06 November 2011

Sunday Sessions - Darren Hayes, I don't know you anymore, live from Sydney



I am still on a high from the incredible Darren Hayes concerts this week! It's my last day of holidays today, and I have a little bit of stuff to do. I predict this coming week will be hard to get through without a Darren concert. (There will be a Kings of Leon concert next Sunday though!)

This is one of my highlights from The Secret Tour - the classic I don't know you anymore, from Savage Garden's Affirmation album. Hauntingly beautiful. I recorded this in Sydney.


You can also take part in the Sunday Sessions link up.Head over to Do I really wanna blog? to enter :)

 

04 November 2011

Darren Hayes in Sydney - the full concert and meeting experience



Seeing Darren Hayes live at the Enmore Theatre in Sydney was amazing!







Musically and performance-wise, I think he was more energetic than Melbourne. He jumped around the stage with boyish abandon - punching the air, dancing and running about. His voice was so powerful. The way he danced to the beats of Billie Jean felt so relaxed. “Of course I can dance, I’m gay”, he said, to which the audience erupted into cheers and applause. He was so passionate. I loved it!

I think I took the time to appreciate the music in Sydney, whereas in Melbourne I was overwhelmed by the whole experience - taking everything in. I sang along last night, not too worried about capturing every moment on camera.

My friends and I were in the front row - it was so good to be able to lean on the railing. My legs are like jelly and feet like rocks. I feel asleep on my feet. So very tired.

I adored I don’t know you anymore even more than Wednesday night - I think it’s the vulnerability he showed in it. Such a powerful song.

The absolute highlight of my night was waiting for him outside the venue after the show. We waited for about an hour with around 30 other fans. And the tension built as we waited for Darren, scoping the best vantage point around the van. Security was beefed up. And then his manager arrived, telling us Darren would be out but he lost his voice so he wouldn’t be talking to us but would sign merchandise. And the crowd was warned against screaming, as we were in residential street. And I took note (be very proud).

So Darren came out. And when he reached me, I whispered ‘I love you Darren’, my hand outstretched. He whispered in return ‘I love you too, Carly’, and touched my hand.






Such a precious moment. Amazing. He signed the venue running sheet I got too. And signed my friend’s setlist. He is very giving and lovely. 

I am so incredibly happy. My life is complete. I shed a few tears at his concert, during the Siren's Call and when I met him. Unbelievable.


I can’t explain the feeling I get from loving Darren. Only other fans understand. The energy that surges through me when I experience his music - live or recorded, and the excitement I get from listening to him speak in interviews is so powerful. Today I’ve had a smile in my face as I walked the streets of Sydney, just knowing the night I’ve had.

I wrote him a note on his Facebook wall today:

Thank you Darren for an amazing two shows in Australia. I’m not going to Brisbane but I’m so glad I had the privilege of seeing you twice this tour. You sing amazingly and I love the passion and energy you have on stage.

This album means so much to me - I feel most of the songs were written about some of the things I have experienced. Your lyrics are universal. Seeing you sing it live brought me to tears, at both shows.
Keep making this beautiful music. You and the talent you possess means the world to me and so many others.

And thank you for meeting fans last night. You made my year after I said I love you and you whispered back ‘I love you too’.

Thank you. I love you :)





03 November 2011

Darren Hayes - The Secret Tour - Melbourne 2 November 2011




Darren Hayes made an impressive return to the Australian stage last night on Melbourne. On the back of his newly released Secret Codes and Battleships LP, he made the new songs instant singalong classics. The set was stunning - featuring pictures from his album artwork - balloons, birds, hearts and geometric shapes.


He entered the stage to dramatic opener, Taken By the Sea caring an umbrella, lit up with deep purple. Like a pop star Mary Poppins, complete with Tai Chi moves to the music. Mesmorising.

Current single Bloodstained Heart saw him sing powerfully, reaching high notes. At one point he handed the microphone over to the audience, to sing along to the woahs. 


And he shed a tear, thanking the audience for sticking by him, humbled by the loyalty and sellout show. 
Darren Hayes fans are very loyal, proving this by a queue snaking around the Forum most of the way up Hosier Lane. The crowd was a mixed bunch - screaming women - young and old, husbands, the gay community, and in front of me, a six year old girl whose week couldn’t get any better after seeing Darren and Janet Jackson - twice!

