I had the worst end to the best day. It was spent with friends having 2 pm breakfast, wine and lots of laughs. Fantastic company, lots of fun.
I headed home on the train about 6.30. I put my headphones on and noticed a group of four teenagers staring at me. My music was on softly so I could hear them say how red I look, and laughing about my appearance. The ones who could see me pointed me out to the ones who were facing away from me. For them to get a better view, two of them took photos of me on their iPhones and showed them to the others. The angles they held their phones at made it pretty obvious they were photographing me. They continued to take photos of me, and when I stood up to exit the train, there a mad scramble to put their phones down.
I rarely confront someone if they aren't directly speaking to me about my appearance. Today I did.
When I reached the door, I said 'hey guys, could you please stop taking photos of me and showing them around. It's disrespectful'. Of course they denied it, muttering how stupid I am to say that. I said 'I may be red but I'm not stupid. I could see what you were doing'. Smirks continued. I said something else about them not understanding or respecting disability, and mentioned that my appearance has got me a role on TV. I was shaking, and even almost an hour later, I am still shaking.
Then, for the kindness of strangers, a man who sat opposite the kids took out his headphones and gave them a serve, telling them to stop harassing me and that he'd take them all on. It was quite a hallelujah moment for me. He really did improve the situation.
It's rare that strangers come to my aid when others stare, point and harass me. I thank this man so much for doing so. He's a really good person for doing so.
I doubt these kids will even reflect on what they've done and I've said. They're probably laughing about the crazy red girl who told them off in the train, and comparing pictures of me with their other small minded mates.
I was speaking to someone yesterday about the hot weather, and how I hate it. She sympathised with me. I said that the weather is physically difficult for my skin, but the thing that is often worse is peoples' reactions and assumptions about it. Times like today I feel like a freakshow. Like the silverchair video. But without the botox or Daniel Johns.
I know I'm not a freak. But I am someone whose appearance is ridiculed on a regular basis.
I do know, however, that I am courageous, smart, positive, and beautiful enough to rise above their shit. I also have enough self worth not to carry this day with me for the rest of my life, and remember that the peoples' opinions about me that really matter are those who love me for who I am. And I'm stronger than these fuckwits will ever be.
The other day when I was searching for a video of Silverchair's Freak song on YouTube, I came across their song Miss You Love.
Miss You Love is maybe my top favourite Silverchair song, and up there with favourite songs of all time. I adore it.
I also love with equal parts: Ana's Song, Emotion Sickness, Without You, Across The Night, Cemetery and The Greatest View. I pretty much like their old stuff better than their new stuff.
My love for their music is very specific. It starts at Freakshow and stops at Diorama. I think Daniel Johns looked his best in this period (despite his unfortunate illnesses of anorexia and arthritis) and their music was the most imaginative and beautiful.I love the metaphors in the lyrics, the theatrics of the music particularly with the Neon Ballroom and Diorama albums. I am not keen on Young Modern nor Frogstomp apart from Tomorrow.
I think Daniel Johns is so creative and articulate, and damn good looking to boot. His honesty is refreshing. I really admire how he has overcome his adversities. I once met Ben Gillies when he played in Tambalane. I asked Ben how Daniel was. He said 'aren't you going to ask how Chris is too?' - I was very embarrassed.
I digress.
You may recall in this blog entry that Neon Ballroom was one of the albums that influenced me during 1999.
I loved the darkness, and could relate to some of the isolation Daniel Johns wrote and sang about.
Miss You Love was of course my favourite song, The lyrics are beautifully sad. There's a sense of love and despair because of the adoration from others.
Daniel said that at the time of writing Neon Ballroom, he was in a dark place and he hated music.
"I wrote . . . Neon Ballroom in that time where I hated music, really everything about it, I hated it. But I couldn't stop doing it and I felt like a slave to it."
I believe Miss You Love was written about the pressures of stardom Daniel (and probably Chris Joannou and Ben Gillies) felt at such a young age.
'But I'm not too sure How I'm supposed to feel Or what I'm supposed to say But I'm not, not sure, Not too sure how it feels To handle every day'
That fame they had, at what, 15 years old? I can't imagine.
'I think having three million people owning the first thing that you've ever recorded makes you kind of have to live up to it, in a way. It kind of puts pressure... It put pressure on me and I was obsessed with spending every second of every day studying music and becoming better and better and... Just because I felt like I wasn't worthy of what had come to me at a really early age. I needed to live up to it, I guess, you know?'
I guess that is where my favourite line of the song comes from - 'I love the way you love, but I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back'. This line is beautiful, and selfishly, I always wanted it to somehow relate to me - where I wanted to be adored by someone but wasn't sure how to feel. I guess it does apply in reverse though - I am always on the unrequited end of unrequited love!
The video clip of Miss You Love is equally compelling.
Many of Silverchair's videos tell a story or are artfully directed, like short films.
Miss You Love tells a few stories of love. The detail is amazing.
It details difference audience members' feelings as they watch a film, and also the feelings of the film's characters, too.
Silverchair enter the cinema theatre via a back entrance. Maybe to avoid the crowds and the attention that goes with fame. Yes. They don't look on comers in the eye.
Daniel sits away from Ben and Chris, tense, wary, hands clenched and teeth gritted. Isolated. Thin. I feel sad for him. Like the song Ana's Song, this video probably reflects his life back then quite truthfully.
I love how immersed in the film and music the audience members are, to the point where Chris catches Ben singing along and they both laugh.
There's the guy who looks reluctant when his girlfriend takes his band in the first 'I love the way you love...' line.
The film's characters are two lovers on the verge of break up. Their subtitled dialogue says:
~'Are you falling asleep?' ~'No I'm falling apart.'
Sigh.
There's the usherette who is reading by torchlight through the film. I can't figure her out. She's emotional.
Sometimes I think she is immersed in the sadness or love story of the book she is reading, imagining herself as a character, trying to escape from he mundane reality of her job as an usherette.
Other times I think just wants to be noticed amongst the crowd because she feels insignificant - being stepped over by audience members. I can't help think she wants to be noticed by the reel operator. But he's being more than just noticed by another girl. And this probably happens every film he reels.
And then, the handsome guy watching the film intently. He sings along with the song. He looks uncomfortable in some parts of the film. Like he's identifying the situation of the lovers on screen. Like he's got a lover he's about to break up with. Is he walking out of the cinema before the film's end to make up or break up with his lover?
I love the way the video to Miss You love shows so much emotion from different characters.
Gosh that was an in depth analysis. I have not analysed something that much since year 12 English. But I love that video clip and have thought about its meaning a lot over these past 11 years.
I would love to chat to Silverchair about the thought process behind the making of the clip.
What are your thoughts on this remarkable song and video?
Here is the video and the lyrics.
'Millionaire say Got a big shot deal And thrown it all away but But I'm not too sure How I'm supposed to feel Or what I'm supposed to say But I'm not, not sure, Not too sure how it feels To handle every day And I miss you love
Make room for the pray 'Cause I'm coming in With what I wanna say but It's gonna hurt And I love the pain A breeding ground for hate but...
I'm not, not sure, Not too sure how it feels To handle everyday Like the one that just past In the crowds of all the people
Remember today I've no respect for you And I miss you love And I miss you love
I love the way you love But I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back
It's just a fad Part of the teen, teenage angst brigade and I'm not, not sure, Not too sure how it feels To handle everyday Like the one that just past In the crowds of all the people
Remember today I've no respect for you And I miss you love And I miss you love
Remember today I've no respect for you And I miss you love And I miss you love
I love the way you love But I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back'
(Miss You Love - written by Daniel Johns, performed by Silverchair)
