or fear, it is amazing.

-

I've had two manicures while on holiday. One in Earls Court - just because I wanted to rest and be pampered, and one in Melbourne. While a couple of questions were asked - "is that eczema?" - the makeup artists provided the same level of service to me as they did to the other clients. That sounds like a silly, paranoid statement I know, but hesitation and a low quality haircut and interaction has been my experience at hairdressers.

I never wanted anyone else to touch my hands. While my hands and nails are beautifully shaped like my mother's, and quite soft and not very lizardy, I never want people to be put off by loose skin or the oiliness. I don't want someone to think that I'm contagious, and I don't know how to tell them that I'm not if there's a language barrier.

These two manicures were lovely - relaxing and pampering - and my nails looked great. I feel like I've gotten over my fear of rejection and recoiling of hand holding by nail technicians. And now I'm addicted to manicures - off to have another very soon! I might make it a regular thing. I've also had some consultations with hairdressers and makeup artists at a wedding fair - and they were so amazing! I said to Cheryl that I was so happy with the consultation that I felt 'normal'. Normal you know!

-

Through reading others' experiences about Ichthyosis and also writing my own, I've delved into some difficult times of my past. I've been thinking about how my oily cream has been an inconvenience to some people in my life. I've constantly felt guilty about getting my cream on other people when hugging them and touching them. This was probably because of how people have reacted to it - people close to me even - complaining about my cream staining their clothes and cleaning up immediately after I have touched something in their home. This really hurt. I'm not sure whether people realise the impact of this 'inconvenience' on them.

While I know that getting things oily is something that is just a part of me, the reaction and complaints from others is the reason I feel guilty today. It's the reason I'm hesitant about giving hugs. I always rub my cream off Adam's face, and brush my skin from his clothes. He tells me never to apologise about me getting my cream on him, because that's the way it is. But I will always remember how those around me used to react and feel annoyed about my cream, so I will always apologise.

-

I've realised that while I'm not a fan of the term 'normal' and feel proud confident in my own skin (and every piece I leave behind), I still have to build my confidence when it comes to touch. I'm so glad Adam has taken my hand and helped me overcome my own reservations of being touched.

 

My skin hunger has been satisfied.

I've written a lot about how my skin was hungry. Hungry for moisture, but also hungry for touch. For so long I yearned to be touched - dreaming of the times to come, remembering how long it had been since. Skin hunger is sensory deprivation, and it's proven to result in a failure to thrive.

And now, I am touched, often.

My boy, he wants to touch me, and he doesn't hold back for fear he might hurt me, or that much of me will end up on him (it's inevitable with Ichthyosis).

He can't get close enough, asking me to stop what I'm doing for a hug, holding my hand when we walk and drawing me close when we stop to wait for traffic to pass.

My skin hunger being satisfied has changed my life. At times my skin feels as smooth as his. I don't wake up as scaly as I used to and I haven't had an infection for months. Touch really does soothe it. Loving touch is healing. It's more than pleasurable, it's life-giving.

I'm a marsupial in the warm pouch of his arms.

I fall asleep on his chest, my ear hearing that his heart beats fastest when I'm close.

He's the big spoon and I'm the little one, my body shining with warmth.

His touch is a salve - as critical to my needs as my cream is.

Some have said I'm glowing since I've found this love.

I think he's my sunshine, making me glow, and grow.

My skin hunger is satisfied and it's most wonderful. I'm thriving.

Visit my series on skin hunger:

Untouched

Skin hunger

Interview with sex worker Rachel Wotton

This skin, it's hungry

Interview on ABC Radio National Life Matters

 

This skin, it's hungry.

you cling to me like a koala on my back,

warm and close,

arms encircling my paper bark trunk.

our limbs play, like intertwining branches,

tickling infinity,

delivering each other stars.

we doze, full of eucalyptus love,

concave like gum leaves,

i will store this memory

in deserted knots for the winter.

I wrote that poem many years ago, towards the end of a relationship. It was falling apart, but still, we clung together, him like a koala on my back - warm, close and sleepy. I knew we were coming to an end, and told myself those memories would be there when he wasn't. In the cold winter.

Storing the memory of touch for the winter. Like jars of bottled summer fruits, full of sunshine and bursts of flavour, mouthfuls transporting you back to the warm months. Only, now, I think I've run out. My bear suit is thinning. My jars of peaches are low in stock. And the tree's knots are almost deserted, ready to be nests for avian couplings.