Old favorites, some not heard in years - live or on the radio - were played. To the moon and back had the familiar radio intro, Break Me Shake Me was mashed up with Billie Jean, and Darren sang The Animal Song, citing the lyrics as silly but fun. The classic Savage Garden songs energized the crowd, it was like old times.

His new stuff was just as powerful. Talk Talk Talk provided danceability, Don’t Give Up, Black Out the Sun and Stupid Mistake were wonderful.


Darren also juxtaposed the theatrical with the natural - changing jackets and applying makeup behind a dressing screen, coming out with blue flashing glasses to Pop!ular mixed with Bros’ When will I be Famous?. And then he performed a rare We Are Smug (side project from 2009) song Hot Tub Blues, languishing drunkly over a chair, cheekbones accentuated with makeup and lips like The Joker. 





After this alter ego fueled performance, he was at his most natural, most vulnerable, removing his makeup in front of a light frame, singing an almost a-capella I Don’t Know You Anymore. Hauntingly beautiful.


But it was the finale, The Siren’s Call, right after Truly Madly Deeply, that moved me the most. It is one of the most beautiful songs he has written.



Being at the Darren Hayes concert reminded me of the times I’d seen Savage Garden as a teenager. No worries, no cares. Darren was the only thing that mattered to me in the world. His lyrics are so relateable. I too cried a little, so moved by merely being at the concert, and thinking about how most songs on Secret Codes and Battleships could have been written about my life these past five months. I cried during Talk Talk Talk and also in To the Moon and Back, when he looked my way and smiled that beautiful smile. 



The show was supported by indie act and twitter darling, Brendan Maclean - a camp, costumed singer, performing originals and jazz versions Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. After the show I met Brendan and he recognized me from Twitter and Mama Mia. We had a photo, me in his sparkle jacket.





Darren Hayes setlist

Taken By the Sea
Talk Talk Talk
To the Moon and Back
Don’t Give Up
Insatiable
Bloodstained Heart
The Animal Song
Black Out the Sun
Break Me Shake Me/Bille Jean mashup
Stupid Mistake
Popular/When Will I be Famous
Hot Tub Blues – We are Smug
I don’t know you anymore
Affirmation

Crush/Spin/A DJ Saved My Life/Music
Truly Madly Deeply
The Siren’s Call










02 November 2011

Oldschool Darren Hayes review - Manchester Lane 2007

 
So it's Darren Hayes concert day today! And tomorrow! So excited!
Here's a review of a concert I saw in 2007. March 23 to be exact. His album preview. Enjoy!!
 

Part 1
 
Too tired to blog.  Feel so hungover though I didn't drink. 
Am still collecting my thoughts about Darren.  I've got a book I have been jotting thoughts down in, and also took notes in the show
As a special treat, here is the set list, that Darren said I could have, but I had to argue for with the waiter-wannabe-bouncer.  It's the official set list, that didn't really exist.  Tee hee.
1) Fear
2) Who would have thought
3) Carry on Amadeus (carry on dancing)
4) Unlovable/footsteps on the dancefloor
5) Step into the light
6) Time Machine
7) I like the way
8) Words
9) I want you
10) On the verge
11) Me Myself and I
12) Baby I am popular
encore
13) Void
Oh, he didn't full on pash me by the way.  It was a reach down from the stage and hug and kiss me on the face.  I feel very special.  Tickets put aside by Darren.  A great view from the table and then from the dance floor.  A 'my pleasure' from him on the way in.  And then the hug and kiss.
His new material is really good, lyrically and musically.  His older songs were reworked.  Darren had a lot of energy on stage. It was amazing.  I can't think of a word yet to describe it.  Amazing will have to do for now.
More tomorrow.

Part 2

I'm going to post a blog about my Darren Hayes at Manchester Lane expereince.  An account of my experience rather than a review because to be honest, I can't recall everything about the music due to my overwhelming excitement.

Manchester Lane was to showcase some songs from Darren's upcoming album 'This Delicate Thing We've Made'.  The doorgirl said there were about 150 people who managed to get in.

My friends and I got dressed up and waited outside the venue from around 4:30 pm, hoping to see Darren before he went in for the soundcheck.  There were four girls and a bemused husband in our group.  L, J, T and her husband B.  We all looked stunning in our dresses (Brett didn't wear a dress though). 

