tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post849894407781342461..comments2024-01-16T01:42:41.699+11:00Comments on Tune into Radio Carly: Illness one-upmanship. It's not cool.Carly Findlayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01368145710452826385noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-68899730948958103202016-01-28T09:24:03.828+11:002016-01-28T09:24:03.828+11:00I am gifted, orally verbal, and extroverted autist...I am gifted, orally verbal, and extroverted autistic. I play the flute and arrange and compose music. However, I have an atrocious sense of direction and executive functioning. I do not like one-upmanship. Not at all. Use the tag #PainIsPain so others can acknowledge that one-upmanship is harmful.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10616282351291824392noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-31883360260434054612012-08-22T15:25:27.390+10:002012-08-22T15:25:27.390+10:00I agree with these sentiments entirely, however, I...I agree with these sentiments entirely, however, I am sure during my life time I would have offended many when I only sought to comfort. Again it brings to mind the power of words, how they come out of someone's mouth and can be for good or bad. The power of words can also unite people in a cause, and listening or reading about people telling their stories can be so educational as well as bringing it home with new understanding in a "lightbulb" moment. Keep telling your story - it is valued.Cyn + Dave Travelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12448950856238398976noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-6618036569211148972012-06-10T05:36:48.906+10:002012-06-10T05:36:48.906+10:00Thank you for the thought-provoking post. I think ...Thank you for the thought-provoking post. I think that illness one-upmanship is part of this notion we have of sympathy scarcity. We believe there is a limited amount of sympathy, love and compassion to go around. So we must compete to be 'the sickest' or 'the most affected' in order to gain the sympathy that we desperately crave. When you move to a model of 'sympathy abundance' (i.e., there is enough sympathy, compassion and love to meet the needs of everyone - which there is!), then I think people stop competing over their illnesses.Wonky Pillowhttp://www.facebook.com/wonkypillownoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-45029114536531958792012-05-17T23:06:10.172+10:002012-05-17T23:06:10.172+10:00Beautiful post. I think this sort of one-up-man-sh...Beautiful post. I think this sort of one-up-man-ship is symptomatic of what writer Caroline Myss calls "woundology"...defining yourself (generic "you") by an illness or disability to the point where you don't know who you are without it. So you seek that constant validation of self through validation that you *are* indeed sick or have been through more than everyone else, etc... I've just read the post above mine and realized that I've kind of said what Deb has. I can't remember what book Carolyn Myss talks about this in, but it was very interesting.GirlWithTheCanehttp://www.girlwiththecane.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-62335829017660582502012-05-16T10:14:49.893+10:002012-05-16T10:14:49.893+10:00Definitely Naomi - it is all about empathy. I gues...Definitely Naomi - it is all about empathy. I guess people seek empathy in different ways.Carly Findlayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01368145710452826385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-82655475133355948512012-05-16T10:14:14.891+10:002012-05-16T10:14:14.891+10:00Yes, a focus on the severity of the illness rather...Yes, a focus on the severity of the illness rather than forming a bond because of the understanding of experiences! You got it!Carly Findlayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01368145710452826385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-11457811993790691642012-05-16T10:13:22.391+10:002012-05-16T10:13:22.391+10:00Thanks Lenka. I am pretty sure the internet facili...Thanks Lenka. I am pretty sure the internet facilitates a lot of this one-upmanship too.Carly Findlayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01368145710452826385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-46723771389669221972012-05-16T10:12:42.047+10:002012-05-16T10:12:42.047+10:00Hi Deb - I definitely agree - it's a form of v...Hi Deb - I definitely agree - it's a form of validation. Maybe I do it to, with lesser illnesses. Thank you for your comment.Carly Findlayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01368145710452826385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-44714017140961209482012-05-15T23:01:28.912+10:002012-05-15T23:01:28.912+10:00I think the one-up-manship starts with a person wh...I think the one-up-manship starts with a person who is desperately seeking validation. They're coming from a broken place where they haven't been taught empathy. This is not to excuse them, but it helps me to understand why it happens. When I have been guilty of comparing myself (my pain/situation)I have realised that it comes from my own wounds. I've worked on healing myself and validating myself. It totally doesn't make sense to have a competition about illness or pain - you could never prove who the winner is, but why would we want to? Nobody wins. Great post, Carly.Deb @ Bright and Precioushttp://www.brightandprecious.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-92195976204925340942012-05-15T00:10:13.046+10:002012-05-15T00:10:13.046+10:00Another awesome post. If symptoms are difficult, t...Another awesome post. If symptoms are difficult, they are difficult, regardless of relative difficulty. I hope we can all take a deep breath and support one another. That's what we really need. Support and validation. Not that difficult to do, really :)Lenkahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03832791375861465119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-53094011830963390682012-05-14T22:53:46.208+10:002012-05-14T22:53:46.208+10:00Excellent post Carly! So true! I think people do i...Excellent post Carly! So true! I think people do it mainly for attention and sympathy...but at the end of the day, pain is pain whether it's physical or mental. I think if we all listened and empathised with each other instead of trying to one-up each other, it would give us all a soft place to fall when we need to. <br /><br />I too cannot stand it when people say oh there's aways someone worse off than u or I know someone who has what u have and they recovered much quicker than u. It really infuriates me as they are belittling u and your feelings, making u just sound like your puting it on, faking it or making u feel like u should be coping better than u are. We are all only human and are all coping with different things behind closed doors and NO ONE but YOU knows what YOU are going through. Just listen instead of judging or trying to one-up someone. Be the shoulder they probably so desperately need to lean on...just be there...listen and make them feel heard and excepted for who they are and what they're going