The touch I encounter regularly is solo - a necessary oil-slick, and sometimes gloved and clinical, punctuated by medical terms such as erythrodermic and cellulitis.

I've shaken a lot of hands lately. Networking. But that's not satiating my skin hunger. I'm yearning for proper touch. And the irony of it all is I am surrounded by more people than ever, feeling loved and wanted, yet skin hunger is quite a lonely existence. It's empty and prickly and I wrap myself up in my blanket tighter each night.

A toddler on the tram clung to her bear, and I wondered when it stopped being ok for adults to carry around a toy, just to cling to something, to hold something close.

Touch is nurturing, regenerative. It's like the human equivalent of photosynthesis, allowing us to flourish. Sometimes standing out can black out the light, rendering a sense of the untouchable, consequently creating sensory deprivation. Without touch it's hard to flourish.

I try so hard to remember. It's two weeks or so since I've hugged someone hard. He gives the best bear hugs, and is generous with them too. It's getting harder when the space between touch grows longer. I imagine this how the princess felt, trying to feel the pea below the stack of mattresses. You can't bring out touch to evoke nostalgia. It's not like a smell or a meal to bring back a memory. Even your song isn't the same as the hug you gave me when you left. Nothing ever compensates.

With everyone I meet, I am bursting with the expectation of tactile possibilities. I hope and I hope, hanging awkwardly, unsure if I should initiate the first touch. This skin, it's hungry.

 

The hug from a stranger. Skin hunger - part 3

It's been a big week for my little blog. Firstly, thank you to everyone who visited, shared and commented on my "skin hunger" posts. So many visitors have stopped by! I have received such a wonderful response to those posts, especially to my own personal story. There was also great discussion generated on both posts. Readers have told me their own experiences related to skin hunger - SO many empathise. It's a privilege as a blogger to know my writing creates a sense of trust in my readers - enough trust to open up to me themselves. Thank you everyone.

Work has also been so busy. I took this photo from the office as I stayed back a bit later than usual last night.

I went out last night - it was a late night of eating, drinking and watching comedy, and now I feel a little worse for wear on a work day. It was a bit of a tweet up at Softbelly Comedy Club in the city - Clare, a friend who I'd met on Twitter a few years ago due to our mutual love for Bob Evans - had dinner with me at 1000 £ Bend before the show.We both ate pork and bean quesadillas.

We were there to see half of my favourite podcast duo - Mel Buttle (from Mel and Patience from The Grates' podcasts The Minutes and You're Welcome). We got to Softbelly early - as they sell the show on a first come first served basis. (Last night they turned 50 people away!) When we walked in, a lovely girl stopped us and said "You're Carly! I talk to you on Twitter!" It turns out this lady was Leisha who I've been talking to because we are both fans of Mel and Patience's podcasts and we are both going to New York soon. Leisha was there with her husband.

The comedy show featured a range of Australian comedians - Mel Buttle plus Glenn Robbins and Tom Gleeson, and a few other up and comers.It was a lot of fun, and good to have a weeknight outing.Here is Glenn Robbins. We chatted about my old man crush on Mick Molloy. Tom Gleeson was very good dealing with a heckler.

Mel Buttle was very funny. She does great voice impersonations.

In the break I walked to the bar to get a drink and two girls smiled at me. After I got my water, they stopped me and asked if I was Carly. One of the girls, Bonnie, said she had tweeted me in the day telling me she's off to see Mel Buttle too. She also said she read my skin hunger post, and gave me a hug!! I was SO excited! She and her friend were so unreserved in speaking to me and when we hugged, it was a lovely feeling. And then she told me she read my post about sex too! Awkward! Gosh it felt strange for stranger to know so much about me! We talked for about 10 minutes - the girls were so nice! How funny I got a hug after putting it out there that I want to be touched more!

After the show we had another drink, and then hung out with Mel for half an hour or so - she's funny, lovely and so intelligent. I guess I was like the stranger who gave me a hug in Mel's company, knowing a lot about had due to her podcast, and discussing her stories with her.

It was a great night!

Again, thank you again for all your support on this blog.

Here's Leisha, her husband, Clare and I with Mel Buttle :)

Interview with sex worker Rachel Wotton - Skin hunger part 2.

I never thought I'd be interviewing a sex worker in my writing career. But everyone has an amazing story, especially when they are helping others. (Please note, this blog post is probably not suitable for people under the age of 18.) This is part two of my skin hunger series. You can read part one here.You can also read Untouched here, which is what got me thinking about skin hunger. 

