Tune into Radio Carly

Aim for the Stars, Changing Faces and cheese.

2012-02-03T19:38:00.004+11:00

It's been a funny week. After a four day weekend, I spent a short amount of time at work on Monday and then on Monday I went to hospital to get my sore foot looked at. The pain was excruciating. And so after a five and a half hour wait in emergency, a one hour consultation with a VERY NICE emergency doctor and a foot dressing, with instruction to return to the dermatologist the next morning. I had four days off work this week with couch rest. Last night I realised I hadn't had any human contact until someone knocked on my door at 9.30 pm alerting me to a car with its lights on. My foot is healing slowly and I can finally walk on it without wincing.

So today I went to work - it was good to see humans again. I stocked up on yummy foods from my green grocer and this for dinner.

Tasmanian cheese and salmon, hummus, tomato, fig, strawberries and grissini. I also made a cocktail of peach juice, ginger beer and white wine.

I also have some really exciting news... last week I got a call from surfer Layne Beachley who told me I have been successful in receiving a grant through her Aim for the Stars Foundation. I want to start the Australian branch of Changing Faces and proposed this idea in my Aim for the Stars application. The grants have been formally announced now so I wanted to tell you all here. Tonight I have a skype interview with the CEO of Changing Faces, and on Monday I meet with the Centre of Appearance Research who are here in Melbourne for a visit to discuss how I can work with them. I am so excited about all these opportunities coming to me!

(source)

Next stop to find a sponsor for BlogHer. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it.

It's all happening :)

Truths

2012-02-01T07:00:00.000+11:00

"I know who I am because I wrote it here. The strangest thing."
~ Eden Riley

There are things I'd never tell some of the people I know, yet I am comfortable with telling the world. It's like words are swirling though my body, yearning to get out. Maybe that is why I itch so much - the words are nagging at me to be released. There are things that I want to write but I don't. These are things I can't bring myself to tell people - because writing about them makes them more real. And it's on paper - or in this case, on the internet - forever, shaping me differently.

When I started this blog, I never thought I'd get too personal. I never thought I'd left real life collide with my blog. But my blog became real life. Because, I think it's impossible to believe, now the internet is so prevalent in our lives, that what happens online isn't real life. Especially if you write about your life.

I never thought I'd write about so many disability issues or share photos of my friends or write so openly about my skin. When I told my doctor I put a photo of my infected face on my blog, he was horrified, believing it would draw attention from nasty people. I was never going to write about loving someone so much, or about sex. I was never going to write about my flaws or insecurities. I guess I was pretty naive to think that my real life wouldn't collide with my blog. But all those things I thought best to hide - they're me. And my blog is me. And it's helped shape me and find my truths.

I think things seem gentler when they are written rather than spoken. It softens the blow writing them, and then sometimes, for the reader, they are raw and callous, a knife through the heard and a throat hard to swallow.

In my iPhone notes function I have 287 notes. Some are to do lists, others are song titles or setlists I noted down at concerts. There are many whole unedited blog entries among these notes. Lots of unsent letters and text drafts. And so many things that I have written that I can't say. It's strange what we keep to ourselves. Will the world be a worse place if they knew?

-

Last July I went to Nuffnang's Blogopolis conference. I was expecting it to be a really wonderful day. I was excited about seeing all the great friends I'd made, and new ones to be made. Eager to learn. I'd bought a new notebook and pen, and my phone was charged up. But in reality, I wanted to be anywhere but there. I look at my photos of the conference and party that followed, and they remind me that I never did write about what I'd learned there or who I'd met. I can't remember. (There were so many things I was supposed to write then, sponsored stuff. My health and my emotions were unwell. And I apologise for not committing.)

The night before Blogiopolis, I had dinner with Bern and went to the pre-conference party. I was really sore and I do remember that people were hugging me and brushing past my legs due to the cramped bar. My legs were in so much pain - it really did hurt to be touched that night.

When I got home, about 10 pm, I logged onto Facebook before bed and saw that after a month of very troubled times, he was so very desperate and was on his way out to go for a long drive. It's not like he has anywhere to be, he wrote, and he was leaving his dog at home. I panicked. He'd done it before - I'd seen the scars. I sent a text. No reply - it was the first time in a month that I hadn't heard from him - we'd been communicating too frequently (to my eventual dependence and detriment). The next morning I woke up early as my friends were coming by in a taxi to pick me up. Still no reply. I texted again, pretended to be calm. I hope you are ok.

This whole experience, up to that day and beyond, really taught me about how much I should reveal. While friends were just looking out, their judgment (of him) was difficult. "Don't worry about him, he's not your problem". "You'll only end up hurt". "You don't need someone like him in your life". All difficult to take. I didn't write about here, even though he gave me permission to as a way of coping. I couldn't find the words for a long time, and when I finally did, I'd text them into my phone and leave them there to scroll through. So I went the whole day of Blogopolis with only telling one person I was so worried for his safety. I pretended to check my phone for tweets, but I was really checking to see whether he was still alive.

He told me he was ok almost 24 hours after I saw that Facebook status. I didn't know what to say. I know I had a lot to drink at the afterparty, and I was very sad. I look back on that time, and realise what a toll it took on me. I felt a mess - emotionally and physically. I was in hospital a week later. It was hard knowing that a person I love so much was so desperate to end his life because the pain of recovery was too much. It was hard not writing about it too.

-

Two things were said (written) recently to make me think about that time again. In all honesty, I'm doing much better than I was. Happier, less thoughts devoted, not as resentful. But no less hurt. It almost made me not want to write, so I don't over think the situation (or lack of).

One thing he wrote made me want to ask "Are you ok?", again. Because I don't think things are. But it's not my place now, and so I don't. It doesn't mean I don't worry though. I don't think I have the strength to ask "are you ok?" and hear the answer. I can't take it on again. As Kings of Leon sing, call me now, baby, I'd come running.

The other thing he wrote, and perhaps during a time of desperation, was referring to love and me in the same sentence. I can't deal with that. Because actions don't match with words. And I feel like Somebody I used to know personified - addicted to a certain kind of sadness, shut off, cut out, glad that it is over, treated like a stranger (and that feels so rough), reading into every word you say and hung up on somebody that I used to know. (Tell me - is that song the most Facebook statused, relatable song ever?) So I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. Not even thanks. I can't be that person again. That person who is leaned on and confided in with no consideration of consequence. That person who is strung along with words of affection and feels important by being needed. That person who waits and worries for what's (not) coming next.
_

When I read that line (above) in Eden's blog, it resonated with me. I know who I am because I wrote it here. It's clarified my thoughts and enabled emotional growth. I am not sure if I'd be who I am today if it wasn't for my blog. Sometimes writing hurts. Speaking truths, realising things and having opinions thrown back at you. I've written blog entries that have made me feel I've run an emotional marathon, leaving me crying and worn out. But if I kept all those words inside, where would they go?

(source)

If you need to seek help, there is a comprehensive list of counseling helplines and websites here.

Advertise on Tune into Radio Carly

2012-01-30T07:00:00.000+11:00

You may recall last year I developed an online portfolio and press release. I'm not much good at working with brands yet, but I'm going to give it a go this year. I understand blog readers are sometimes averse to advertising, and I admit I am not a fan of blogs populated with advertising over content. I promise to keep the quality content happening here.

I am happy to display advertising on my blog. My blog averages around 25,000 unique hits a month, and has over 400 Google followers. I also have over 1,700 Twitter followers and my blog's Facebook page has over 550 fans. My blog is wide reaching - my blog reaches stay at home mums, people with ichthyosis and their parents, the chronic illness and disability community, and fashion and food lovers.

I am going to the BlogHer conference in New York in August 2012. I hope to seek sponsorship for this trip, and so I can work with you to promote your company in the best way possible.

If you would like an advertising spot, email me for my rate card.

Working with brands is not only limited to advertising. I am an accomplished speaker and budding TV presenter, and want to speak at YOUR organisation. Contact me if you are interested.

I am also looking to increase my freelance writing portfolio - I'd love to write for more media outlets - print and online.

If you would like me to write for you, please contact me to discuss the opportunity. You can view some of my best work here.

I also hope one day to turn some of my best writing into a book, detailing my experiences living with ichthyosis.

Thanks for your support :)

Thick skin.

2012-01-29T11:51:00.002+11:00

"To escape criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."
~ Elbert Hubbard

(source)

Considering my skin is physically very thin and fragile, I think I have pretty thick skin (metaphorically). And considering how much judgment I receive about my appearance, it's funny how I put myself out there to receive more.

The day job I have - writing and events - means that I'm prone to criticism whenever there's a spelling mistake or a misunderstanding or an omission of information in an invitation. When I write content at work, it comes back to me with track changes and red pen marks and arrows and opinions. I've learned to take this sort of criticism less personally - after all I'm presenting fact, rather than personal opinion - and use it to improve next time I write.

Choosing to blog and write outside of work has also meant I've had to develop a sense of resilience. Everyone's an editor, everyone's a critic, and they're not afraid to voice it.

After blogging about the Typo retard card last week, the reality of high readership, divisive opinions and the way people value words hit me. Of course, I am open to differing opinion, but when I am personally criticised for something I believe in - respect for people with disabilities - it can be hard. I resassured myself that many of the readers and commenters had come to my blog fresh, and with no context about why I write, or my involvement in the disability community. And from the comments I received on Twitter, Facebook and this blog, I realised that the issue needed to be raised to help people think different about how they use derogatory words.

Mia Freedman wrote about having thick skin. "Someone once said to me “What other people think of you is none of your business”. I think that’s excellent advice but it’s not always easy to follow. Because no matter how much you try not to care or be diverted by mindless abuse from strangers who can’t spell and use exclamation points with gay abandon, it can be tricky to look away."

It can be tricky. And for every positive comment I receive, the negative ones play on my mind more. Most bloggers say they write for themselves. I think this is true of myself to an extent - I don't consider my blog's audience as much as my audience at work. It feels great to have a readership, recognition and discussion generated. But when writing comes from a place of personal experience or strong belief, opinions from others can sting. Sometimes the sting is the same feeling as when my skin is sore and I rip off my stocking, leaving it bloody and throbbing. And fortunately like my skin, a sense of renewal ensues and the sting doesn't linger too long.

These past three weeks or so I've felt the skin on the sole of my foot gradually tear away from the arch. And it's become unbearably painful this long weekend. The pain is piercing and throbbing and makes my foot very hard to walk on, touch or have fabric next to. My feet are very ticklish too so I feel like I am aware of every movement or touch on my foot.

I am currently on the couch with my legs elevated, and my foot is drying from a salt bath. I'll spare you a photo of the wound site, because it is quite yucky. But here is a photo of my bandaged (Tubefasted?) foot last night - Mum and I went to St Kilda for Spanish Tapas - will blog about it soon. I was hobbling and I did realise that for one in my life, wearing heels would have been the more sensible option over flats because walking on the ball of my foot took the pressure off the pain. Sadly that is the only outfit photo from last night.

Aside from the salt bath, I've had to take antibiotics, panadol and bandage it up with cotton pads and antiseptic cream. Cutting the flappy skin away from my foot is the worst. This morning I went to buy some more crepe bandages. Who knew they were so expensive!?! I've been fortunate enough to get them from the hospital after a stay, but today I saw they are over $8 a bandage. Daylight robbery.

I also bought some healthy-ish comfort food to make me feel a bit better. Yalla chocolate mousse and mango yoghurt with granola, and some figs (there are about six in the container, and I will eat them quickly!) - among some other fruity goodies. A big shout out to The Happy Apple Grocer who always make me feel happy when I shop there. My breakfast was a glass of pineapple juice, a fig and the Yalla yoghurt.

My foot will be ok. It really is so painful, and I continue to hate the unpredictability of this condition, but I have to tell myself toughen up, princess, and just ride the pain out. It's good I enjoy sitting down so much!

This physical skin fragility has put the need for metaphorical skin thickness into perspective. The criticism I receive writing and putting my opinion out there could never be as painful as the skin tear and infection on my foot.

It hasn't been all doom and gloom this long weekend. Mum's been here and we have had a nice time cooking and eating good food, cleaning up a bit and drinking wine. I received some super exciting news which I will be able to reveal publicly soon. I also booked my flights to Los Angeles and New York via Auckland - thanks for all the airline advice on Twitter - I'll be flying Air New Zealand. I arrive in Los Angeles on 22 July and get to New York on 26 July, returning 12 August! And I also bought a new washing machine because mine broke. Looks like I'll be living on beans and rice until the end of the year to pay for it all.

Australia Day

2012-01-26T16:08:00.001+11:00

Happy Australia Day! I've been relaxing and listening to Aussie rock songs and just come back from a Malaysian cafe for a late Laksa lunch. The first song I heard on the radio this morning was Great Southern Land. Such an appropriate song for the day.

I'm over on Mamamia today talking about what Australia Day means to me. I'm in good company with Jess Rudd, Anita Heiss, Benjamin Law, Bern Morley, Aminata Conteh and Susan Carland.

I wrote on Mamamia how the 'us and them' mentality on Australia Day (and beyond) saddens me. Today Facebook and Twitter is awash with the 'real Australians', 'we grew here, you flew here' and 'invasion day' statements. Nationalism/patriotism/racism seems more prevalent in this past decade, though it may be that way because everyone seems to express an opinion on social media. There's a belief among some that if a person's heritage doesn't date back to Captain Phillip and his settlement who arrived here on 26 January 1788, they're not a true Australian.

As my friend said, it's Australia Day, not "people I choose to recognise as Australian" day.

My wish for Australia Day and the year ahead is for the us and them mentality to become less prevalent, and fears of other cultures to dissipate.

Engaging with children is funny

2012-01-24T07:00:00.000+11:00

Last Thursday I wrote about how nice it was to engage with a child on the tram. I had another experience of engaging with a child I want to share with you. Because it's making me laugh just thinking about it, and I hope it makes you laugh too.

(Photo sourced from Bern Morley with permission)

I don't often get children asking me funny questions about my skin. Perhaps that stems from the discomfort I mentioned when they do get scared/curious. But on Friday night when I had dinner at Bern Morley's house and met her great family for the first time - they really are just how she's described on her blog - her youngest had us in stitches due to his upfront-ness and curiosity. He told us about his girlfriend, showed us how to kiss, and generally wouldn't sit still.

The kids took to me pretty well - forward with conversation and not shying away. About an hour and a half into the night, after dinner, Jack, who has just turned five and so very cute and cheeky, came up to me with his colouring book and crayons. He said he'd colour in a picture for me, because he is "VERY GOOD AT COLOURING IN" - it is like he speaks in caps lock all the time.

He rubbed up against my arm and asked 'where is your real skin?'. His voice was lower than caps lock this time.

I was stumped. Never been asked that question before. "Ummm. This is my real skin", I answered, trying not to laugh.

I can't remember exactly how the conversation went after that, but I did explain I was born like this, just like he was born with green eyes.

In caps lock Jack said "LIKE I WAS BORN WITH BIG RED NUTS!"

We all laughed so hard!

"I was", Jack said".

"I wasn't born with big red nuts" I replied.

"WHY?" Jack asked.

"Because girls aren't born with nuts", Bern told him.

When he went to bed, he gave me a kiss goodnight. I told him he's the first boy who's kissed me in ages. He promptly wiped his mouth. Adorable.

Sunday snippets - Instagram mania

2012-01-22T19:10:00.000+11:00

Here are a few pictures from this week. There's a lot of food! And I have really taken to Instagram! You told me so!

Farmers market breakfast. Best. So much goodness from brioche, poached egg, polenta, fennel, apple and cabbage salad, salsas and zatar spice.

Chocolate martini at After the Tears.

Some beauty growing on the nature strip.

On Monday I got an airconditioner installed in my room. It is heaven.

This book is making me excited! I want to do Brooklyn flea market so much! We are so close to booking flights and accommodation!

I am trying very hard to save. While I did pick up a sensible sunhat and a pair of walking shoes, I splurged ($12) on these forest animal rings from Sportsgirl.

A pork dumpling from Miss Chu.

Like seven inches from the midday sun. Such a scorcher on Tuesday. This was taken on iPhone but filtered with Swankolab.

Very sore on Wednesday. I'll save your eyes by not posting a picture of my bloody leg (but you may have already seen it on Twitter or Facebook). I went home from work sick, and had a big rest. The pharmacy home delivered. I am still a bit sore.

A mini Reece's peanut butter cup. Amazing.

A wrapped cup.

Lollypop dress outside After the Tears.

I want these shoes so badly. These were not the sensible walking shoes I bought. I saw them in Paper magazine while waiting for the aircon to be installed.

Lunch at work (paella - pot lucked from the freezer) with a faux beach view.

Croquembouche cupcake.

Drinks menu. I had a frozen coconut and pineapple on that scorcher of a day.

All in all, not a bad week, despite being sore. Hope your week ahead is a great one!

Sunday snippets can be found at tinniegirl.

Eat your greens

2012-01-21T10:44:00.000+11:00

When does a side dish of greens become less about fibre and folate and more about pleasure? When it is turned into a delicious buttery puree of course.

Step 1: cook half a bag of frozen peas (or 500g of fresh shelled peas) on gentle heat with two garlic cloves, some stock paste (or a small amount of chicken stock) and butter - maybe 50 grams. Don't overcook - you want the greens to stay vibrant, in both colour and taste.