I've never seen Darren with full on fans before.  We were all excited, but I think I was physically by far the most enthusiastic.  We stood outside the door behind the barrier, and everytime a car came in the alleyway, I'd run and peer through its window in case Darren was in it.  I think at one stage, a driver waved me off because I was obstructing traffic.
 
We made friends with the security guard, Steve.  I asked him a million questions, and he took a photo of the group of us outside the venue.  I ended up making a documentary on my camera with Steve, interviewing him about how he felt about Darren and the world in general. 

I also spoke to Troy, Darren's hairdresser, and commented on his trousers.  I called them a 'manafore' - meaning male pinafore.  (J deemed them a 'pantafore', which I think is a pretty cool word).  We conceded it's better than a mankini later at the bar.

We managed to see Darren very briefly as his car was up against the door and the crowd of screaming girls (yes, including me) was big.  I did tell my friends that when it comes to Darren, I am all for myself, and true to my word, I ran on my own to see him, not looking if my friends were behind me.  J and T managed to come, but poor L missed out.  Darren makes me turn into a shrieking monster I think, because when he got out of the car, I was shrieking and jumping up and down (the security guard told me they need a screamer there!).  I thanked him for the tickets and he saw me, he said 'my pleasure' and then went into the sound check.  I got one picture, well, he's about 1/8th of the picture and the stripey shirted security guard made up the rest of the picture!  Darren and co went inside for the soundcheck.

J saw Darren standing near the bar in the middle of their soundcheck.  I missed him, but spent a great deal of time with T peering into the window and trying to hear if he was singing.

We were finally let in after 6 pm. Our table was near the front, though there was about three people in front of us on either side of the table.  There were three tables long ways in front of the stage.  The meal was really good, especially the dessert.

In the pre-show music, Angus and Julia Stone's Paper Aeroplane song was featured, so i was very happy about that.

A caberet style singer called Antigone performed about three songs before Darren came on.  She wasn't my cup of tea, but she was a powerful singer.

A short break before Darren came on and everyone was getting excited.  As there were no cameras or recordings allowed, I did the nerdy journalist thing and got some paper out to take notes with.  I ended up jotting down some lyrics and things he said, as well as part of the set list.  I hope that doesn't contravene Darren's recording and posting online requests.

J had warned me that his music was a bit techno, or at least, a bit different to what I may be used to - she had been to the Sydney show.  I was expecting some Chemical Brothers type stuff, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Darren wore a black suit with black sneakers.  The jacket had a strip of contrast trim down the front.

The music was very blippy electronic beat-oriented, despite the use of guitars and drums.
His first song was 'Fear'.  I can't recall too much of it, I do apologise, because I think i was just overwhelmed with him coming on stage.  There was quite a fast paced lead up, and some fast singing.  Not 'I want you' fast,but fast enough to keep up with the beats.

His second song, Who Would Have Thought has been stuck in my head.  One of the lyrics was 'who would have thought it could be this amazing... I had to find you, I had to let you know...and bring me back to you'... There are long verses and a lot of guitar.It sounds like a radio hit, if he actually releases songs from this album onto radio.

The next song, Carry On Dancing was impressive.  I do like the theatrics of this song, in its originality, and to hear it live is always good.  This version was quite rocky.  The setlist says 'Carry On Amadeus'.  Excuse my ignorance, but I don't know what Amadeus is.  In this song I recall Darren dancing around the stage and being very animated with his hands.  He introduced it saying 'this was my favourite song, when I was in That Band'.

'Unlovable' was the next song, kind of acoustic but fast paced at the same time.  Unlovable has always hit me hard, especially seeing the back graphics at his Big Night In show in Sydney last year.  This really made me stop and think.  I know this song is big for Tanya too, and she was listening with great intent.  He also mashed up 'Footsteps on the dancefloor' in the middle of Unlovable.

Darren comented that the front crowd were quite chilled and the back crowd was partying.  he said 'it would be really cool if we could get party and chilled to have sex' and then said something about maybe causing a riot.

'Step into the light' was his next song.  I can only recall one lyric, 'I've never been so in love before'.