through.Tanseynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-86614290471601457282012-05-14T22:24:03.440+10:002012-05-14T22:24:03.440+10:00Magic! You've said everything I've been th...Magic! You've said everything I've been thinking! This sort of thing drives me insane. I mostly get it from non-sick people who are all like "Well I know a guy who has X condition, thank god you don't have THAT!". I'm really lucky that the support group I'm in is actually supportive. Thanls for the great post!Claire Gawnehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10321278654314153011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-18159198436775842072012-05-14T22:12:40.229+10:002012-05-14T22:12:40.229+10:00Hello Beautiful, I finally get round to leave my c...Hello Beautiful, I finally get round to leave my comment. I love your post and as you know from my quote totally get what you are saying. I wrote that quote last week as I'd had a week of ongoing illnesses and home and mum's Alzheimer's is now so very bad and someone had told me that chin up they were worse off and anyway mum was old, so no big deal. Through my work I see many cases of illnesses, severe trauma and abuse and that was my trigger for the quote. In that you can't compare pain or pretty much anything emotional with anyone- if it hurts it hurts , there is nothing to compare. Thanks for using the quote and referencing me. Love NxEasy Peasy Kidshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01952923643103485105noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-52412233782208768482012-05-14T17:28:41.191+10:002012-05-14T17:28:41.191+10:00Hey Carly! Have been thinking of you. Sorry to hea...Hey Carly! Have been thinking of you. Sorry to hear about your poppy. Fantastic post, as usual. I don't see why anyone should be offended by this post, and if people are they obviously have a serious problem. I really love that quote. This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately too. I think we all do this at some stage, it's only human but some people just have a really bad victim mentality. Good on you for writing about it. Much love xChronically Creativehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14934328421349726160noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-57910473777438375552012-05-14T15:00:10.602+10:002012-05-14T15:00:10.602+10:00Great post Carly. The oneupmanship that goes on i...Great post Carly. The oneupmanship that goes on is really not healthy, either for the person doing it or for anyone who ends up on the receiving end. I think it's important to acknowledge the reasons why it happens though. When people see others receiving the empathy and support that they want it can lead to feelings of resentment. The one upping is generally a misguided way of trying to make people see that they need attention too. What you are saying about empathy is really important, both as a way of approaching people generally so you don't fall into the resentment trap, and also as a way of approaching those who tend toward the one upping. Chances are they just need a bit of empathy themselves.Gnomes Chaineyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01136672339162941764noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-11026523099213150402012-05-13T21:02:02.432+10:002012-05-13T21:02:02.432+10:00I completely agree Carly! From personal experience...I completely agree Carly! From personal experience I also have never really thought illness specific support groups/forums work very well, as it usually ends up I feel placing a focus on how bad the illness is rather than uniting on an understanding that we all know what it is like to feel different at times, like we do here or at ChIPS.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-59595853055086180182012-05-13T14:51:39.184+10:002012-05-13T14:51:39.184+10:00Brismod - I think maybe it's jealousy or tryin...Brismod - I think maybe it's jealousy or trying to make someone feel worse aboIut themselves. There's often a lack of perspective and self awareness too.Carly Findlaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-15822026734413656462012-05-13T14:49:41.532+10:002012-05-13T14:49:41.532+10:00Michelle - you are so right - it brings you down. ...Michelle - you are so right - it brings you down. I rarely tale on advice from others with my illness, nor Give it freely. I think it's sanity saving to focus on your own health first. <br />You made so many articulate points - thank you for your contribution.Carly Findlaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-60674872207693992532012-05-13T14:46:23.447+10:002012-05-13T14:46:23.447+10:00Yes. They don't know what to say.
What that ...Yes. They don't know what to say. <br /><br />What that other woman said to you is just horrible. A real insult to your son's intelligence and emotions. <br /><br />You're doing a great job Kelley. I admire you a lot.Carly Findlaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-41528601426382306392012-05-13T14:43:54.176+10:002012-05-13T14:43:54.176+10:00Thank you Andrew :)Thank you Andrew :)Carly Findlaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-30246827124049389072012-05-13T14:42:50.642+10:002012-05-13T14:42:50.642+10:00Thank you xxThank you xxCarly Findlaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-51407696563321035742012-05-13T14:41:16.773+10:002012-05-13T14:41:16.773+10:00Anna - that name for Roller Derby - Superb Itch - ...Anna - that name for Roller Derby - Superb Itch - is the funniest thing ever! Love a girl who can laugh at her illness :)Carly Findlaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-87350609897588635682012-05-13T14:39:07.692+10:002012-05-13T14:39:07.692+10:00Kate - thank you for your comment. I see the mummy...Kate - thank you for your comment. I see the mummy wars played out online and I think it's the same as illness one upmanshiop. <br />As for the comparisons around your son's diagnoses - it can't be helpful for anyone.Carly Findlaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-85988083562516750732012-05-13T14:36:50.299+10:002012-05-13T14:36:50.299+10:00Glow - yes! I am reluctant to become deeply involv...Glow - yes! I am reluctant to become deeply involved in my comdition's Online support group for this very reason. I had bad experiences in the past - and now when I dabble, I see some negativity and judgement. <br />I found that ChIPS was the onlySupport group that was empathetic and supportive. The young people were amazing.Carly Findlaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1720872153813357167.post-55574092961803442912012-05-13T14:05:13.876+10:002012-05-13T14:05:13.876+10:00Great stuff. I think this happens across the disab...Great stuff. I think this happens across the disability spectrum. It's useful sometimes to compare impairments in a constructive way as I do with my prosthetics buddies - oh! that knee works for you - show me - etc, but ya that Oppression Olympics is a miserable and fruitless game. I think it is sometimes about jealousy - I wish we could all get our heads around each of us doing our best with what we have, and that needs to be CELEBRATED.Kath Duncannoreply@blogger.com