Fangirl.

It was almost two years ago that I saw Tavi Gevison speak at the Melbourne Writers Festival. She was 17 at the time, and had equal amounts of wisdom and immaturity. I wrote about it here. Her words about fandom have stuck with me all this time. Being an avid reader and fan, she shared many quotes with us. I kept playing this quote she mentioned over in my head, frantically searching for it online and eventually buying the book to read it again. (Can I just remind you how risky it is to google and book called 'I love dick'?!)

"You're shrunk and bottled in a glass jar, you're a portable saint. Knowing you's like knowing Jesus. There are billions of us and only one of you so I don't expect much from you personally. There are no answers to my life. But I'm touched by you and fulfilled just by believing." 

~ Chris Kraus - I love dick

Fandom is believing in something. It's relating to lyrics and lives. It's finding the joy in the little things. It is being able to take something of someone you admire with you through your headphones or in a lyrics booklet or in your pocket through a social media app. It's precious - knowing that you're part of a tiny, or big community that all feel the same way about a band or an actor or a book.

Tavi seeks solace in fangirlism - something I can relate to so much. She calls herself a "professional fangirl", and said "being a fangirl is one of the most happying things anyone can do." Fangirlism is both an expression of individuality and something that brings people together. Tavi said "you might look uncool for expressing enthusiasm" - I identified with that a lot - my friends always tease me for loving Darren Hayes, citing that's uncool. But I feel the coolest. Because I've got this fandom to hold on to.

Tavi said that it's ok not to like high-brow everything - she juxtapositions her fandom of One Direction alongside Fleetwood Mac. She also spoke about how fans of one idol can tend to look down on fans of other idols - "let others like stuff", she said. I’ve been a fan of a few celebrities - and most people tell me how daggy I am for loving them. But I don’t care. Just like I don’t mind not conforming, I don’t mind that my idols aren’t mainstream either.

She said "stop worshipping idols, humanise them, and realise you've got a place next to them." And as I've moved into my 30s, and with social media providing instant connection with my idols, this is so true. I've got a few idols - it's no secret. I see what they're into, their beliefs and values, and realise that maybe we've got more in common than I used to believe.

My good friend Lauren Moss told me that in her leadership training courses that she delivers to youth, she asks her students to list all the qualities they see in their idols and then list all the qualities they recognise in themselves. Her students are able to see that their idols are human, on the same level, and they share similar traits.

The interaction fans and their idols have on social media is unprecedented. It's a personal connection, and a window into each other's lives. I'm sure it could be detrimental to an idol - invasion of privacy and high expectations from fans to respond; and likewise for fans - especially if their expectations are not met. But on the whole, it's positive. Idols and fans get to know each other like fans only dreamed of.

And now, Darren Hayes has read my blog. I've been a fan of his since 1996.

He read it and tweeted me, referencing something I wrote in it. He's done this a couple of times now and every time it's happened, I've jumped up and ran around the house, squealing.

While that may not mean a lot to many of you, and may seem like I'm chasing celebrity, it means so much to me. For 18 years and counting, I've carried his words in my ears and in my heart.

I screenshot all of his twitter correspondence with me. While I can't say we are friends, we now communicate more deeply than me just squealing at him. We've talked about coming out as gay and disabled, and about star wars costumes and my Reddit experience. The stuff we talk about on Twitter is far from the "OMG I love you" conversations I had with him as a younger fan. And I've spoken to him on his podcast. He was genuinely interested in my story.

When I wrote about meeting Darren outside the Enmore in Sydney in 2011, I mentioned I told him I loved him and he said "I love you too Carly". I received one of the most critical comments ever. It sticks with me now. Someone told me they were concerned for my emotional well being because of my love for Darren.  And yet it was completely the opposite. Darren's words validated that he knew who I was.

Tavi's talk reminded me that there are people who understand fandom and there are people who do not. It reminded me there's a sense of unity in fandom - unity in love, knowledge, fashion mimicry (floral headbands galore at Tavi, hand printed tshirts at a Lorde concert ) and excitement. Fandom gives the isolated a place to belong.

And maybe this is what kept me going as an isolated teen. Knowing that there are others out there like me, relating to lyric after lyric, and having a special interest that I could devote my time to. One of my best and only friendships in high school was strengthened because of Savage Garden. There were nights spent dubbing videos of their performances, sharing our first concert experiences and feeling excited about this higher being that we'd chosen to follow. And when my friend said she had drifted away from the band and Darren Hayes, our friendship drifted apart too.