Step 2: puree the greens gently with a stick blender, still maintaining some texture. Stir though another 50 grams of butter, some shavings of parmesan and pepper. Top with crumbled feta, and it's done.

This so full of flavour - creamy and luscious, and delicious paired with lamb and grilled capsicum.

Enjoy!

UPDATED: Dear Typo. Using the word 'retard' in your products is not acceptable.

2012-01-20T12:44:00.001+11:00

I stopped into Typo to buy a card in my lunch break. I am still on my lunch break - I've popped into an internet cafe to write this. Because I feel so strongly about it.

On the wall of cards - some cute, some kitsch, and some retro, I saw this.

Disgusting.

It is never right to use the word 'retard', or to suggest people with disabilities are any less intelligent or valuable than those without.

After Typo's reference to pornography on their stationery recently (and Ruth Limkin's fantastic blog alerting me to the issue), I thought other offensive products may be removed from the shelves too.

Shame on you Typo for ridiculing and devaluing people with disabilities. Shame on you for trying to make people laugh with this card. I would never give it to anyone, and would hate to receive one.

You may have removed the pornography products to protect children, but you're not doing them (or the wider population) any favours selling this discriminatory attitude toward people with disabilities either.

Readers:

Typo’s parent company is Cotton On. Send them an email at customerenquiries@cottonon.com.au
Or you can write on the Typo Facebook Page or Tweet them.

Update:

Typo responded to my tweets, Facebook message and blog entry via Twitter and Facebook.

"Hi Carly, this product was introduced 12 months ago and was not intended as a comment on people with a disability. We thank you for your comments. All remaining stock of this product will be removed as part of our current review".

Thank goodness.

Though I am not sure what it was supposed to be a comment on. It is a quote from Megan Fox - so perhaps it was reiterating how thoughtless she is?

The fact this product was designed, approved, manufactured and placed on shelves indicated Typo's design department needs some more stringent checks and balances.

In the comments below, people have discussed boycotting Typo. I don't think I'll be boycotting them - I like their stuff. I actually bought a book on New York and some (tasteful) cards there today. But I will be on the look out for more of these disrespectful and discriminatory products and speaking up.

To those who think this is an overreaction, or that myself and commenters are being wowsers - think about this: if we want to change the way people think about disability, and encourage acceptance and inclusion, we have to start by speaking up against acts like this. And this wasn't a small act like someone in the street calling someone else a retard. This was a big corporate, with social responsibility (endlessly plugging the charities they (want their customers) to support at the registers) who used the word 'retard' on a product for sale.

There is no justification for this word. Intent, word origin, colloquialism, youth speak - I don't accept these reasons. This card indicates people with disabilities are less than valuable.

People can argue about word origins and colloquialism all they want. But it's not acceptable to use the word 'retard' or 'spastic'. So don't.

Engaging with children is nice.

2012-01-19T07:00:00.000+11:00

(Photo sourced with permission from Ben Harris- Roxas via Flickr)

I'm not too confident around children. Their staring and questions make me uncomfortable - and when they get scared of my appearance, it makes me sad. I'm sure it's a hangup from my childhood, remembering the way children treated me, and my clumsy and sometimes verbally defensive and persistent interaction with them.

Dinner one night before my birthday last year with Stella Young taught me something. A child was staring at us, two people who looked remarkably different. I grew uncomfortable but Stella smiled and said hello. She told me she often asks children whether they have any questions about her. I liked this approach, and made it a bit of a resolution to engage with children more, to hopefully make them more at ease around me and others with disabilities. And it's children who will change the world.

On the tram on Tuesday there was a little girl who was staring at me so I smiled and said hello. She was such a cute poppet - she wore a pastel chiffon dress and massive Dora the Explorer sunglasses that kept falling off her nose.

She struck up a conversation with me - we talked about her party dress, her princess Barbie and her mum. I asked her what her name was - Angela, then I told her mine, she said 'pleased to meet you Carly'.

Her dad told me it was her fourth birthday that day, and she said she was out with her daddy while her mummy baked her birthday cake and prepared for her party that afternoon.

As she got off the tram, she said goodbye, blew me a kiss and said I wish you were coming to my party'. I melted.

So cute, glad I smiled at her. And such a positive experience. I didn't have to explain my appearance to her, but by simply talking to her and taking interest, she felt more comfortable sitting next to me.

It is often parents who shape their childrens' beliefs and prejudices. This little girl was clearly raised well. We, with disabilities and visibly different appearances, can also help to shape children's beliefs and acceptance. We don't need to parent them, just educate them at a level they can understand, and show them we are friendly and willing to chat as much as 'normal' looking people.

Sometimes we can get so caught up in the things that make us sad we forget about the things that make us happy. On Tuesday night, I reflected on the day I'd had. Some of it was frustrating and I wasn't feeling that confident about my ability - lately I've been second guessing myself. It was also a super hot day and I was quite sore.

And then I remembered - the lunch I had at Miss Chu's with my friend, taking some photos of the scorching sky, and being on the tram talking to this little girl. I'd won her over and she wasn't frightened. And that made me smile again. :)

(Photo sourced with permission from Good Googs)

My lovely friend and childhood behaviour consultant Nathalie from Easy Peasy Kids has written a guest post for my blog about children and acceptance. My blog is definitely not a parenting blog, but I think, after this story I've shared with you, her post is most relevant. Look out for it soon.

Thanks to Ben and Zoey for giving me permission to source and publish photos of their gorgeous girls on my blog. I never feel right publishing photos of children on my blog - so you've helped me out a lot. Much appreciated!

FilmLife Project Blogger Challenge for organ donation

2012-01-18T07:00:00.000+11:00

This post is part of the FilmLife Blogger Challenge.

(Picture by CurlyPops)

The FilmLife Project was created to create awareness and conversations about organ donation through short film.

From the FilmLife Project website:

"FilmLife Project is a collaborative project in conjunction with Donate Life Week 2012 (19-26 February), that aims to inspire and encourage young people to have conversations that ask and find out their loved ones wishes around organ and tissue donation.

FilmLife exists to capture the stories of organ donation and transplantation through the eyes of young filmmakers.

We believe that more people need to be asking and knowing their loved one’s wishes, and we’re inviting passionate people to spark these conversations by creating films about organ and tissue donation."

My wonderful friend Camille asked me to take part in the FilmLife blogger challenge.

I think it is so important to give your organs and tissue to those that need them after you die. I also think it's important to donate your organs and tissue to research to help others. Your organs and tissue could save the lives of up to 10 people, and improve the lives of many more. (Donate Life states "in 2010, 309 organ donors gave 931 Australians a new chance in life".)

Camille needs a new set of lungs and I want to raise awareness about organ donation so that she gets a new set of lungs. She's on the transplant list, so I hope she receives new lungs soon. Camille's life would be made so much easier with a new set of lungs - spending time with her has certainly opened my eyes to how much we take our breathing for granted. I'd love for her to get a new lease of life, and for her not to wait too long.

One of my friends' brothers passed away a few years ago - it was so very tragic as he was so young and it was very unexpected, but he believed in organ donation and spoke to his family about his wishes when he got his drivers licence. Through the donation of his organs, the lives of seven other people were saved. You can read his story here.

I think knowing people who have been impacted by organ donation makes the decision to donate easier. You can see the importance of donating life to someone who needs a chance.

While it isn't strictly organ donation, I have donated my time and body to research - when I go to the hospital, I see many doctors in training, and them examining my body and me talking about my condition helps them learn about ichthyosis (from physical, emotional and humourous aspects too) and treat future patients. So if you have the time, say yes to talking to student doctors - it helps them, and it helps others.

If I were given the opportunity to donate my organs, firstly, I hope my lungs can go to Camille. The hospital can take the lot - my eyes, heart, teeth - whatever's useful and needed. I am obviously going to donate my skin to research. People are quite envious of my breasts, so perhaps if anyone's in the mood for an implant, they can have those too! ;)

I have spoken to my parents about my wishes for my organs and tissue. I am registered on the Australian Organ Donor Register via Medicare. If you have registered, or are considering, make sure you speak to your family too.

Camille has a blog link up happening here. You can join the blogger challenge too.

More information:

FilmLife Project Website
FilmLife Project on Facebook
FilmLife Project on Twitter

Fact sheets about organ donation

Dolphin Tale - enlightened by a disabled dolphin

2012-01-16T07:00:00.000+11:00

(source)

Upon watching Dolphin Tale, I never would have expected it to be a story about disability.

Dolphin Tale, a dramatisation of a true story, is a film about the rehabilitation of a cheeky amputee dolphin. It stars Harry Connick Junior, Ashley Judd and young Nathan Gamble. Winter, named by the staff at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium in Florida, was found washed up on a Florida beach, tangled in a crab net. Winter's injuries were so severe on her tail that it had to be amputated. She underwent rehabilitation in a large pool at the marine hospital, with staff watching her around the clock.

Sawyer, the shy 11 year old who was one of the first to attend to Winter, cutting her free from the rope with his Swiss army knife, found assisting with Winter's recovery more educating and fulfilling than summer school. He visited the hospital each day, doing jobs around the place and keeping Winter afloat and fed. He also sparked up a close friendship with Hazel, the vet's daughter. She responded the best to Sawyer – the marine aquarium staff referred to Sawyer was Winter's mother.

(source)

The amputation of Winter's tail meant she was moving it from side to side – her way of adapting her body to swim. However, this placed pressure on her spine, and would have led to the deterioration of her condition.Winter was given an artificial tail, created by prosthetic surgeon Dr Cameron McCarthy (played by Morgan Freeman). Many prototypes were created, and Winter didn't adapt to them because of the discomfort. Finally Dr MCCarthy created an artificla tail with a silicone sleeve that enabled Winter to move her tail up and down.

(Source)

There was a strong (and unexpected) likeness between the dolphin and Sawyer's cousin Kyle, the young soldier returned from war with a disability. Kyle was a college swimming champion, with hopes to compete in the Olympics. The service in the army would give him a wage enough to pay for his swimming training, he'd hoped. Instead, it left him with temporary paralysis in his right leg and the need to walk with a brace. (It was Kyle's prosthetic surgeon who developed Winter's artificial talil) When Kyle saw Winter's recovery, and how she inspired others with a disability, his outlook became more positive.

Although very simplified, Dolphin Tale showed the similarities in the difficult adjustment to acquired disabilities faced by humans and animals. Just as Kyle struggled with his pride and physical capabilities after become disabled at war, Winter struggled with the loss of her tail, and then the initial prosthetic attachments.

It also explored the value placed on disability. Initially the lack of value - the vet and board members lamenting that no zoo wants a dolphin with a disability, and the dent Kyle's disability made on his self worth. And then, with a visit from a little girl who was an amputee, eager to see the dolphin that was just like her, Winter's value was realised. She could teach and inspire humans about disability. Winter has inspired so many people with disability – people visit and swim with her.

Similarly to We Bought a Zoo, Dolphin Tale also touched on the themes of the financial struggles to keep the marine hospital open, and the way impending animal death brings back memories of human death and the desire to keep someone who is suffering alive for as long as possible.

Dolphin Tale was inspiring and moving. I think it's a great movie to teach children about disability.

Clearwater Marine Aquarium has a website where you can find out more about Winter and the movie, as well as watch a web-cam of her swimming. Visit http://seewinter.com/

Dolphin Tale is showing in Australian cinemas now.

Instagramming it up

2012-01-14T20:33:00.000+11:00

So I got through so much of my to-do list today. Tomorrow is another full day of writing, and then I'll have dinner with the lovely Lanelle! I can't wait. Feeling very pleased with my productivity.

I signed up to Instagram when I had a break from doing stuff. If you use it too, look me up - I am carlyfindlay.

I have never seen the appeal of retro looking photos. I mean, I like actual retro photos, but I can't quite see the reason for making modern day photos look retro. But today I saw the light. And I have come to love Instagram. It is quirky and whimsical. I can see myself Instagramming my every move through the day.

Here are some of my photos I Instagrammed. Because I didn't do anything very exciting today, they are mostly 'retro' photos - circa 2010/11.

I'm Instagramming it with the best of them.

Mexican eggs for breakfast

2012-01-14T11:49:00.001+11:00

This weekend is a weekend of pure relaxation. The house is tidy, I have what I need here, so there'll be no going out until tomorrow night. I'm staying in, cooking, listening to music (currently Nirvana), relaxing in my hoodie (it's freezing in Melbourne!) and working through my writing to do list. Easing my way into the writing with this blog entry!

Last night I was flicking through my Jamie's America cookbook - reading about the foods I may experience in America. It is an amazing book - packed with stories of the melting pot of cultures and beautiful pictures.

This morning I woke up with a mission - to make Mexican eggs, inspired by Jamie Oliver.

Mission accomplished. I cooked this for breakfast. Mexican eggs and bacon: duck eggs scrambled with chilli and coriander, avocado, tomato, bacon, lemon, cheese + salsa.

Here is the recipe. Adjust quantities to suit the number of people you are serving/how hungry you are.

Heat non stick fry pan on stove - medium heat, and place two lean bacon rashers in the pan. They will cook as the pan heats. (You can leave this bit out if you don't eat bacon. I am sure chorizo sausage would be good too.)

Lightly beat two eggs (I used duck eggs) with a drizzle of full fat milk, a small handful of coriander and half a green chilli. Season with salt. Put to the side.

Cut up one lemon into quarters, one tomato and one avocado and put onto a plate. Squeeze a quarter of lemon over the avocado so it doesn't go brown. You could probably include corn (fresh or tinned) too.

Cut or grate (I hate grating so I cut) about 50 grams of tasty cheese. Put half into the beaten eggs and save half.

By this time the bacon should be cooked. Take it out of the pan and put it on the plate with the tomato and avocado.

Heat some butter in the pan, and when melted, turn down the stove's heat and pour the beaten eggs into the pan. Agitate gently with a spoon or spatula. Cooking should take about three minutes. The eggs should be cooked when they are still runny.

Put the scrambled eggs onto the plate, top with the remaining cheese and drizzle with lemon and salsa - I used Byron Bay green chilli salsa.

Soooooooo good! Makes a difference to going out for breakfast!

Love your body - be SunSmart

2012-01-13T07:30:00.000+11:00

This post is part of the SunSmart Love Your Body blog carnival.

One of the most common questions I receive is "Are you sunburnt?". If you have been reading long enough, you'll know the answer to that one - I'm not sunburnt. In fact, I take special care in the sun, because I don't want to damage my already very sensitive skin. I need to love my skin.

I can't use sunscreen. I do worry about how quickly my skin burns without it. I also worry about the damage sunscreen may do to my skin if I use it. (Please don't offer suggestions for sunscreens. I have my own skincare routine that works for me.) So in lieu of this, I ensure I cover up as much as I can.

Here is my sunsmart outfit. Keeps me cool, keeps me protected from the sun. Despite what people think, wearing clothes that cover up the body is not hot, nor unflattering.

I don't go to the beach much, the last time I did was in 2009. Here is what I wore. It may have not been the skimpy bikini that attracts wolf whistles (and the reason for me going to the beach was not to attract wolf whistles either) but my outfit protected me from the sun.

A few years ago I went to the cinema to escape the heat. I saw too movies, because it was just so hot. Of course I had to get too and from the cinema - walking to the train station and back. I covered up so much - long skirt, long sleeves, leggings, hat and sunglasses - and in between the movies, I felt I needed to warm up after being in the icy cinema. So I sat under the glass roof of the shopping centre for five minutes - still wearing my hat and sunglasses. And this is what happened. In reverse.

And now is where I get preachy, and a bit like my Nanny I see so many young people not being sunsmart. Sunbaking on the beach. Sunbaking in a solarium. Getting around wearing not very much (girls - I don't want to see your bum cheeks hanging out of your denim shorts, no matter how great your legs and bum is). There seems to be a need to change the way we look, through the creation of a tan. In the past, people slathered tanning oil on their skin and baked themselves like chickens roasting on the beach. A tan was considered as healthy. But now we know it's not.

The facts are:

A tan is not healthy. A tan is a sign of sunburn. SunSmart says "Sunburn is radiation burns to the skin.

SunSmart also states:

"Sunburn at any age, whether serious or mild, can cause permanent and irreversible skin damage that can lay the groundwork for skin cancer later in life. Increased sun protection against sun exposure will prevent skin cancer at whatever age it is applied.

The amount of sun exposure required to cause sunburn varies greatly from person to person. People with white and light brown skin tend to be more sensitive to the sun and burn more easily. In summer, a fair-skinned person can burn in as little as 15 minutes. People with darker skin are less sensitive to the sun and may rarely burn."

I've spent many hours in the dermatology clinic waiting room. Hundred of hours over my life. I don't talk to many people in the waiting room. I mostly pass the (long waiting) time by listening to music and reading magazines, and sometimes I do research or emails for work.

One day a man struck up a conversation with a man. He would have been in his 60s and said he'd seen me at the clinic previously. He told me his grandson was with him the last time he'd seen me, and had asked him about my skin. We talked about how regularly we come to these clinics - he attends them far more than me. He told me he has skin cancer. He showed me the backs of his hands. They were scarred, the skin fragile. He said he'd just had skin grafts for his skin cancer. That was the second time he'd had skin grafts. His cancer returned after the first skin grafts. He said that it took a year for the skin grafts to take to his hands, and he had very limited feeling on his hands.