Darren also included some anecdotes in the show, they were conversational and very funny.  Not funny because he is darren hayes and he should be laughed at during every funny thing he says.  But genuinely funny.  He told a story of how he was in a vafe with bad service and the waiter apologised saying that Kylie Minogue was in before.  darren said he's obviously not photographed enough. 

He asked people to put their hand up if they didn't know he was gay, and he counted two people.  He then said his mum did not know, and the crowd let out a sympathetic 'awww', to which Darren mocked us. "aww, poor thing, his mum didn't know he was gay'.  he said his clothes in the 1990s should have been a dead giveaway about his sexuality.

He playfully commanded a setlist, which was already in front of him, and did a funny charades type thing with Shave on keys about what the next song could be.

The next song was How to Build a Time Machine, which was my favourite lyrically.  Darren introduced it as one of his favourites,  a song to 'try to drag some joy forward in some way'.  He mentioned his marriage and falling in love and the crowd was extremely receptive for this, letting out a cheer.  I did write a lyric down which I thought was breathtaking, and reminded me of Darren's incredible writing ability.  'I'll tell my reflection it's not your fault'.  Wow.  There was lots of guitar in this song.  And two paces of music.  Lyrically the song was about recalling events in his past and bringing something good from them.


He then sang 'I don't think you're ready for this jelly' before he did a gorgeous acoustic of 'I Like the Way'.  I'm not keen on this on the album, but it was acoustic and the words were somehow more powerful.  There was guitar in this one too.

'Words was his next song - introduced as 'a song about when I've spent all my anger and know I've done the wrong thing'.


I am thinking, as I type this, my notes paid off!  It's good and useful to be a nerd.

He told the audience of how he was thrown out of a Whitney Houston concert because he was disruptive, on his seat, answering Whitney's large calls for dancing to the crowd.  He said the bouncer had him a headlock and also felt up his sister's boobs.

The next song was 'I want you'. And he asked the crowd to stand up and dance.  I stopped taking notes here, and everything went to a mushy state of euphoria because I ran up the front.  I got quite close to the stage, very close in fact.  No one in front.


I want you was fairly traditional.  I loved it.


A girl had a teddy bear and she showed Darren, he grabbed it and tried to destroy it – jumping on it, pulling it, biting it.  He said he 'did everything but have sex with it, it's indestructible'.  In trying to destroy it, he let me tug on the other half of the bear, he pulled so hard I fell onto the stage!  Later he apologised, saying 'sorry about before', I said no problem and I pointed to the newfound set list, asking if I could have it, he said 'of course you can'.  Later I had to argue with the waiter for the set list.

T and L ran up to the front during 'On the Verge'.  J couldn't make it through the chairs in front.  B was minding the bags at the table.

T was so excited.  More excited than me at one stage.  She held my hand during the entire song On the Verge and we spent the song jumping up and down and looking at eachother and Darren in amazement.  L was having a great time dancing too.

He then played 'Me Myself and I' and 'Baby I am Popular' (a mashup of Prince's 'Baby I'm a Star' and 'Popular', but these are a bit of a blur to me.  He did wink at Tanya in Popular and she was thrilled.

There was a short break and he came back to do Void.  I really like this song, and again it was powerful live.  At this point I was so happy with seeing him live I had tears in my eyes, and my arms were folded and I was contentedly singing along.  He looked down at me which was amazing. 


When he said his goodbyes, he leant down and gave me a hug then a kiss.  The hug was genuine and lasted a good ten seconds.  I can't recall much of it except the feel of his bristles on my nose.  I keep asking my friends who were with me whether it was real.  It was apparently.  I was beside myself.  So excited.  That meant the world to me.

And that was it.  Goodbye Melbourne.  Can't wait til the album comes out in August.

After arguing with the waiter-cum-bouncer, I got the set list.  It has their hotel details on the back.

We ran outside to the car waiting to take the crew away.  Waited and waited. I kept on exclaiming how Darren is the 14th boy to kiss me. 

Got no photos.  Darren came out after Troy, he was bundled in a scarf and jacket in 35 degree heat.  He pressed his face up against the window. Then the car drove off.
Oh what an excellent night.

I feel so honoured to have heard the music before the album release, and also for Darren's affection.  My friends were truly appreciative too.  We got an awesome table, thanks to Manchester Lane, and also the generosity of Darren for putting tickets aside for me when I was sick in hospital.  So cool.