Tavi said that it's ok not to like high-brow everything - she juxtapositions her fandom of One Direction alongside Fleetwood Mac. She also spoke about how fans of one idol can tend to look down on fans of other idols - "let others like stuff", she said.

I fond this photo from when I was 15 years old, in the queue for my first Savage Garden concert. 5 May 1997. St Kilda. That excitement on my face is the same as I feel now when I think about my fandom.

18 years on and Savage Garden’s greatest hits album was released. I squealed like it was 1997.

I am so proud to have followed this band since I saw them on TV in 1996. This fandom has changed my life. And I’ve also realised that my idols are people who walk alongside me - creatives, managers and friends.

Who do you fangirl over? Has your admiration for idols changed over the years? Have you connected with your idols?

Not well. Fandom.

I'm not well. Everything has collided and now I have sorer-than-usual skin. The pain is hard to describe - it's throbbing and tiring, and wears at my emotional armour. I'll be ok soon - I always am. This month has definitely shown that stressful situations (and even excitement) can play havoc with the body's balance.

Yesterday I took myself to the hospital to get some antibiotics, a doctors certificate and just to have a chat to a professional, really. While I don't feel sad, I do feel overwhelmed by a lot of things, worried even, and I just needed to know that what I feel is valid and may be contributing to this period of soreness. I have today off work and plan on resting up over the weekend. Now, in addition to the prescription, I can work on resting my mind a little. I will try (right after that deadline I enjoy a cup of green tea and a quality magazine).

I am forever grateful to Australia's public hospital system. We are so lucky to get free taxpayer funded clinics, treatment and hospitalisation. While I don't much like the wait time, I acknowledge the wait time is necessary, and at the end of the wait time, I'm going to see a knowledgable, caring and friendly doctor or nurse who understands what I need to get and stay well.

I went to the dermatology clinic as a walk in patient, rather than having an appointment booked months in advance, and was seen to within half an hour. That beats sitting in emergency waiting for a dermatologist for five hours. (A skin infection never seems to be regarded as a true emergency...) After the dermatology clinic I was referred to the immunology clinic, where shit just got serious.

The immunology clinic appointment was a follow up to the trip to emergency last week. We talked about what happened when I ate seafood - that this was my first reaction after eating it my whole life. The dermatologists have always been concerned about food allergies and I've been lucky to go for so long with only having allergies to latex, pollen and codeine. So this potential allergy didn't really come as a surprise. I was prescribed an EpiPen, practiced how to use the trainer EpiPen, and given some forms for a blood test to test for seafood allergies. We also talked about possibly boosting my immune system with a blood product called Intragram (like Instagram, but not an app and there's no pretty filters. Actually it's not like Instagram at all. It's a transfusion in the arm.), and vaccines for chickenpox and herpes. Next time I visit the hospital I'll have that blood test and then see the immunologist again to discuss the allergy situation. Until then, I'll just avoid eating seafood. What's a foodie to do?! I'll be envious of all those seafood dinners on Instagram...

Two happier things:

Darren Hayes replied to my tweet!

Darren uses social media to do great things - speaking up about human rights injustices, especially around homophobia and discriminatory behaviour. I love that he uses his celebrity for positive influence. And I love that he won't remain silent despite receiving criticism. And nor will I. (Also, did you see he called me beautiful?! Did you see?!)

My Dad was in town for the Liverpool v Melbourne Victory match this week. I was SO excited that he could see the game - he hasn't seen his team play for 36 years.

That's him in Cape Town in 1977.

He was able to meet his friends from the UK - who he met at Liverpool matches back in the UK - while in Melbourne - he hadn't seen them for all those years either.

I saw this on the news and got a bit teary at the thought that Dad was in that crowd, singing You'll Never Walk Alone. Australia's his home now and it is wonderful he could experience that fandom again here.

I grew up with a very passionate Liverpool fan father. He still is - up at all hours watching the match, checking the LFC news on the Internet. When I was little, well before the Internet, and before we had SBS TV in our regional city even, he'd tune into the BBC sports show on the shortwave radio to keep up with the scores. There was a time he came to Melbourne with me for a hospital appointment and we had to change hotels because the one we'd booked into wasn't showing the Liverpool match!

I haven't ever watched a full game, but the chants are all so familiar to me. I knew all the words of You'll Never Walk Alone from a very early age, like it was a nursery rhyme.

Mum sent me that photo the other day - Dad's fandom was passed down to me - not in a sporty way but definitely through my passion for singer-songwriters.

There's something special about being a fan. It's the anticipation of their arrival. It's the passion of seeing your team or band or actor do what they do best. It's the camaraderie, the chanting, the cheering. It's that look you get from other fans - the feeling of sharing the same excitement. It's that intimate moment when your idol looks at you in the eye or sings you that song. It's knowing that your passion has a place in your heart for life. It's the most alive you'll ever feel.