A few months ago I was listening to a podcast from ABC radio between Rachel Wotton and Richard Fidler. It was one of the most interesting interviews I've ever heard, and I really wanted to do an interview with Rachel myself, for this blog. I was struck by her empathy, compassion and dedication. She was so well spoken. I contacted Rachel by email immediately after the interview, and spoke to her a few days later. I asked her for an interview as I am so interested in the concept of skin hunger.

(source)

Rachel is a sex worker, and some of her clients are people with disabilities. Rachel help set up Touching Base, a charitable organisation that gives people with disabilities access to sex workers. From the Touching Base website:

"Touching Base developed out of the need to assist people with disabilities and sex workers to connect with each other, focusing on access, discrimination, human rights and legal issues and the attitudinal barriers that these two marginalised communities can face."

Touching Base provides people with disabilities and their carers information about how to access sex workers, as well as providing disability education to sex workers, and training for the disability service providers. 

A documentary called Scarlet Road aired on Australian TV last year, and Rachel tells me it's just aired on TV in Switzerland and in film festivals in Canada. Scarlet Road showcases Rachel's work with her clients, and highlights the positive difference she makes to her clients' lives.

 (source)

About 18 months ago, I did a radio interview on 3CR about sex and dating. I was asked about my thoughts on people with disabilities using sex workers. To be honest, I was quite confronted by this question. I was not prepared for it, and my personal view was that I wouldn't use one. However, after some thought, the Scarlet Road documentary and Rachel's interview on ABC, I could see the role of sex workers in ensuring people with disabilities have access to sex and intimacy. I came to realise that sex workers are equally about companionship and intimacy as they are about sex. And Rachel's interview with Richard Fidler and also with me really demonstrated the way two marginalised communities come together.

Sex is often a taboo topic among families and carers of people with disabilities. There is sometimes the assumption that people with disabilities are asexual and do not want or need sex or intimacy. It can also be difficult for people with disabilities to access sex.

Here's Rachel's story. Thank you for your time Rachel, I appreciate it.

Carly: Why do you take care of people with disabilities?

Rachel: "I do not "take care of" people with disabilities - I merely treat everyone with dignity and respect and that includes my clients. Some of my clients just happen to be living with disability so I just modify my services to best fit their needs.

I find people very interesting - the things that are similar in all humans and also the 'uniqueness' of each person. This flows into my work. Every scar tells a story. Every client teaches me something - whether it be about the kind of work they do, their hobby, where they went on holidays, what music they're listening to, the wine they like to drink... I am also learning more about how to best provide services to clients with disability via my clients. They know their bodies best and how they can and can't move. They teach me about their limitations and how they have learned to adapt. I have also learned a lot about how modern technology has assisted so many people to communicate - the iPad has given so many people the freedom to directly communicate with others in such quick and easy ways. It's amazing!"

Tell me about some of the intimate services you provide, and why are these so important? Keep in mind my blog is M rated! I really like your discussion about touch and hair washing on Richard Fidler's show.

"I provide a range of services to my clients depending on their needs. Yes, I spoke about the simple beautiful appreciation of just being able to touch another person and the joy of washing someone's hair on the Richard Fidler show. I know that people also take the sheer joy of spooning for granted but a lot of people never get to experience what it's like to have another naked body up against yours. Everyone has their own thing that makes them happy. The main thing is always about consent. People get so caught up in what sex workers provide and to whom and when and how much but it really isn't anyone's business. It is a mutually consenting service between two adults.

I do like to stress though that seeing a sex worker for many people with a disability is just one of many options for someone to pursue sexual expression. I never advocate this as the only option but it is an option that shouldn't be taken away from someone just because others are morally opposed to it or it isn't for them. It's about choice. Just because someone has a disability doesn't mean they should suddenly lose the right to be treated as an adult when it comes to matters of sexual expression."

How do you define skin hunger?

"Skin hunger - you can google it and come up with a lot of people writing about it -  ie: an Urban Dictionary definition and Dawn Lees.

As you would have heard me talk about on Richard's show - we are bombarded with information to eat well, exercise daily, don't drink too much, stop smoking etc. Everyone forgets that the skin in the largest organ of the body. Some people are lucky enough to always hug and kiss their friends and family hello and good bye. Others are more isolated and perhaps are working in a world where they only shake peoples' hands. Others have no other regular contact with other humans at all. Skin hunger to me is the craving of regular touch from others in a caring way. Even a regular therapeutic massage or scalp massage from your hairdresser can make you feel buoyant and more in touch with your body. That in turn can awaken a desire for a deeper level of intimacy or touch from another in a more sexual way. I, as a sex worker, provide services to consenting adults who wish to spend some quality time with a woman which can include being intimate with me. I get to put a smile on someone's face and make them feel good about themselves. To me this is a great job!"