The man told me the skin cancer was not limited to his hands. He'd had melanoma spots on other places of his body. He said that he'd been working as an outdoor labourer since his late teens, exposed to the sun every day. He wished he knew about being sunsmart when he was younger. So he could have helped to prevent the cancer he suffered from now.

I remember that conversation well. I thought about the information we have about the dangers of the sun, and whether it will make a difference to skin cancer rates when my generation is 60.

Take care of your skin in the sun. Cover up with a hat and protective clothing. Wear sunscreen (SunSmart recommends SPF 30+ sunscreen), stay in the shade and wear sunglasses. Just like not smoking, eating a balanced diet and drinking moderately, being sun smart is crucial to a healthy body. Your skin is your body's largest organ. It is a vital organ. Love your skin. Please.
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For more sun protection tips, visit the SunSmart website.

(I was not paid for this post.)

Can we really call this breakfast?

2012-01-12T20:09:00.000+11:00

When breakfast is really just dessert in disguise. Banana and passionfruit French toast with marscapone, maple syrup and meringue.

I don't care what my teacher says, I want to be a super model

2012-01-07T18:10:00.002+11:00

In the first week back at work for the year (only 51 more to go, people!) - a week where public transport ticket prices went up, Melbourne weather fluctuated between ridiculously hot and wind chills, each hour during the day felt like three and I took a fleeting interest in cricket (Michael Clarke 329 not out), there was only one certainty. Laksa King for dinner tonight.

When I went to go to get my cider (what a bargain it was at $13 for a six pack!) while I waited for my laksa to be made, the takeaway beeper started vibrating and beeping. I felt very important, like I was very busy in two places at once, being called to attend to a very important situation - picking up laksa. I almost felt like a doctor. A doctor of food appreciation perhaps. I feel very cross-cultural with my Tasmanian cider and Malaysian laksa, all the way from Flemington.

This arrived in the mail today. It's my Darren Hayes fanclub pack. Very exciting! I especially love the patch, which I have considered using as a feature on a handmade iPad case, when I get my iPad (I neeeeeeeed one for BlogHer in New York. I do.).

Progression has been made on the New York trip planning front. I booked my leave yesterday (nothing like preparing for a holiday on the first week back at work for the year). I am taking four weeks and one day off work - one day to get my stuff together, three weeks overseas and one week to recover. I also sourced two luggage tags (I think they're going to be my new interest, the way I love brooches), and got one of my passports acquainted with its new home - a beautiful leather passport wallet which I received for Christmas. I especially like the popcorn luggage tag. My mission for America is to pack light, so I probably won't need any more luggage tags because I shall only take one suitcase and a carry-on.

And I now have a small collection of New York travel books, and a large collection of travel brochures. All I want to do is eat street food, visit everywhere Felicity went and perhaps go to Sesame Street, but it appears New York City has so much more to offer.

With these small things sorted, I feel like my trip is becoming a reality. I have a list of questions to ask my doctors when I go to hospital on Tuesday. I am sure I will be over prepared.

Something else that became a reality this week was my excess Twitter use. Just as I sometimes spend time frittering my money away, this week I was twittering my time away. I was tweeting on two devices - my iPhone and MacBook (hello Apple!) and my cerebral something or other in my brain was getting quite the intellectual workout. I spent quite some time thinking of 'less ambitious books' - using the hashtag #lessambitiousbooks. Some of mine were 'Snugglepot and Cuddlepastry', 'Charlie and the Carob Factory', 'The Guinness Book of MP3s' and 'Pippi Ankle Sock'. LOL indeed.

And today I pretended to be a supermodel. I won't get out of bed for less than $5K. Unless you were giving me any amount of vouchers from the shopping centre to spend, then I'd get out of bed. Or if I was hungry - then I'd get out of bed for free. It wouldn't take much actually. The lovely Cam took some photos of me in different outfits for an upcoming feature somewhere. Vague I know. It was fun, but the constant changing of outfits meant I got a bit sore from the scraping of the clothes. Here is a sneak peak.

It was fun choosing all the outfits and accessories and packing them in my case this morning (the most economical packing I've ever done, and Cam was a brilliant photographer - very encouraging! Whenever I got to Cam's house, I eat! We had morning tea - sampling two halves of sweet tarts - apple and lime - and then went to a bakery for lunch. Meeting up with Twitter turned real life friends means it is acceptable to take photos of food and tweet mid meal. I shared a coke with Comet. I felt like I was sharing it with the Jebediah song She's Like a Comet. Sort of.

I swear the names on the Cokes are strange. I haven't seen my name yet, and my name was a bit common in the Carly Simon era.

Finally, and don't say I don't regularly do community service work, the highlight of my day on Thursday was when my colleague said to me 'that actor you love, you know the one whose photos you have stuck all around your desk, the one with the scar on his face. Have you seen that ad? He looks a bit gross'. And so I asked her if the ad was for the new Channel 10 show Bikie Wars. Yes she said. And so I did the only logical thing - googled Callan Mulvey on my phone. I was in love. A long haired, scruffy Callan Mulvey.

No need to thank me. He is hot isn't he?

Ok, I am off to eat my Laksa King, I had to leave it a bit so I wasn't eating at old person/hospital time. I'm starving Marvin!

Being Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey

2012-01-06T20:09:00.001+11:00

Being Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey, now showing at ACMI cinema in Melbourne, is a brilliant documentary about a man achieving his dream and making millions of others' dreams come true too.

The documentary showcases the life of Kevin Clash, a man who aspired to work with Jim Henson as a puppeteer, and worked hard to make his dream a reality. Clash grew up in a black community in Baltimore - his parents couldn't afford luxuries, but they gave him the world by encouraging him to pursue puppeteering. He watched shows such as Captain Kangaroo and Sesame Street as a child, and made his own puppets based on the characters he saw on television. He was teased at school for 'playing with dolls', but also named the most likely to be a millionaire in his highschool yearbook.

His mentors were Jim Henson and puppet engineer Kermit Love, and he worked his way to puppeteering characters on Sesame Street and movies such as The Labyrinth and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Colleagues commend his incredible talent to become the characters he puppeteers - his voice synching, arm work and puppet expressions are so very relaxed.

Clash was encouraged to approach Jim Henson, expressing interest in working for him. He was told that Henson did not yet have a black cast member.

(source)

The archival footage was impressive - with footage of old time Sesame Street, Clash's visit to New York in the late 1970s and footage of Jim Henson.
Clash has puppeteered a few characters on Sesame Street - Hoots the Owl, Clifford and Baby Sinclair, but is most famous for being Elmo, the loveable red furry monster. Colleagues say they can see a lot of Clash in Elmo. Clash says Elmo's loving personality is his parents combined - Elmos's creative and curious side comes from his Dad, and Elmo's zest for life comes from his Mum.

Elmo started out as having a bit of a gruff voice, originally puppeteered by a number of people, lastly Richard Hunt, who didn't gel with the puppet. He passed Elmo onto Cash, challenging him to see whether he could bring this character to life. And so he did - in an extraordinary way, giving Elmo a larger than life personality.

Elmo is arguably Sesame Street's biggest character, and I believe has been used to teach children about global issues through appearances with Kofi Annan, Hilary Clinton and Michelle Obama, to name a few.

(source)

Kevin Clash now mentors international casts of Sesame Street, is an executive producer of the program, and teaches aspiring puppeteers. It was amazing to see his his journey take shape and his dreams come true.

There were a few really poignant things I learned in the documentary.

Puppets are alive. They have the ability to educate children in a way that adults can't. Clash spoke of the research done by Sesame Street and he said that children were learning and influenced by Elmo the most.

Kevin Clash started his puppeterering career doing performances to children with disabilities in his local area. There was a scene at a special school where his puppet was talking to a little boy with a disability. Kevin, the puppet and the boy were all on the same level - the puppet performance was so inclusive, and made this boy feel very special, yet no different. Clash also spoke of the impact Elmo had on children - an impact he didn't realise early on. Sick children have contacted Sesame Street HQ, asking if Sesame Street could make their wish come true. Often meeting Elmo is a child's dying wish.

(source)

I also realised just how much Sesame Street embraces and promotes diversity. From the beginning, the street had a mixture of ethnicities, and Clash said he noticed this from when he watched the premiere in 1969. He felt like he belonged on that street - that the street was his community, and the characters spoke to him and welcomed him. Sesame Street is very diverse - with a range of puppets and also the humans on the street that come from different backgrounds and have a range of abilities.

Being Elmo is moving and clever. It is uplifting. There is truly so much to a puppet - the work that goes into creating them and making them come alive is incredible. Interestingly, with all the technology available, Elmo comes to life simply by a man using his creativity, hand and voice, and his desire to teach children and make the world a happier, more loving and accepting place.

(source)

More information at beingelmo.com.

Some exciting news!

2012-01-03T20:39:00.002+11:00

I survived the first day back at work for the year. Only approximately 29 weeks until my American holiday!!

I have a few blog post ideas on the go - drafts in my iPhone, written in last night's 30 degree heat (I couldn't sleep) but you'll have to excuse me for this super short post.

Today when I got home, I had a package in the mail. I actually had three packages, all quite exciting. But the most exciting package was one containing a formal offer for me to do some casual community engagement work, speaking about my ichthyosis and diversity to school students! It will be in addition to my full time job and other commitments (thesis, writing, blog, trip planning) but I am still SO excited! To think it all started because I gave a speech to a group of Girl Guides in October!

I'm on my way to my dream. 2012 will be my year!

(That bit of good news helped me cope with the news that Hamish Blake is now off the market. He is engaged. Not to me. Obviously. Because if it were the case, THAT news would have surpassed the news that I've just written about. Congratulations to him and his fiance. :) Seriously. I am happy for them.)

Ringing in an early New Year with Bob Evans

2012-01-01T12:08:00.000+11:00

Happy New Year everybody!!

Last night's New Year's Eve celebrations were very low key. After driving four hours, the heat and feeling a bit sore, I was in no mood to party like it was 1999 (I don't think I did then either?). And so I opted for spending time on my own, doing what I love. I saw Bob Evans (Kevin Mitchell from Jebediah) in the park. At 7.45 pm.

Breaking news: Bob Evans is better than Justin Bieber, according to two young (12 year old?) girls. His new biggest fans. I have some competition. I'm not too worried - I expect to see them at his pub gigs in 2018.

I set out for Yarra Park, which is shaded my the MCG. I felt like the oldest non-parent there. Prior to the show Bob/Kevin did warn me of what I may be in for.

I am not sure whether I was in time for the Zinger Zongers, but what I did see was bearable - a band heavy on the drums and fire breathing and some breakdancers who had apparently performed with Run DMC and The Black Eyed Peas.

Melbourne's free NYE celebrations had a gold theme and at Yarra Park, there was gold aplenty - hats, bows, skirts and facepaint. (When I was on the tram I saw a man dressed in a skintight Papa Smurf costume, which was definitely the best costume I've ever seen.)

The park was full of kids (and their parents) having a great time! I was almost stabbed with a balloon (problematic due to my latex allergy) and I was asked by an adorable three year old girl to umpire a bouncy ball dispute between her and another toddler. "But I was just plaaaaaaaying with my ball and he took it", she told me. There were babies dancing in tutus and tweens screaming for Bob Evans. Oh yes. It was incredibly cute and funny. I imagine had I been 12, I would have been hyperventilating too.

He came on the stage and there were squeals of "I love you" and "OMG". These squeals continued throughout the show, along with hearts made with their hands, and a request for Bob/Kevin to give them his shoes - "my mother wouldn't be proud of me if I walked the streets of Melbourne with no shoes", he said, gently quashing these tweens' hopes of scoring their new favourite rockstar's shoe.

If you look closely you will see a heart made out of a tween's hands.

I refer to my breaking news above - the tweens declared Bob Evans is better than Justin Bieber. And he asked whether he's up there with Reece Mastin (the winner of the last season of the Australian X Factor). I couldn't quite get the tweens' answer - but I kind of think Reece Mastin sounds like Pink. And people agree with me. Anyway, after the show, MC Denise Scott (Australian comedian and actor), bespeckled in a glittery gold jacket, suggested that the tweens may need some oxygen, and said the NYE party in Yarra Park was like Woodstock for five year olds.

So, what did I think of the Bob Evans show? Of course it was fantastic! He played a 45 minute set which included (not in order) Darlin won't you come?, Nowhere without you, Sadness and whiskey, Hand me downs, Someone so much, Brother oh brother, Turn, Pasha Bulker and Don't you think it's time?. His lyrics are so beautiful and I was really reflecting on Don't you think it's time? Very fitting for the year that's just been, and the year ahead.

Don't you think it's time
Time to start anew
Time for changing views
Time for making up your mind

Don't you think it's time
Time for moving on
Time for growing strong
Time to leave the past behind

You've been on my mind
Oh you've been on my mind
You've been on my mind
Oh you've been on my mind

Don't you think it's time
Time for quelling fear
Time for a new year
Time for meaning what you say

Don't you think it's time
Time for easing doubt
Time for reaching out
Time to open up your eyes

You've been on my mind
Oh you've been on my mind
You've been on my mind
Oh you've been on my mind

Don't you think it's time
Time for trusting more
Without keeping score
Time to let forgiveness out

Don't you think it's time
Time for showing grace
Time for having faith
Time to make more of this time

You've been on my mind
Oh you've been on my mind
You've been on my mind
Oh you've been on my mind"

I caught Melbourne's Lord Mayor making a very brief speech and then left before the fireworks. While Bob/Kevin went to the Espy in St Kilda to front Jebediah at a more adult show, I was home before 10 pm, feeling a bit sore and sunburnt, and I drifted to sleep listening to This American Life and The Minutes podcasts. At 11.55 pm I awoke to a text message, and then my neighbours starting cheering and the fireworks erupted - I got up out of bed and watched them from my balcony. And more text messages came in. It was a nice night.

Bob/Kevin also tweeted me after the show! Yay!

Reflections of 2011

2011-12-31T15:43:00.002+11:00

(source)

2011 was a trying year. Thank goodness for the great times, hey? And lucky due to my blog, I can relive it, feeling by feeling, word by word.

The year has brought me many incredible highs - an Australia Day medal, a finalist place in a national blog competition, speaking at AusBlogCon, a feature in a national glossy magazine and also a UK magazine, an interview on Triple J's Hack, being named Woman of the Week on The Hoopla, interviews with musicans Steve Poltz and Tania Doko, and seeing some incredible concerts including meeting my idol Darren Hayes and scoring a heap of official merchandise at Kings of Leon. I also made some wonderful new friends and enjoying spending time with loved ones. This was my favourite (and one of the most difficult) blog posts I've written in 2011: Untouched. And I launched carlyfindlay.com! I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have worked my way into the part of the media industry that I really enjoy and respect.

I don't want to reflect too much on the year that has been, because it has been a difficult one. I've had extremely sore skin, have cut my thumb terribly and burnt my hand, and had a broken heart. I have discovered the emotional pain far far outweighs physical pain. I had an ~~awful~~ interesting time doing online dating.The four hour drives to and from Albury over the Christmas break gave me quite a bit of thinking time - to the point where as soon as Adele's Someone Like You came on the radio 20 km up the Hume, I burst into tears. That pretty much sums up the second part of my 2011. I learned a lot about unconditional and unrequited love, dependence and desperation, the impacts of being a fan, grief and happiness this year.

And I know that 2011 has been a tough one for so many close to me. The future can only get better.

So here's to looking forward. To a fantastic 2012 where I will finish my thesis about blogging and chronic illness, plan my trip to America, stay as well as I can, and continue to reach for the stars in my writing and speaking career.

Happy New Year everyone! May your celebrations be fun and safe, and 2012 bring you happiness, your dreams and memories to cherish.

Eye update

2011-12-28T08:52:00.001+11:00

I haven't written anything all holiday, except Christmas texts. I'm typing this on my phone in the car on the stretch of road between my parents' house and Albury. We are seeing a movie today and celebrating my Mum's birthday. Last week I went to get my eyes seen to at the hospital. The first time was via emergency where they prescribed me some gel cream and drops. I've been tailoring them to my needs and my eyes have improved tenfold.The second visit was to the opthamologist. It was a very reassuring visit. He said my eyes have not deteriorated since I last saw him two years ago. I have 20/20 vision. There are no more grazes on the cornea. My eyes will be drier in the summer. I just have to keep lubricating my eyes and wear sunglasses. So very relieved. And I thank everyone who had left messages here and Facebook and Twitter hoping my eyes are ok. Much appreciated.

An atheist Christmas

2011-12-22T07:48:00.001+11:00

(source)

I am an atheist. Yesterday as I sang Christmas carolsfor the staff at work I thought this: singing Christmas carols is themost religious part of my Christmas, possibly my life.

As I sang them, happy to be bringingjoy to people, uplifted by the act of singing, I thought about how Idon't believe in these lyrics - in heaven, the virgin Mary and thebirth of Jesus Christ. I guess it is sort of like me singing along toa band that I don't believe in. Bruno Mars perhaps. Even though Ilove choir and carol time - it makes people so happy - I feelhypocritical.

I wondered why I celebrated Christmaswhen I am an atheist. And I realised I'm not alone. So many people Iknow don't have any religious attachment yet still celebrateChristmas.