31 October 2011

I need some New York know-how!

So tonight I started my research and planning for my New York trip! The internet is such a big place, and so is New York, and my attention span is very short. So I am not sure where to start.

So I am asking you, my lovely readers, to give me some tips. Where to stay, what to do, where to eat, where to shop? Is there a great place to see bands? What tours should I take?

I'm going in July/August 2012.

Ultimately I wish I could live like Felicity and make out with Ben Covington.

I imagine I will arrive in New York, all wide-eyed and frizzy haired, in awe of the possibilities. Is there a Felicity Tour?

Please help! All suggestions welcome.

29 October 2011

Triple J - It gets better

This is a powerful video about being different, being accepted and hope for the future. While aimed at young gay people, it is relevant to anyone who has felt marginalised. I wish I had this reassurance that it'd get better for me after I'd finished school. Thanks Triple J!

25 October 2011

Music I've been missing - Darren Hayes lyrics



There's something about Darren Hayes songs that make me feel safe, and warm and at peace. The familiarity of his voice, which I have adored for half of my life, and the imagery his lyrics paint. His songs speak to me - I often feel they're written about me, and I know many fans who feel this way too. There are not many other artists who I relate to so much - I could count them on one hand. 

For years I've immersed myself in The Lover After Me, Dublin Sky, Darkness and Who Would Have Thought?. The words and sounds enveloped me like a rich sky, there's a warmth to them. I like the darkness, the sadness. It's humanising. I especially like walking through cold city streets listening to these songs through headphones, pacing to the beat, feeling like Darren is my only company in the concrete jungle. 

And now with the release of Secret Codes and Battleships, I immerse myself again. It's been on constant repeat since Friday. He's the music I've been missing. 

As I mentioned previously, I identify so much with this album. So many lyrics feel like they pertain to what's gone on for me since June. The lyrics are comforting yet hard to hear. Don't Give Up ("I want to run to run away from this, but I wouldn't leave a sinking a ship, without you in it there's no point to our story..."), Hurt (it's everything I was warned about), Talk Talk Talk and Bloodstained Heart (it's so comforting, I feel looked after and loved when I listen) resonate with me most. Cruel Cruel World reminds me of the connection I once had.

In the dark hours, Black Out The Sun makes my throat thick and eyes well with tears. The emotion of Darren's voice paired with the fated story in the song feels like my reality.


"...switch off the stars and paint the sky black
love isn’t ever coming back
there’s no use in imagining a world without you
your love was like a drug i was addicted to
because there’s nobody else who can hurt like you hurt me
I don’t want to be lonely
and there’s no other way there’s no joy there’s no meaning
just this hollowed out feeling..."

It's The Siren's Call that has become the light in my darkness - it has easily become a favourite. It's gentle, like a sailboat slowly drifting at sea, and lonely too. It feels a bit like the mornings I've woken up realising things won't be the same. I think of whales moaning, and a black bird carrying me through the air to a happier place. And like Darren sings, I can almost taste happiness.


"...But I can almost taste happiness
It's such a long way off
But I can almost feel your embrace
Above the siren's call

And I've seen a hint of it
This happiness
This bliss
Just knowing it exists I know that I must try
And I've caught a glimpse of it
One moment just one kiss
From the corner of my eye
Of better days gone by."


For so many days now I just wish that I could forget, and feel truly happy again, and soon. It seems like a long journey, but I feel these songs on Secret Codes and Battleships will help these feelings pass. 
"and i want so much to believe that i won’t disappear in the water that i won’t always be swimming against the tide..."
Thank you Darren. I know next week when I see you play live (twice) there will be tears.

23 October 2011

Darren Hayes - Secret Codes and Battleships

It's been four years since Darren Hayes released an album – though there was the dance outfit We Are Smug. And of course I was excited. Through pain, not complete eagerness, I was awake at 4 am on Friday morning, and decided to check whether Secret Codes and Battleships was available for purchase. I may have been one of the first to buy the album. By 4.15 am, I had purchased the album and was listening to it as I drifted in and out of slumber. I purchased the CD version later that day, too.
I am constantly impressed by Darren's lyrics. And this album is no exception. It is in my nature to read lyrics deeply, and perhaps due to some of my experiences in these past four or five months, I feel like some of the songs were written about my situation. I was told that the sign of a truly great artist is being able to relate to them. And so I do.