How do you change the perception and stereotype of sex workers?

"There are many sex workers and our allies across the globe trying to change peoples' perception of sex workers and our clients. Consenting to be a part of Scarlet Road is my small contribution to making people stop and consider the issues from a different angle. I wanted people to 'walk a mile' in my own shoes and see what I see.

In the film you can see some of the amazing and talented sex workers and friends in my life. You see the diverse range of people involved in the sex industry. We come in all shapes and sizes, different ages, work and live in different countries. Yet we all fight for Decriminalisation. This is the only regulatory framework that treats the sex industry equally to other occupations and also removes the police from the equation. The police cannot be their to do their job (to fight crime, take reports from the public about crimes committed against them and apprehend criminals) if they are also the ones regulating and 'policing' the sex industry and treating us as criminals.

The abhorrent "Swedish Model" laws that, among other things, criminalise the clients treats all sex workers as victims without the ability to consent. The Swedish Government says that there is no such thing as consensual sex work and all clients rape us.This is insulting and demeaning. Scarlet Road clearly shows that this is NOT how the sex industry operates and that sex workers are quite capable in articulating what with keep us safe, eliminate corruption and give us our Industrial Rights, provide good and concise Occupational Health & Safety guidelines and protect our Human Rights.

People have such a black ideology about who is involved in the sex industry and what's involved. I always try to normalise it to what it is. People are going to bars and going online to dating and pick up sites to get a date and to have sex. No one cares how many times a week their neighbour has sex or who they are doing it with. No one cares about who is or isn't using a condom and certainly no one cares to monitor if anyone at the bars and clubs and online is every getting an STI check up. Suddenly when you actually say that you are calmly negotiating what you will and wont do with the other person, arrange a mutually beneficial time to meet, have a clear discussion about safer sex practices and just happen to put a monetary value on this exchange - THEN people get their knickers in a twist and feel that they have the right to talk about you. They suddenly feel that they are threatened by you and suddenly that both the clients and the sex workers need to be in isolation far away from everyone else in the public. Yet people forget that we ARE part of the general public. We ARE the parents at the P & C meetings, we ARE the people buying milk at Coles, we ARE your neighbours, we ARE someone's son or daughter, we ARE sitting next to you in the cinema.

So, I always try to normalise things. People try to talk about the sex industry like it's the worse thing in the world but people are having sex all the time and no one cares about that. It seems that it's ok to give it away for free but if you add money to the bedside table suddenly it becomes a horrible experience in their eyes. It's not for everyone but then that can be said for every occupation. Personally I would hate to be a garbage collector because I hate getting up in the morning so early! I'd hate to be a pilot because I'm afraid of heights. I couldn't stand being a bank teller ... but I'm very glad someone else is doing that job so there's people there at the bank each day. I don't spend very much time cooking so I'm very thankful that if I choose to go to a restaurant or order take away that there are people there happy and willing and able to provide those services for me. AND I PAY THEM for such services. This is no different for sex workers and our clients. The only difference is that the garbage collectors, the pilots, the chefs and the bank tellers all have laws supporting them and the public who do not overtly discriminate against them for their occupational choice."

Listen to Rachel's interview with Richard Fidler. 
Read more about Scarlet Road.
Read more about Touching Base.
View Rachel's website.

Skin hunger

(source)

Last year I wrote the blog post I am most proud of - Untouched. Untouched was born from a conversation between me and the man I love/d. The conversation was about the crave for human touch. Writing it brought tears to my eyes as I wrote it, and left my heart heaving. The part at the end where I refer to sleeping in a man's arms is about my time with that man I love/d. I keep changing the tense of the way I feel. Love vs loved. I think I still love him. In an Alanis-like moment, he changed his Facebook profile picture today - a picture of his hands. Those hands that held me and made me feel so wanted.

Writing Untouched took such emotion. I felt worn out after the final key stroke. But the comments lifted me up, especially from him (he was so moved by the post he wrote that he was going to save it to look back on) - I didn't realise how much it would resonate with people. I look back on it and think about how I considered every word, and how the sense of touch really makes me feel. I also think about how much I helped the man I love/d and am bittersweet that I gave him some confidence and belief in himself to find a new love.