My parents are't particularly religious- Mum went to church regularly before coming to Australia and Dadsang in a church choir. I was never baptised. When I was a child myparents encouraged me to attend Sunday school and learn aboutChristianity. I went to Sunday school and youth group - but I thinkthis was more of an act to ensure I was included in the small mindedsmall town I grew up in, and to help me meet friends. I attendedSunday school regularly until about 12 years old and even did areading at church at Christmas time.

However it had the opposite effect andI felt excluded by the church and other religious people in the town.As I learnt about religion, the act of sin and the way Jesus helpedthe less fortunate, I openly questioned my own misfortune - myichthyosis. I asked the Sunday school group about the theologicalreasons of why I may have been born this way.

There were a number of suggestionsthrown at me, enough to make my parents remove me from Sunday school,marking the beginning of me feeling uncomfortable about going tochurch and having religion pushed at me (I regularly have faithhealers take pity on me and offer to heal me by giving me a pamphletor asking me to put my head on their shoulder). Some of thesuggestions made by Sunday school about why I was born withichthyosis were: I was not baptised, my parents are black and whiteand that's a sin and my parents drink alcohol. I was also told thatif I lived in biblical times, I'd have been considered a leper.

Right. I knew something was amiss at ayoung age. I knew this condition is genetic and nothing could havebeen done to prevent it before birth. And I knew it was wrong forthem to impose their misinformed beliefs on me. And so my parentspulled me out of Sunday school and youth group. It bordered onbrainwashing.

And from then I've had a problem withgoing to church. I have only been for weddings and funerals. When Igo I never say prayers or close my eyes. I don't sing hymns. I alwaysleave questioning whether religion should rise above being a goodperson. And my questions aren't only regarding Christianity - they'reapplicable to many religions. Why are so many wars caused byreligion? Why does it deny people of 'opposing' religions the rightto fall in love? Why is it wrong to be gay in many religions? Why isreligion (or the leaders and believers) sometimes so judgmental,particularly to those who rely on faith the most? If Jesus was soopen minded and accepting, why are his worshipers so closed minded?

So while singing about the Royal Childbeing born in a stable, providing hope to mankind, I wondered thereasons for me to celebrate Christmas given I don't believe inreligion. And why do so many other atheists do the same?

For me, it comes down to this. I enjoythe time with family and friends. I love buying presents and writingmeaningful messages of appreciation for those I love. I love the foodand festivity. It's about appreciation and gratitude. It is abouthelping those in need. It is about taking time on one day of the yearto celebrate and reflect, and have a good time.

It is about joy and magic and Love Actually. It's a roast on the barbie and a pretty dress. It's about laughter and wine and afternoon naps. It's about children believing in Santa Claus and being excited about his visit. It's about love. And joy. And singing Christmas carols gives me joy, and so despite not believing in Christianity, I will continue to sing. Christmas is what you make it.

I love Christmas. And I wish you ahappy and safe one, however you celebrate.

Do you celebrate Christmas in the traditional way, or do you make it your own? Has the reason for celebratingChristmas changed for you?

The great blogging divide part 2: influence

2011-12-20T19:00:00.002+11:00

I've seen a lot of hatred on the internet in the past day. A lot. Racism. Personal attacks. Cowardice. Death wishes. Nasty stuff.

It has stemmed from something I am very disappointed in. I don't agree with a decision, and I don't agree with the vitriol that has come from it. From both sides.

Us bloggers have a power. Power to change the world, power to help people, power to make the world a better place. It is sad to see this power misused, and sad to see people thrive on the hatred. Above all, it's sad that people hide behind the screen. Would you really say those things face to face, in person? Would you?

For me blogging is not about generating hits. (Though I was very excited when someone from MGM studios Googled me overnight). It's about powerful writing.And making a positive difference.

I've thought about what being influential means. Being influential doesn't necessary mean good. It may mean popular. But those who influence me are good. Great even. Not necessarily popular or well known. And the bloggers who have influenced me have changed my life. They're real, they're true to themselves and they are good.

Being influential is about having an opinion, and sharing it. Venting, getting angry even. Being silly at times. Having a laugh at your own expense. But never hurting someone else.

Being influential is about having your friend's back to protect them. But also knowing when to play nice.

Being influential is about having a go, despite your fears. And when you help someone else to have a go, you've really done something.

It's not about followers or ratings or beauty or hits. It's about changing the way someone thinks about something, or encouraging them to make a difference. Being influential is not a popularity contest.

It's a privilege to be influential. People look up to you. You have reach. Be influential for good not evil.

Part one of The great blogging divide is here.

Ichthyosis and the eyes.

2011-12-18T19:53:00.000+11:00

I've realised I haven't written much about the medical aspects of ichthyosis as much as the social impacts. Of course, I've written about the pain and being in hospital, but it's never very technical. Maybe because it's quite difficult to explain what pain feels like, or that there are some aspects of conditions that are best left unsaid because honestly, they are a bit gross and make me happy to live alone.

But tonight I find myself writing about the medical stuff. One of the medical impacts of ichthyosis I'm suffering from at the moment is very sore eyes. See, ichthyosis affects the eyes too. I'm not quite sure of the technical wording, but in basic terms, people with ichthyosis may find their eyes not closing fully, and excessive dryness of the eyes. It's got to do with the lower lids - the medical term for this is ectropian - it means the lower eyelids sag and turn out, reducing the lubrication in the eyes. And so the eyes get dry, and gritty, and this may result in damage to the cornea. Reconstruction of the lower lids can be done via an operation.

In the two years that I've had this blog I've not really mentioned my eyes because they've been doing ok. I used to see the opthamologists regularly, but they were doing so well I no longer needed to see them unless an appointment was especially made. But since I've been on TV, I've noticed that I do blink a lot - unintentionally - and i guess this is to lubricate them. My eyes also run and I am constantly dabbing at them to remove excess tears and stringy bits.

When I was about 20, I was driving to work on a cloudy day. I had to pull over to the side of the road because my eyes were heavy and it felt like I had shampoo in them. The glare was too harsh for my eyes and I could barely keep them open. I remember working in the department store and just wanting to close my eyes. The next day Mum took me to the eye specialist and they told me that it is common for ichthyosis patients to experience problems with their eyes. They said my eyes were in good condition because I constantly moisturise my face with Vaseline and so the area around my eyes get moisturised too. And the opthamologists in Melbourne have said the same thing. I have a friend with ichthyosis who is now legally blind because of his ectropian eyelids.

I remember needing to go to the eye and ear hospital on the day Heath Ledger died, and I sat in the waiting room for hours waiting to see a specialist who gave me some drops. Since then, my eyes have been ok.

Until the past month or so when I've felt them deteriorate. My vision is fine. I can read from a distance, though I am not great with reading colour on colour - I think this is the combination of tears and Vaseline. But I now find the skin around my eyes is getting dryer, I'm getting more yellow build up inside them, and the sun really affects them, particularly when driving in the morning. You know when you go out on a sunny day and sneeze because the sun is bright, and when shampoo gets in your eyes. Well mine have felt like that. I guess I've not noticed much because I catch public transport to and from work. So on the days when I've driven to the post office before work, or going somewhere on the weekend, particularly straight after a shower, I've struggled to keep my eyes open. It is quite scary really. Yesterday morning I did not have sunglasses on me while out shopping, so I bought a pair and some eyedrops, which improved my eyes greatly.

I'm not sure of the steps from here. They're not deteriorating enough to affect my vision, or for me to lose my independence yet. But I will be very vigilant in wearing sunglasses everywhere, not just when driving.

With this Christmas period approaching, I don't think the opthamology clinic will be open, but I think it's crucial for me to see a specialist this week. Perhaps another trip to the eye and ear hospital. Keep your fingers (and eyes) crossed for me.

I know mostly what to expect with the pain of ichthyosis. I can manage the day to day stuff. But it is the unknown that scares me a little. Especially not knowing how bad my eyes will get.

I lost my Christmas spirit at the megamall. I found it again at Gingerbread Village.

2011-12-14T16:05:00.001+11:00

(source)

Christmas shopping. I should be good at it. I am good at it. I love shopping. I would say it's a hobby up there with blogging, eating and going to see bands. I am usually so organised that by now I have smugly bought and wrapped all of the presents and they are sent to Santa* But this year, a week and a bit before Christmas, I still have a few more presents to buy and I am actually dreading venturing out for more shopping. And I really shouldn't begrudge Christmas. I can't wait to finish work on 22 December, go to my parents' place, relax, cook good food and enjoy being with the people I love at Christmas time. Isn't that what Christmas is meant to be about - love?

*When I was a kid, my parents would buy things from the Doubleday Bookclub and "send them to Santa" via the high cupboard in my bedroom. The high cupboard was a passage to the North Pole. On reflection, I learnt about this sort of thing in my International Business subject in third year uni - the subject where I never attended any classes because quite frankly it bored me yet I still aced it - one of my proudest moments. I digress. This sending to Santa caper is definitely some sort of economic theory: a product is made/grown in Australia - the All Right Vegemite book for example. It is them exported overseas and altered - once it arrives at the North Pole, Santa's elves wrap the All Right Vegemite book, and writes a tag in wobbly cursive. The product is then imported back into Australia - the All Right Vegemite book arrives back in Australia via sleigh - or by ute as per my header picture, Rudolph leads the way, Santa squeezes himself down the Coonara heater's chimney, and places it under the tree, drinking a can of VB on the way out. There you have it, an economic theory applied to Santa.Who said I didn't pay any attention in class?

I digress. This year, I lost my Christmas spirit at the megamall. I went to buy the bulk of the presents at my local shopping centre last Saturday. Exhausting. Parents trying to control their children, threatening them with Santa to encourage good behaviour. Really poor customer service - and they wonder why we do our shopping online now.

And there is too much choice.I think that is my problem. Too much choice. The stores yell at customers to buy things. Encourage greed - General Pants has a sign that reads "Good things come to those who want".

This makes me feel sick. Apart from the clever and eerily sung Bonds ad, I'm hating the commercialism of it all. Christmas feels like a competition of who can buy the best present, spend the most money, rack up the most frequent flyer points and give the most extravagant gift. I just want to get everyone meaningful and affordable presents - and hope the recipients love what I've chosen. And ensure I have money left over to pay for my rent.

And also, there are not not enough book stores. Who thought the store that sells the most books would be fashion chain Portmans? I've been getting my books from the social club book shelf at work. Or Portmans and Sportsgirl. I know.

I asked my Mum what I should buy Dad for Christmas. She said she didn't know. "But you live with him" I said. Gosh. I asked Dad what he wants for Christmas. "Nothing" he said. And so for the man who wants nothing, I shall donate to a cause.

And that is where I found my Christmas spirit. Causes and helping others. I went to my local shopping strip after the megamall. Found some beautiful gifts that through purchasing, support local businesses - and come with good service! I bought some cute toys to put in the charity box a work. I've given to the Salvation Army Band on the street. And yesterday I found this - Gingerbread Village by Epicure at Melbourne City Gallery. It is an amazing work of pastry art that is making a difference to the community.

I took some photos on my iPhone but I really encourage you to visit it for yourself if you're in Melbourne. There is so much detail - it is so beautiful. Gingerbread Village took chefs over two months to create. I love the Melbourne landmarks, and the cheese shop.

You can see how it was made here.

When you visit Gingerbread Village you can make a donation to the Starlight Foundation and write your name on a cardboard gingerbread man to place on a Christmas tree. So beautiful. And a great cause.

Have you lost your Christmas spirit this year? Has all the fun been taken out of Christmas because of commercialism?

The great blogging divide. The in-crowd and the rest of us.

2011-12-11T19:59:00.001+11:00

So the types of posts like the one I am about to write sometimes make me disengaged. I often wonder whether the blogger is resentful or just having a bad day. I think it's all a bit high school. But then I felt the need to write one. Because I think the blogging community that I love is changing. It's going to be hard to write this - I always want to be nice, and please people. I never quite know the damage this sort of opinion will do to me. But here goes.

(source)

Blogging is changing. It no longer feels secure and supportive. Fortunately for me, the negative comments I receive are quite low, and the friends I have made through blogging are amazing. I also know I am not going to please everyone. And that my blogging style has changed a bit. Lucky I still love blogging. But recently, I have seen bloggers get into arguments, slander other bloggers in blog posts, or have sneaky digs at them. I've seen bloggers being ignored on Twitter or Facebook. And I've known of bloggers be dropped from advertising companies because they didn't fit the mould. I've also seen bloggers stop their blog altogether, because they didn't find blogging fun.

Blogging is getting more and more exclusive. Who you know. What events you're invited to. The reach your blog has determines its worth. Blogging used to bring people together. Not I think it can drive people apart. And then when bloggers vent, they are torn down.

Perhaps it is the PR and advertisers that create the exclusiveness. As I tweeted, "When the blogging community is so open and inclusive, I think it's unfair that the PR part of it is SO exclusive. Not in the spirit." I think this is the case. Because all of the bloggers I've met have been lovely. It's the events and online communities created by the PR companies that may create the exclusive feel.

A number of bloggers and I engaged in a discussion about a recent competition to win an invitation to a Christmas party. It was an advertising opportunity disguised as an invitation. Very deceptive. And it implied there are A-list bloggers out there, and they were the ones invited to the event, the rest of us had to sell our blog space for advertising to vye for a chance to attend. Sneaky indeed. And it doesn't seem fair that, when we are all part of that particularly blogging community, there is a hierarchy.

I couldn't attend the event anyhow, as I had something on. My birthday. Cold Chisel. But these tactics made me feel like us bloggers are no longer equal. That some are celebrities and some aren't worthy. To me, we are all worthy. We all have a passion, and are mostly great people whose opinions and creativity deserve to be noticed.

There are other exclusive events - some I've been to, others I've been overlooked for. I am not resentful for not being invited. I am invited to a number of great events - for blogging and for other things - but often when they involve brands, the events are often targeted towards select audiences. Often mummy bloggers.

Don't get me wrong, I have met some great mummy bloggers. I love hanging out with them, and made some great friends. But sometimes I think the greatest emphasis is placed on mummy bloggers, because of the value of the reach, and the brands they can work with, but I think this leaves the rest of us - me genre-less - feeling a bit stranded, like we don't quite belong. And I wonder whether I should pose with a watermelon shoved up my dress just to get an invitation to an event that has apparently been advertised 'all over Twitter'.

And I've seen blogs becoming less authentic. They're no longer about the writing or original content. But about the adverts. They're becoming putty in PR hands. And the original, creative writing has now turned into the way bloggers can best spin a press release and make it their own. I recently clicked on a link via Twitter - a fellow Tweeter said 'what a great blog post' and so, valuing their opinion, I went to read the great blog post for myself. I can't even recall what the post was about now. It may have been great. Well written and thought provoking. But what caught my attention, and has stuck in my mind, was the blog was divided into three columns. One of those columns was dedicated to content. The other two were purely ads. It's a sad day when a blog has become two thirds ads. I understand bloggers need to make money. I understand blogging may be a person's only source of income. But now bloggers have the power to influence buyers, the writing sometimes takes second place.

I'm not going to deny it. I will do adverts on my blog. I may seek sponsorship for my trip to BlogHer. But I am selective about the brands I believe in, and don't want to compromise my integrity by replacing good written content with sponsored posts. I have been in talks with two brands I believe in, that are important to me, and will hopefully connect with my readers. But this blog is definitely not going to turn into an advertorial. I want to maintain quality writing and use my blog to leap into other things.

This blog, Tune into Radio Carly, is about to turn two years old. I have received some amazing opportunities through blogging. The people I've met have been the best. Conferences I've been to and spoken at have been fantastic. Some free things. Freelance writing. I even had a job interview recently, and I said at my interview that if it wasn't for this blog, I wouldn't be there. And I receive comments from strangers saying that I've helped them in some way. These are all privileges. And to have my writing read (and enjoyed) by so many is the biggest privilege of all.

I hope the blogging community continues to stay strong. We can do amazing things to raise awareness and build friendships. And there is always some great writing and opinions to be read through blogs. But as long as this exclusivity continues to drive the community apart, the in-crowd and the rest of us - it feels like blogging is no longer about writing but the notion of being a celebrity.

To end this little rant, I am not phased about *only* achieving 400 views per day. I know the value my blog has had on those with disabilities and chronic illnesses and those who have been bullied. I am damn proud of the writing opportunities I've created through this blog. And I cherish the friendships I've made through blogging. Those things are all more important to me than being in the 'in-crowd' and having my worth measured by a company.

Post script: I completely forgot to raise this in my original post. Anonymous commenters and their 'constructive comments'. I've received a few of them lately. If you feel the need to crtiticise a blog post, at least have the decency to put your name to your comment. I blog with my name, true to my values and opinion. And I've set up my comments where you can list your name too. As my friend Genevieve Maynard commented once, "As for you Anon, it is very easy to create a log in. It's too easy to hide behind a made up name, or Anon, and comment on other people's thoughts.". Comment with conviction. Just like we blog with conviction. Put your name to what you believe in.

What are your thoughts about exclusivity in the blogging community? Is this new 'exclusivity' only coming to a head in Australia, or is it world-wide?

My birthday - what a wonderful day it was!