That's it from me today. I'm resting. Probably sleeping as this post goes live.

Do you love fandom as much as I do?

Are your parents passionate fans and has their fandom been passed down to you?

Did you go to the football?

Has your favourite celebrity tweeted you?

Have you got an EpiPen? Does it hurt?

Are you following me on Facebook?

 

Shane Warne the Musical. And my baffling crush on Shane Warne the cricketer.

(source)

On Thursday night I was treated to a night out at the theatre to see Shane Warne the Musical. I was Tash's guest - she received the tickets from the Arts Centre Melbourne.

Eddie Perfect (who is quite perfect) starred as cricketer Shane Warne - and he certainly could pass for Warne's twin. He wrote the script and composed the music too. His voice is versatile - singing jazz, hitting the high and low notes, rapping and dancing. Perfect.

(source)

 

Eddie updated the original 2008 show to include Shane's recent escapades. There was an orchestra, lighting and turf to represent the MCG, and a stellar cast featuring familiar faces.

Shane Warne the Musical showcased Shane's life - from 1988 when he was chosen to train at the AIS ("how do you spell success? AIS", the cast chanted), the birth of The Flipper (the famous bowling technique), receiving his baggy green, his marriage to Simone Callaghan, ALL the scandals, his retirement, the many, many brand ambassadorships (toy cars, poker, underwear, sunglasses - to name a few) and to his present day romance with Elizabeth Hurley.

Shane Jacobson featured as Terry Jenner, Shane's close mentor. Terry saw the potential in Shane and wanted to steer him on the right path, for he felt Shane also had (negative) potential to throw his career away by living a carefree lifestyle - perhaps how Terry had done in the past.

The show delved into the scandals he's been involved in. So many scandals. In the intermission, we overheard an audience member in front of us say, "You forget his much he's done in his life. So much dodgy stuff to come." And she was so right!

There was the diuretics, sledging, match fixing, the explicit text messages to women, an affair with the British nurse, the shipment of baked beans to India...

It was the womanising that impacted on his marriage to Simone (played by Lisa McCune). The musical had a dig at how stupid she was for taking him back after the affairs and text messages.

The musical was hilarious - and so lyrically clever! Lots of references to cricket (a great slow-motion reenactment of The Ball of the Century) but equally as many references to Shane's personal life. My favourite was the scene when Shane and Simone met - the song was called Dancing with the Stars (Simone was a contestant on the show) and there was some clumsy dancing happening. The audience responded well - lots of laughter.

I also loved the addition of the Liz Hurley storyline - she was depicted as a ball breaker - showing Shane who is boss, and set the record straight on the surgery claims, singing "it's not surgery, it's love." Ha! There was a brilliant scene showing a recent kerfuffle Liz had with a journalist at an airport - telling her where to go - and in the musical, the journalist described being told to Fuck Off by Liz Hurley as the "highlight of her life."

(source)

The show was thought provoking as it focused a lot on Warne as the Spin King - not in the spin bowling sense, but the publicity spin. Spinning chairs were used as visual props - representing the dizzying amount of brands he's affiliated with as well as the need to be present in the media almost all of the time. Twitter has been a great way Shane Warne has maintained a presence - often sharing too much information with the world.

(source)

Shane Warne the brand is constantly being made over, and as the PR team cast sang, "we've got to keep him spinning or hell die." It did make me wonder how much Shane Warne thrives on being in the spotlight.

Eddie Perfect nails it, observing just how much Shane is present as a cultural icon - whether it's for his cricket, his many indiscretions on and off the field, or his lengthy list of cringeworthy moments. He's always reinventing himself so he takes to focus off the stupid things he's done for the world to remember him as a cricketing champion.

I remembered so much of the history detailed in Shane Warne the Musical - for Shane Warne was a big part of my life for a short time.

When I was a kid - 11-13 years old, I'd say, I had a crush on Shane Warne. It was back when he looked like this.

(source)

I think I'd seen him in a magazine one day and thought bleached blonde hair and lips full of zinc cream was pretty hot. Before you Ian Healey could say "Bowl Shane", I had scrapbooks full of Shane Warne pictures, I'd written to Cricket Victoria for merchandise, bought Inside Edge magazine, collected a tin of cricket cards, read his biographies, toured the MCG and had posters of him modelling Just Jeans clothing plastered all over my bedroom walls. I was obsessed. And I didn't even like cricket. Still don't. It bores me. I don't understand it. But I'd watch it for Shane. I took some time off school once to watch the last test in Perth, just to see him looking hot on the pitch. What was I thinking?!