My Dad read that post, and it was very awkward as he said he worried that I was not being touched enough! When I saw Dad next, he gave me a big hug and said he didn't realise that I missed being touched.

I think about touch a lot. I think about how long it's been since. I don't get touched a lot, and when I do, it feels amazing, and sometimes heightened, even just a tap on the shoulder. It's not necessarily sexual touch that I crave, it's just the feel of skin on skin that I want. A hand held, a hug. I've got skin hunger.

"Skin hunger is the desire or craving to be touched, usually after a period of deprivation...Skin hunger is a relatively new term that has been applied to the emotional response engendered by the loss of touch in our society. One of the five basic senses, touch is the only one deemed essential to human life. During WW II babies in orphanages developed Failure to thrive or even died when deprived of human contact. In a classic study by Harry Harlow, newborn monkeys were taken from their biological mothers and given surrogates made of either wire or soft terry cloth. The baby monkeys consistently chose the soft mother even when deprived of nourishment. The need for bonding outweighed even the basic necessity of food". (As stated here)

This document discusses skin hunger quite well, and so does The art of love and intimacy. And Dawn Lee also discusses how it is a psychological condition.

I didn't know that skin hunger was an actual condition until I read about it on Lori's blog. I am glad I know that what I feel (or in this case, don't) is real.

As I wrote in Untouched, I do believe that having a skin condition like mine means people are scared of touching. Scared they may hurt the person with the skin condition, and maybe scared of getting dirty or catching it. I see others touching things I've touched - they do so gingerly, and with pincers. That sometimes hurts to see, so I pretend I didn't see, in case it makes them feel uncomfortable. It is human nature, even for me, not to want to touch something that looks suspicious. And beauty product advertising is about smooth, touchable skin.

Touch validates people. It shows that someone cares. It shows that you're in fact a real human being - physical matter, and not just a concept that doesn't physically exist. Sometimes I wonder if we are all just stardust, and this world's not real, and then the check out chick puts coins in my hand and I feel their fingers on my palm, fleetingly, and I am reminded, I am real. I exist.

I was thinking about touch at my grandfather's funeral as the celebrant read out the eulogy. I can't remember if I've ever really held my grandparents' hands. I don't remember the feel of their silky aged skin on mine. It made me sad that I don't remember, and sadder if I have never held their hands.

About a month ago, I went to the theatre with my friend. In the dark, he dispensed chocolates from a packet into my hand. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. It was innocent, his hand brushing my palm. And all the while I thought about how long it's been since someone has touched my hand. The touch was less than 10 seconds, but it felt like a lifetime.

As my friend and I said goodbye for the second time that night - for I had missed the train by a few seconds - he hugged me like a bear, said "goodbye darling" and kissed me on the cheek, his stubble scratching me in a good way. Let me reiterate - we are only friends - but this touch stayed with me for so long I had to write about it in my notebook (ok my iPhone notes functions) the next day. That's the closest I've been to someone in a long time.

Skin hunger is strange. My skin is my existence - it defines me in a way. I put cream over my whole body twice a day or more. Self touch is not the same as another's touch. And so few people are in contact with my skin. So, when someone does touch me, the sensation is accelerated. Yet in between touches, I don't have a vivid memory of how it feels (as opposed to the vivid memory of the moments the touch took place). I lose so much skin, and it constantly renews. Is it because my skin constantly renews that I can't remember touch? Is it that my skin's renewal makes for a loss of its memory?


Some forms of touch do not satiate my skin hunger. When I was younger my parents would put cream on my body - in addition to hugs. Of course it would be gentle and with love, but it was more of a carer-type of touch than a cuddle. And in hospital, the nurses and doctors would do my dressings and bath me too. Now I usually do what I can in hospital, and the nurses just do my leg dressings. But this touch is different - it's vinyl-gloved, clinical and impersonal. I wonder that because there is the barrier of my creams that the touch doesn't feel the same?

Other forms of touch do satisfy my skin hunger. A kiss on the cheek, a brush of the hand, a warm hug, naked bodies spooning. My Mum's hands, they're soft and always warm, like milky coffee. Our hands are alike, and I remember comparing them when I was small. She combs my scalp like no other, and doesn't mind when I get her clothes greasy or covered in skin.

I really identify with the definition and discussion of skin hunger. I don't initiate touch much, and perhaps I should do it more. Although I don't feel lonely all the time, and certainly not depressed, my skin hunger is quite lonely. I can't remember what intimate touch feels like. Someone give me a hug.

Do you suffer from skin hunger? How do you overcome it?