Talk Talk Talk, Black Out the Sun, Bloodstained Heart and Hurt particularly resonate with me. The lyrics of Don't Give Up are probably the most poignant -
“and i want to run away from this but i’d never leave a sinking ship
no
without you in it there’s no point to our story
well i can’t believe it’s come to this
all our secret codes and battleships
no
without you in it there’s no point to our story"
Another favourite of mine is Siren's Call. It reminds me of whales. Just beautiful.  And the versions of Talk Talk Talk and Black Out the Sun performed in the attic are beautiful too.

The album, like Darren's previous two solo releases, is themed. Secret Codes and Battleships carries the theme of the sea and love lost – with metaphors of the sea scattered through the songs. It's a lyrically dark album, but sonically uplifting. While I probably wouldn't dance to this album, it is certainly a pleasant listen. His vocal range is pretty amazing, though I prefer the sound of his lower notes.



Darren is a honest lyricist, and on first listen it is easy to wonder whether he has written about the break up of his relationship. But in reading recent articles and listening to interviews, he states that the album is based on seeing other peoples' relationships falling apart, and also the demise of a friendship.

I am seeing Darren live in just over a week, twice, and can't wait to watch him play this new album live, and rekindle the old songs.

20 October 2011

Tiptoeing and avoidance


"I wonder if you know the pain to want the one thing that you haven't got?"
~Savage Garden - Mine

Sometimes when there's something 'wrong' with you, others may avoid talking about the parts of their lives that you can't have. So it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, or jealous or sad, I guess.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately - the tiptoe and avoidance around topics. Mostly about the tightrope balance of not wanting people to avoid discussing the topics that are an elephant in your room, and then, not wanting to face up to the elephants in your room when they do come up in discussion. Do you follow? Maybe I am tiptoeing and avoiding being clear. It is hard to explain.

Take my situation. I don't expect my friends to stop discussing make up or waxing just because I can't do those things. But I will say that I once got a bit bored when a friend I was out with went on a tangent in the shopping centre, lured by an accented man giving away free facials. I sort of hung around while she got her facial, and he didn't acknowledge me, at all, because, obviously, I was the girl with the weird red face, clearly unable to use the products.

However, sometimes, and only very rarely, I don't want to hear how good people have it, when I can't easily have the same.

When my face is sore, and so infected I can't look at myself in the mirror I don't want to hear about peoples' bad hair days or broken nails or minor pimples (nor do I want to hear about it when I am 'well', in fact!). I can't deal with that trivial crap.

And often I can't handle hearing about constant success stories of finding love, or even just quick fucks. I recently spent time with an old friend and I got tired, and admittedly a bit sad, about the number of dates she'd been on, and the ease of it all. Man after man, and casually shrugging at the ease of dating.

I think that is what it boils down to. I can't say it's jealousy. Nor wallowing in self pity. I know I've got it pretty good in my life. It's more like "I don't want to know about the ease of it all".

I think about how easy it would be not to have to worry about what I will wear - not for the fun of fashion that I love so much, but for not having to worry about getting hot or cold or sunburnt or scratched. I once felt the breeze on an un-stockinged leg on a spring day. That feeling was amazing! I wondered what it'd be like to feel that every day. I wonder what it'd be like to wear a dress without having to cover up, not just for a photo on the concrete step, but for a whole night.

I think about how easy it would be to not think about staying over at someone's house impromptu. Like a one night stand. I did this recently with Bern Morley - not a one night stand in the literal sense, but decided to drink a lot more than anticipated, so I stayed over at her hotel. I had to top up on my vaseline at the 7/11 and source some clean undies and find a facewasher at reception, all because I don't wake up looking and feeling the same way as I go to sleep. And if I was to have a one night stand - pigs might fly - I'd get all hot and heavy and then have to explain that I wake up looking like Freddy Kruger, post coitus. Awkward.

I think about how easy it would be just to smile at someone in a bar and catch their attention, and have them come over to me and start up a conversation - not because they are curious about the way I look, but because they like the way I look.