2011-12-11T18:21:00.001+11:00

"We gonna come together, We gonna celebrate
We gonna gather round, like it’s your birthday
~ Kings of Leon, Birthday

I had such a good day on my birthday - packed so much fun stuff in. We should live more days like they're a special day :) Everything I did was something I enjoyed. A few people have been asking me what I did - so here's the story!

I had the day off work. The day before I started work very early so I completed my standard day very early too - it felt like I had 1.5 days off! I woke up early-ish on my birthday - as I still had to cram a lot in. I opened my presents while listening to my favourite - Darren Hayes' Secret Codes and Battleships. I got more beautiful presents including handmade brooches, a set of Le Creuset pots and a Mimco handbag. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

And then I put on my best new (vintage) dress and I set off to the city for macarons with Camille. She couldn't make it to my party, but after me tweeting about the delicious macarons I received from S and T, we had to celebrate with a trip to La Belle Miette in Harware Lane.

We had two macarons each, and a coffee for Cam and a really big hot chocolate for me. Cam had salted caramel and strawberry. I had rose and champagne. Wow. Delicious. Cam broke the blogging rule of eating her macaron before the photo was taken - but I can see how it happened when I tasted mine! The flavours are so divine. So rich and deep. I love macarons.

The windows were beautifully decorated with jars and boxes of green and cream macarons. So pretty.

We started off sitting inside, but then were asked to sit outside because they were filming for a tourism show on pay TV The owner was so lovely and apologetic - we received wonderful service and our details were taken down so we'd received vouchers - which means a return trip! Thanks La Belle Miette, and thanks Cam for the birthday treats and gift! I hope you've eaten your box of macarons by now.

After saying goodbye to Cam, my next stop was the city where I browsed the shops for a little while. The day was lovely - though a bit hot - and the sky was perfect. Here are the Christmas stars over the tram lines.

The shop was not so successful - once again I had money (vouchers) to spend and nothing piqued my interest. So I walked to Mamasita for a Mexican lunch. Even at 12.00 pm we had to queue.

I asked a stranger in the queue to take this picture after Sydney Shop Girl requested to see my working her gift all the way from Dubai. I'm wearing a gorgeous vintage dress I bought from my local shopping strip - perfect fit, perfect length, perfect colour and print, Diana Ferarri flats, a basic cardi, a beaded Curlypops brooch from Cam - perfect for this outfit, and carrying my new Mimco bag from Sydney Shop Girl - I LOVE IT!!! Thank you so much!!

Of course a day off work meant I could have a margarita at 12.00 pm. I don't know what else is in this other than grapefruit, lime and vanilla salt, but it tasted great!!

The lovely waiter gave me corn for a birthday present! This corn, topped with chilli and cheese - is the best corn ever. I was also chatting to a couple at the bar - we talked about how great it is that Mexican food is taking off in Melbourne, and how we'd like to eat it every day!

My mains were soft tacos - one filled with prawns and the other was fish. I loved the fish - it was smoky and firm. The prawn one was good too, though I'd had it before with Heidi a few weeks ago.

Finally I had a popcorn ice-cream to take away - perfect for a warm day.

Next up was a movie - New Years Eve. Despite seeing a half-star review, I found it mindlessly satisfying. I found it pleasant - not funny or thought provoking, just an easy watch.

I went home, and took a nap, and then headed back to the city for dinner and a concert. Before dinner, I bought this dress - which I wore to work and our Christmas party the next day.

Dinner on my birthday was Vietnamese with Steph. We had rice paper rolls. I tried to be a grown up and not call them penis rolls. But I couldn't resist.

We also had pho, which I failed to photograph, but here are the garnishes.

My Coke was a 'mate' one - perfect for Steph and I. Mates.

After dinner we walked to Fed Square where I met Louis. I took a photo of this toy solider at the Town Hall. Christmas in the city is so fun.

Louis and I saw Cold Chisel in concert. It was so good. They played all the hits - I loved being able to let my inner bogan loose and sing along to Cheap Wine, Khe Sanh and Flame Trees.

The concert was like a history lesson. So many songs are about life post Vietnam war, and the working class culture in Australia in the 1970s and 80s.I really enjoyed seeing the projections of images from years gone by - the drinking, the old cars, topless women and the way Cold Chisel used to be.

Khe Sanh - the perennial karaoke song - had the lyrics on screen so we could all sing along.

The Chisel concert was a fantastic way to celebrate - so glad it coincided with my birthday!

So many friends wished me the best for my birthday. I received beautiful messages. One of my music idols Bob Evans tweeted me!

It was a beautiful day and I literally I celebrated it until the last minute of the day. I arrived home at midnight! The next day - up early, my lovely manager treated me to a cake for our breakfast meeting.

Thank you to everyone who made my birthday so special. I love all my gifts, the ways I celebrated, and spending time with you all. I am truly the luckiest girl in the world.

30. So grown up.

2011-12-08T07:00:00.000+11:00

I was going to write something profound here. After all, it's the first day of being a grown up. Today's a milestone. A day of new beginnings. Heightened expectations. And all I got is this. My favourite picture of a cupcake.

I also have this. A line I heard yesterday. "Never wake up feeling defeated". So very true. I love this outlook. Get up each day, excited at the possibilities, smiling because you're alive. And enjoy what you have!

I'm 30 today and I am excited at what the day and next decade has to offer. Today features lots of friends, macarons, a movie, Mexican food, a nap, pho and Cold Chisel in concert. This next decade features so many wonderful opportunities - I just know it.

I thought turning 30 would mean I'd feel grown up. Nothing has changed. I still wake up looking like Freddy Kruger. I am still really untidy. Just like yesterday.

When I was little I imagined it was really old. I imagined I'd be as grown up as my teachers (who were maybe only mid twenties then anyway). I thought I may carry a briefcase, wear high heels every day and have my own office. I imagined that I'd own my own house. Drive a convertible car (but I hate the wind on my face, do the roof would always be up!). Maybe I'd be married with children. My biggest dream was to have long hair. I told my doctors, they wrote it in my hospital file and reminded me when I was in my early twenties. I have none of that. But I do have a great life! And I am glad for it. Stuff the expectations of your youth, from other people. Live life and enjoy it!

I forgot. This is me air drumming to Kings of Leon DVD with Kings of Leon drumsticks. So grown up.

Have a happy day everyone. If it's your birthday too, I hope this day is very special for you.

You live, you learn.

2011-12-07T07:00:00.000+11:00

Walking back to the city with a friend after a rock concert, I saw him. Bumped into him in a dispersed but still strong crowd. What are the chances? It was our first meeting in four years. I wondered if he felt as awkward as I did. It felt strange to see the man I used to love after so long.

The last time I saw him was not a nice time. I left feeling very unwanted. The time before that was when we kissed.

We've talked a lot more in recent months. But I don't think of him so much nowadays. And I still doubt. I didn't notice the thoughts and feelings evaporate. They just went. They went without warning, probably the best way - no time for me to resist and hold on to pieces of nothing. The feelings that have passed certainly give me hope for my current situation.

We have had safety in distance for years now.That seems a common theme for me. And unrequited love despite something between us. Something. A spark. Not enough to start a fire. But I could easily be drawn in again. Easily. There's a danger in distance too.

That night, when my ears were buzzing from the noise of the concert, body pounding from the rush of the music, my heart jumped when I saw him. He looked good. As good as I remember him.

We made small talk. The band was great. He was drinking. I'm the local, so where is the nearest pub? Was there really just water in my cup?

And then my heart sank. I wondered if he sensed it. He disappointed me. Again. With no apology. No consequence. Again. Should I have expected anything different?

I realised things haven't changed, except in my life. This time, while I was still hurt and angry, it was not the same hurt and anger I felt when I loved him those 3-4-5 years ago. And that gives me hope.
-
I still think of him. The recent him. The one I still love. I haven't heard from him recently. Not that I hear from him really, except a few 'likes' and that one confronting text message merely asking how I am, but his online presence has gone for for a while.

Maybe he's so happy he's not there - he no longer needs to be. Maybe he's so unhappy he's not here. I worry. I want to ask him 'are you ok?'.

I could call, text or email. But I don't. I don't ask. It is the most self control I've shown regarding him, ever.

If I do ask him I fear I'll care too much again. I'll care about a response, I'll care about not receiving a response.That responsibility feels too much of a burden for me to repeat.The heart breaks more than once. I've had enough breaks for now. My recent breaks are healing slowly but surely.
-
It's the last day of my twenties today. The last day of the decade where I learnt so much. Things are easier to deal with when you've learnt from the past. Maybe this is what growing up feels like.

"I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone."
~ You Learn, Alanis Morissette

Noteworthy

2011-12-06T07:00:00.000+11:00

There are a few things I want to share with you this week. Maybe I'll start doing a regular 'noteworthy' post of the things that have made me smile. Blogging is all about sharing, right? What do you think?

Ivy's wish

First and foremost is a blog entry by Tiffany Treganza at Three Ring Circus that is possibly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Her little girl Ivy has a rare and severe chronic illness that affects her immune system. Ivy was recently granted her wish from Starlight to dance on stage with the Australian Ballet at the Opera House. In her blog entry, Tiff writes about the joy brought to Ivy and the rest of her family.

Ivy's smile is so cute, and seeing her dance and in awe is heart melting. I have read the entry three times now, and cried just as much each time. Amazing. Please, please read this post and be reminded at the joy in the world.

Please also consider donating to Starlight, to grant other sick children their wishes. I donate and am so glad to see my money bringing smiles to those who need them.

Tiff has given me permission to share some of the gorgeous pictures with you on my blog.

Ivy and her twin brother Noah.

Ivy received some signed ballet shoes.

She danced on stage.

And more dancing and spinning. Just gorgeous.

(Almost) 30. The party. Some thoughts. Much ♥

2011-12-04T15:39:00.001+11:00

I am clinging onto the last days of my twenties. On Thursday I won't be a '20something just telling it how it is'. I'll be older. More responsible. Wiser. 30. Still telling it how it is, probably.

Last night I had my 30th birthday party at a fantastic restaurant called Queen Street Rescue. Today, in a sign of getting older, my almost 30 year old body feels weary and I have a headache from too many Moscatos and lemon-vanilla-vodka cocktails. Though my weariness could also be from the shop-til-I-dropped day yesterday. Or from seeing the Foo Fighters on Friday night and not getting home until 1 am. Or dinner out with Stella Young the night before that. Or the channel 31 Christmas party on Wednesday night. Too much action to be had this week. It is indeed the Festival of Carly.

The party was fantastic. It was very me - an elegant dinner and drinks with my parents and good friends. I received some beautiful presents including funds for my New York trip, travel books, a vintage bag, jewellery, a gourmet food hamper, jewellery and gift vouchers (and more!). I got a stunning box of macarons from La Belle Miette...

And a mix tape from an old friend who was one of the first to introduce me to music - I laughed so hard at the cover - Savage Sons!!!

My gifts were gorgeous and I cannot thank my parents and friends enough for them. They are very generous. (There's a few gifts on my kitchen table from friends who couldn't make it - the three year old in me is saving these until my actual birthday.) And the messages that were written in my cards are so kind and heartfelt.

But above the gifts was how loved my parents and friends made me feel. Just by being present at my party. People traveled from far away to celebrate with me. A friend from uni - I carried his beer up the hill at O-Week, and he can't believe how extroverted and drinky and sweary I am since the uni days! A friend from school who I am so glad I recently reconnected with - my new shopping partner. A friend I worked with at the department store. Blogger friends Cheryl (a slave to the party hat) and Heidi. The girls I met at high tea. My babysitter and her (hot new) husband. The friends who I'd come down to stay with in Melbourne - when they were 30 and I was 17 - and they'd take me shopping and to bands (they made me the mixtape!). Friends from No Limits. Friends I work with. And my wonderful, kind, patient, generous (and sometimes strict) parents - the best parents anyone could wish for.

My Dad wrote some powerful words in the card. They made me cry.

Dear Carly. You've made it - 30 at last. How can we ever forget the day when we returned from the Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne without you. We didn't think you would make it, and neither did they. Thank God for the doctors. Love you heaps - Dad.

Wow.

I think about how lucky I am. How sick I was. How difficult things have been sometimes. And how far I've come. I am so thankful for every day, every opportunity, the fantastic times I have had, and all the friends and family I have who have supported, encouraged and believed in me. So much love. Thank you everyone for making me feel very special, and celebrating with me. I love you all.

My fabulous friend and social media manager extraordinaire Jess and her husband.

Cheryl - slave to the party hat

Heidi and I

Ben (uni friend) and I - I'm so very quiet and reserved.

The boys from No Limits.

Heidi and Ben

Steph - looking beautiful

Probably not my best face. But no wrinkles!

Upside down, upside down. Hurry upppppp.

Some serious No Limits reporter faces.

Country girls.

Simona and I

Jack Jones and Band watching 101

2011-12-01T07:30:00.000+11:00

On Friday night I made the trip to my hometown of Albury to see my childhood rockstar hero play. Jack Jones from Southern Sons. I became a fan of him when I was about nine. I'd seen him play in She Said Yes with Tania Doko and Karl Lewis supporting Darren Hayes in 2007. I'd never seen him live playing Southern Sons songs, but had dreamed about the day for 20 years. Jack Jones is now known by his real name Irwin Thomas.

He had two support acts - acoustic Robert Sedky and Neon City, a local Albury based band. Liam Dalby fronts Neon City, and knows my Mum through her work. I sat down to talk to him for a while and he is one of the loveliest people, so appreciative of music, and so humbled to play with Jack Jones. Neon City play original pop-rock songs - great lyrics with an energetic sound. They received a lot of local support with friends coming out to see them play.

Jack Jones played several classic Southern Sons hits - all beautiful acoustic versions - Always and Ever, You Were There, Hold Me in Your Arms and Heart in Danger. He also played the Beatles' Blackbird and the Bee Jees' I Started a Joke. His vocals are still very John Farnham-esque, but he has such a broad range - tender and roaring. And he is such a fine skilled guitarist. It was a short setlist - I definitely wanted more, especially Southern Sons songs.

Before the show he said hi - my Mum showed him my Southern Sons tshirt that was once down to my ankles, now down to my knees. Remember I showed you all a picture of me wearing the Southern Sons tee last year.

And I assured him his autograph is still on the back of my toilet door with Savage Garden and Silverchair. He said he'd chat to me after the show. And he kept his promise, posing for several photos, and putting my card in his wallet - I took a photo to prove it!

Kiss was playing by the DJ, and I said 'let's stick out our tongues' and so we did!!

Seeing him live was a bit of a dream come true - I am glad I could see him in such a small setting and meet him too.

One of the things that really annoyed me about the night was the disruptive and unappreciative audience (or lack of). Maybe it's a country thing - not many bands go to Albury so audiences don't know how to behave? And my observations of this poor audience directed me to draw up this guide. Band watching 101.

If you're there to see the band, show some respect and appreciation. If you're not there to see the band, do the same.

Don't block the view of the audience by walking between them and the band and holding your hands up for a 'look at me' moment, or by your bad dancing or god forbid, dirty dancing with strangers (I saw you kiss that other drunk girl before). If you must dance, dance to the side of or behind the audience.

Don't talk with your friends. The band playing means you raise your voice, and I don't want to hear about your boring day when I am watching a singer I've waited 20 years for. This is not your living room.

Don't request to sing or dance with the singer on stage. You have probably not sold as many albums as the singer, and I am sure if you can sing or dance well, I would have had the chance to see you on one of those talent shows that compromises peoples' integrity. This isn't the time to be known as the random drunk woman who attempted to do a duet with a big time rock star. And when that big time rock star refuses your company on stage, don't get pouty or get shouty.

Don't get more excited at hearing Jesse's Girl/Moves Like Jagger spun by the DJ than the band who is actually in the room, playing real live music. This isn't your second cousin's wedding.

Don't tell the singer he's boring the shit out of you. Really. Don't. If you don't want to be there, leave. Don't spoil it for the singer and the audience. Show some respect.

That really happened, and so did the other things I listed. Irwin Thomas handled the rude woman really well, suggesting she might want to get a vibrator - the final song was OhMiBod I'm in love with you - one he made for a vibrator.

What are your Band watching 101 rules?

Woman of the Week on The Hoopla

2011-11-28T19:20:00.001+11:00

I am Woman of the Week on Wendy Harmer's website The Hoopla!! It coincides with International Day of People with Disability.

It is a great honour to be up there with Tracey Spicer, Gorgi Coghlan and Rebecca Gilling. So awesome! I am very proud of this one :)

Thanks for having me Wendy and Team Hoopla!

You can read my whole interview here.

International Day of People with Disability - blog carnival

2011-11-21T21:10:00.000+11:00

International Day of People with Disability is on 3 December. I am participating in the Pin Post and Pose initiative. I hope you can get involved. (See below for further details.)

International Day of People with Disability (IDPwD) is a United Nations sanctioned day that aims to promote an understanding of people with disability and encourage support for their dignity, rights and well-being. The day also seeks to increase awareness of the benefits of the integration of people with disability in every aspect of political, social, economic and cultural life.

IDPwD brings together individuals, businesses, community organisations, and governments from every corner of the world to celebrate and acknowledge the contributions, skills and achievements of people with disability.

In 1992, at the conclusion of the United Nations Decade of Disabled Persons (1983-1992), the General Assembly proclaimed 3 December as the International Day of Disabled Persons. (From the IDPwD website)

The ribbon I am wearing signals my support for International Day of People with Disability.