The pinnacle of my fandom was when I sent him and Simone a wedding present. It was a photo frame. A lovely wedding present. Except it had a picture of me in it. What?! I was 13. And I really really wanted him to that I was his biggest fan (despite not liking cricket). He wrote back!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember being SO EXCITED when that autographed note arrived. Dad laminated it and I was in awe for weeks.

I downplay the inappropriateness/baffling nature of my crush because it was before the text message scandal. I just thought he was a wholesome cricketer and faithful husband married to his Fosters promo girl sweetheart. While I have definitely moved on from this celebrity crush, I did enjoy reliving that period of fandom through watching Shane Warne the Musical.

Have you seen Shane Warne the Musical? What did you think?

Have you had a bizarre or inappropriate celebrity crush?

 

Bob Evans at Spotify HQ

 

Sometimes I pinch myself about how lucky I am. I love my life. This weekend just gone, I went to Sydney for Healthivate, the health focused blogging conference (so much inspiration, and I will blog about it all soon). The weekend was packed with exciting stuff, so much so, I need a holiday after my holiday. On Friday I saw Bob Evans at Spotify. I won a little competition he ran - five words or less about why we want to see him live. "I'm in Sydney for blogging", I wrote. And then "I'll bring my mum". I'm not great at maths, but I'm good at five words or less.

It seemed like a bad weekend to fly. Due to inclement weather in Sydney and Queensland, many flights were delayed or cancelled. Including mine. On the way up and back. And my Mum's flight from Albury was delayed too (though she had further dramas, with a boom gate closing on her car at the airport parking!). It seemed Friday was a day of delays. My train to the skybus was delayed due to some signal fault, I missed Kevin doing Like a Version on Triple J because the train was stuck in the wasteland of no phone reception, and then when I arrived at the airport with minutes to spare before check in closed, I was told my flight was delayed one hour and 20 minutes! We later found out Kevin's flight was delayed and lengthy too.

When we were finally in the air, we circled a holding pattern for an hour. So I arrived in Sydney three and a half hours after I was due to depart. Sheesh! And it was raining. So much rain. Which, along with our lateness, effectively scrapped our early afternoon plans of popping into the Mama Mia office for a quick hello. So after dropping our stuff at the dodgy motel, getting changed, and waiting for a taxi then a bus in the hideous rain for half an hour, we made it to the Spotify office with enough time to wolf down a delicious pork crackling roll and a well deserved alcoholic drink - at 3.45 pm.

Spotify is a digital music service that allows listeners access to a huge range of songs. I think the music is stored in a cloud? I really want to explore the app now. As I imagined, the office (just new) was very trendy, and its workers equally as trendy. Is it a sign that I am not trendy when I use the word trendy?

The Bob Evans show was the first live Spotify office gig in Australia (Spotify has only been in Australia since May last year). And it was pretty special. There were about 25 people in the room - Spotify staff, music industry people and a few fans. There was wine and canapes and a brilliant fruit platter. What would an event be if I didn't take a food photo?!

Mum and I talked to some great people - music fans, including one girl who saw Nirvana play back in 1992 - this impressed me a lot! It was Mum's first Bob Evans experience and she loved it.

Kevin played five songs: his newest release Go (incredibly beautiful played acoustically, and catchy too), Hand Me Downs (my favourite of favourites), I Just Don't Wanna Grow Up Anymore, Someone So Much (a request from the man who was late) and Don't You Think It's Time (the song that got me into Bob Evans). Some of the audience members I spoke to were impressed with the way Kevin hit the high notes - they described his sound as pitch perfect. I don't know anything about music, other than the enjoyment it provides, so I'll just say that I am continually impressed with how his electronic sounding songs translate so well into acoustic versions. And it was a privilege to see Kevin play such an intimate show.

After the set, we stuck around to talk and drink, and caught Kevin for a quick chat. Mum edged in first - launching in to tell him she was my Mum, and then telling him about the airport boomgate on her car.

I went to say hello, and we had a chat about the plane delays and the difference a gig with lights on makes, and the upcoming conference I was speaking at. And we had photos. Mum told Kevin that I talk about him a lot. A bit embarrassed by my fandom being discussed before the star, I quickly said "No Mum, that's Darren Hayes that I talk about a lot"! Kevin was amused.

It was such a great afternoon. I feel very lucky to be a part of it, and I love being a fan. Thank you for putting on the show, Spotify, and thanks Kevin for the tickets and for being genuine, participating in your own social media and for being awesome!