I'd been discussing this idea of tiptoeing and avoidance with my good friend Sydney Shop Girl. The sadness and loss she has endured this past year is heartbreaking. She is the most giving, resilient and kind person I know, and it is so difficult for her to comfortably see new life just happening around her, and accept the conversations of how easy things are for other people. My thoughts are with you Sydney Shop Girl, through this difficult time, and beyond.

The things that people do in life - the way they live their lives, the way the world turns, just happens. Births, good health, able bodies, wearing a strapless dress. These things can't be avoided when you can't do or have what they can. And no matter how simple they seem, they can often be difficult to deal with. No matter whether tiptoe and avoid the topic for your sake.

18 October 2011

Addressing my arrogance and narcissim


 
I received a comment from a reader named Joanne in response to my Everything to everyone post. I guess it was like being pulled up by a parent for getting too big for my boots. Here is her comment.

"Hi Carly, long time follower but first time commentor. I think your blog is fantastic, you are a truly funny and enlightening person and I enjoy reading your posts everytime you update. Congratulations on your new website.
I have to say, though, this post left a bit of a bad taste. To me, and perhaps I misunderstood you, but you appear to be saying that you're becoming "overwhelmed" with your fame, that you can't deal with being a "role model" for all your "fans". I found this post a bit arrogant. Im sure you have loads of followers (myself included as a dedicated one!) but I think this might be a bit ahead of yourself. You always used to write with such modesty.
I hope I havent offended you, I just wanted to give you food for thought as I feel like these posts are kind of sliding towards arrogance and narcissm. You dont have to publish me if you don't want, I understand. I dont have a blog so I can only post my name (Joanne) instead of being Annon (which I hate!) I wish you all the best!"
Thank you Joanne - it did provide some food for thought, hence this reply via blog post. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and to write to me. I am not offended.


It is always really hard to write about these issues without seeming like I have an inflated ego. I never meant that I have a fan following, or that I am a superstar of any degree. But I'd be lying if I denied that my profile hasn't risen recently. I think that we all want some attention and praise, and blogging is an immediate way of receiving that. 
 

But as a blogger, I think it can get overwhelming at times, a bit like a celebrity (and I am not saying I am). People can relate to stories we tell, and want to share their own, and also find some hope and assistance through our words. And for the most part, it is flattering, and I want to help. While I understand it is a choice about what I share with the world, it is not my choice about who contacts me. And so when I receive messages like I did last week, it can be overwhelming. (Perhaps if I posted the messages here you'll see why I was overwhelmed. But they're private messages, very personal to the senders, and so I won't.)
It was after months of receiving emails from one particular reader, and that confronting email that I wrote Everything to everyone. 


I share a lot of myself on my blog. I'll admit at times I have written a post - Untouched for example - and it has been so emotionally draining that I've cried while writing it. I am also continually worried about offending someone or revealing too much of those I write about. I often seek approval or run posts by the person I write about. Most things I blog are written with a conscience - who may I offend?


It is hard to be authentic and honest through blogging without it seeming like your life is there on show - you can't be a carcrash that readers thrive off. But at the same time blogging allows that community, that support that you need during difficult times.Which may be a contradictory statement given that I feel overwhelmed.


It was never my intention to seem narcissistic or arrogant in that post or any of my writing. I was simply trying to articulate my feelings through writing them out on my blog. Maybe, like so much of the other 'therapy through writing' I've done lately, I should have left it unpublished. 


My feelings of being everything to everyone have definitely stemmed from my experiences in the past few months. I helped someone I love through an extremely tough time. I was 'there' to answer each text, each email. I went to a counselor to see how I could better help him. (Without meaning to sound like a martyr) I put my own feelings for him aside and just focused on his healing. And when he was healed, and I told him my feelings, it was too late. I'm no longer needed. It was too much at times. And I believe I worried myself sick. I don't think it is a coincidence that I ended up in hospital - twice - during the time I was providing support. While it wasn't in me not to provide support - and he told me that he couldn't have gotten through without me and a few others - I can't give so much of myself again, just yet, because of this. He loved me because he believed I'm strong, and maybe leant on me for that reason too. But even the strong ones can't take on everything. Who will support the supporter?


For the past seven weeks, I've felt broken, lost, used and so very sad. Not depressed, just sad because of grief. The best I can explain it is here, and I've tried not to saturate this blog with my feelings. And that's why I needed to take a step back. It was difficult supporting someone I love. And so I can't be there to assist others (strangers) who contact me because they relate. I take on a lot, and I can't let myself get hurt again. It may seem blunt, callous, selfish, narcissistic or arrogant of me. But I'm looking out for number one right now - me.