While we have come a long way in the developed world with disability policy and support, so much more can be done. Increases to funding, improvements to accessibility and changing of attitudes are continuously needed.

I have not identified with having a disability (or chronic illness as I view it) until recent times. The social and medical challenges I've faced with ichthyosis are the same sorts of barriers as my friends with much different disabilities face. I guess my ichthyosis has always been a part of my routine, but I didn't define it until recently. I realised that it can be a barrier to some aspects of life, and also a competitive advantage. Without it, I may not be able to do all the exciting things I've been doing - writing, TV presenting, getting noticed at concerts...
And I'm so glad to be involved in the disability community. I've made some great friends.

For me, International Day of People with Disability is not so much about making people with disabilities aware of the day, but educating and including the people without disabilities.

For three years, I've been coordinating International Day of People with Disability events at work. I have given several speeches, and invited members of the disability community (young people from the ChIPS program) to speak about their experiences. This event is the one I love to run the most. I love giving our guest speakers the chance to tell their stories - for too often, people with disabilities don't get the chance to be heard. And I also love the way the audience - my colleagues, most of which don't have a disability - engage with our guest speakers. The talk in the office after the event is about how the guest speakers inspired them - changed their perceptions and taught them about different ways of living and positive outlooks, despite their challenges.

And I think this is one of the most important issues around disability - challenging the way people without a disability think about disability.

Aside from holding an event at work, I'll be celebrating International Day of People with Disability by attending an official State Government event in the day and at night, celebrating my 30th birthday with family and friends. The doctors didn't think I would survive much past birth, and look where I am now. That's a pretty cool way to spend International Day of People with Disability!

If you want to get involved in a small blog carnival I'm running, write a blog post about what International Day of People with Disability means for you, and post your link below.

Facebook event here.

Pin, Pose, Post & Ribbons

You can also take part in a community effort to show support for this years IDPwD.

As part of celebrations for 2011 a colourful ribbon pack has been developed by Nican in partnership with the Australian Government. We hope this ribbon will develop as a recognised way for people across the country to signal their support for the day.

People across Australia can signal their support for International Day of People with Disability by wearing a ribbon in the lead-up to 3 December or on the Day.

You can also take part in a community awareness effort in the lead up to IDPwD called Pin, Pose, Post for IDPwD. This will involve a range of Australians, including Disability Community Leaders and prominent people from all walks of life, donning a ribbon in advance of the Day, capturing an image and providing a single sentence beginning with “I support IDPwD because”. This might indicate why you support IDPwD and its message of breaking down the barriers as well as supporting access and inclusion.

If you choose this option, your Pin, Pose, Post for IDPwD will be shared on a Gallery of Supporters via the IDPwD website and Social Media to represent a wave of enthusiasm leading up to the Day across Australia.

To take part please email idpwd@nican.com.au

Kings of Leon Melbourne concert review

2011-11-21T07:30:00.000+11:00

Kings of Leon
Rod Laver Arena, Melbourne
13 November 2011

The Kings of Leon Come Around Sundown tour has been a long time coming - with a postponement due to drummer Nathan Followill's broken arm and the band's future in doubt due to tensions within mid year. But the band came around (at sundown, on a balmy Melbourne night) and didn't disappoint - providing a range of their old and newest catalogue of songs.

As Caleb Followill wore the cross around his neck - homage to his religious roots, his fans looked to him as their deity. Girls screaming and shouting 'I love you' and guys rocking out, bromance style. It's what we've been waiting for. The Followill Boys - Caleb, Jared, Nathan and Mathew.

There'd been reports from concerts on this tour that the Kings had turned mediocre in their maturity, playing more stadium rock than the sweaty indie style of their youth. The crowd at Rod Laver didn't seem to think so - getting hot and sweaty to the fast songs, and swaying their arms to the anthems. I think there was something for every fan, no matter when they first became a fan of Kings of Leon. Caleb's trademark mumbly, gravelly voice still reigned.

The show opened with Radioactive - energetic and powerful, though I'd love to have seen it with the beautiful gospel backing vocals like on the album version. Band, take note for next tour. Other stand outs were Taperjean Girl, fuzzy vocaled My Party - the girls on their boyfriends' shoulders behind me were going wild, Fans (my favourite), Crawl, the singalong On Call, Knocked Up and Black Thumbnail.

In terms of a performance, Kings of Leon is more musical than showy. Sure, there was the obligatory light show and stage projections (and the concert even ended with some pyrotechnics - which set off my asthma!), but the band aren't known for moving far from their positions on stage or talking to the audience. They simply play to us, with a few bits of 'chat' thrown out between songs. But they enjoy it, it seems, feeding off our energy and giving off lots of smiles. As Caleb said, 'the more you give us, the more we'll give to you'.

This was the first concert I've ever been more excited about what was happening off stage than on, due to the crew taking a shine to me and showering me with gifts, and so I didn't observe every moment had by the band. But I did see Nathan's excellent coordination of providing backing vocals while drumming and blowing bubbles. And Mathew's guitar fellatio during Closer was broadcast on the big screens - his lipwork on the guitar indicated he may be ...er... good at the real thing.

Dave, head of Kings of Leon security left me a message on my previous blog entry about this concert:

"Hi Carly ,my name is Dave and im the Head of security for KOL ,thank you for you lovely comments and e-mail . The band love their fans and especially those who come and rock there socks off ,they feed off that energy and you gave them plenty ,all done with a fabulous smile .Keep it up lady youre awesome "

I think, from the band's performance and the great treatment I received from their crew, I came out of the concert feeling like a bigger fan of Kings of Leon. I feel incredibly lucky. The concert was worth the wait.

(Sorry for the limited photos - I was actually having too good a time to stop to take many photos!)

I'm with the band blog - coming soon!

2011-11-20T12:00:00.000+11:00

"They don't even know what it is to be a fan.
Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts."
~ Almost Famous

A blog founded by super fans Bere Parra and Carly Findlay, I'm with the band shares stories from super fans loving super stars.
Simple.
Submit your stories about being a super fan to: imwiththeband101@gmail.com.
We want stories from super fans of musicians, artists, sportspeople, writers, chefs... anyone you find inspirational.

Follow us on Twitter and Facebook for updates.
Stay tuned for our blog launch.
It's all happening!

Happy, nearly.

2011-11-19T15:24:00.001+11:00

I went to speak of you, yesterday, asthough you are still part of my life. The words were on the tip of mytongue. Then I remembered, you're not a part of my life now. Notoutside of my mind, anyway. And so I remained silent. But I keptthinking about what I was about to say, and how things have changedbetween us and how there's no reason to drop you in conversation anymore. It's eleven weeks since things changed, again. And I don't evenknow what they changed from. Nor do you, it seems.

A friend asked me how I am doing now.If I still think of you every day. Yes. More than every day, Ianswered. I think of you so much. Too much. I cancount the weeks and months since. I can remember how I felt when.Even writing this brings tears. It is more about me bringing thesadness on myself now, through thoughts alone, instead of your (lack of) wordsand actions.

But things are getting easier. Greatstuff has happened lately. I realised happiness because of you is notthe only happiness I'll ever feel. I'm not as sad. I'm not asresentful. I'm still sad and hurt your happiness has come at the costof mine. But I'm glad that your life is on track, and you've foundlove and maybe even love yourself. I'm happy, nearly.

There's someone else now who loves me.They've told me this. I don't know how to feel, other than thankful and avoiding the situation. I'm not ready. Eventhough it's been so long since the first time I loved you, and alittle while since the last time. I don't think the time between hasstopped, actually. It's all just one continuum. And sometimes I can'twait for the end of the week/year/time. Because I have hope that soonI'll feel differently about you. You might become somebody I think ofand smile, or somebody I don't think of at all. Time probably heals.

-
I miss you, I love you.

We need to talk about Kevin.

2011-11-17T07:03:00.000+11:00

I saw We need to talk about Kevin atthe cinema with Bern last night - thanks to Mamamia. It's based on the book by LionelShriver, starring Tilda Swinton. Such a brilliantly shot film, suchan important story. It's a story about hatred and love and blame and warning signs andevil. And a mother's struggle to grapple with the tragedy, grief and blame herson has caused.

In the before, she lived a life withcolour. A life of could have been travels, dreams and trying. So muchtrying, and compromise, with Kevin especially. But colour.

In the after, her world was stripped ofcolour. Except the paint of blame she scrubbedoff the walls, the porch, her car, her hands. The blood red paint. Always a reminder. The biggest could have been.

The film was thought provoking andconfronting. You never know the burden someone carries.

I wondered what it'd be like to carryher burden. So damn hard. She'd be grieving for the community whilethey'd be blaming her. Every moment she'd be worrying what someonewould think of her. Carrying the burden having lost everything. Who would grieve for and with her? How could she start over?

It's an example of nature versusnurture.

Sometimes you can't shape someone, nomatter how hard you try.

Sometimes you've got to trust your gutinstinct.

Sometimes people are pure evil, bornthat way, without explanation.

Even your own flesh and blood.

And a mother's love will always beunconditional.

On being a fan

2011-11-15T07:30:00.000+11:00

"Makeme feel like I'm the one who moves you,
Theonly one you see"
~ Fans - Kings of Leon

After I wrote the review of the Sydney Darren Hayes concert,and emotionally expressed my joy in meeting him, I received a commentfrom an anonymous reader expressing concern for my emotional wellbeing. Hereis the original comment:

“Ienjoy reading your blog Carly... But this is an interesting read. Iknow you find comfort in Darren's lyrics and music however I feelthat you are in a little too deep here... I feel that you areslightly obsessive and almost 'drowning' in what he gives to you. Thefact that he is a gay man makes this 'relationship' you feel you havewith him even more uncomfortable to read at times :)”

Aftera number of people went in to bat for me (thank you everyone) theanonymous reader replied:

“I'mquite happy to read your opinions on my original post and please letme clarify that I was not alluding to the fact that Carly's love forDarren can not be reciprocated in a traditional sense. I perfectlyand honestly respect the love you have for him as a musician... I toobelieve that he is freakishly talented and I enjoy his lyrics too. Myconcern and question stems from the fact that Carly has obviously hadheartbreak, distress and upheaval relating to her personalrelationships and she is very open in discussing this. My post camefrom a place of concern for her emotional well-being. l just thinkthe level of adoration she has for Darren is somewhat concerning...Gay or not gay has nothing to do with it. I'm only posting anon as Idon't have any other sign ins.”

Ialso replied to the comments, ending with:

“Letme have this happiness without criticism or condescension. Maybe oneday you'll experience the joys of being a fan too.”

While I wasn't upset by the comments made, I was disappointed that I was criticised for taking joy in meeting my idol and expressing how much he and his music means to me, after having such a shit time recently. Last week was truly the start of me getting back on track and feeling like the old Carly again.And that feels great.

Andtoday I want to tell you about the joy I get from being a fan. OfSavage Garden and Darren Hayes more specifically. Laugh. Diagnose mewith some sort of obsession. But also take the time to realise howthe music moves me. It really does. And music and fanship moves otherpeople too. I've got some friends' comments about being a fan too.Here goes.

Ican recall the very moment I became a fan of Savage Garden. It wasAugust 1996 and I was watching Rage. I saw Darren Hayes on the backof a truck on a Brisbane highway – reddish long hair, sounding a bitlike Roxette. Daniel Jones, also on the back of the truck, wasplaying a guitar. The song was catchy, they band was cute. It was the I Want You video clip. “I amgoing to be a fan of everything this band does” I told myself. InSeptember 1996 I went to Geelong on a family holiday with a friend. Iremember buying the blue I Want You CD single, the one with thegarden gnome on it, in a cardboard case that pulled out like adrawer. At the end of that year, I wished I had spent my $5 pocketmoney a few weeks before on a much coveted red version of the CDsingle, with a rare b-side. About three years later, a penpal sent mea signed red I Want You CD. Rare. And in November 1996, I rememberseeing To the Moon and Back on Hey Hey It's Saturday. The songconfirmed Savage Garden would be the band of my life. I bought thatCD single too, and every single and album after, even the rare onesfrom overseas. I think I have around 80 Savage Garden and DarrenHayes CDs. I know people who have more. When my parents' house wasunder threat by bushfires, Mum asked me if there was anything I'dlike saved. “My tower of Savage Garden CDs”, I told her.

SinceI became a fan of Savage Garden, and continuing on with Darren Hayes,I've amassed a lot of stuff. Articles, CDs. Posters. Setlists.Merchandise. And memories. Memories are the most precious. I canrecall all the concerts I've been to – even what I wore to theSavage Garden one in 1997. And I remember the moments that I've metDarren (I haven't met Daniel).

Peoplelaugh at me, and are also critical. Even I take the piss out of thisparticular love of mine sometimes. But I am a proud, dedicated andcommitted fan. Why am I a fan? And why Savage Garden and DarrenHayes?

When I was younger, I think it was an obsession. I couldn'tstop thinking about how hot Darren was. I'd be inspired by hislyrics. My friends and I would analyse his interviews so much, anddream of what it'd be like to marry him. He had not yet come out. 15years after I became a fan, my fanship is more realistic and mature.I don't want to marry him. I still think he's incredibly attractive.But my love goes deeper than the superficial. The music gives meincredible joy. It takes me back to a place when my life was simpler– before adulthood, but also provides hope for each day too. It'sDarren's lyrics, perspective and experiences that I can relate to,and as he's grown. I've grown too. As I've matured, I've taken somesolace (and sadness) knowing that some of the very things I'veexperienced (isolation, bullying, difference) are some of the thingsDarren's experienced too.

(If you look closely you can see me in the background. Darren took my camera and took this photo himself!)

Ithink Savage Garden and Darren Hayes helped to shape my identity. Themusic gave me something to believe in. It was there through myheadphones when I've had needles, and posters on my wall when I'vebeen sick in bed. I made many friends because of my fanship –penpals and face to face friends. I'm still friends with many ofthese people today. And just last week, at the Darren Hayes concertin Melbourne, I befriended a girl who was also there by herself. Sheread my review and couldn't believe how much she could relate to theway I feel as a fan.

The music has also been a friend – for duringthe many times I've felt lonely or rejected or love-lost, or even sooverwhelmed with love, I can immerse myself in it and it's likereceiving a reassuring and loving hug. However, despite me and myfanship maturing, I can still be reduced to a puddle of tears (ratherthan screaming with awe) when faced with Darren Hayes in person.

Thethrill of being a fan is what brings joy too. The race to stand atthe front of the stage (and the standing that often accompanies it).The breath held as he walks out on stage. The rush through my veinsas he sings live. The special moments when he's looked at me during aconcert – and the kisses and hugs he's given me from the stage. Andthe wait outside the venue, hoping to meet him. And when the meethappens – wow. The shaking and immense happiness afterward.

Darren Hayes is a fan too. He's spoke at length about being a fan of Michael Jackson (and was very affected by his death - to the point of writing Glorious about Michael), Bono and Madonna. He has mentioned the excitement when he's met his idols, and his experience seems very similar to mine.

It'snot only Savage Garden and Darren Hayes that I am a fan of. I love somany other bands, though not to the extent of getting superknowledgable about them. Probably the closest would be Angus andJulia Stone, Bob Evans and Genevieve Maynard. Back when I was young(and possibly dumb in one case) I was a super fan of Southern Sons(it was the long haired boys that caught my eye) and then cricketerShane Warne (the dumb phase for me, pre-text messaging phase forhim). I must say, I liked the look of Warnie when he looked morenatural – bleached hair and tubby. I've actually met some wonderfulfriends through being a fan of other bands – Bob Evans inparticular (I've met some great girls out at his gigs and online),and even become an online friend of one of my favourites –Genevieve Maynard. Genevieve has commented on some of my blog entries and has told me she's a fan of me too! And this means so very much, being a fan of her!

MyDad is a huge fan too. I think I get my dedication to the cause fromhim. He loves Liverpool Football Club, and I have not known him tomiss a game. Before Albury received SBS on TV, we'd travel toMelbourne to watch big games. He'd listen in for the football scoreson his shortwave radio at 7.55 am every night. Now he uses theinternet to find the scores, and watches most games live on pay TV.It was Dad who encouraged me to go see Savage Garden live when I was15 – I thought the idea of going to a live concert in Melbourne waspretty out there, but I am so glad I did.When Savage Garden broke up,a Brisbane radio station dedicated an hour of airtime to them. Atthis time, we only had dial-up internet so streaming radio stationsonline was a very slow option. So Dad encouraged me to call theBrisbane radio station and ask to be put on hold, so I could listento the tribute. I did. Dad encouraged me to call the radio station,because that's what he'd do to hear information about Liverpool, backin his youth.

BeforeI was born, and when I was very young, Dad was out of work for sometime. He used to do a program on community radio. This radio showsaw him wrongly pronounce INXS as 'inksess'. He is not fromAustralia. Anyway, Dad was telling me about a man who also used tohave a show on the same community radio station. This man was socommitted to his passion he'd source rare music from rare recordshops in Melbourne, and play the types of music he truly loved –cutting edge punk in the early 80s. He'd do fill in shifts. He lovedhis music, and he was dedicated to the cause. I admire thatcommitment and passion. I think it can give people something to live for.