 

Fans

Being a very dedicated fan of certain celebrities (actors and musicians) myself, I have seen my fair share of fanatics. I admit, I have been a screamer at times. I have screamed when I saw Darren Hayes enter a concert venue (he commented on my screaming!). I have waited many cold hours outside many venues to meet him. I once told other fans that I deserve to be at the front of the queue because I sat in the cold for six hours to meet him, and they had only been there for 10 minutes!

I love the way our idols can bring us together. I have developed close friends with several people because of our mutual love for Darren Hayes and Callan Mulvey. It's nice to belong to a community – I love discussing minute details of albums, TV episodes, photo shoots and interviews with others that also love my idol. And it's great to be at a concert with other fans. You share something really special, like in the clip of live music above. (Fans is one of my favourite Kings of Leon songs.) There is such a rush being in the crowd enjoying and singing along to the music. (My experience at the Kings of Leon concert was mostly amazing - it was marred by a drugged fan who hit people in the crowd and pushed my friend.)

I love it when your idol acknowledges you in some way. It's such a privilege.

But belonging to a fan community is also quite unnerving. Maybe I have been one of those fanatics that I don't appreciate. But I don't think I have treated anyone badly because of my fandom. I have always shown respect to my idols and to those around me.

People will do anything to get close to their idol. Anything.

I have seen many nasty fans with no regard for others. Many fans are fraught with jealousy.I have been yelled at by an obsessed fan because things didn't go her way. My photo of a celebrity and I was used by someone else, and I was cut out of it! I have been asked to do ridiculous favours by fans so they can get close to their idol. (I have, however, secured autographs for true friends.)

I received four messages of abuse on my Facebook page after I announced I won tickets to the Rush premiere. I was told I was undeserving because I went last year and because I've already met Callan Mulvey. This fan was never a friend. Just found me through my blog, or a page I've 'liked', I guess. Needless to say, this fan has been deleted from my friends list. While I appreciate they were upset for not winning the competition (I would be too), it gives them no right to be nasty.

It's all a bit ridiculous. I am going to go to the premiere tomorrow night, with my friends, and enjoy it. Not going to do anything to please others.

I have learnt in recent years never to jeopardise the relationship you have or may have with an idol. And also never to idolise someone to the extreme that you will be disappointed.

There's something I need to tell myself...

Dear Carly

It's 2007.

You are 25 years old.

Your sense of integrity, honesty and passion is commendable. You're not afraid to tell it like it is.

It's the height of the MySpace boom. This means bands are sharing their music and thoughts with their fans on perhaps a different level than in previous eras.

Bands are adding their fans as friends on MySpace. It's probably mostly their record labels adding their fans. But there are some bands and artists who are personally responding to their fans.

You and your ultimate idol have just become friends on MySpace. You've got two hundred other bands as friends. But he's the ultimate.

You've loved him since 1996. That's almost half of your life. He means the world to you.

Just because your idol adds you as a friend MySpace doesn't mean you are actually friends.

Maintain your distance.

Send him a birthday wish.

Tell him how much his music means to you.

He's made you feel special on several occasions.

You cherished every moment and word your idol's given to you.

You've always thanked him for his time and his generosity. You've always shown him the utmost respect.

He knows you love him. He's seen that at his concerts and when you've waited for hours outside the television studios for him.

Now you're friends on MySpace you can write to him about how you relate to his music. The things that happened in your day.

Sometimes he'll write back.

Cherish every moment and word he gives to you.

But maintain your distance.

Even if you sense some trust between you, it doesn't mean you can tell him everything. I know it feels that way because you've loved him since 1996 and you relate to his music and you know everything the media has ever featured about him.

Never tell your idol that you disagree with his actions. Even if you write it politely and with passion and respect. Your passion just won't show through.

Your idol is human too. He has to make business decisions. He can't exist just to serve fans like you.

You should have stuck to writing messages of adoration via snail mail. Like when you wrote to Shane Warne (before text messages). Shane Warne sent you a handwritten card back. How excited you were in 1993! When you wrote to Shane Warne in 1993, you never knew your idols actually read your messages and could respond to you.

In the MySpace age they just may.

Your idol's replies can make you incredibly happy. Make you feel incredibly worthy. And they can also tear you apart. You will be devastated.

Before you consider interacting with your idol on MySpace, just remember how much you've cherished their words, time and actions in the past.

Just remember you've loved him since 1996. Almost half your life.

Your idol will never love you as much as you love them. You'll love them forever.

Love,

A little older, much wiser Carly. (Broken heart healing.)

(Written for the Blog This If I met my younger self challenge.)