Blogging. It's a tough balance. I'm always going to be myself here. But that may mean seem arrogant or selfish at times. Humility and modesty wont always shine through my writing. Because I can't be everything to everyone.

I'd be interested to hear from other bloggers (or people with disabilities) whose profiles have increased or receive requests of support from strangers. How do you deal? And who else relates to this episode of SBS Insight?

16 October 2011

The week in iPhone pictures

It's been a while since I blogged about the mundane. You know, every day stuff. And so here you go. My week (ish) in pictures. Not in chronological order.

Turning into a vain princess

I had filming for No Limits yesterday. The final shoot of the season. And last shoot I had my hair curled and a bit of lipstick applied. And in three weeks I have purchased three lip glosses and a hair curler. 


My face was a bit sore yesterday, and I have a mild cold, so being pampered was just what I needed. And it was so nice to have someone pay attention to making me look good - I find that really hard to come by with hairdressers.

Even though I was a lot redder than usual, the lovely make-up artist made sure my lippie stood out. Wow. I never thought the day would come when I'd get a little excited over make-up and hair.

No Limits fun

It is always fun on set! Yesterday it seemed pretty quiet around the traps though. We all arrived at different times. We managed to snap this photo between episodes. Pictured: Elvira, Phin and Louis.



And the cast and crew also did this recording/photo in support of the National Disability Insurance Scheme.
Once again I was a shrinking violet and hung back in the shadows.

Prawn tacos

I made the most wonderful mid-week dinner. Prawn tacos. I was inspired by Sydney Shop Girl, remembering that she'd made them, and so I had to google the ingredients and then go abd buy them after work. It's really easy.

Make a salad out of red cabbage, carrots, coriander and spring onions.

 I grated the carrots and chopped the other vegies.
 Cook the prawns - I cooked them in a little organic salted butter from Tasmania.
Mix up a dressing of mayonnaise and sour cream (and horseradish, but I couldn't find any) and lime juice. Mum bought me the cool lime squeezer. I also have a lemon squeezer similar.
Assemble tacos on a tortilla. I added some jalapeno salsa. Because I am addicted to the stuff and eat it by the spoonful.
 Fold in half and eat. Yummmmm.


Tweeting the the stars

I put a tweet out about Neighbours. And then to my surprise, one of my favourite singers, Bob Evans, tweeted me back!

And again! That's when good rockstars and fans become good tweeters. Indeed.
 Tweet of the Month

 

Speaking of Twitter, I was featured Tweet of the Month in Shop til You Drop magazine. They had a special about shopping away a sucky day - including what the buy when you have a broken heart. How apt. So I tweeted. 

My Tweet of the Month resulted in much teasing by my friends though. 

Mamasita

A friend and I went to the much hyped Mamasita restuarant. Wow. It was amazing. A bit of a queue. But so amazing!

Two margaritas on a school night. This one was citrus with vanilla salt.

Corn on the cob - the most amazing corn we'd ever had. And that salsa in the background - wow!! The corn had spices and cheese on it.
 Ceviche - market fish in coconut milk and lime. It was tart and refreshing and delicious.
Tortilla. This was the lamb one, with cheese and lemon. We stacked it with that salsa, which made it even better.
Goat and corn. It was great. Quite a big serving. My friend had two pieces of goat. I had one.
And this was fantastic - corn icecream with caramelised popcorn!
 Here is Mitch with our second serving of corn. We got hungry.
By this time it was already 9.00pm and we'd been there for over three hours. People were still queuing. We felt quite special to be there eating and drinking at the bar.

The service was attentive and really quick. The noise level was good. It was very trendy in there. The food was amazing - definitely not your Taco Bill type Mexican. I highly recommend eating at Mamasita. 

Mitch and I met in about 1993 when his brother was my wardmate in hospital. His family and I have been friends ever since.


Carlyfindlay.com launch

Carlyfindlay.com was launched in a 30 minute lunch break on Thursday.

My friend, work and uni colleague Jess created the site and social media strategy, and I provided most of the content. Here I am pressing publish.


Hooray for CarlyFindlay.com!

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