Sothat's my story. I could write forever about being a fan. As mentioned above, I've got some more stories fromfriends about their fanship.When I read Edenland's blog about meeting Bono, I cried. Not because I am a huge fan of Bono, but because I could relate to the joy, and was so happy she got to meet her idol. I love reading/hearing other fan-meets-idol moments.

This one is my favourite, from Carmen,who I met at Bob Evans last year. She's a fan of Josh Pyke, and whenI read on her Facebook that she met him, I was so excited for her, asI know what a great feeling it is to meet an idol.

“Iam a fan of Josh Pyke. Haha. I love his music more than any other andit satisfies me in some way I cannot define.

It was like it wasfamiliar to me even before I had ever heard it. A big part of it isthat it provides me with an escape from the mundane and his voice &lyrics comfort me. I know that would probably sound ridiculous to anon fan.

He has songs that suit my best and worst days. Seeing himlive is the ultimate and the times I have met him are like treasuresI carry in my heart. I know it's soppy but if I can't say it herewhere can I?

I also like the thrill of the hunt in finding himafter a show and talking to him, it is never easy. I am very shy andit takes a lot for me to approach him but I do it as the rewards aregreat.
If I didn't find him to be as warm and sweet as I havedone, he wouldn't be quite as special to me as he is.

I certainlydon't think I am lacking anything in my life. My love for Josh isjust an added extra.

Social media has had a big impact (mainlyTwitter for me) as it has provided me with direct contact with him.

Icould really relate to your latest Darren story as last time I metJosh he held out both his arms to me and pulled me in close andcuddled me. It was one of the best moments of my life. You have to bea fan to understand the thrill of that. It has nothing to do with himbeing 'known'. It is just him. Sorry if I sould completely mad, justhad to get it out!”

Dane,a guy I work with, loves musicals.

“I've hadpeople comment that I'm crazy for seeing musicals all the time. Ifsomeone finds solace, comfort or escapism in someone's art, talent orinteractions - no matter how deeply they feel it - it shouldn't bedenied”.

EllieK loves Bob Evans. Lucky Elly gets to have him sing at her house!

“Youwill not be surprised to hear that I am a BobEvans fan. I became a groupie at the ripe old age of 35! Hismusic simply makes my life better. I can't explain it and peoplethink I'm nutso but I don't care. There is just something about hismusic that satisfies my soul. I enjoy being enthusiastic andpassionate about something so joyful. And my friends get pleasure andamusement from my joy. I had an amazing response of support (bothfinancial and emotional) when I bid for Bob in the EMI auction. Andbecause of them I won! In 15 days he will be in my house...And as anadded bonus, through my fandom I have met some gorgeous fellow fanson-line including your lovely self.”

Joel,a guy I met at Steve Poltz earlier this year, and presenter on theStibbard-Me-TimbersRadio Show, said this:

"Forme, I grew up with Australian and New Zealand Rock, I really love thesongwriting of Richard Clapton and Tim Finn. To me they represent atime when I was a young tacker growing up in the late 70's into the80's so add in there Split Enz. Noel Crombie from the band alsodesigned and sewed their costumes, creativity like that I regardhighly.
I also really love the late 70's to early 80's undergroundBritish music - Simple Minds and anything experimental. Also punk butmore The Clash style than Sex Pistols.

Moving into the 90's, Itook a liking to a band from Sydney called 'The Clouds', Jodi Phillisand Patricia Young were a great songwriting combination and theyplayed my hometown of Hobart on Hobart's second warmest day recordedat 40.8 degrees in December 1994.

Also Nirvana, I loved thefact that they totally transformed the music scene in 6 months thenmoving onto 'Foo Fighters'. I probably don't say I'm a fan of anyonetoo much but Dave Grohl for me is a total legend!”

AndI think this is something that sums it all up for me. Tim, from theStibbard-Me-Timbers Radio Show said:

“David Francey, he's a truefolk singer and very creative, he worked in construction for yearsthen developed a career in music. Sings about working class, poverty,cause he has been there and done it. His songs have timelessyoungness about them. I can kind of relate or at least dream that Ican inspire somebody in the same way, I think that what makes youlike someone. If they write the song you feel you should've writtenor want to sing”.

Ifeel exactly that about Darren Hayes. He writes the songs I feel Ishould have written or want to sing. Especially this song. The Siren's Call. I recorded it in Sydney.

Who are you a fan of? And what joy does being a fan bring for you?

A funny (and special) story about the Kings of Leon Melbourne concert (and their crew)

2011-11-14T07:11:00.001+11:00

So I had another blog entry scheduled for this morning, but in my excitement, I need to tell you this story. It is A funny (and special) story about the Kings of Leon Melbourne concert (and their crew). It's not really a review. One will come.

I went to the Kings of Leon gig at Rod Laver Arena last night. I went on my own, so it simply wasn't safe enough to be in the middle of the mosh. But then, I want to be able to see the band on stage, and being five foot one, it's difficult standing any further than three rows back. So I positioned myself in a safe spot with good airflow on the left side of the stage, in the front row against the barrier. I was the last person in the front row.

Before the show, I figured out this side of the stage was near the backstage section. There were lots of security guards and official VIPs standing around and going through a door. At one point, the door was open enough to see Jared Followill putting his jacket on, and Caleb Followill's red check shirt.

So I was dancing and singing my heart out to Closer, when a VIP with a lanyard walked out of the audience, and came back in to slip me a signed guitar pick! That was pretty cool. I had a look at his lanyard, and thanked him. Turns out, he is Doug Chabbott, Jared Followill's bestie, according to google.

Then, a burly yet friendly crew man with a headset tapped me on the arm after Fans and slipped me another guitar pick! This one is a bit worn, maybe just used.

I have a guitar, should I start playing it?

A bit later, the same crew member walked by and I smiled at me. He went up to the side part of the stage and came back down with a drum stick. He gave this to me too! All these instrument tools! He told me the drum stick was from Nathan Followill's stash on stage.

The show went on, I was really enjoying it! The band played well and there was a lot of energy in the audience. I was especially pleased for the amount of songs played from Because of the Times.

Another crew member gave two setlists and a guitar pick to a very excited girl on the balcony who was cheering the whole time. She was so overwhelmed and happy she cried!! It was a lovely gesture to see.

The show ended and I stood waiting to go out. Doug Chabbott smiled at me telling me I did pretty well during the night! Another crew man gave me another drum stick. So that's two drum sticks and two guitar picks.

And as I was getting ready to go out, a ruffled mohawk guy walked off stage, gave me a setlist, and said in his gorgeous American accent, "thanks for coming out tonight".

It was so lovely to be treated special by the crew. Really nice guys! And I couldn't figure out why I was getting such special treatment. I showed no boob, and was really just having a good time!

Now, if only I got a member of the band, I'll be set!!

Thanks Kings of Leon crew for making my night! This has certainly been a great fortnight of music!!

Sunday food

2011-11-13T16:44:00.001+11:00

Here's (most of) what I ate today. Its been a good food day!

This was a really good brunch - cold rice pudding with strawberry and mango, and toasted coconut from Three Bags Full in Abbotstford. Yes sir! YES SIR!

I also had this. Poached egg, salmon and goats cheese. Probably the healthiest brunch I've had out in in a while.

Kirsti from Melbourne on my mind was with me - we had a lovely catch up - finally! She had hotcakes with poached pears and berries. It was as hot pink as my jeans

Brunch was really good - very filling. Three Bags Full is definitely worth the trip across town and the queue. The bonus of queuing for 15 minutes or so is the fashion watching - everyone looks fabulous there!!

Three Bags Full on Urbanspoon

For my very early pre concert dinner I cooked seafood tacos - salmon, prawns and calamari, organic baby carrots, mushrooms, asparagus and spinach, seasoned with mayonnaise and jalapeño salsa :)

And I cooked this lasagna for week nights and work lunches. Leftover bolognaise (roast pumpkin, carrots, capsicum and broccoli, pork and beef mince, tinned tomatoes, Italian pasta sauce) and more roast vegies, layered - eggplant, spinach, tomatoes and mushrooms, with lasagna sheets and mozzarella cheese! I think it's quite healthy sans bechamel sauce and packed with vegies.

Sunday has been yumday!

Music I've been missing (and looking forward to) - Kings of Leon

2011-11-12T21:55:00.001+11:00

(source)

Tomorrow night I am going to see Kings of Leon. It seems ages ago since I bought the ticket, and they postponed, so my excitement has sort of waned. But this week I've been listening to their music on my iPod while doing admin stuff at work. I love Caleb's gravelly voice. And even though I love their old stuff better than their new stuff (especially Because of the Times), I love the sexiness of this song.

Manhattan's the music I've been missing. I hope my time in Manhattan, New York is as hot as this song. Caleb Followill is hot damn sexy.

If I get close enough to the stage (I have a standing ticket, but am going alone so I don't feel safe enough to be in the mosh like last time) I will take some photos, and I'll try to do a review for the blog. :)

And I see even rock stars were affected by the QANTAS grounding.

Red. Weighing it all up

2011-11-10T18:23:00.002+11:00

On Tuesday, amongst a million other things, I had a good chat with one of my dermatologists. It was a bit of a debrief, I guess. We didn't talk much about my skin, other than the emotional and social impacts of it. Since hospital, and hospital again, my skin's felt ok. It's the heart and mind stuff that's troubled me. How to cope with stuff and when to take a step back. How to manage expectations of blog readers and people who seek advice from me. And whether the social challenges of ichthyosis should be healed above the medical challenges. We returned to what I wrote about in March - quality of life. So much food for thought.

One of the major things we spoke about was a breakthrough in medication. There's a new drug that has the potential to dramatically reduce the inflammation of my skin. Great! Not as many people staring at me. I can walk down the street in peace.

But. And there's always a but. Administering the medication is quite complex. And the other big side effects are that it would not reduce the dryness and scale, and also make me more susceptible to infections.

So we talked about how I can deal with the redness and the social challenges that come with that. But I can't deal with the pain of infections. It's. Just. Too. Sore.

And I mentioned something I hadn't thought about until recently. For most of my life, I didn't want to be red. Black or white or a skin colour that society is used to. Anything but a skin colour that makes people stare.

But it's now come to this. My redness is my profile. I tell stories, and have the face to go with the stories. People often want to get to know me because of how I look (rather than how it was - people not wanting to get to know me). I am remembered by those that matter. I now have to use my looks to make a positive impact. A bit like the way bikini models use their bodies. And maybe, for maximum impact, I could strip down to my bikini too.

So if I wasn't as red, how would I get messages across? How would I show someone what it's like to look so visibly different? And as a friend said to me, people may get the impression that I've "had so much work done since I've been on TV". Hah!

Have you ever been given the opportunity to use a medication with such big opportunity costs? And have you eve been thankful for your illness or disability because it gives you a great life?

The Hoopla

2011-11-08T20:14:00.002+11:00

Today I was published on Wendy Harmer's website, The Hoopla! The Hoopla is a great mix of social commentary, news items and personal stories.

Wendy tweeted me this morning, which was a nice surprise while waiting at the hospital clinic.

I love Wendy Harmer. Ever since I saw her featured on Australian Story, I have found her inspirational, clever and so very funny. I have downloaded her podcasts with Angela Catterns and chuckled as I've drifted off to sleep. And so it is a real honour to have been published on her site.

You can read my whole article on The Hoopla here. Thanks for having me Wendy and Team Hoopla! Much appreciated. ♥

A Sydney adventure - guest post by Sydney Shop Girl

2011-11-07T20:32:00.001+11:00

My regular readers will breathe a sigh of relief to know that this is the first post in November that does not feature Darren Hayes. And my concerned commenter can rest assure that I haven't drowned in my obsession (I will address that perception when I'm not so busy living a Hayesless life this week). This is a story of the other things I did in Sydney. Mostly eating and drinking. Fact.

Tonight's post is a guest post by the equally lovely and beautiful Sydney Shop Girl. When In Sydney I was privileged to spend an evening with her and Sandradee from St Frock. It was a gorgeous night harbour-side, and as I sat eating and drinking extravagantly, I realised I was in the company of two smart, funny and strong women, who have overcome such adversities. I admire them a lot, and I am so glad that we are friends.

Sydney Shop Girl wrote this post on her blog so brilliantly I wanted to reproduce it on my blog. (It's actually lazy blogging - I am still in a food coma from my Sydney eating, and asleep on my feet from my Darren Hayes OBSESSION. Actually I am about to prepare for a pretty big week ahead. Got stuff to do). Take it away, SSG!

I'm a bit of a nanna when it comes to going out on a Friday night after work.

I like catching an early evening bus because they're usually pretty empty city bound and I get a seat and some piece and quiet whilst I listen to my BBC podcasts and try not to smudge my dramatic evening makeup.

This usually means I get to my destination early enough to have a soothing cup of tea before pre dinner drinks.

Soaking up the atmosphere outside Jamie's Italian on Friday night. As you do.

And I also have an older persons dislike of queuing for dinner. Or in the case of Jamie's Italian on Pitt Street (really hard to find actually), lining up in the the line to wait for the chance to have dinner. Apparently, if you get to the start of the queue I was in, you get to wait 2 more hours for dinner. 7.30pm on a Friday? I think not.

Luckily, Carly and S, who I was meeting for dinner felt the same about all the waiting. We met, turned on our heels and walked to the Opera Kitchen, which is a relatively new development in the concourse area of the Opera House.

Where good food, seats and a bit of quiet came our way pretty quick smart. We were blessed with perfect weather and clear skies. The Sydney sky line at night always takes my breath away.

We decided to sample dishes from a few outlets at the kitchen, starting first with Kenji. Kenji Nishinikagawa was originally the sushi chef at Koi in Woolwich (one of my favourite local haunts and I'm so sad it's now closed) and this sushi kitchen at the Opera Kitchen is his latest venture.

I'm cursing the decision to try and take photos in total darkness but I had no other choice. The photo above was meant to be of our bento tower which was served high tea style. We also each had a bowl of miso. This wasn't overly salty but lacked a strength of character.

The top layer was an assortment of vegetable, prawn and calamari tempura. The batter was crisp and the vegetables had bite to them.

Underneath was a platter of mixed sushi and sashimi. I was pretty impressed with the freshness in a 'food court' setting though the flavours were not as delicate and refined as at Koi.

The final layer was sashimi.

It wouldn't be a Friday night amongst friends without bubbles. For me it was also a celebration of surviving a rather long and draining week.

I think Miss Chu will forever remind me of Carly, S and K (who was unable to join us on Friday). We met earlier in the year at the original Miss Chu in Darlinghurst and now here we are at the Opera Kitchen ordering a few of our old favourites. Unfortunately, they were all out of rice paper rolls. I can safely say that this outpost of Miss Chu's is every bit as delicious as the mother ship.

The pork dumplings were juicy and well seasoned.

The 3 of us all eyed the final duck pancake. But alas, there could only be one winner of a second serve.

There's always room for a bit of the 80s on a Friday night and we had our flash back with a prawn cocktail from the Cloudy Bay Fish Co. It was deluxe. The dressing wasn't fluorescent pink or too thick and there were plentiful prawns and a crisp vibrant bed of greens and red onion to boot.

We still had so much to talk about after all that food that ending the night with a dessert stop was the logical next step. S and I managed to sweet talk (love the unintentional pun) Carly into going to Guylian for dessert. Carly isn't the biggest chocolate fan but we convinced her that there would be non chocolate items on the menu - macarons, danishes and the like (or at least we thought we'd seen these foods at Guylian the last time we checked).

We needn't have worried. Once we entered the chocolate coated world of the Guylian Cafe (link to menu) at Circular Quay, Carly decided that she'd bat for our team just this once. We ordered a tasting plate which included a hot chocolate that our waitress kindly offered to divide into 3. In hindsight I wondered how 1 person alone could finish a hot chocolate as well as the array of desserts that accompanied it.

The hot chocolate is served with a Guylian chocolate seahorse at the base of the cup.

Then someone with a steady hand like S pours hot chocolate over the seahorse and you stir the 2 together.

It was heaven and a little goes a long way. Carly was impressed. Here she is modelling the Diva replica of the Duchess of Cambridge's sapphire engagement ring. We were both lucky to get ours as they sold out at full price at practically every Diva store in Australia. Apparently Kim K's version is now going for half price. I might investigate this during the week. Carly, if you want me to pick you up one, please let me know ASAP.

Yes, that's the tasting plate. The scoop of vanilla and berry ice cream was delicious actually.

A cup of chocolate dipping sauce with strawberries and a selection of beautifully decorated cakes.

I am pretty sure at least one of them was a chocolate sesame cake, another a chocolate mousse cake and the pure pleasure cake with almond in it. There were also chocolates. There was too much choice. The orange gold flakes scattered on the plate looked gorgeous. If I wasn't so full I would have tried them too.

What more can I say? Here's to friends, food and Friday nights!

Sunday Sessions - Darren Hayes, I don't know you anymore, live from Sydney

2011-11-06T09:33:00.002+11:00

I am still on a high from the incredible Darren Hayes concerts this week! It's my last day of holidays today, and I have a little bit of stuff to do. I predict this coming week will be hard to get through without a Darren concert. (There will be a Kings of Leon concert next Sunday though!)

This is one of my highlights from The Secret Tour - the classic I don't know you anymore, from Savage Garden's Affirmation album. Hauntingly beautiful. I recorded this in Sydney.

You can also take part in the Sunday Sessions link up.Head over to Do I really wanna blog? to enter :)

Darren Hayes in Sydney - the full concert and meeting experience

2011-11-04T17:53:00.002+11:00

Seeing Darren Hayes live at the Enmore Theatre in Sydney was amazing!

Musically and performance-wise, I thinkhe was more energetic than Melbourne. He jumped around the stage with boyishabandon - punching the air, dancing and running about. His voice was sopowerful. The way he danced to the beats of Billie Jean felt so relaxed. “Ofcourse I can dance, I’m gay”, he said, to which the audience erupted intocheers and applause. He was so passionate. I loved it!

I think I took the time to appreciate themusic in Sydney, whereas in Melbourne I was overwhelmed by the whole experience- taking everything in. I sang along last night, not too worried about capturing everymoment on camera.

My friends and I were in the front row -it was so good to be able to lean on the railing. My legs are like jelly andfeet like rocks. I feel asleep on my feet. So very tired.

I adored I don’t know you anymore evenmore than Wednesday night - I think it’s the vulnerability he showed in it.Such a powerful song.

The absolute highlight of my night waswaiting for him outside the venue after the show. We waited for about an hourwith around 30 other fans. And the tension built as we waited for Darren,scoping the best vantage point around the van. Security was beefed up. And thenhis manager arrived, telling us Darren would be out but he lost his voice so hewouldn’t be talking to us but would sign merchandise. And the crowd was warnedagainst screaming, as we were in residential street. And I took note (be veryproud).

So Darren came out. And when he reachedme, I whispered ‘I love you Darren’, my hand outstretched. He whispered inreturn ‘I love you too, Carly’, and touched my hand. ♥

Such a precious moment. Amazing. Hesigned the venue running sheet I got too. And signed my friend’s setlist. He is very giving and lovely.

I am so incredibly happy. My life iscomplete. I shed a few tears at his concert, during the Siren's Call and when I met him. Unbelievable.

I can’t explain the feeling I get fromloving Darren. Only other fans understand. The energy that surges through mewhen I experience his music - live or recorded, and the excitement I get fromlistening to him speak in interviews is so powerful. Today I’ve had a smile inmy face as I walked the streets of Sydney, just knowing the night I’ve had.

I wrote him a note on his Facebook walltoday:

Thank you Darren for an amazing two showsin Australia. I’m not going to Brisbane but I’m so glad I had the privilege ofseeing you twice this tour. You sing amazingly and I love the passion andenergy you have on stage.

This album means so much to me - I feelmost of the songs were written about some of the things I have experienced.Your lyrics are universal. Seeing you sing it live brought me to tears, at bothshows.

Keep making this beautiful music. You andthe talent you possess means the world to me and so many others.

And thank you for meeting fans last night.You made my year after I said I love you and you whispered back ‘I love you too’.

Thank you. I love you :) ♥

Darren Hayes - The Secret Tour - Melbourne 2 November 2011

2011-11-03T12:05:00.001+11:00

Darren Hayes made an impressive return tothe Australian stage last night on Melbourne. On the back of his newly releasedSecret Codes and Battleships LP, he made the new songs instant singalongclassics. The set was stunning - featuring pictures from his album artwork - balloons, birds, hearts and geometric shapes.

He entered the stage to dramatic opener,Taken By the Sea caring an umbrella, lit up with deep purple. Like a pop starMary Poppins, complete with Tai Chi moves to the music. Mesmorising.

Current single Bloodstained Heart saw him sing powerfully, reaching high notes. Atone point he handed the microphone over to the audience, to sing along to thewoahs.

And he shed a tear, thanking the audience for sticking by him, humbledby the loyalty and sellout show.

Darren Hayes fans are very loyal, proving thisby a queue snaking around the Forum most of the way up Hosier Lane. The crowdwas a mixed bunch - screaming women - young and old, husbands, the gaycommunity, and in front of me, a six year old girl whose week couldn’t get anybetter after seeing Darren and Janet Jackson - twice!

Old favorites, some not heard in years -live or on the radio - were played. To the moon and back had the familiar radiointro, Break Me Shake Me was mashedup with Billie Jean, and Darren sang The Animal Song, citing the lyrics assilly but fun. The classic Savage Garden songs energized the crowd, it was likeold times.

His new stuff was just as powerful. Talk Talk Talk provided danceability, Don’t Give Up, Black Out the Sun and StupidMistake were wonderful.

Darren also juxtaposed the theatricalwith the natural - changing jackets and applying makeup behind a dressingscreen, coming out with blue flashing glasses to Pop!ular mixed with Bros’ Whenwill I be Famous?. And then he performed a rare We Are Smug (side projectfrom 2009) song Hot Tub Blues,languishing drunkly over a chair, cheekbones accentuated with makeup and lipslike The Joker.

After this alter ego fueled performance, he was at his most natural, most vulnerable, removing his makeup in front of a light frame, singing an almost a-capella I Don’t Know You Anymore. Hauntingly beautiful.

But it was the finale, The Siren’s Call, right after Truly Madly Deeply, that moved me the most. It is one of the most beautiful songs he has written.

Being at the Darren Hayes concertreminded me of the times I’d seen Savage Garden as a teenager. No worries, nocares. Darren was the only thing that mattered to me in the world. His lyricsare so relateable. I too cried a little, so moved by merely being at theconcert, and thinking about how most songs on Secret Codes and Battleships couldhave been written about my life these past five months. I cried during Talk Talk Talk and also in To the Moonand Back, when he looked my way and smiled that beautiful smile.

The show was supported by indie act andtwitter darling, Brendan Maclean - a camp, costumed singer, performingoriginals and jazz versions Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. After the show I metBrendan and he recognized me from Twitter and Mama Mia. We had a photo, me inhis sparkle jacket.

Darren Hayes setlist

Taken By the Sea

Talk Talk Talk

To the Moon and Back

Don’t Give Up

Insatiable

Bloodstained Heart

The Animal Song

Black Out the Sun

Break Me Shake Me/Bille Jean mashup

Stupid Mistake

Popular/When Will I be Famous

Hot Tub Blues – We are Smug

I don’t know you anymore

Affirmation

Crush/Spin/A DJ Saved My Life/Music

Truly Madly Deeply

The Siren’s Call

Oldschool Darren Hayes review - Manchester Lane 2007

2011-11-02T09:33:00.001+11:00

So it's Darren Hayes concert day today!And tomorrow! So excited!

Here's a review of a concert I saw in2007. March 23 to be exact. His album preview. Enjoy!!

Part 1

Too tired to blog. Feel so hungover though I didn't drink.
Am still collecting my thoughts about Darren. I've got abook I have been jotting thoughts down in, and also took notes in theshow
As a special treat, here is the set list, that Darren said I couldhave, but I had to argue for with the waiter-wannabe-bouncer. It's the official set list, that didn't really exist. Tee hee.
1) Fear
2) Who would have thought
3) Carry on Amadeus (carry on dancing)
4) Unlovable/footsteps on the dancefloor
5) Step into the light
6) Time Machine
7) I like the way
8) Words
9) I want you
10) On the verge
11) Me Myself and I
12) Baby I am popular
encore
13) Void
Oh, he didn't full on pash me by the way. It was a reachdown from the stage and hug and kiss me on the face. I feelvery special. Tickets put aside by Darren. A great viewfrom the table and then from the dance floor. A 'my pleasure'from him on the way in. And then the hug and kiss.
His new material is really good, lyrically and musically. His older songs were reworked. Darren had a lot of energy onstage. It was amazing. I can't think of a word yet to describeit. Amazing will have to do for now.
More tomorrow.

Part 2

I'm going to post a blog about my Darren Hayes at Manchester Laneexpereince. An account of my experience rather than a reviewbecause to be honest, I can't recall everything about the music dueto my overwhelming excitement.

Manchester Lane was to showcase some songs from Darren's upcomingalbum 'This Delicate Thing We've Made'. The doorgirl said therewere about 150 people who managed to get in.

My friends and I got dressed up and waited outside the venue fromaround 4:30 pm, hoping to see Darren before he went in for thesoundcheck. There were four girls and a bemused husband in ourgroup. L, J, T and her husband B. We alllooked stunning in our dresses (Brett didn't wear a dress though).

I've never seen Darren with full on fans before. We were allexcited, but I think I was physically by far the most enthusiastic. We stood outside the door behind the barrier, and everytime a carcame in the alleyway, I'd run and peer through its window in caseDarren was in it. I think at one stage, a driver waved me offbecause I was obstructing traffic.

We made friends with the security guard, Steve. I asked hima million questions, and he took a photo of the group of us outsidethe venue. I ended up making a documentary on my camera withSteve, interviewing him about how he felt about Darren and the worldin general.

I also spoke to Troy, Darren's hairdresser, and commented on histrousers. I called them a 'manafore' - meaning male pinafore. (J deemed them a 'pantafore', which I think is a pretty coolword). We conceded it's better than a mankini later at the bar.

We managed to see Darren very briefly as his car was upagainst the door and the crowd of screaming girls (yes, including me)was big. I did tell my friends that when it comes to Darren,I am all for myself, and true to my word, I ran on my own to see him,not looking if my friends were behind me. J and Tmanaged to come, but poor L missed out. Darren makes meturn into a shrieking monster I think, because when he got out of thecar, I was shrieking and jumping up and down (the security guard toldme they need a screamer there!). I thanked him for the ticketsand he saw me, he said 'my pleasure' and then went into the soundcheck. I got one picture, well, he's about 1/8th of the pictureand the stripey shirted security guard made up the rest of thepicture! Darren and co went inside for the soundcheck.

J saw Darren standing near the bar in the middle of theirsoundcheck. I missed him, but spent a great deal of time withT peering into the window and trying to hear if he was singing.

We were finally let in after 6 pm. Our table was nearthe front, though there was about three people in front of us oneither side of the table. There were three tables long ways infront of the stage. The meal was really good, especially thedessert.

In the pre-show music, Angus and Julia Stone's Paper Aeroplanesong was featured, so i was very happy about that.

A caberet style singer called Antigone performed about three songsbefore Darren came on. She wasn't my cup of tea, but she was apowerful singer.

A short break before Darren came on and everyone was gettingexcited. As there were no cameras or recordings allowed, I didthe nerdy journalist thing and got some paper out to take noteswith. I ended up jotting down some lyrics and things he said,as well as part of the set list. I hope that doesn't contraveneDarren's recording and posting online requests.

J had warned me that his music was a bit techno, or at least,a bit different to what I may be used to - she had been to theSydney show. I was expecting some Chemical Brothers type stuff,but I was pleasantly surprised.

Darren wore a black suit with black sneakers. The jacket hada strip of contrast trim down the front.

The music was very blippy electronic beat-oriented, despite theuse of guitars and drums.
His first song was 'Fear'. I can't recall too much of it, Ido apologise, because I think i was just overwhelmed with him comingon stage. There was quite a fast paced lead up, and some fastsinging. Not 'I want you' fast,but fast enough to keep up withthe beats.

His second song, Who Would Have Thought has been stuck in myhead. One of the lyrics was 'who would have thought it could bethis amazing... I had to find you, I had to let you know...and bringme back to you'... There are long verses and a lot of guitar.Itsounds like a radio hit, if he actually releases songs from thisalbum onto radio.

The next song, Carry On Dancing was impressive. I do likethe theatrics of this song, in its originality, and to hear itlive is always good. This version was quite rocky. Thesetlist says 'Carry On Amadeus'. Excuse my ignorance, but Idon't know what Amadeus is. In this song I recall Darrendancing around the stage and being very animated with his hands. He introduced it saying 'this was my favourite song, when I was inThat Band'.

'Unlovable' was the next song, kind of acoustic but fast paced atthe same time. Unlovable has always hit me hard, especiallyseeing the back graphics at his Big Night In show in Sydney lastyear. This really made me stop and think. I know thissong is big for Tanya too, and she was listening with great intent. He also mashed up 'Footsteps on the dancefloor' in the middle ofUnlovable.

Darren comented that the front crowd were quite chilled andthe back crowd was partying. he said 'it would be really coolif we could get party and chilled to have sex' and then saidsomething about maybe causing a riot.

'Step into the light' was his next song. I can only recallone lyric, 'I've never been so in love before'.

Darren also included some anecdotes in the show, they wereconversational and very funny. Not funny because he is darrenhayes and he should be laughed at during every funny thing he says. But genuinely funny. He told a story of how he was in a vafewith bad service and the waiter apologised saying that Kylie Minoguewas in before. darren said he's obviously not photographedenough.

He asked people to put their hand up if they didn't know he wasgay, and he counted two people. He then said his mum did notknow, and the crowd let out a sympathetic 'awww', to which Darrenmocked us. "aww, poor thing, his mum didn't know he was gay'. he said his clothes in the 1990s should have been a dead giveawayabout his sexuality.

He playfully commanded a setlist, which was already in front ofhim, and did a funny charades type thing with Shave on keys aboutwhat the next song could be.

The next song was How to Build a Time Machine, which was myfavourite lyrically. Darren introduced it as one of hisfavourites, a song to 'try to drag some joy forward in someway'. He mentioned his marriage and falling in love and thecrowd was extremely receptive for this, letting out a cheer. Idid write a lyric down which I thought was breathtaking, and remindedme of Darren's incredible writing ability. 'I'll tell myreflection it's not your fault'. Wow. There was lots ofguitar in this song. And two paces of music. Lyricallythe song was about recalling events in his past and bringingsomething good from them.

He then sang 'I don't think you're ready for this jelly' before hedid a gorgeous acoustic of 'I Like the Way'. I'm not keen onthis on the album, but it was acoustic and the words were somehowmore powerful. There was guitar in this one too.

'Words was his next song - introduced as 'a song about when I'vespent all my anger and know I've done the wrong thing'.

I am thinking, as I type this, my notes paid off! It's goodand useful to be a nerd.

He told the audience of how he was thrown out of a Whitney Houstonconcert because he was disruptive, on his seat, answering Whitney'slarge calls for dancing to the crowd. He said the bouncer hadhim a headlock and also felt up his sister's boobs.

The next song was 'I want you'. And he asked the crowd to stand upand dance. I stopped taking notes here, and everything went toa mushy state of euphoria because I ran up the front. I gotquite close to the stage, very close in fact. No one in front.

I want you was fairly traditional. I loved it.

A girl had a teddy bear and she showed Darren, he grabbed it andtried to destroy it – jumping on it, pulling it, biting it. He said he 'did everything but have sex with it, it'sindestructible'. In trying to destroy it, he let me tug on theother half of the bear, he pulled so hard I fell onto the stage! Later he apologised, saying 'sorry about before', I said no problemand I pointed to the newfound set list, asking if I could have it, hesaid 'of course you can'. Later I had to argue with the waiterfor the set list.

T and L ran up to the front during 'On the Verge'. J couldn't make it through the chairs in front. B wasminding the bags at the table.

T was so excited. More excited than me at one stage. She held my hand during the entire song On the Verge and we spent thesong jumping up and down and looking at eachother and Darren inamazement. L was having a great time dancing too.

He then played 'Me Myself and I' and 'Baby I am Popular' (a mashupof Prince's 'Baby I'm a Star' and 'Popular', but these are a bit of ablur to me. He did wink at Tanya in Popular and she wasthrilled.

There was a short break and he came back to do Void. Ireally like this song, and again it was powerful live. At thispoint I was so happy with seeing him live I had tears in my eyes, andmy arms were folded and I was contentedly singing along. Helooked down at me which was amazing.

When he said his goodbyes, he leant down and gave me a hug then akiss. The hug was genuine and lasted a good ten seconds. I can't recall much of it except the feel of his bristles on mynose. I keep asking my friends who were with me whether it wasreal. It was apparently. I was beside myself. Soexcited. That meant the world to me.

And that was it. Goodbye Melbourne. Can't wait til thealbum comes out in August.

After arguing with the waiter-cum-bouncer, I got the set list. It has their hotel details on the back.

We ran outside to the car waiting to take the crew away. Waited and waited. I kept on exclaiming how Darren is the 14^thboy to kiss me.

Got no photos. Darren came out after Troy, he was bundled ina scarf and jacket in 35 degree heat. He pressed his face upagainst the window. Then the car drove off.
Oh what an excellent night.

I feel so honoured to have heard the music before the albumrelease, and also for Darren's affection. My friends were trulyappreciative too. We got an awesome table, thanks to ManchesterLane, and also the generosity of Darren for putting tickets aside forme when I was sick in hospital. So cool.

I need some New York know-how!

2011-10-31T22:00:00.000+11:00

So tonight I started my research and planning for my New York trip! The internet is such a big place, and so is New York, and my attention span is very short. So I am not sure where to start.

So I am asking you, my lovely readers, to give me some tips. Where to stay, what to do, where to eat, where to shop? Is there a great place to see bands? What tours should I take?

I'm going in July/August 2012.

Ultimately I wish I could live like Felicity and make out with Ben Covington.

I imagine I will arrive in New York, all wide-eyed and frizzy haired, in awe of the possibilities. Is there a Felicity Tour?

Please help! All suggestions welcome.

Triple J - It gets better

2011-10-29T08:33:00.001+11:00

This is a powerful video about being different, being accepted and hope for the future. While aimed at young gay people, it is relevant to anyone who has felt marginalised. I wish I had this reassurance that it'd get better for me after I'd finished school. Thanks Triple J!